kzpea Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 I have been with nate since i was 16 and i am now 20. We have been through alot together. He has alot of family issues so has lived with my family since i was 17. We were always that couple who were together all the time and had the same friends. He was my first love..my first everything.. and our relationship was so amazing. Everyone expected us to get married and 7 months ago we got engaged. Than everything fell apart.. He turned 21 and started spending alot of time at the bars drinking with people i didnt know and he had this whole other life. We hung out less and less. I dont know he just always chose going out over being at home with me. I got fed up and broke up with him thinking it would scare him and he would cry and beg me not to do it and we would be like we were. But he didnt. He never fought for us and i hate him for that! He just let it all go. At first i was okay. We still talked and hung out and it didnt feel real. It felt okay that we didnt see each other all the time becouse we werent together anymore. I thought that we would be different and we could still be friends. Then i realized none of my friends wanted to hang out becouse it was awkward and all of their boyfriends were his buddies. one of my "friends" told me that he has been getting wasted and taking girls back to our apartment to our bed. When i heard this i literally fell on the floor crying. I was so angry and upset. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. ive never felt pain like this before. I go to school and work and home constantly fighting back the tears. I cant eat or sleep. I dont want to talk to anyone or do anything or speak or think. i am filled with so much anger and i hate that i hate him becouse i know that i love him and thats why i cant get over him. nights are realy bad. thats when i want to call him just to hear him say that he misses me. and that he thinks about me and that he wants to hold me. Im just torturing myself becouse i know he's moving on. i just keep hanging on to the good times. The memories of me and him. Im so sick of crying. Please HELP!!!!!!!
kypepeo Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 That's the way things sometimes go with these sort of relationships where you have been together from when you were so young. The growing up process entails "getting out" and experiencing life and one of you may feel like because you have been with this same person ever since you knew what a relationship was, that it's time to get out and explore. That's probably what he's doing. It's not entirely a bad thing because if you two where to get married now, you may feel later on that you didn't have that dating experience and that may lead to problems later. It's difficult being where you are but you should go out and taste the dating scene. Meet new people and see what you like in men and what you don't. Don't get into anything heavy just yet. Enjoy yourself. You really need that experience so go out and get it!
justagurl Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 i am so sorry kzpea, i really dont know what to tell u to do, but i do know that i felt the exact same way just a couple months ago when my ex and i broke up, i didnt understand how he could supposedly love me one day then be going out with these other girls the next. i felt so empty and like you, just kept thinking about the good times that we had shared, it was really awful. but i guess one thing that helped me was that i started thinking about all those good times that we had had and realized that those things had actually ended a long time before we broke up. toward the end it was really bad and we needed to break up anyway, it just hurt so much because of the way that he seemed to be able to just forget all about me and go on with his life so easily. when all i could think of for weeks was him. and i still think about him alot and there are still things that i miss, but the hurt that i felt in the beginning did eventually subside. and yours will too. soon hopefully. also you're still young so go do new things, meet new people, later on u may meet someone so wonderful that you will be thankful that u guys broke up. good luck.
surfgurl Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 wow. let me say that assuredly he's just trying to do the whole 'growing up' thing. his friends' influence has dominated his actions lately, which would explain why he's out drinking so much and bringing the chicks home. seriously he's nothing more than a puppet of what's considered cool from a guy's perspective. i'm willing to bet the reason why he can drink so easily and do all these things is due to the fact that he's HURT and UNPREPARED to cope with this type of pain (hence his drinking binges and wild sex). wHAT THE heck is he supposed to do? pLease don't think he's not sad or he's moved on - - - surely he has NOT moved on. this behaviour is indicative of a guy who's UNABLE to move on and he's just pushing his problems to the side with alcohol. he can't confront the reality of the situation and you can't make him. after all, it was you who put him in this situation (albeit you had other intentions that he WAS NOT aware of!). i mean this with all love and respect, but how was he supposed to know that he was supposed to defend you to the death and argue with breaking up, etc? this poor guy is taking life as it comes and i can only hope for you and for him that his little escapades/sexfests don't result in a girl getting pregnant because then AGAIN he'll be faced with more harsh reality. food for thought: my mom did the same thing you did and she broke up with my dad (this was when she was 20 (!) and he was 24, and 8 MONTHS LATER, she couldn't stand the silence from him anymore. apparently, he DIDN'T try and contact her as she had hoped (and you did too) so she went over to his house to give him something back (but really she just did this to see him again) and the rest is history. they saw one another again and their kiss was significant in that it was a genuine promise to stay together. they've been married for 26 years!!!!
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 I don't know much about your relationship, but it seems like you are lacking closure, and are still very much in love with him. He is, on the other hand, taking what you told him about breaking up at face value, and doing what people sometimes do to cope with the pain of that (drinking, the rebound sex, etc. etc.). Perhaps you and your ex need to have a talk - this is option A. Don't call him at night, when he is most calculated to be doing the nasty with something he picked up in a bar, call him at a decent hour, not on a Saturday night, when he is likely available to seriously talk. Tell him why you broke up with him, that he didn't spend time with you anymore, and was always out doing his own thing and that it didn't even really feel like a relationship anymore. Ask him if he understands, tell him that you still love him, and that you wanted to have a talk with him before you do what you need to do to move on (without actually saying it, subtly implying that you are giving him first crack at getting back with you). How coy you want to be in this conversation is completely up to you, and you might even want to refer back to some times you know he enjoyed, and subtly suggest giving it another try, but whatever you do, don't grovel. If he says he thinks breaking up is the right thing for him, tell him that you understand (even though you don't), and that you will be moving on too, and that you wish him the best - and do not call him again for a while. Who knows, maybe the two of you will decide to give it another try. Then again, maybe he won't want to, and you need to be prepared to deal with that too. Option B is just do complete no contact without making that call first, and hope he calls. I don't like that approach, but it does work for some - and not others. The theory is that if he misses you enough, if it was as real for him as it was for you, he won't be able to live without you, and will call - at which point, you can get him back. Usually the dumpEE employs this strategy, and you are the dumper, but in a way, he did kind of dump your relationship by taking it for granted, and then you just kind of outsmarted yourself by making it official, so I guess there is a chance the strategy could still work, but I really don't know. Option C is to give him some space, don't really talk to him very much, and let a SIGNIFICANT amount of time go by (months) - then go for the sort of reunion surfgurl is talking about. Sometimes, it happens, and after people have had the chance to sample whatever else is out there, they realize just how special what they had was. This is a hard one to do, because every night you will think about what he is out there doing - but then, maybe he does need to do that to figure out who he is, and what he wants in a relationship. Only you know him, and I won't lie and say this option is easy. It also carries the risk that he will find someone else he likes well enough to marry, or get someone pregnant, or get into another VERY long-term relationship, that will remove any practical possibility of his being a part of your life in the forseeable future. Like I said, a difficult, risky choice, but sometimes, it works. If you really care about him, it is probably worth a phone call. Just don't be destroyed if nothing comes of it.
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