elseaacych Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Please be warned: this thread is merely blowing off steam. There is little I can actually do in this situation aside from take lessons for much later. I hope there is a lesson in this situation, maybe you all can help. Okay. So there is this guy that I go to school with. He is in the class above mine, and we have no mutual classes together, but all students at my school go to the same social events. A couple months ago, I thought he was flirting with me, so I took the initiative to ask him out. He said yes, and we went on a date. We had a good connection, lots of mutual interests, so on. We a had a good time. He called me after the date and told me so. We kind of chat back and forth over the next couple days, and I invite him on another date. (My reasons were kind of petty, none of my gal pals could go to this event, and I needed someone around in case I saw an ex-boyfriend skulking around.) He says yes. So we go on the date, but not before there are some communication lapses. (We're talking through text message.) Somehow he got invited somewhere else, took them up on the invitation, I found out about it and was like: "Uh, what. Do you want to go or not?" He still said yes. And so we went. Had a good time again. A couple allusions to spending more time together from both of our ends. At the end of the date, he said something to the effect of "I'd like to cook dinner for you sometime." I told him to tell me when, and I'd make time in my schedule for him. That was the last substantial communication, as I decided at that point that I had taken initiative, clearly communicated and demonstrated interest. Time to let the guy ask me out. (Thrill of the chase, don't ya know.) Anyway, I saw him here and there around, we were friendly, but no invitations. I did not press. Fast forward a month. He shows up at two parties with one of my classmates, who I like, and would like to be better friends with, (we're very similar personality wise), and they're hanging all over each other. I can't help but be a little angry (at him), and jealous (of her). Stupid emotions are getting the better of me, so I have to ask if objectively there are any lessons to be learned from all of this.
angel.eyes Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) Well his communication matched his actions...he was upfront about where you stood all along. If he were genuinely interested, he would have asked you out, not just seemed to flirt. The outcome was predictable. As painful as seeing him with someone else was, you got a crystal clear picture of what "interested" vs. "why not, I have nothing better to do right now" looks like. It's fine to convey your interest, but make sure it's reciprocated. If things won't progress unless you pursue, plan, and execute then stop...unless you don't mind being a placeholder. Sorry, things turned out this way. Edited November 2, 2014 by angel.eyes 2
Zapbasket Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 That sucks; I'm sorry. I think the thing to be taken from this is that someone expresses interest (or lack thereof) over a series of interactions, not just one. In this series, his interest proved lukewarm at best, and now you know. You did nothing wrong; it's just part of the risk involved in putting yourself out there and taking a chance on a new guy. Chin up and keep moving forward with open heart! 1
Els Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 I think he just wasn't interested and was lukewarm from the very beginning. That was the more pertinent issue than him being bad at communication per se, IMO. I know you have said that you are fine with asking men out even when they haven't expressed interest in you, and I respect your right to choose to do so. But do realize that you are opening yourself up to many, many more situations like this when you do so. Thing is, unless you live in an extremely egalitarian culture (very few countries come to mind here), the culture in most places is that men ask women out. Men know this and thus when they ARE interested enough, IME even the most shy of men will try to ask her out eventually. By doing the asking out yourself, you are bypassing this filter, and while it might not always be a bad thing as attraction can develop later, it does pose significant risk of this exact situation. 2
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