Calling Time On Relationship with Depressed Boyfriend

[Tom Crick]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if anyone could assist / advise with the situation I'm currently going through; if so, it would be much appreciated

 

This week, I called time on my relationship with my bloke. He's been depressed for the entirety of his adult life, or so he says, having first been medicated for mental health difficulties at the age of 11. I've tried to be very supportive and patient with him, despite him being very difficult, reluctant to engage intimately and very critical. We live apart but were making plans for me to move to his city, as part of the stress in the relationship seemed to be that it was an LDR and thus difficult to maintain the momentum. I wanted to move, both to be closer to him to see if we could make things better by being more consistently together, and also because his home city offers me more opportunities in terms of my own life. This week, however, he chose to showcase his self-employed life to me by working 15 hours day, bringing his laptop to bed with us and flicking through his email at 4am. I had to ask him if I could have a cuddle and after 3 days of this, I finally broke.

 

This year, we've had sex 5 times. He was prescribed anti-depressants which he then decided to stop taking all of a sudden. I suggested that wasn't the best thing he could do to which he said, 'don't even go there.' I have a history of depression in my family so I know what I'm talking about when it comes to structured, supportive withdrawal. But no, honey, talk to the hand.

 

His friends are always telling me that he's so much happier that I'm in his life, but when we're around them, he's a lot nicer and engaging with them than he is with me. Knowing that my late father had depression and often showed a mask to the outside world which he seemed wholly incapable to wear when around his family, I 'understood,' this too, though it did wear on my feelings of self-esteem.

 

When I broke this week and told him I couldn't carry on like this, he then broke and told me he'd been abused throughout his childhood. I did suspect something of that nature had gone on, having met his two other brothers, one of whom is married to a fag-hag who lives 4,000 miles away from him, the other is a physically abusive father of three and husband to a very beleaguered woman who would leave if it wasn't for the kids...

 

He showed me some documentation that he'd been given years ago; Emotional Abuse checklists, explanations, ways to recover. It's been shoved in a cupboard in his house for the past 30 years or so. He had some CBT earlier this year which didn't scratch the surface and a further referral to a psychotherapist has gone unopened in his flat. I threw that at him, suggesting that he needs to help himself.

 

He says that the closer someone gets to him, the more he retreats. He can't trust, he finds it difficult to love and has no sex drive whatsoever. It's easier, he said, for him to be nice to people who don't matter.

 

But, I know that whatever I say doesn't really matter. The next day, he said the most pathetic 5 words I've ever heard a man say - don't give up on me. It's not even my place to give up or not; the buck stops with him and if he's not willing to do anything about it, then I can't support him.

 

We've agreed to keep in touch via text / email, but no further date was planned to go back down there, as there is normally. I really don't know what to do - I feel in an horrendous state of limbo and suspect that even though he's largely emotionally dead, he may feel similarly.

 

I had to pull back to save myself, to protect myself. It's not about loving him, because I do, but the reward, recognition and connection in this relationship is down to its bare bones and I can't carry on, especially with regard to moving there, with things the way they are. I suspect that he can't change and am steeling myself for that conclusion.

 

So, thank you for reading this far and if anyone has any advice, it would be great to hear right now

 

Thank you

 

TC

[Diezel]

You need to move on from him. I've been going through something similar and it sometimes it just drives me insane. It seems like almost everything is a distraction or a deterrent from actually having 1 on 1 interaction.

 

You feel like you are there just because they need to feel comfortable being with someone.

 

The best thing you can do is to permanently end this relationship and move on from it.

 

It's never going to change... and I heard something similar to what you heard: "Be patient with me". It's pretty much the same and indicates the same: You have to wait until they decide to do something about it... which could be never. And if you confront them about it, they say, "I told you to be patient."

[Tom Crick]

Good advice, Diezel, and I did it. Lots of people have been urging me to do this, or at the very least, realise that

 

a / I wasn't happy

 

and

 

b / that I could be if I chose to be brave enough

 

I rang him last night and he was both very defensive and aggressive. He said he needed time to decide what he could do, citing that he didn't really have emotional space to deal with anything other than his self-imposed, self-sabotaging 70 hour weeks and the occasional day fishing. This, I took as my cue to set myself free.

 

He said he wanted to stay in touch. I said I don't do that, which I don't on the whole; of course, there are exceptions but it's too early to make one and I heal faster with a complete absence, as opposed to a 'hi, how are you?' every now and again to completely **** my progress up.

 

I hope that he goes for help and has those wonderful revelations but I also know that I needed to look after myself and even though that involves the loss of plans, people and places, I can't regain so easily the loss of self-respect, self-esteem and time that I was wasting being with him.

[MTmama]

I hear your pain. You make some really good points and you seem to know exactly what you are talking about. Does it seem that you both are at an impasse? He cannot get close to or be nice to people he care's about? And you can't help him move forward if he doesn't want to? Does he have any plans, goals, desires, besides "don't give up on me"? Would talking to a counselor yourself help you to sort out what you should do? I am truly sorry for this situation, it seems out of your control as to what he does.

[Tom Crick]

Hi MTmama,

 

Thank you for your lovely reply. I'm really upset today; have been crying all morning. Not a good day today.

 

I just felt that I couldn't move my life to merge with his the way things were. And there were issues about living together that neither of us had talked about. He said that he felt a bit daunted by it, 'cause he'd lived with someone else before in his flat and felt it was too small. Lots of nerves around co-habiting. Additionally, I'm unemployed and even though I have plenty of money to back me up, being between jobs means I don't have much of a structure and he felt that was a problem. There were legitimate concerns but his depression has been such a biggie for me that maybe I haven't addressed what I've brought to the table, too.

 

And as for his difficulties - I've been searching the internet for various depression related forums and those that I've found tend to back up what I had to sadly conclude, which is that you can't make them better, you can't make them want to get better; all of those impetuses have to originate from them, otherwise you are taking the horse to water which it won't drink.

 

His goals? No, none. He runs his own business and I offered to build a website for him as that's what I do, and he's been vacillating over that for months. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his work, then he does, then he doesn't. That's a typical depressive symptom. No specific goals, nothing he's planned for. When I've gone to visit him and have suggested doing stuff, it's been met with a blank, so his energy to push out into the world and enjoy it is very much dead. Somewhat perversely, however, he clings to his life saying that he loves his city and that it's better than anywhere else in the world. When I've gently pointed out that all he does is lie in the dark watching boxsets, he shuts down. But there were so many contradictions and blatant untruths in what he was saying, as though he had to defend himself even when it would've made much more 'sense' to just surrender to what he was feeling.

 

Yes, he can't get close to people, so the more intimate we were getting, the more he was pulling back and shutting down. He can't trust people, he lashes out at those closest to him 'cause I'm the one nearest this very raw centre that he can't come to terms with.

 

I'm seeing a bereavement counsellor at the moment as I lost my dad recently, and we've been talking about my relationship for a few sessions, so I'll definitely be updating her with what's gone on. Beyond that, I don't really know. I'm mourning a lot right now, and only wish that I could reach out and SHAKE him, you know? Make him see that if he got help, there'd be so much life for us together past that point. But I can't. I think it's the powerless that's so difficult - I want to make sure he's okay and managing, but I can't.

 

I cut off contact and now I fear for his own safety, I worry I've been too brutal. But he also said that I was pressurising him by saying things such as, 'this is really sad,' or 'I miss you,' so he's not in a place to process the implied needs of words like that.

 

Bad place, bad times. Thank you for reaching out

 

TC

[MTmama]

I am so sorry you are sad. It is not an easy decision you have made. If it is any consolation, it was the right thing. Keeping on in the same way, doesn't solve anything or relieve any stress. Do you think by forcing this kind of separation it might encourage him to get help? I am proud of you, can you take this opportunity to take a deep breath and just let the stress go. I am glad you are seeing a grief counselor, that is really helpful. Hugs friend.

[broken2828]

I just can't for the life of me understand people who claim to love someone, and then abandon them when they're going through hard times.