crackerjax9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I plan on moving into his place within the next 6 months. Everything is perfect except for two things that have been bothering me. 1) he bought a house with his brother a few years ago. My bf has top floor his brother has bottom-- there is no separate entry way. I made it clear to him several times that I do not want to live in this town when we decide to get married and have kids. I was bullied terribly in this small town and refuse the same for my kids. He also lives across the street from a train station. I'm a light sleeper and that thing wakes me up every 20 minutes. Not only that but his brother and sister in law have started to fight a lot in front of us and I don't want to be involved and visa versa. He told me a few times he thinks his brother will buy him out eventually but whenever the talk comes up with the four of us my bf acts like he'll be there another ten years. If I were to marry him I want us to be putting money into our own house not helping another couple with their mortgage 2) he brought up a pre nup. Neither of us are rich or have assets so that makes no sense to me. Makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. Why think so negatively when we get married it should be a happy time. I mean thinking about divorce sounds pretty morbid 3) I have school loans. Sometimes he holds that above my head. I had to pay for my college his parents paid for his. I feel ashamed and like a burden. When I tell him that he says well your loans are the same as my half of the mortgage so you can pay for your loans and I'll pay my part of the mortgage when we get married. Idk just venting bc we got into it last night. We're not engaged yet he said he'd have to live with me for a year before that happens but those three things are just stuck in my head. I feel like I have some thinking to do.
Author crackerjax9 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Sorry that was 3 things lol
Author crackerjax9 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Dying of anxiety over here..anyone have input?
newmoon Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I plan on moving into his place within the next 6 months. Everything is perfect except for two things that have been bothering me. 1) he bought a house with his brother a few years ago. My bf has top floor his brother has bottom-- there is no separate entry way. I made it clear to him several times that I do not want to live in this town when we decide to get married and have kids. I was bullied terribly in this small town and refuse the same for my kids. He also lives across the street from a train station. I'm a light sleeper and that thing wakes me up every 20 minutes. Not only that but his brother and sister in law have started to fight a lot in front of us and I don't want to be involved and visa versa. He told me a few times he thinks his brother will buy him out eventually but whenever the talk comes up with the four of us my bf acts like he'll be there another ten years. If I were to marry him I want us to be putting money into our own house not helping another couple with their mortgage 2) he brought up a pre nup. Neither of us are rich or have assets so that makes no sense to me. Makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. Why think so negatively when we get married it should be a happy time. I mean thinking about divorce sounds pretty morbid 3) I have school loans. Sometimes he holds that above my head. I had to pay for my college his parents paid for his. I feel ashamed and like a burden. When I tell him that he says well your loans are the same as my half of the mortgage so you can pay for your loans and I'll pay my part of the mortgage when we get married. Idk just venting bc we got into it last night. We're not engaged yet he said he'd have to live with me for a year before that happens but those three things are just stuck in my head. I feel like I have some thinking to do. he probably brought up #2 because of your #3. he might not want to assume your debt or any debt you may incur. maybe he doesn't see you as able to handle money, and because he already owns a home he probably (but maybe not) already knows his financial situation and wants to protect that. a prenup can be about not getting into debt as much as anything else. "We're not engaged yet he said he'd have to live with me for a year before that happens" -- that is worrisome, because you might live with him and not end up engaged. you are giving him quite a benefit with nothing in return. why not get engaged before you move in together? if you are engaged first he might consider your wishes more in regards to the move because you mean more to him. moving in before an engagement allows him to test you out at your expense, and could result in nothing. what will change in a year that isn't there now? how are you benefiting here, especially if you don't like his housing situation much?
heartshaped Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 1. It seems more ideal for him to move in with you if that's the case. Does his brother have the funds to buy out his share of the home? 2. He probably brought up the prenup thing because he is purchasing a house albeit with his brother and has then some assets. I'm assuming your situation is not the same. He probably wants to protect his interests. 3. I wouldn't feel like a burden. Many people have student loans. I assume you're paying them just like you would any other debt you have accrued. I don't see that as a big issue and I assume upon marriage you would continue to pay your student loans out of your own funds. I would worry about the "we can't get engaged until we've lived together for a year" spiel. It seems like he's holding out a carrot to a horse in a way. I also find it sort of odd for him to say that when he knows his living situation is not ideal for you. That alone makes me feel suspicious of his intent to ever marry you.
IronZ Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 I've never understood why women get so sensitive about the prenup thing. I think it really shows someone's intentions when they're NOT willing to sign one. If you were in love with me and didn't care about my money, then what's the harm in signing it? It protects both parties, and the truth is you can't be so naive as to say nothing will ever go wrong.
Author crackerjax9 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 he probably brought up #2 because of your #3. he might not want to assume your debt or any debt you may incur. maybe he doesn't see you as able to handle money, and because he already owns a home he probably (but maybe not) already knows his financial situation and wants to protect that. a prenup can be about not getting into debt as much as anything else. "We're not engaged yet he said he'd have to live with me for a year before that happens" -- that is worrisome, because you might live with him and not end up engaged. you are giving him quite a benefit with nothing in return. why not get engaged before you move in together? if you are engaged first he might consider your wishes more in regards to the move because you mean more to him. moving in before an engagement allows him to test you out at your expense, and could result in nothing. what will change in a year that isn't there now? how are you benefiting here, especially if you don't like his housing situation much? Thanks for your input. I am paying off my loans. The house is actually in his brothers name but they have a verbal agreement that it's 50/50. I guess the engagement thing is in his hands, he's the one that will do the proposing after all. Definitely have me thinking now that moving in with him is not in my best interest anymore.
Author crackerjax9 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 1. It seems more ideal for him to move in with you if that's the case. Does his brother have the funds to buy out his share of the home? I'm not sure. I don't think he would have all the money now but idk how much money he and his wife have. 2. He probably brought up the prenup thing because he is purchasing a house albeit with his brother and has then some assets. I'm assuming your situation is not the same. He probably wants to protect his interests. Yes, but if he were to marry me he should have a house with me, not his brother and wife, so he wouldn't have that as an asset anymore. 3. I wouldn't feel like a burden. Many people have student loans. I assume you're paying them just like you would any other debt you have accrued. I don't see that as a big issue and I assume upon marriage you would continue to pay your student loans out of your own funds. Thank you I would worry about the "we can't get engaged until we've lived together for a year" spiel. It seems like he's holding out a carrot to a horse in a way. I also find it sort of odd for him to say that when he knows his living situation is not ideal for you. That alone makes me feel suspicious of his intent to ever marry you. Definitely seems that way now Thank you for your input
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 The pre nup is because you have debt & he has a house that he bought before he met you. Going through all the disclosures that are required to put a pre-nup together I think strengthened out marriage because it forced us to talk about tough stuff like money. Go into with a positive attitude. Besides, I said I wanted to negotiate when we loved each other & wanted stuff to work out rather than later if we got a divorce & hated each other. Really it's not a bad thing & done right I think it could prevent problems. Don't get married until your housing issues are worked out. I would go in assuming he will have 1/2 of that house forever.
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