We're Not Compatible

[Diezel]

So, I was pretty sure that I had broken up with my girlfriend last night.

 

Long story short, we've had communication/sex issues over the past few months. She says I don't communicate well enough sometimes or I don't sympathize. I say we aren't as sexual as we used to be.

 

She says the sex is due to lack of communication. I say the communication is due to lack of physical/emotional intimacy.

 

We both had issues in the past and were working on it together. Back in the summer, we had stopped talking for a week and then decided to try to work it out with the addendum that this was our last time trying and if things couldn't progress, we'd no longer try anymore.

 

Things have been pretty okay for me in my side of life, not so much for her. Problem is, I can take constructive criticism when it comes to my life... her, not so much... if at all. We both have a medical issue that affects how we compete in physical activities. I've sort of put it off but am willing to see a physician (My ordeal is only two weeks old). Hers has been ongoing for months. When talking about this, it's easy to point at how I am dealing with it, but when I told her I was concerned about her, she shut down... said I was being insensitive and it wasn't that serious.

 

This is symptomatic of every part of our relationship. The finger can be pointed at me, but everytime there needs to be accountability on her behalf, it gets deflected back onto me somehow.

 

She just recently went through a bad personal experience and when I told her about her physical ailment, she deflected onto how I wasn't there for her when that happened. It came so out of left field, that I didn't even expect it. Specially since I WAS there for her and still am.

 

She ended up saying to me that if anything happened to me while we were competing that she wouldn't even look back and keep going. I took this to heart and even though I knew it was in the heat of the moment, I took 15 minutes to collect myself. After that she broke the silence asking if we were going to bed, I gave her the craziest look and said, "After what you just said?"

 

The argument began again and she said something she's repeated before, and that was the final trigger for me, "We're just not compatible."

 

So I collected my things from her place, left, and got into my car and drove off.

 

Today I get a phone call from her asking if I was going to reply to her text message about whether I had made it home or not okay... I had just woken up and hadn't even looked. I picked up the phone without looking thinking it could be my sister. I told her that I had made it just fine.

 

"Ok."

"Ok."

"Ok."

 

We kept going back and forth awkwardly. Until we just hung up. I was under the impression that we were done. I honestly don't want to talk to her again. I wouldn't know what to say and I don't want to fall back into the vicious cycle we have going for ourselves. I think she thinks that we are still together. I don't know how badly the alcohol influenced everything or whether she believes everything she said was heat of the moment and that we are fine.

 

At this point, I just want to move on. To add onto this, she is a GREAT person and I made personal strides in my life with her around, but whenever it comes to emotional issues, she absolutely shuts down and cannot handle it. I'm tired of it. As long as we have kept it fun and light, everything is amazing and she was a great support to me. She's got her fair share of issues, but so do I. I wish it could have worked out, and I was sure after last night, that there was some sort of mutual understanding that it was over... but after the phone call, I guess not.

 

I'm not texting her anything and I am sure she will. I was supposed to stay there tonight, but she knows how I deal with things sometimes... I just go radio silent and become a recluse. This time, it's just that I really have nothing more to say.

 

I know at some point there will be a text/phone call where we just state the same she already made obvious last night: We're not compatible.

[Diezel]

She apparently thought we were still together but had a "stupid fight". I'm not sure what to think. I see a real lack of accountability even though there are apologies.

 

Everything else is the reason as to why she went off last night and got defensive and then launch an offensive.

 

Even when she was "apologizing", it was a thinly veiled finger point... "You aren't nice sometimes either."

 

I just told her that I am beyond angry and not happy with how everything transpired and much less the outcome. Even now, I'm being told that I'm not patient enough and apparently I don't care because I am willing to throw everything out the window over this.

[xUnknown]

Really think about what you want.

 

 

Talk it out.

 

 

Or, Let it go and move on.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So let it go? It sounds like you're entertaining the idea of going along with her supposed misunderstanding and chalking this up to a "stupid fight" but I think that's a terrible idea. Actually, it sort of sounds like you've long since been building up a bit of resentment toward her.

 

Think about how you felt when you were under the impression you really were over. Did you feel any tremendous sense of loss or emptiness? It doesn't sound like it. In fact, it sounds like you were more than ready to be done with it. So leave it at that. There's only some many times you can 'try' in a relationship before it becomes an exercise in futility. You're right, you are not in any way compatible.

 

You breaking up with her isn't the result of you not caring or being patient enough - honestly, how much is enough unless your patience is supposed to be infinite? - it's the next natural step in a dying relationship.

[Diezel]

Thanks for the response... I have been thinking.

We've been down this path before. I just don't know if I want to repeat this cycle all over again. It'll be all puppy dogs and rainbows for 3 weeks and then something is going to happen.

 

Maybe this time I ought to break the cycle.

 

I am going to give it a long, hard thought though... we usually stop talking for a few days before she reaches out and tries again.

 

It's just that this time she really crossed the line with a few things she said and although they could have been way more hurtful, it was still hurtful enough.

[Diezel]

So let it go? It sounds like you're entertaining the idea of going along with her supposed misunderstanding and chalking this up to a "stupid fight" but I think that's a terrible idea. Actually, it sort of sounds like you've long since been building up a bit of resentment toward her.

 

Think about how you felt when you were under the impression you really were over. Did you feel any tremendous sense of loss or emptiness? It doesn't sound like it. In fact, it sounds like you were more than ready to be done with it. So leave it at that. There's only some many times you can 'try' in a relationship before it becomes an exercise in futility. You're right, you are not in any way compatible.

 

You breaking up with her isn't the result of you not caring or being patient enough - honestly, how much is enough unless your patience is supposed to be infinite? - it's the next natural step in a dying relationship.

 

I think it's a terrible idea too. It's a misguided sense of loyalty, more or less. I've grown more as a person within the last two years than I have in the previous five.

 

You are right about the resentment. It's been building up for a while, to the point where we had discussed this being our "last chance" (previous to this weekend).

 

When I woke up this morning, I sensed relief, until I picked up the phone and it was her. I just think it's also how she words her statements, she knows she's picking at scabs when she says things like, "I guess you weren't patient enough. I've been having a tough time with life lately. It was just a stupid fight, I don't even remember half of it because of the alcohol."

 

It's all excuses. I just don't think I can put myself through it again.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

 

When I woke up this morning, I sensed relief, until I picked up the phone and it was her. I just think it's also how she words her statements, she knows she's picking at scabs when she says things like, "I guess you weren't patient enough. I've been having a tough time with life lately. It was just a stupid fight, I don't even remember half of it because of the alcohol."

 

It's all excuses. I just don't think I can put myself through it again.

 

Eww.

 

She's a classic manipulator. I'm not going to sit here and badmouth this chick since I don't know her personally but I will say that women people who use that kind of language...they know exactly what they're doing and the effect it'll have on you. Next up will be "Sorry I wasn't good enough for you," followed by, "I guess you never really loved me," in short order.

 

Let this one go. Don't let yourself be guilted into a relationship you don't want to be in. If you get back with her it won't be out of some misplaced sense of loyalty, it'll be out of sheer lack of willpower. If you know, even now, exactly what the outcome will be should you go forward, why the hell would you go forward? That's like stepping into oncoming traffic when you already know you'll be hit by a car. Only a fool would take that leap.

[Diezel]

Yeah, that's why I stopped responding.

 

By now she knows exactly what to say to get me to respond, so I stop. I think about it, and let 5 minutes go. I am VERY impulsive without almost zero filter, and she knows that.

 

She actually is a great person at the core of it all, she is just not really good to be in a relationship with. I can't say I'm the easiest either. But two people like that together is a ticking time bomb.

 

She has already used the "Sorry I wasn't good enough for you" line once a few months ago.

 

I hear you about the willpower vs loyalty discussion. Trust me, loyalty got kicked in the balls when we had the fight. It's why I've posted here. I'm objective enough about it at this point, but pretty much am trying to keep myself accountable for this.

 

I'm sure the emotional manipulation will only be dialed up over the next few days.

[Diezel]

The last text yesterday was hers in the afternoon. I made it clear that I was very angry about the whole situation. She said she'd leave me alone. I know she's upset because we aren't doing this face to face, but I figured her last barrage of verbal arsenal was good enough for me.

 

Worst part is knowing that objectively... I KNOW she is going to want to have a face to face. I just don't know what more can be said.

 

I just think I am done altogether and I'm tired of the excuses and everything else being the cause for which her problems arise and there being 0 accountability.

 

I spoke to my best friend last night and he told me his ex-wife had similar patterns and that maybe it was best to just leave it alone, even to just not talk to each other for a few days.

 

I just don't know that I want to be back in this position with her in 3 weeks.

[Diezel]

It's odd, being the "dumper" so to speak and yet, I miss all of our little interactions. Yesterday she had sent me a message stating that she thought I would at least want to talk face to face and tell her.

 

I honestly don't know what truly transpired as far as how one action led to another.

 

She hit me with a triple whammy that night, of which the third was "We're not compatible." That was good enough for me. So I walked out and left. And didn't back at all.

 

Apparently she wants to have a conversation, I know she'll want a conversation, but I don't know if I am strong enough to have that conversation. Not yet. A part of me hates going "dark" and not talking to her because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end, but I have no clue what I could say to her right now.

 

"Hey, just wanted to let you know that I might be ready to talk at some point this week, just don't know when..."

 

That's even lamer.

 

I wanted to text her at certain points of the day, but I don't know whether it's habit or because I genuinely miss her or what. A huge part of me knows that if we get back together, the pattern will repeat itself. I just feel terrible for having done it this way. Pretty much called if off "via text" although I thought her statement and me walking out was the finality of it. I guess not.

 

I can honestly say that I am partially afraid of being alone. Aren't we all right after a relationship? It's unusual once you don't have those texts or random phone calls or surprise lunches. All of a sudden, your life completely changes and it's because you caused the change.

 

A part of me sees her for the good person she can be and even though I don't really believe in closure, I almost believe that I owe her her version of it. The other part is still furious and angry as to how I was treated and how it was just brushed off as a trivial matter in the beginning.

 

I don't know. I thought as the dumper, you could just brush it off and move on. Even though I stated it was over, it still feels like I am in limbo.

[Diezel]

Last night I spoke with a relative who knew about this relationship.

 

I described to this person the latest round of happenings with my "gf" and after listening to me and letting me finish, the person sighed and said, "Do you know what borderline personality disorder is?"

 

I knew exactly what it was, but I didn't know the exact behavior patterns of one.

 

Now, if this were anyone else, I would have brushed it off. I've seen so many stories on the internet. But this person has heard me talk about the ons and offs of the relationship and just so happens to be a psychiatrist who specializes in personality disorders and PTSD.

 

I've spent the last 16 hours either sleeping or reading about it and pretty much every check was checked except for maybe 1 thing or 2.

 

I'm beginning to see the relationship in a different light now and a LOT of the things that were said to me seem to make sense. I hate the designation of "BPD" towards someone because I know a lot of the internet rushes to this conclusion, but in this instance, it seems to fit to a tee. Specially after what Lernean Hydra said about the emotional manipulation and how I feel about not cutting contact off completely.

 

Yesterday was NC Day 1, but I know that by Day 5/6 (The weekend), she will attempt to reach out. The worst thing I could possibly do is reach back.

[PegNosePete]

Apparently she wants to have a conversation, I know she'll want a conversation, but I don't know if I am strong enough to have that conversation. Not yet. A part of me hates going "dark" and not talking to her because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end, but I have no clue what I could say to her right now.

It matters not if you're strong enough for a conversation, but whether a conversation is what you want. What would it achieve? Nothing, I think.

 

Agree it seems a bit weird to just go dark. How about telling her, "You said we're not compatible. I agree with you. So let's call it off. Good luck for the future". And then you can start NC.

 

I don't know. I thought as the dumper, you could just brush it off and move on. Even though I stated it was over, it still feels like I am in limbo.

Ah maybe because many threads on here, the dumper has moved on before they do the dumping.......

[NopeNah]

Just went through this last night.. On/off/on/off... She flips into a different person at the drop of the hat! You have to understand that she no longer respects you. I now know that of my ex. Once either person loses their respect for the other, it's done. Resentment building up on both sides. Every 'little drunken argument' grows in both volatility and frequencies. Once mutual respect is gone so is the relationship. Time to quietly step away.

[Diezel]

I really have nothing left to say. But given the pattern, it is highly likely that she will contact me within the next 7 days.

 

Praying, you are exactly right. Every fight has escalated and the separation time afterward has increased as well.

 

The "honeymoon" 2-3 weeks when we make up is amazing, but I already know what Week 4 brings.

 

It's the worst when I know that something happens to her and when she asks for an opinion, if I give how I really feel, it's the wrong answer... or if I tell her what she wants to hear, it's the wrong answer.

 

There's so much wrong about the relationship that I see is now wrong and I didn't necessarily enjoy. I'm trying my best to occupy my time and move on.

 

Completely blindsided by this one. No doubt she is already trying to find her next victim.

[Diezel]

So far, 3 days of NC. I don't plan to contact her at all, but it feels like I have this black cloud hovering over my head for when SHE will contact me.

 

I am almost sure it'll happen this weekend once she has more available time on her hands. I won't lie, I made a bunch of plans for this weekend for a myriad of places I know she would never hang out at.

 

Unfortunately, we both like all of the same places and went there consistently, so it almost seems inevitable that we might bump into each other at some point... but the further away that happens, the better.

 

I just have a feeling that come Saturday, she is going to try to reach out again and try to twist my emotions... she might apologize and yet blame me at the same time, she'll tug at past feelings and all the "good times" we had, but I'm going to try to stay strong.

 

My plan is to not be here at all either from Friday night til Sunday night, or at least the least amount of time possible. She knows where I live obviously. I hate to say it, but I'm actually hoping that by now, she has started texting other men or one of her "ex's" that I am sure she was texting on and off while we were together or some other guys that she might have held in orbit. I don't wish anyone the mess that my relationship was in sometimes, but I don't need the black cloud hovering over my head anymore.

[PegNosePete]

Two words "unread deleted"

[Diezel]

This is Day 7 of NC.

 

I spent all weekend doing other things and hanging out with co-workers and friends. It's weird. I thought by now she would have at least tried to send me a text message, but I can almost guarantee that she filled up all of her available time with friends and maybe even someone else.

 

What I hate is that I am even thinking about all of these things, when I know that I clearly shouldn't.

 

I don't know if my ego is bruised because she hasn't reached out yet, or if it's because she more than likely has already moved on to the next guy or just that I was so addicted to so many aspects of this relationship.

 

It's weird how the human psyche can work sometimes. I KNOW I don't want to get back with her, but part of me wants her to try... for no real reason. It was ultimately a very unhealthy relationship for me that I could no longer be a part of.

 

I KNOW this process is going to get easier over time, just wish it would speed up.

[Diezel]

Day 10 of NC has gone by.

 

Yesterday I was wondering why I am even keeping tabs of NC. I was the one who "ended" it essentially.

 

We've "broken" up a few times before, and she always came back around, but this time may be different. I hope so. 99% of me hopes that I never hear from her again. As lovely as she is a person if you are just a casual friend, being in a relationship with her was a trip on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

I was out on Saturday and her gym trainer was at the same place where I was at. He was there with a few of the gym people. I somewhat panicked, I figured she'd might be there.

 

But then I remembered back when her and I were just friends and she was going through a "breakup". She avoided her ex's entire town for a while. Hopefully, she can do that. Clearly, I'm not ready to see her casually and in passing again.

 

I've been deleting her pictures from my phone and slowly shifting my social life into friendships, work, and the gym.

 

If I hadn't stated that I was the dumper, this thread would read as if I were the dumpee. I'm sure by now, given her history, her past, and her mental state, she has moved on and onto someone new or someone from her past. I don't know why I miss her... honestly the last few months were chock full of bad memories vs good ones, but I do miss her at times.