dumpers VS dumpees

[i c e queen]

hi guys

 

LS has been a good support for me during my healing period and i thought i would love to contribute my insights to help with your healing process.

 

it has always been a concern for dumpees as to how the dumpers feel after the break up and here's my take (for long term meaningful r/s):

 

for a dumper to bring up a break up generally means the dumper is very unhappy and feels suffocated (dumpees dont feel that and so cannot relate, thus insisting on how good things were and how much they love the dumpers) therefore they want OUT. the more the dumpee moves forward to attempt to mend things, the more the dumper feels suffocated, because the last thing on the dumper's mind is to mend things - if they wanted to mend things, they wouldnt have suggested to break up.

 

good thing is, with time, the negativity fades away (how fast it takes varies).

 

so dont be in a hurry to contact the dumpers.

 

right after the break up the dumper feels relief, and the sense of relief fades away over time too, especially when the dumper feels lonely (although that doesnt mean they are game enough to chase after you again).

 

and after the relief is gone, what remains are the good memories

 

think of it this way:

first month after the BU = 100% relief

second month after the BU = 80% relief + 20% missing you

third month after the BU = 60% relief + 40% missing you

so on and so forth.

 

when you push for answers or to remain friends when they are still feeling a majority of relief, chances are, the dumpers still want you OUT. they dont miss you enough to want you back, so dont suffocate them, thereby reducing your chances of a reconciliation if you sincerely want one.

 

the next time you want to contact the dumper to profess your love, think of a close friend you fell out with and how much you do not wish to talk to that friend anymore, it can briefly remind you of how suffocation feels like, though it is really tough having to accept that the one who claimed to love you forever ends up wanting to be the furthest away from you.

 

lastly, do dumpers feel regret?

 

some immensely do, and so they take actions to correct it (do keep in mind that mending things is one thing, sustaining it is another)

 

some do but choose to stay away due to a low self-esteem or fear.

 

some dont....BUT! after the sense of relief fades away, they will always live with the question of "what if i had put in more for the relationship back then?"

 

you prolly hate time now because every second an intangible force is breaking your heart into pieces but hey, time is what is helping your dumper to put you in a better light, so give time some time :)

[Zard0z]

thanks for the perspective. Thats exacrly what happened at the end of my relationship. (i was the dumpee). Looking back, there were signs but I ignored them or thought they were something else, since we were still very intimate and relaxed with eachother.

 

I went a little overboard, with trying to remain friends. We even had a post break-up date. But when she told me about her new guy I blew up and she blocked me. We've paved that over, but since then I've gone no contact.

 

id like to attempt reconciliation, but dont wanna do it if she feels smothered. I'm thinking maybe a phone call before Christmas and then zippin out of her life again, just to keep the curiosity up.

 

in the meantime ive just had a second date with a pretty fun girl, and things seem to be going well, who knows wjatll happen

[annisk]

Thanks for the insight and perspective, icequeen! I have to say I became aware of this perspective maybe a couple of weeks back but it's good to have read it to confirm that what I was thinking is true!

 

In terms of reconciliation though - don't you think that given the chance, the dumper may feel as though he's taking advantage of the dumpee by attempting to have another shot at it? And the dumpee may not want to ask because they don't want to make the dumper feel smothered? So I'd say reconciliation is something that would have to happen after a SIGNIFICANT amount of time has passed?

[i c e queen]

Good luck to you zard0z!! I want to keep up the curiosity too so im not going to call up my dumper on xmas (its his bday too) and i certainly hope im strong enough not to give in when xmas mood sets in, haha!

 

And annisk, i totallllly agree with you. I would think waiting till all the negativity fades away before contacting is more effective, and that would take at least 6 months? For my case it will be a long wait because my dumper feels he isnt mature enough to handle r/s, so i might never see light. Nevertheless, all the best to u!!!

[mariekatie]

This is very true. When dumper just got out of the relationship, they feel a sense of relief. I was never the dumper but i understood this because my ex told me this after a long time passed.

 

I was "desperate" and couldn't understand. I keep asking him WHY. It pushed him away till the point that he just totally ignored me. But well i overlooked many points, he's just wasn't the one for me. I knew it all along but i wanted him back so badly, i was overwhelmed with grief.

 

I was lucky, i met someone 2 weeks later. He's amazing. I got out of this mess.

Fast forward to 3 months later, my ex regretted dumping me. He came back to tell me he misses me but it was TOO LATE. I was already over him and he's feeling miserable. Tables have turned i guess.

 

I finally buck up my courage and ask my ex, why did he leave me.

He told me we keep fighting, he was feeling suffocated. He wanted out and he was "enjoying" the freedom. He immediately dated someone else. But after some time, he realise how good i was to him. We fight alot but i've never gave up on him, ever.

 

I guess dumpers do regret but it's often too late. I always believe when something end, it just means something better is waiting for you out there.

 

Good luck dumpees! Just few months ago, i thought i would be "stuck" forever. And now i'm with an amazing guy, never been so happy.

P.s i was mostly upset in my previous r/s.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am now a dumper living in major regret. in fact im so depressed that i dont sleep much and cant think straight.

 

there are 2 kinds of dumpers. im number 1. the stupid idiot who wasnt 100% truly really ready to EVER leave and still really loved my guy, but who didnt see it could work out AND couldnt and didnt look for a real solution and exhaustively knee jerk reaction gave up. I was a person who lived in fear and and acted way too hastily. also, i didnt do this, but this kind of dumper tests the waters hoping the dumpee will change. once again i didnt do this. thats type 1 dumper.

 

then there is #2 type dumper. the prepared dumper. they have already moved on mentally, and perhaps physically, and have psyched themselves and dont look back. they are ready. really ready as they will ever get to NOT look back

 

i also believe that since men and woman respond to things differently (just read men are from mars, women are from venus..because this statement is so darn true), when a man shows his sensitive side (not needy) and kindly and earnestly and lovingly in truth tries to get a woman back, with understanding a patience..i believe he has a good shot at getting her back. because woman do respond better to this and basically look for this in a man. she wants u to be strong. but she wants you to understand her needs, own what you do or dont do and in terms of meeting her needs. you have a shot if you did her wrong but show true change in your attitude and walk the walk.

 

also if a man is rejected he wants to be shown love. if you were needy and genuinely demanding or catered to him too much and he took advantage its time to show another. side of u. be strong. etc side. but if you were hard and unloving. show the show. and pray hard he will take u back.

 

like i said im very sad (in mourning over him) and very sleepy, and my brain is turning to mush from grief right now i am in the very thick of this muck of grieving. but i know i was wrong....and i wish i had him back...and if any help from, above i can at least for closure sake, tell him where i went wrong, in breaking it up from the start. just to hope to get forgiveness and closure of some kind. because its not looking good that he will have been back i cant seem to reach him. it looks to me as though he moved on to someone else. hes cut me off (basically) hes cold and indifferent...and because we were a LDR and he now looks like he met someone there he lives, hes probably very happy to have physical intimacy again. how can i stand up to this? im so damn sad.

 

point is..i believe you can sometimes get that dumper back again depending on the circumstances. you have to be true to where YOU went wrong, "if" you think they are worth getting back, and be real about who they are too of course. but own bad doing and profess love. if THEN things fail go N/C then imo. forget games life is short. i say be you. but be you in moderation. I like the OP's theory on dumpers and dumpees. but theres matters of the sex's too. we are different in how we hear things and respond to them. and you guys also know its a matter of circumstances too if reuniting is going to possible too. and forgiving, etc etc. i have been dumped and been the dumper. bottom line when u LOVE someone it sux either way to be apart. whoever did what. period...case closed. we have to treat the ones we love good and we can always live with that. i treated him nothing shy of a king. (3 years) but the last 2 months...is what he will likely remember since i was under so much stress and i hurt him, by ending it. to not say i love u and break it off seems to have done him in and plus it sure helped to quickly find another. and all i can remember is the last 2 months of my behavior too. and its killing me inside.... because i screwed this up. i pray God gives me peace someday . sorry for rambling. so very tired. grief is draining the life out of me. i dread the morning again. ps...though i dumped him, i told him i want him back and now he really doesnt seem to want me back. so ironically i feel dumped. and im lost with trying to heal as a dumper and dumpee. its the worst. so bad. i have been on down the road of dumpee 2 times and i can tell u this is really worse. a true double edged sword. yep dumper/dumpee

Edited November 3, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[birdy1105]

Thanks for this, it's really enlightening. I was the dumpee and so far it's been a month of NC (well, except for me periodically checking out his Twitter). The breakup was due to a buildup of frustration over my trust issues, as I couldn't forgive him for cheating on me twice, the most recent incident being 17 months ago. We're still in love but all the anxiety and insecurity on both our ends just became too much to bear, and I do agree.

 

Anyway my dumper ex has been handling the BU really badly as he's taking it all out on his Twitter. One minute he posts angry tweets about "running away from love" and "being finished" and the next he writes sad tweets about missing me. It's all so confusing. :-( How should I decipher all this?

[Richiebuoy]

I'm enjoying this thread too, thanks ice queen, your op is a good piece and certainly puts a perspective on how the dumper might feel, I do think a dumper will only regret it if it turns out to be a mistake though.

[Zard0z]

Thanks for this, it's really enlightening. I was the dumpee and so far it's been a month of NC (well, except for me periodically checking out his Twitter). The breakup was due to a buildup of frustration over my trust issues, as I couldn't forgive him for cheating on me twice, the most recent incident being 17 months ago. We're still in love but all the anxiety and insecurity on both our ends just became too much to bear, and I do agree.

 

Anyway my dumper ex has been handling the BU really badly as he's taking it all out on his Twitter. One minute he posts angry tweets about "running away from love" and "being finished" and the next he writes sad tweets about missing me. It's all so confusing. :-( How should I decipher all this?

 

please dont stay with a man who cheats. that was my father. he wasted so much of our families money and caused my mother to be paranoid about very many things. we are only now starting to understand the full ectent of the harm he's done. but we are healing.

[i c e queen]

This is very true. When dumper just got out of the relationship, they feel a sense of relief. I was never the dumper but i understood this because my ex told me this after a long time passed.

 

I was "desperate" and couldn't understand. I keep asking him WHY. It pushed him away till the point that he just totally ignored me. But well i overlooked many points, he's just wasn't the one for me. I knew it all along but i wanted him back so badly, i was overwhelmed with grief.

 

I was lucky, i met someone 2 weeks later. He's amazing. I got out of this mess.

Fast forward to 3 months later, my ex regretted dumping me. He came back to tell me he misses me but it was TOO LATE. I was already over him and he's feeling miserable. Tables have turned i guess.

 

I finally buck up my courage and ask my ex, why did he leave me.

He told me we keep fighting, he was feeling suffocated. He wanted out and he was "enjoying" the freedom. He immediately dated someone else. But after some time, he realise how good i was to him. We fight alot but i've never gave up on him, ever.

 

I guess dumpers do regret but it's often too late. I always believe when something end, it just means something better is waiting for you out there.

 

Good luck dumpees! Just few months ago, i thought i would be "stuck" forever. And now i'm with an amazing guy, never been so happy.

P.s i was mostly upset in my previous r/s.

 

same situation here! too much quarrels and the guy just couldnt take it any further. and like u, i never left, never gave up on him no matter how much **** i was in. and i learned that after the guy "acquired" u and once honeymoon phase is off, he stops trying. he simply stopped appreciating what he has.

 

but unlike u, two weeks is too fast for me to get into a new rs, haha!

really admire your strength there!

 

and to all dumpees, please stick to NC, never never never give in. look how far you have come! many times we are deluded because we got rejected and we feel injustice. who knows, you prolly dont really want the dumper back, you just cannot accept the ego bruise. when the dumper comes back, you might just crawl back into your cave and refuse the dumper :cool:

 

if we can fall for them, we can fall for another too.

 

THIS IS NOT THE END!!! <3

[IfiKnewThen]

i know cheating is bad anytime. but i really think if before marriage someone does this and hes learned a hard lesson. and he looks at marriage as a whole other deeper commitment, the a person can change. i bet your x b/f who tweats is miserable...and def wants you back. doesnt mean it's good or healthy to go back to him. but if you guys werent married..he can change his ways possibly and appreciate what he lost in you and marry u someday and commit. its depends on his maturity and insight level and love he realizes for u. just sayin

[jbentley87]

So is there a time frame for when the dumpee should break NC? I've often heard that it is dependant upon how long you were in a relationship. I just don't want to keep edging off the cliff until I fall off and she loses sight of me...

 

think of it this way:

first month after the BU = 100% relief

second month after the BU = 80% relief + 20% missing you

third month after the BU = 60% relief + 40% missing you

so on and so forth.

 

Three months is a long time to only be at 40%! I was hoping it was more like 1st week, 2nd week, and so on. Do you think this relief/missing ratio progresses differently for different situations and people?

[Day.One]

Subscribed. Will be following this thread as perhaps it will give me some insight as to what she (dumper) is thinking, and going through.

[i c e queen]

So is there a time frame for when the dumpee should break NC? I've often heard that it is dependant upon how long you were in a relationship. I just don't want to keep edging off the cliff until I fall off and she loses sight of me...

 

 

 

Three months is a long time to only be at 40%! I was hoping it was more like 1st week, 2nd week, and so on. Do you think this relief/missing ratio progresses differently for different situations and people?

 

of course it's different for different situations and people!! just a figure of speech :)

 

as for breaking NC (if you must)..my humble opinion is that when the sense of relief > missing you, too much contact can be a turn off. Therefore when you do contact her, dont talk about the break up. Talking about it will only bring back all the reasons why she felt relieved without you. If she brings it up, go with the flow..but be humourous and keep it light, remind her subtly of how fun you are. You dont have to outright remind her of how fun you are, if she knows you are, she knows. The more you try to prove something, the more suffocating it gets for her.

 

If she cuts the communication short, leave it at that. You can try again, but maybe target a longer NC period?

 

Honestly, i dont think she will lose sight of you. From a girl's perspective, i dont even forget a guy who chases me (whom i have no interest in), let alone an ex. Girls love attention, when we dont get it, that's when we ponder why.

 

just some generic opinion, take it with a pinch of salt! :cool:

[IfiKnewThen]

i agree with the original poster here. and like i said the sexes respond differently to different things. woman like the attention. and will miss it when its gone.

 

exactly!

[lemonsugar]

i agree with the original poster here. and like i said the sexes respond differently to different things. woman like the attention. and will miss it when its gone.

 

exactly!

 

From what i read men seem to come back more. Women are more logical have greater support systems trust me my friends would kill me if i went back with him. We generally only walk away when we cant see any other options. Hence why i hadnt done it already but was thinking and distancing and he did it. However a week later i am so glad it hurts but i feel relief it is over. If he came back I would say no i cant im moving on not there completely but am close. Not sure if im right on guys but from here they tend to come back at some point even just to check in. Girls I know never look back once they have moved on

[Day.One]

From what i read men seem to come back more. Women are more logical have greater support systems trust me my friends would kill me if i went back with him. We generally only walk away when we cant see any other options. Hence why i hadnt done it already but was thinking and distancing and he did it. However a week later i am so glad it hurts but i feel relief it is over. If he came back I would say no i cant im moving on not there completely but am close. Not sure if im right on guys but from here they tend to come back at some point even just to check in. Girls I know never look back once they have moved on

 

I hope that's not always the case. As I mentioned above, I'm the dumpee

She moved out 6 weeks ago after 24 years together. She said she had become invisible and felt left alone.

 

I had gotten my head around her being gone (as a much as was possible). We managed LC rather than NC until last week when we sat down and had a coffee together, for 3 hours of talking. And met again the following day. And then later in the week we took my Mum out for the birthday (Wife's idea).

 

But now it appears we're back to NC. Just as we got used to being together. It's tough. I have to get back to square one. And this time around its not easy.

 

I've been in counselling since week one, and have made a lot of progress. She hadn't done any, but starts tomorrow.

 

I guess all I can do now is try and back off, until she chooses to reach out.

[i c e queen]

I hope that's not always the case. As I mentioned above, I'm the dumpee

She moved out 6 weeks ago after 24 years together. She said she had become invisible and felt left alone.

 

I had gotten my head around her being gone (as a much as was possible). We managed LC rather than NC until last week when we sat down and had a coffee together, for 3 hours of talking. And met again the following day. And then later in the week we took my Mum out for the birthday (Wife's idea).

 

But now it appears we're back to NC. Just as we got used to being together. It's tough. I have to get back to square one. And this time around its not easy.

 

I've been in counselling since week one, and have made a lot of progress. She hadn't done any, but starts tomorrow.

 

I guess all I can do now is try and back off, until she chooses to reach out.

 

timing is really crucial. it's tricky.

 

it is true that once im over an ex, i never look back. even when i bump into an ex dumper, exchanged greetings, and later when he texts me to catch up, i dont bother to reply. im not sure if all girls are like that but my rationale behind it is, once i purged him out of my system, he no longer deserves my time/attention.

 

similarly, right now i still miss my most recent dumper so if he returns to talk things out hoping to solve our problems, i will still give him a chance (2nd month of NC). but having said that, i am actually healing and once i am fully recovered, i really wouldnt care (esp when i have found a better partner).

 

i guess girls are like that because during our healing period we convince ourselves a lot about how unworthy the guy is. once that mentality sets in, we feel so enlightened we find ourselves so dumb for loving the guy so much...and so we move on! it's not that we are heartless, it's just that guys come back at the wrong time.

 

but then again, maybe it's just me :lmao:

[birdy1105]

please dont stay with a man who cheats. that was my father. he wasted so much of our families money and caused my mother to be paranoid about very many things. we are only now starting to understand the full ectent of the harm he's done. but we are healing.

 

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Unfaithfulness cuts so deep and sometimes it feels like I will never trust anyone again, even myself. I can't even imagine what it must be like for your family. I wish you true healing and peace.

 

The sad thing is, my ex really did take concrete steps to make amends after I caught him. He gave in to all my irrational demands and put up with my controlling behavior. He was patient amid all my breakdowns. But in the end I just couldn't move past it quickly enough for him. In hindsight, I see that continuing the relationship as if nothing happened didn't allow me to grieve the betrayals properly.

[birdy1105]

i know cheating is bad anytime. but i really think if before marriage someone does this and hes learned a hard lesson. and he looks at marriage as a whole other deeper commitment, the a person can change. i bet your x b/f who tweats is miserable...and def wants you back. doesnt mean it's good or healthy to go back to him. but if you guys werent married..he can change his ways possibly and appreciate what he lost in you and marry u someday and commit. its depends on his maturity and insight level and love he realizes for u. just sayin

 

It really seems like he learned his lesson. TBH we did try, excessively, to rebuild trust. But he gave up when he felt there was nothing more he could do to help me cope.

 

I guess I'm trying to read his behavior after the BU to gauge if I still have a chance with him many months down the line. The trust thing was the only huge issue with us. It's hard because I also want to move past my pain, and while I accept that the relationship is dead, I can't cope with the feeling that my love for him isn't.

[tikay00]

timing is really crucial. it's tricky.

 

it is true that once im over an ex, i never look back. even when i bump into an ex dumper, exchanged greetings, and later when he texts me to catch up, i dont bother to reply. im not sure if all girls are like that but my rationale behind it is, once i purged him out of my system, he no longer deserves my time/attention.

 

similarly, right now i still miss my most recent dumper so if he returns to talk things out hoping to solve our problems, i will still give him a chance (2nd month of NC). but having said that, i am actually healing and once i am fully recovered, i really wouldnt care (esp when i have found a better partner).

 

i guess girls are like that because during our healing period we convince ourselves a lot about how unworthy the guy is. once that mentality sets in, we feel so enlightened we find ourselves so dumb for loving the guy so much...and so we move on! it's not that we are heartless, it's just that guys come back at the wrong time.

 

but then again, maybe it's just me :lmao:

 

What do you mean timing? You mean try to get you guys back before the enlightening period?

[i c e queen]

What do you mean timing? You mean try to get you guys back before the enlightening period?

 

for me, definitely.

 

if u dumped a girl and want her back, do so before she reaches enlightenment :p

 

how fast it takes her to reach enlightenment depends on various factors such as the strength of her social support (family, gfs), if there's a good guy around her, if she is an introvert/extrovert etc.

[Day.One]

for me, definitely.

 

if u dumped a girl and want her back, do so before she reaches enlightenment :p

 

how fast it takes her to reach enlightenment depends on various factors such as the strength of her social support (family, gfs), if there's a good guy around her, if she is an introvert/extrovert etc.

 

Would you say the same applies if she is the dumper?

[mariekatie]

same situation here! too much quarrels and the guy just couldnt take it any further. and like u, i never left, never gave up on him no matter how much **** i was in. and i learned that after the guy "acquired" u and once honeymoon phase is off, he stops trying. he simply stopped appreciating what he has.

 

but unlike u, two weeks is too fast for me to get into a new rs, haha!

really admire your strength there!

 

and to all dumpees, please stick to NC, never never never give in. look how far you have come! many times we are deluded because we got rejected and we feel injustice. who knows, you prolly dont really want the dumper back, you just cannot accept the ego bruise. when the dumper comes back, you might just crawl back into your cave and refuse the dumper :cool:

 

if we can fall for them, we can fall for another too.

 

THIS IS NOT THE END!!! <3

 

 

Well i always thought i couldn't do it too. I was in a desperate mindset for 1 month honestly, i tried to convince him to come back. Maybe i already knew he wasn't the one. It's kinda sick but i always try to dig out the truth and hurt myself to force myself to move on. And i got my "answer", he said he likes someone else (but after 4 months, he told me it was because of all the quarrels). I think he's lying and is experiencing GIGS but who cares now? hahaha!

 

Honestly we don't want them. It's just a habit, we like their presence and when it's gone suddenly, we felt extreme loss thus creating a "false image" that we can't live without them.

 

Well now thinking back, i took only 1 day to move on from all my past relationships. But i've dragged mostly for a month. I didn't go NC during the first few weeks, i did the "begging, crying" as well. But once i got my "answer", i instantly move on. I just wanted an explanation i guess. You're right about the ego bruise as well. I thought i was the BEST, so i wondered why he left me.

 

Don't give up dumpees, you will meet someone. My current guy is SO MUCH BETTER. He makes me realise why it didn't work out with any of my exs.

[i c e queen]

Would you say the same applies if she is the dumper?

 

depends on the underlying reasons behind the dumping.

she doesnt seem indifferent though..which is good i guess!