Slut shaming

[Got it]

What impact does that honestly have on my life?None.

 

 

I am wondering then why spend so much time on these boards claiming its meaningless to your life-I feel like some place inside it does hold meaning because you sure spend a lot of time making sure total strangers know its meaningless to you-

 

Point being- I guess, my hope for all of us is that at some point infidelity and all its messiness becomes such a part of our past that we no longer have the need to spend so much time discussing it, so much of our time thinking about it, etc... LS has helped me tremendously but I look forward to the day when its no longer something I need to discuss-a day when I am "all better" whatever that means-

 

:laugh: that is such a strawman argument! :laugh:

 

If you talk about it here, especially if you were an OP, then you it MUST be of utmost important to your entire life and invalidates whatever point one was making.

 

Please educate me, how much time is appropriate to give the correct perception? Is it 1 minute? 10 minutes? 1x a week? 1x a month? Please, I didn't get the memo and want to make sure I understand correctly.

 

And what have I said is meaningless per say? People's opinions? The affair? What? Because this topic, and what I spoke about, was people and gossiping. What you are alluding to is the affair, in all it's glory, and "what does it all mean?" which is a totally different topic.

 

How much you are interested in discussing it is dictate solely by you and your reasons for wanting to discuss it will vary. But just like I will discuss my divorce, my childhood, my dietary decisions, my political views, and professional opinions, they are because they are events that have happened in my life, they are germane to a conversation and I feel I can add insight or knowledge. It can be an interesting talking point, no more no less.

 

One major difference, is whether one is here for help and/or enlightenment, or just to talk. I promise, I never come to LoveShack for any real insight into my life, my decisions or gaining public opinion. I think I have posted one thread actually asking for opinion and have only started a handful of them in all the years here. Working through my issues is done with my real life family and friends, a therapist or other resource. People who know me and actually know the situation/players involved.

 

So I am not looking to change anyone's opinion, care to change their opinion about me, or having any real impact on them. I just like to debate and argue. It is what I was born and bred to do.

[Got it]

The people who don't care are the ones with low morals & character. Those people are the ones who will keep repeating the same behavior over & over if they don't care what others think about what their doing. Who wants to be viewed in such a negative way? Word will get around to relatives & such if your in a long marriage than it all of a sudden ends. They'll wonder why, and it'll come out sooner or later. Would you want your ex wife/husband's family who you've known for years know your some slut that sleeps around?

 

And there's no doubt people will talk about it even if you don't think they do. How would the affair person know what people are saying about them when their not around? When their around other people obviously it won't be brought up. Maybe years later it won't be brought up, but those people will have it in the back of their minds, and will always know what you did.

 

But who cares!?! What does this actually mean, in day to day life? Who cares. Sigh. I really don't see, in an actual busy life, why this matters. Maybe Peyton's Place it does, but I live in a pretty urban area. This really isn't about whether Buffy at the country club is going to tell Biff that I buffed someone's beau.

 

 

Now say that five times fast!

[NJ123]

But who cares!?! What does this actually mean, in day to day life? Who cares. Sigh. I really don't see, in an actual busy life, why this matters. Maybe Peyton's Place it does, but I live in a pretty urban area. This really isn't about whether Buffy at the country club is going to tell Biff that I buffed someone's beau.

 

 

Now say that five times fast!

 

A lot of people care because it gives such a negative view of marriage/relationships to a lot of people. All the time we hear about people having affairs or sleeping around, & it gives such a negative view of dating/marriage since it happens all the time. The mindset you have is what millions of others have which is why there's so much cheating going on.

[gettingstronger]

So I am not looking to change anyone's opinion, care to change their opinion about me, or having any real impact on them. I just like to debate and argue. It is what I was born and bred to do.

 

 

 

Ha! Well that explains everything. Hope in your future you find something else to debate that doesn't make you look like you are still hung up. Enjoy.

[Got it]

So I am not looking to change anyone's opinion, care to change their opinion about me, or having any real impact on them. I just like to debate and argue. It is what I was born and bred to do.

 

 

 

Ha! Well that explains everything. Hope in your future you find something else to debate that doesn't make you look like you are still hung up. Enjoy.

 

Because someone discusses any subtopic of a topic doesn't not mean they are hung up. I am still confused by what you are saying. Hung up by what? You post more than I. Are you hung up? Are others? And what does this have to do with the OPs question? Why does my dissenting opinion matter?

[Got it]

A lot of people care because it gives such a negative view of marriage/relationships to a lot of people. All the time we hear about people having affairs or sleeping around, & it gives such a negative view of dating/marriage since it happens all the time. The mindset you have is what millions of others have which is why there's so much cheating going on.

 

Sorry, this didn't answer my question.

 

Do you actually think there are more affairs now than prior decades? Controlling monogamy has been on the docket since we stopped being nomads.

 

But my question was on a tactical level. How does this "talking" impact ones life that you say is always happening? Is there a timeline on this or are the gossip are still going decades later? And isn't there almost the same gossip about how someone's husband left her, probably not good in the bedroom. Or his wife left him, poor chump, wasn't given it a proper heave ho.

 

It's just petty gossip. And people are always fixated on other peoples sex lives. Men are the worst with this. I have seen grown men make crap up from a gut instinct or overactive imagination .

[gettingstronger]

Because someone discusses any subtopic of a topic doesn't not mean they are hung up. I am still confused by what you are saying. Hung up by what? You post more than I. Are you hung up? Are others? And what does this have to do with the OPs question? Why does my dissenting opinion matter?

 

You bet I'm hung up. I've never said otherwise. As I have said I look forward to the day when I'm not. I hope the same for you as well. It's not the dissenting opinion, it's the shear volume of the posts and the unrelenting need to be right that seems to point to a lot of growth and healing is still left. I wish you the best in your pursuit of both. So back to the topic , not sure it's slut shaming or just shame that drives the need to legitimize an affair. I see it all the time on LS and even get drawn in to the mental gymnastics other go through to deny it.

 

Peace and healing to all.

[NJ123]

Sorry, this didn't answer my question.

 

Do you actually think there are more affairs now than prior decades? Controlling monogamy has been on the docket since we stopped being nomads.

 

But my question was on a tactical level. How does this "talking" impact ones life that you say is always happening? Is there a timeline on this or are the gossip are still going decades later? And isn't there almost the same gossip about how someone's husband left her, probably not good in the bedroom. Or his wife left him, poor chump, wasn't given it a proper heave ho.

 

It's just petty gossip. And people are always fixated on other peoples sex lives. Men are the worst with this. I have seen grown men make crap up from a gut instinct or overactive imagination .

 

It doesn't impact one's life that isn't personally affected by it, but it can certainly give someone a negative view about marriage or even being in a relationship. There's plenty of people these days that have no interest in getting married due to seeing what goes on in marriages. Even just on this site, I've only been on here for less than 2 months, & I've seen plenty of stories about affairs. And most of the time it seems they don't even have much guilt. Also, read plenty of comments of people knowing others who have kids & go sleep around during the week with their "boyfriends". It's just disgusting behavior & there's no excuse for it whatsoever. It just makes me wonder how these people can live with themselves doing these things. Like I said before, if you want to act like a single person than don't get married. Or get divorced/separate before you want to sleep with someone else. So many lives could be ****ed up by this. And sometimes it even turns violent.The kids especially when they get older a lot of the time get the mentality where they think it's okay to sleep around since their mom or dad did it.

[JustJoe]

Nope. Who says that everyone keeps it hidden?

If it is not hidden, and everybody is aware of it, then it is not an affair, is it? It is an open relationship. So, yes, all true affairs are hidden from some body in order to remain affairs.

[JustJoe]

Well, yes, it only makes sense if you would like to keep an affair going so usually not having the spouse find out is rule number 1, secrecy in that regard is just matter of course. That doesn't have anything to do with opinions, it is just a logistical hurdle.

 

Secrecy and caring about random opinions are two separate things. Some times people don't want others to know. Sometimes people do care that their image is tainted. Some people do care. Some people don't.

 

And when the secrecy happens is going to vary as well. Caring about people knowing in the midst of it and caring years later are also two separate things.

Sorry, but this is double-talk. And I'm pretty sure that you are aware that it is. Anything to win an argument, and you don't care? Bushwa. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be on this thread. Catch 22. By arguing that you don't care, you prove the opposite.

[JustJoe]

Anywho, Loveboid, Yes, I think many WS's will use wantever methods they can to avoid full responsibility, and also to minimize the depth of their betrayal. I believe it is called being in the "affair fog". They desperately WANT to believe that the affair is somehow more special than it probably is. BTW, I'm an OM who is married to the WW, that says it. OOne of the key issues we faced was to view my wife's affair as what it really was, instead of what we wanted it to be.

[Got it]

Sorry, but this is double-talk. And I'm pretty sure that you are aware that it is. Anything to win an argument, and you don't care? Bushwa. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be on this thread. Catch 22. By arguing that you don't care, you prove the opposite.

 

What!?!

 

I don't care about what? You grossly misunderstood what is written. I said I enjoy debating and arguing. I have never said I must win an argument. That was another poster's assumption. Willing to engage in a debate does not mean one feels they must win the debate. It means there is a joy in debating the topic. So SURE! I absolutely an interested in the topic, if I wasn't, I wouldn't be posting. that seems fairly elementary.

 

So what exactly are you saying I care about. Specifically?

[Got it]

Anywho, Loveboid, Yes, I think many WS's will use wantever methods they can to avoid full responsibility, and also to minimize the depth of their betrayal. I believe it is called being in the "affair fog". They desperately WANT to believe that the affair is somehow more special than it probably is. BTW, I'm an OM who is married to the WW, that says it. OOne of the key issues we faced was to view my wife's affair as what it really was, instead of what we wanted it to be.

 

Really? Your wife's affair? I believe it was your affair as well. Kind of "hands off" there isn't it?

[Got it]

It doesn't impact one's life that isn't personally affected by it, but it can certainly give someone a negative view about marriage or even being in a relationship. There's plenty of people these days that have no interest in getting married due to seeing what goes on in marriages. Even just on this site, I've only been on here for less than 2 months, & I've seen plenty of stories about affairs. And most of the time it seems they don't even have much guilt. Also, read plenty of comments of people knowing others who have kids & go sleep around during the week with their "boyfriends". It's just disgusting behavior & there's no excuse for it whatsoever. It just makes me wonder how these people can live with themselves doing these things. Like I said before, if you want to act like a single person than don't get married. Or get divorced/separate before you want to sleep with someone else. So many lives could be ****ed up by this. And sometimes it even turns violent.The kids especially when they get older a lot of the time get the mentality where they think it's okay to sleep around since their mom or dad did it.

 

NJ - I get that. And it has been discussed ad nausuem. But that isn't what this thread is about. This thread was about shaming one gender more so than the other in an affair. And then tied to gossip about having engaged in an affair. So I stated (as did the other poster) that, so many years later, it really hasn't continued to have an impact and that having general people gossiping wasn't a concern in one's day to day life as well as the subdiscussion that gossiping says as much, or more, about the gossiper as the gossipee.

 

So you countered my argument that affairs are bad, people see them as bad, yadda yadda. So I asked again, how does this gossiping from the generic population impact one's day to day operations and less on a theoretical/philosophical level. And you countered again with a more philosophical argument.

 

I get that, I am not arguing that. If you want to take your last post and make it it's own thread I am more than happy to give you my reasoning/thinking process as a MOW and then an OW and I am happy to debate those points.

 

But, to circle this back around, I have had little issues with the shaming or the gossiping that others speak of. Did it happen? I am sure of it but 5 years afterwards it has become almost nonexistent. But (as others have accused me of being grossly focused on the topic) I have never allowed it to disappear either. Contrary to popular belief I do continue to own my part of it and I refuse to allow it to be compartmentalized so the one is doomed to repeat the past. What I have always focused on is less of the affair but the beginning of the slippery slope to get to the affair. Those self justifications YEARS in the making that lends to a separate life and compartmentalized thinking that isn't necessarily tied to sexual/romantic thoughts. I stay reminded of the conflict avoiding and martyrdom thinking that allowed me to start justifying a parallel existence as well as the development of "roles" that I play and not having a complete and authentic life.

 

So I absolutely still speak on this topic because I feel it is of value. But no one can say I haven't owned my part in it even if I am not wrenching my clothes from my body, and wailing, ever time the topic comes up. Nor will be I be silenced by others because I am not following party line.

 

I greatly follow the saying, those that ignore the past are doomed to repeat it. And I greatly appreciate those lessons learned, some much more painful than others.

 

And sue me, I love arguing and it is a topic that interests me.

[Got it]

Because someone discusses any subtopic of a topic doesn't not mean they are hung up. I am still confused by what you are saying. Hung up by what? You post more than I. Are you hung up? Are others? And what does this have to do with the OPs question? Why does my dissenting opinion matter?

 

You bet I'm hung up. I've never said otherwise. As I have said I look forward to the day when I'm not. I hope the same for you as well. It's not the dissenting opinion, it's the shear volume of the posts and the unrelenting need to be right that seems to point to a lot of growth and healing is still left. I wish you the best in your pursuit of both. So back to the topic , not sure it's slut shaming or just shame that drives the need to legitimize an affair. I see it all the time on LS and even get drawn in to the mental gymnastics other go through to deny it.

 

Peace and healing to all.

 

gettingstronger - I am not going to debate it further with you. I am very sorry for your pain and I wish you the best in your healing.

[gettingstronger]

gettingstronger - I am not going to debate it further with you. I am very sorry for your pain and I wish you the best in your healing.

 

 

There are two ways to take this- as an admonishment and pat on the head or at face value- I chose face value and wish you the same- I hope that self-acceptance comes to you and you find peace with yourself-

[JustJoe]

Really? Your wife's affair? I believe it was your affair as well. Kind of "hands off" there isn't it?

I wasn't married to anybody, so ..No.. it wasn't MY affair.

[JustJoe]

What!?!

 

I don't care about what? You grossly misunderstood what is written. I said I enjoy debating and arguing. I have never said I must win an argument. That was another poster's assumption. Willing to engage in a debate does not mean one feels they must win the debate. It means there is a joy in debating the topic. So SURE! I absolutely an interested in the topic, if I wasn't, I wouldn't be posting. that seems fairly elementary.

 

So what exactly are you saying I care about. Specifically?

OK, got it. You are right and everybody else is wrong. Another catch 22, if I debate you , then I'm guilty of T/J ing the thread. so I'll leave you to your mud pies.