Slut shaming

[Redheaded Mistress]

Society may not come out and say things to your face, but if they know, they're likely talking...behind your back. I'm quite sure you wouldn't care about such pettiness, but please don't be naive to think that if known, it's all okay and every one couldn't care less. I've seen this a few times in my experience and it's not the casual nonchalance you believe it to be. Well, in the society I live in.

 

There's a variable in our situation that makes it obvious to anybody (even strangers) that we probably came together as an affair and beyond that, at some point, somebody brings it up where he works... His ex works at the same location, different time of day than he does, her last name is the same as his, mine is my maiden name... Inevitably a new employee gets confused by wife vs. ex-wife as a result of the different last name, and somebody goes into the "Mr. Blank was married to Miss. Blank, but he had an affair with Mrs. Mistress and he left Miss. Blank. Now Mr. Blank is married to Mrs. Mistress, but Miss. Blank kept her married name" explanation.

 

There is no way that people, from family to teachers to clients can't figure out what happened.

 

I can count the number of people who were scandalized and cut one or the both of us off as a result on one hand, and all of those were people who made that choice right after the affair went public and were people who presented themselves as loyal friends of the BS (rightly or wrongly).

 

I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, nobody cares beyond the immediate drama-loving social circle of his ex-wife... Which, to be perfectly honest, consists of about 5 or 6 entry-level, low educated people who get into a tizzy about everything because they only feel important when they're in a quagmire of drama. They're the same ones that turn a minor incident into a world-ending source of drama for weeks on end.

 

Do people talk about what they know of the gory details of what happened over half a decade ago when prompted to? Oh, I'm sure. But nobody cares anymore. No scarlet "A" on my chest. No hushed whispering when we go into a room. No peering sideways when we go to an event together. I still socialize with married men, married women, sometimes one-on-one. None of the guys make sly comments to fish if I'm interested in sleeping with them, none of the women do that with my husband. He is still getting promotions and recognition at work, I'm still a PTA member and a public figure at the Chamber of Commerce. We both still go to church, he's still involved with the Men's group, I'm one of the Children's Church leaders.

 

Other than the people I mentioned above (who quite literally have absolutely nothing better to do with their time) care even remotely... And I'd still define that care as moderate (at best). I've always thought it's a little self-centered to assume your affair is the center of everybody else's world like it is yours. Most people just don't care. They're not married to you, they're not involved, they don't have to care. Especially years down the road... A lot of people don't even remember.

 

In the compartmentalized little world that is this forum, people think that this is a life and character defining action that erases previous good, makes future redemption difficult, and is an irreversible character flaw of an inherently bad, misguided, selfish person. In the real world, that's not how most people deal with this.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Lurkeraspect]

There's a variable in our situation that makes it obvious to anybody (even strangers) that we probably came together as an affair and beyond that, at some point, somebody brings it up where he works... His ex works at the same location, different time of day than he does, her last name is the same as his, mine is my maiden name... Inevitably a new employee gets confused by wife vs. ex-wife as a result of the different last name, and somebody goes into the "Mr. Blank was married to Miss. Blank, but he had an affair with Mrs. Mistress and he left Miss. Blank. Now Mr. Blank is married to Mrs. Mistress, but Miss. Blank kept her married name" explanation.

 

There is no way that people, from family to teachers to clients can't figure out what happened.

 

I can count the number of people who were scandalized and cut one or the both of us off as a result on one hand, and all of those were people who made that choice right after the affair went public and were people who presented themselves as loyal friends of the BS (rightly or wrongly).

 

I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, nobody cares beyond the immediate drama-loving social circle of his ex-wife... Which, to be perfectly honest, consists of about 5 or 6 entry-level, low educated people who get into a tizzy about everything because they only feel important when they're in a quagmire of drama. They're the same ones that turn a minor incident into a world-ending source of drama for weeks on end.

 

Do people talk about what they know of the gory details of what happened over half a decade ago when prompted to? Oh, I'm sure. But nobody cares anymore. No scarlet "A" on my chest. No hushed whispering when we go into a room. No peering sideways when we go to an event together. I still socialize with married men, married women, sometimes one-on-one. None of the guys make sly comments to fish if I'm interested in sleeping with them, none of the women do that with my husband. He is still getting promotions and recognition at work, I'm still a PTA member and a public figure at the Chamber of Commerce. We both still go to church, he's still involved with the Men's group, I'm one of the Children's Church leaders.

 

Other than the people I mentioned above (who quite literally have absolutely nothing better to do with their time) care even remotely... And I'd still define that care as moderate (at best). I've always thought it's a little self-centered to assume your affair is the center of everybody else's world like it is yours. Most people just don't care. They're not married to you, they're not involved, they don't have to care. Especially years down the road... A lot of people don't even remember.

 

In the compartmentalized little world that is this forum, people think that this is a life and character defining action that erases previous good, makes future redemption difficult, and is an irreversible character flaw of an inherently bad, misguided, selfish person. In the real world, that's not how most people deal with this.

 

I'm pretty new here, and have never been an ow or the BS, and I wasn't talking about the compartmentalized little world in this forum, rather real life experience in my city, with people I know. They don't wear the proverbial scarlet A, but people sure do talk about them behind their back. So, you may think people don't talk and don't care, and they smile and are social with you, but trust me, someone is yapping it up. Again, not that I think you should or do care.

[lovinDKT3]

There's a variable in our situation that makes it obvious to anybody (even strangers) that we probably came together as an affair and beyond that, at some point, somebody brings it up where he works... His ex works at the same location, different time of day than he does, her last name is the same as his, mine is my maiden name... Inevitably a new employee gets confused by wife vs. ex-wife as a result of the different last name, and somebody goes into the "Mr. Blank was married to Miss. Blank, but he had an affair with Mrs. Mistress and he left Miss. Blank. Now Mr. Blank is married to Mrs. Mistress, but Miss. Blank kept her married name" explanation.

 

There is no way that people, from family to teachers to clients can't figure out what happened.

 

I can count the number of people who were scandalized and cut one or the both of us off as a result on one hand, and all of those were people who made that choice right after the affair went public and were people who presented themselves as loyal friends of the BS (rightly or wrongly).

 

I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, nobody cares beyond the immediate drama-loving social circle of his ex-wife... Which, to be perfectly honest, consists of about 5 or 6 entry-level, low educated people who get into a tizzy about everything because they only feel important when they're in a quagmire of drama. They're the same ones that turn a minor incident into a world-ending source of drama for weeks on end.

 

Do people talk about what they know of the gory details of what happened over half a decade ago when prompted to? Oh, I'm sure. But nobody cares anymore. No scarlet "A" on my chest. No hushed whispering when we go into a room. No peering sideways when we go to an event together. I still socialize with married men, married women, sometimes one-on-one. None of the guys make sly comments to fish if I'm interested in sleeping with them, none of the women do that with my husband. He is still getting promotions and recognition at work, I'm still a PTA member and a public figure at the Chamber of Commerce. We both still go to church, he's still involved with the Men's group, I'm one of the Children's Church leaders.

 

Other than the people I mentioned above (who quite literally have absolutely nothing better to do with their time) care even remotely... And I'd still define that care as moderate (at best). I've always thought it's a little self-centered to assume your affair is the center of everybody else's world like it is yours. Most people just don't care. They're not married to you, they're not involved, they don't have to care. Especially years down the road... A lot of people don't even remember.

 

In the compartmentalized little world that is this forum, people think that this is a life and character defining action that erases previous good, makes future redemption difficult, and is an irreversible character flaw of an inherently bad, misguided, selfish person. In the real world, that's not how most people deal with this.

 

Maybe that's the way you would like it to be, the truth is you do wear that A in the minds of far more people then you would like to believe. Including many of those "friends" you speak of.

 

I think its very shallow of you to insinuate that the level of education is a factor on how infidelity is viewed. Well educated people do care. Why? Because it is a character flaw. Men that know look and think of you differently, women that know keep a closer eye on you around their men.

 

Its so much easier to attack others in these situations. I recall in the first season of the showtime series Homeland, were the two womens husbands where MIA for 9 years or so. One woman remarried and moved on with her life, the second women secretly started a romance with her husbands best friend. She then became upset with the first woman for doing out in the open what she was doing herself behind closed doors. That's human nature.

 

Just as we were flawed in having the affair (no matter how you twist it, its effed up), others are flawed in taking offense of it being done and passing judgement on you. Its all part of the cost. You simply can't get involved in others peoples lifes ie sleeping with another womans husband then not expect to be judged for it. No matter the outcome of your relationship for some it will always be dirty and something that grew out of the pain of others.

[NJ123]

There's a variable in our situation that makes it obvious to anybody (even strangers) that we probably came together as an affair and beyond that, at some point, somebody brings it up where he works... His ex works at the same location, different time of day than he does, her last name is the same as his, mine is my maiden name... Inevitably a new employee gets confused by wife vs. ex-wife as a result of the different last name, and somebody goes into the "Mr. Blank was married to Miss. Blank, but he had an affair with Mrs. Mistress and he left Miss. Blank. Now Mr. Blank is married to Mrs. Mistress, but Miss. Blank kept her married name" explanation.

 

There is no way that people, from family to teachers to clients can't figure out what happened.

 

I can count the number of people who were scandalized and cut one or the both of us off as a result on one hand, and all of those were people who made that choice right after the affair went public and were people who presented themselves as loyal friends of the BS (rightly or wrongly).

 

I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, nobody cares beyond the immediate drama-loving social circle of his ex-wife... Which, to be perfectly honest, consists of about 5 or 6 entry-level, low educated people who get into a tizzy about everything because they only feel important when they're in a quagmire of drama. They're the same ones that turn a minor incident into a world-ending source of drama for weeks on end.

 

Do people talk about what they know of the gory details of what happened over half a decade ago when prompted to? Oh, I'm sure. But nobody cares anymore. No scarlet "A" on my chest. No hushed whispering when we go into a room. No peering sideways when we go to an event together. I still socialize with married men, married women, sometimes one-on-one. None of the guys make sly comments to fish if I'm interested in sleeping with them, none of the women do that with my husband. He is still getting promotions and recognition at work, I'm still a PTA member and a public figure at the Chamber of Commerce. We both still go to church, he's still involved with the Men's group, I'm one of the Children's Church leaders.

 

Other than the people I mentioned above (who quite literally have absolutely nothing better to do with their time) care even remotely... And I'd still define that care as moderate (at best). I've always thought it's a little self-centered to assume your affair is the center of everybody else's world like it is yours. Most people just don't care. They're not married to you, they're not involved, they don't have to care. Especially years down the road... A lot of people don't even remember.

 

In the compartmentalized little world that is this forum, people think that this is a life and character defining action that erases previous good, makes future redemption difficult, and is an irreversible character flaw of an inherently bad, misguided, selfish person. In the real world, that's not how most people deal with this.

 

Sorry, but people who cheat are misguided selfish people. That's the problem with cheaters, they always think their actions aren't as serious as they really are which makes cheaters continue to cheat. The only way they'll stop is if they realize what their doing is seriously wrong. It's completely disgusting to think some husband/wife with kids is going out banging some other man/woman at night pretending their someplace else. If I were seeing someone, just the thought of someone else's penis inside my girlfriend/wife would make me seriously throw up. I guess some people just are wired differently in the way they see these things.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'm pretty new here, and have never been an ow or the BS, and I wasn't talking about the compartmentalized little world in this forum, rather real life experience in my city, with people I know. They don't wear the proverbial scarlet A, but people sure do talk about them behind their back. So, you may think people don't talk and don't care, and they smile and are social with you, but trust me, someone is yapping it up. Again, not that I think you should or do care.

 

Anybody who "yaps it up" does so not because I had an affair, but because they're gossips. If I didn't have an affair for them to talk about, they'd say that I gained weight, that I have a bad relationship with my mother, that I drown kittens and say I'm vegan when I'm not. And when they're not talking about me and my affair (which is an easy target for a gossip who thrives on gossip that gives drama... It makes them feel important), they're talking about you, your neighbor, and your worst enemy and everybody in between as long as the attention is on them and their gossip.

 

It has nothing to do with me and my affair, it has to do with them. When people realize there's surprisingly little to gossip over on an affair, they move on to meatier topics. If they don't, they're not only gossips, but terrible gossips.

 

Like I said, normal, adult people tend to focus their time and energy on their own business, not stuff like this, especially years down the road. Most people simply don't care. And you're right, I'm not bothered by people who act like they're still in high school and yammer on about what I do. Honestly, it's kind of flattering to think that somebody would rely on me to be that camouflage to their inability to otherwise present themselves as mature adults.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Lurkeraspect]

What you deem "normal people" is up for debate. I'm just sharing my 50 years of experience, in real life, where affairs were known, with educated or uneducated people. I'm not talking about gossiping about your weight. I'm talking about character, and as much as you want to push back...people will and do discuss, and make judgements. It's human nature. It happens whether you want to believe it or not. We can agree to disagree.

[Redheaded Mistress]

What you deem "normal people" is up for debate. I'm just sharing my 50 years of experience, in real life, where affairs were known, with educated or uneducated people. I'm not talking about gossiping about your weight. I'm talking about character, and as much as you want to push back...people will and do discuss, and make judgements. It's human nature. It happens whether you want to believe it or not. We can agree to disagree.

 

Granted I'm 20 years younger, but I know absolutely nobody my age who sits around and rehashes things people did years prior. I know younger people who fixate on this stuff, drama llamas who like to gossip, things like that... But none of my peers, friends or not, talk about or gossip about stuff like this for years. Everybody is focused on work, family stories, hobbies, events... Stuff like that. Nobody talks about who is or isn't a good person based on years old news that doesn't involve them. Maybe it's just the people I hang with are different than the ones you hang with. We generally shut out the troublemakers and gossips.

 

People who are judgemental about others based on years old dirt they find on somebody, then sit and "discuss it" with others... It says more about them than anything else. There will always be judgmental gossips, doesn't mean their representative of the whole. Just other people who enjoy being judgmental and gossiping.

 

Even thinking of when I spend time with my mother and her social circle, even they don't sit and chat about other people and their life's gossip. Marriages, babies, engagements, divorces when they happen, but not years later.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[NJ123]

Granted I'm 20 years younger, but I know absolutely nobody my age who sits around and rehashes things people did years prior. I know younger people who fixate on this stuff, drama llamas who like to gossip, things like that... But none of my peers, friends or not, talk about or gossip about stuff like this for years. Everybody is focused on work, family stories, hobbies, events... Stuff like that. Nobody talks about who is or isn't a good person based on years old news that doesn't involve them. Maybe it's just the people I hang with are different than the ones you hang with. We generally shut out the troublemakers and gossips.

 

People who are judgemental about others based on years old dirt they find on somebody, then sit and "discuss it" with others... It says more about them than anything else. There will always be judgmental gossips, doesn't mean their representative of the whole. Just other people who enjoy being judgmental and gossiping.

 

Even thinking of when I spend time with my mother and her social circle, even they don't sit and chat about other people and their life's gossip. Marriages, babies, engagements, divorces when they happen, but not years later.

 

Okay, but why are you trying to justify that it makes it okay to do such despicable behavior? Why do you want to have such low morals & character? Do you feel okay having affairs & just because others don't talk about it according you, does that make it any less worse? I just don't understand what your trying to get at here.

[Sassy Girl]

Granted I'm 20 years younger, but I know absolutely nobody my age who sits around and rehashes things people did years prior. I know younger people who fixate on this stuff, drama llamas who like to gossip, things like that... But none of my peers, friends or not, talk about or gossip about stuff like this for years. Everybody is focused on work, family stories, hobbies, events... Stuff like that. Nobody talks about who is or isn't a good person based on years old news that doesn't involve them. Maybe it's just the people I hang with are different than the ones you hang with. We generally shut out the troublemakers and gossips.

 

People who are judgemental about others based on years old dirt they find on somebody, then sit and "discuss it" with others... It says more about them than anything else. There will always be judgmental gossips, doesn't mean their representative of the whole. Just other people who enjoy being judgmental and gossiping.

 

Even thinking of when I spend time with my mother and her social circle, even they don't sit and chat about other people and their life's gossip. Marriages, babies, engagements, divorces when they happen, but not years later.

With all due respect, you don't know what they say when you are not around...

 

The truth is, no one ever forgets. Ever. They talk about it - just not to you.

 

 

My family is absolutely riddled with infidelity.... no one ever forgets

[dichotomy]

I absolutely agree. However its not that simple. No one gets married thinking "I think I wll be an unfaithful spouse". Life happens, we make poor decisions.

 

 

Some do, but maybe they can't see it that way. My wife carried an EA (from previous PA with MM) into our marriage, but could not accept what she was doing was unfaithful until we got into therapy.

 

I think people sometimes have a hard time accepting and being accountable...they like to take it easy on themselves. Oh - what I am doing is not really that bad, unfaithful, and I still "love" my BS while doing it.

 

and then there is the flip side - the character disordered who know exactly what their doing - but don't care since it is cake eating. Since society is less likely to brand someone as a slut/cheater/adulterer these days - and this is less likely to carry real word repercussions - it is all the better for character disordered individuals to carry on. I think in days gone by (long ago) being found cheating in your town or group could carry huge penalties..that is no longer the case.

Edited November 3, 2014 by dichotomy

[Lurkeraspect]

Granted I'm 20 years younger, but I know absolutely nobody my age who sits around and rehashes things people did years prior. I know younger people who fixate on this stuff, drama llamas who like to gossip, things like that... But none of my peers, friends or not, talk about or gossip about stuff like this for years. Everybody is focused on work, family stories, hobbies, events... Stuff like that. Nobody talks about who is or isn't a good person based on years old news that doesn't involve them. Maybe it's just the people I hang with are different than the ones you hang with. We generally shut out the troublemakers and gossips.

 

People who are judgemental about others based on years old dirt they find on somebody, then sit and "discuss it" with others... It says more about them than anything else. There will always be judgmental gossips, doesn't mean their representative of the whole. Just other people who enjoy being judgmental and gossiping.

 

Even thinking of when I spend time with my mother and her social circle, even they don't sit and chat about other people and

 

Deleted...

Edited November 3, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[Toodaloo]

I personally think that affairs are very dangerous. For all involved.

 

I have seen relationships destroyed and also relationships become much stronger because of affairs.

 

I have not yet seen a man leave his wife for OW. Although I am aware that there are rare occasions when it does happen.

 

In many cases I think people need to be very careful with what they say and to whom. Entire lives can be destroyed very quickly by gossip and lose tongues wagging... Gossiping is not great behavior. If truth be know I think that does more damage than people who make the mistake of getting involved in an affair.

 

While I think OW are foolish in many respects for allowing themselves to be used, I am not going to judge what I don't know. We can all be foolish regardless of age, sensibilities and marital status. Anyone, given the right set of circumstances can make mistakes and find themselves in something that they can't get out of.

 

I don't know the people involved in the situations OP describes I can only make judgement on the information to hand and try to advise what I believe is the best course of action. In this case its do not judge these men and women. Instead help to support them to get out of it and away. Calling people sluts and engaging in "slut shaming" is really unproductive and a bit vile.

[dichotomy]

While I think OW are foolish in many respects for allowing themselves to be used, I am not going to judge what I don't know.

 

 

Assuming OW is not the user. I don't like to assume who is who in affairs, but I see a lot of selfish behavior on both sides in many stories. But it does vary.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Okay, but why are you trying to justify that it makes it okay to do such despicable behavior? Why do you want to have such low morals & character? Do you feel okay having affairs & just because others don't talk about it according you, does that make it any less worse? I just don't understand what your trying to get at here.

 

The only point I'm trying to make is that while it's the center of people's discussion here, it's not the center of people's reality off of here. People care and gossip while it's happening, but years later, lots of people don't know, don't remember, and just don't care.

 

When I had my affair (singular, just one), public opinion supporting or not supporting my affair didn't matter to me. It didn't involve the public, just me, m husband, my AP, and his wife. The world could have thought it was great, the world could have thought it wasn't... That didn't influence me one way or the other.

 

That all ties to my original point to the original question... People conduct themselves in affairs according to their wants, interests, and feelings and not to avoid "slut shaming" from the public. People in affairs don't generally care what the opinion of the general public is, and the general public isn't as wrapped up in this as you are. It may be the center of your world, it's not the center of their worlds.

 

We can go to the other extreme, pretend that the affair was because we were awful people who have low morals and low character, and the whole world could have been saying that... They could still be saying that. It wouldn't have influenced the affair one way or the other. I know the details, they don't, I know neither I or my AP are awful people with low morals and character, it's my relationship during and post affair, it involves me, not them, so who cares what they do or don't think?

[Redheaded Mistress]

With all due respect, you don't know what they say when you are not around...

 

The truth is, no one ever forgets. Ever. They talk about it - just not to you.

 

My family is absolutely riddled with infidelity.... no one ever forgets

 

Your family may not forget, but people around you? They forget. They don't care after awhile. Like I said, it's the center of your life, not theirs. It's a bit self-centered to think that people talk about something you did for years upon years.

 

Sure, I don't know what they say when I'm not around... But I do know what people say about others and their affairs. And they don't say much, those that even know or remember.

 

A guy who my husband works with as a superior had a messy, messy affair with the workplace floozy, a woman who even though she hasn't been around for a decade still lives in infamy for the things she did at work. He was ready to leave his wife, even helped his OW move. Was seen all around town with her and her kids. We were all certain even his wife knew. It all ended when his wife got pregnant and he dumped OW to be around for his pregnant wife. Huge friggen drama. Fights at work, damaged cars, hysterical tears and screaming matches in front of clients and customers, definite bunny boiler stuff. This OW even went out-of-her-way to put herself in front of her exMM's pregnant wife, assisting her when she came to work to see her husband, even taking her on as a client.

 

People talked up, down, left, right, and center when it happened. But I'd say about a year after it all happened and stuff settled down, nobody talked anymore. After a few years, he had another child, she ended up getting fired for unrelated stuff, and absolutely anybody talks about it anymore. Most people don't even know.

 

I find it difficult-to-impossible to believe that people don't talk about that, don't remember that, and nobody hears word one about that, but they all come together to still gossip about my affair. That they ignore the other affairs that have happened since because there's nothing to talk about anymore, but my affair is the center of people's discussions.

 

Even my husband's family, who took years to forgive the affair, doesn't talk about it anymore. They didn't forget, but they sure as heck don't care anymore. People don't hang on to this stuff in the real world like they do here. Everybody moves on at some point.

 

The only people I know still talk about it are his ex-wife and a handful of her friends. She because she hasn't moved on yet, them because they're "friends" who enjoy the drama and gossip. Nobody else cares. Everybody just has better things to do and talk about.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[gettingstronger]

With all due respect, you don't know what they say when you are not around...

 

The truth is, no one ever forgets. Ever. They talk about it - just not to you.

 

 

My family is absolutely riddled with infidelity.... no one ever forgets

 

 

Agreed! No matter how much people wish it weren't true, no matter how many hours they spend on forums denying it, no matter how many verbose posts are written to the contrary-its true.

 

I wish it were not, I wish that I had the confidence that if people found out about my husbands A it would be no big deal, that it would not be something always associated with us, but its just not the case.

 

We have a large, diverse group of friends-our experiences and choices are part of who we are-good, bad and otherwise-where they grew up, where they went to school, where they lived previously, even infidelity-its part of who they are and how they are viewed or remembered-it just is-

[JustJoe]

The only point I'm trying to make is that while it's the center of people's discussion here, it's not the center of people's reality off of here. People care and gossip while it's happening, but years later, lots of people don't know, don't remember, and just don't care.

 

When I had my affair (singular, just one), public opinion supporting or not supporting my affair didn't matter to me. It didn't involve the public, just me, m husband, my AP, and his wife. The world could have thought it was great, the world could have thought it wasn't... That didn't influence me one way or the other.

 

That all ties to my original point to the original question... People conduct themselves in affairs according to their wants, interests, and feelings and not to avoid "slut shaming" from the public. People in affairs don't generally care what the opinion of the general public is, and the general public isn't as wrapped up in this as you are. It may be the center of your world, it's not the center of their worlds.

 

We can go to the other extreme, pretend that the affair was because we were awful people who have low morals and low character, and the whole world could have been saying that... They could still be saying that. It wouldn't have influenced the affair one way or the other. I know the details, they don't, I know neither I or my AP are awful people with low morals and character, it's my relationship during and post affair, it involves me, not them, so who cares what they do or don't think?

Sorry, but I disagree. If the persons involved in an affair did not care about how it is perceived, then it wouldn't be a secret, would it? Remember, you are not only trying to keep it hidden from the spouses, but from everybody else that you know. Why...because you don't want to have it effect you negatively.

[Toodaloo]

Assuming OW is not the user. I don't like to assume who is who in affairs, but I see a lot of selfish behavior on both sides in many stories. But it does vary.

 

You see a lot of selfish behaviour all over the place these days... Its all a variation on the same theme.

[dichotomy]

You see a lot of selfish behaviour all over the place these days... Its all a variation on the same theme.

 

 

Ya I agree. Case in point as we worked though my wifes affair (pre and post me being in her life) she finally got to some perspective when she said "OM was a worm and used me"...to which I replied "yes he did, but you also used him"....that's when the "Deer in the headlights" look came over her face. He was as much her play thing and daddy issues older man, as she was his young play thing. They used each other, but she had to not place the "user" label on just him to make herself the victim.

[Got it]

Sorry, but I disagree. If the persons involved in an affair did not care about how it is perceived, then it wouldn't be a secret, would it? Remember, you are not only trying to keep it hidden from the spouses, but from everybody else that you know. Why...because you don't want to have it effect you negatively.

 

Nope. Who says that everyone keeps it hidden?

[Got it]

With all due respect, you don't know what they say when you are not around...

 

The truth is, no one ever forgets. Ever. They talk about it - just not to you.

 

 

My family is absolutely riddled with infidelity.... no one ever forgets

 

 

Agreed! No matter how much people wish it weren't true, no matter how many hours they spend on forums denying it, no matter how many verbose posts are written to the contrary-its true.

 

I wish it were not, I wish that I had the confidence that if people found out about my husbands A it would be no big deal, that it would not be something always associated with us, but its just not the case.

 

We have a large, diverse group of friends-our experiences and choices are part of who we are-good, bad and otherwise-where they grew up, where they went to school, where they lived previously, even infidelity-its part of who they are and how they are viewed or remembered-it just is-

 

At some point it really becomes old news.

 

And I think we need clarification about "talking". My affair became quite public knowledge at the tail end of it. Did people talk? Sure! Does it have any impact on my day to day existence, impact my earning potential, upward mobility, ability to lead teams, execute initiatives, or influence the company? No.

 

If someone feels a need to discuss me, have at it. Apparently my life is far more exciting or I guess I make the person feel better about themselves. Joe Schmo's opinion of me matters to me as little as what a random internet person says. I own the good and the bad of myself and I reconcile things with myself and my loved ones. Outside of that has no barriers on my life.

 

People are ALWAYS going to talk, we never fully evolve from high school anyway and there is always the joy of gossip. But I have found, most of the people gossiping either have nothing going on their lives or are the biggest hypocrites around. I have seen, and we have seen this a lot in the political realm, absolutely lambast one person for something and then it comes out they are guilty of the same or worse! Please. Never had time for gossip as a high schooler or today. And couldn't care less what is being said about me.

 

So maybe people do talk. Okay. But what do they matter? Why should they matter? What impact does that honestly have on my life?None.

[NJ123]

The only point I'm trying to make is that while it's the center of people's discussion here, it's not the center of people's reality off of here. People care and gossip while it's happening, but years later, lots of people don't know, don't remember, and just don't care.

 

When I had my affair (singular, just one), public opinion supporting or not supporting my affair didn't matter to me. It didn't involve the public, just me, m husband, my AP, and his wife. The world could have thought it was great, the world could have thought it wasn't... That didn't influence me one way or the other.

 

That all ties to my original point to the original question... People conduct themselves in affairs according to their wants, interests, and feelings and not to avoid "slut shaming" from the public. People in affairs don't generally care what the opinion of the general public is, and the general public isn't as wrapped up in this as you are. It may be the center of your world, it's not the center of their worlds.

 

We can go to the other extreme, pretend that the affair was because we were awful people who have low morals and low character, and the whole world could have been saying that... They could still be saying that. It wouldn't have influenced the affair one way or the other. I know the details, they don't, I know neither I or my AP are awful people with low morals and character, it's my relationship during and post affair, it involves me, not them, so who cares what they do or don't think?

 

 

Someone else made a good point. Why keep it a secret then? This is what I mean. Everyone who has affairs ALWAYS has some excuse for their behavior. Every single one. Why can't you just admit what you did was wrong instead of trying to justify it in some messed up way. Trying to say people don't care about it. But people who do have affairs do care what others think if you don't want anyone to find out about it until you or whomever get caught eventually.

[Got it]

Someone else made a good point. Why keep it a secret then? This is what I mean. Everyone who has affairs ALWAYS has some excuse for their behavior. Every single one. Why can't you just admit what you did was wrong instead of trying to justify it in some messed up way. Trying to say people don't care about it. But people who do have affairs do care what others think if you don't want anyone to find out about it until you or whomever get caught eventually.

 

Well, yes, it only makes sense if you would like to keep an affair going so usually not having the spouse find out is rule number 1, secrecy in that regard is just matter of course. That doesn't have anything to do with opinions, it is just a logistical hurdle.

 

Secrecy and caring about random opinions are two separate things. Some times people don't want others to know. Sometimes people do care that their image is tainted. Some people do care. Some people don't.

 

And when the secrecy happens is going to vary as well. Caring about people knowing in the midst of it and caring years later are also two separate things.

[gettingstronger]

What impact does that honestly have on my life?None.

 

 

I am wondering then why spend so much time on these boards claiming its meaningless to your life-I feel like some place inside it does hold meaning because you sure spend a lot of time making sure total strangers know its meaningless to you-

 

Point being- I guess, my hope for all of us is that at some point infidelity and all its messiness becomes such a part of our past that we no longer have the need to spend so much time discussing it, so much of our time thinking about it, etc... LS has helped me tremendously but I look forward to the day when its no longer something I need to discuss-a day when I am "all better" whatever that means-

[NJ123]

Well, yes, it only makes sense if you would like to keep an affair going so usually not having the spouse find out is rule number 1, secrecy in that regard is just matter of course. That doesn't have anything to do with opinions, it is just a logistical hurdle.

 

Secrecy and caring about random opinions are two separate things. Some times people don't want others to know. Sometimes people do care that their image is tainted. Some people do care. Some people don't.

 

And when the secrecy happens is going to vary as well. Caring about people knowing in the midst of it and caring years later are also two separate things.

 

The people who don't care are the ones with low morals & character. Those people are the ones who will keep repeating the same behavior over & over if they don't care what others think about what their doing. Who wants to be viewed in such a negative way? Word will get around to relatives & such if your in a long marriage than it all of a sudden ends. They'll wonder why, and it'll come out sooner or later. Would you want your ex wife/husband's family who you've known for years know your some slut that sleeps around?

 

And there's no doubt people will talk about it even if you don't think they do. How would the affair person know what people are saying about them when their not around? When their around other people obviously it won't be brought up. Maybe years later it won't be brought up, but those people will have it in the back of their minds, and will always know what you did.