Jamesa1019 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 First I will share my ex and I's history. I met her after an 8 year relationship of mine ended. I was single for about 6 months. She is 25 with a five year old daughter I adore. I just turned 31 with no children. She lives with her mother, always has. Her mom takes a considerable amount of raising my ex's daughter. I have lived on my own for 11 years now, with my first ex and alone. We had been together for 2 years (my current ex). The last 8 months we had been looking for a house and finally found one and purchased it together a month ago. We both laid down $15k apiece and got a great house/mortgage. She recently got hired at the company I work for as an IT technician. The day we closed on the house I immediately started packing (since I have 11 years worth of stuff) and cleaning and painting the house with our mothers. She was not very involved in prepping the house for us to move into in a hurry which was fine because moving my stuff would take awhile! So 3 weeks after closing on the house we got into an argument on a Saturday about how I wanted to get the ball rolling on moving in together because my house I own needs updated to make for a rental property. She dumped me the following day. She said I stopped expressing my emotions and love towards her and never brought her up when she was down and the fact that I had (in the past) threatened to leave her she said it wasn't going to work out. I am already moved in by this time and she just makes a snap decision to break up. I did not see this coming at all and neither did any of our family members or mutual friends. So I now have the daunting task to renovate my house, and refinance this house into my name and pay her back the down payment she put up. She's in no hurry to get her money back, and offered to pay closing costs. I know she's young, and I honestly want to believe she just got cold feet and realized she would be the main provider for her daughter now that grandma won't be living with us. I confronted her on that subject, and she of course denied that, as she denied seeing someone else as she will be "focusing on her daughter". At first I did all the wrong things, I demanded a better explanation for her decision, and begged her to work things out with me. I talked to her 12 days ago and asked if a break would be considered rather than a break-up and she didn't say no. She actually cried for the first time showing her emotions she was hiding. She acted very cold and spiteful to me prior to this conversation. I've yet to contact her since the phone call. While I'm open to talking about this with family and close friends, she refused to tell anyone but her mother. I've asked for items I purchased to be returned with the set of keys in her free time and she has yet to deliver it to me. It seems as though she is holding on to this stuff because it's the last thing keeping us "together". I would just like your opinion on the situation and advice on how to get her back if I should. I do love her and was looking forward to starting a life with her and her daughter and possibly get engaged within the next year.
veggirl Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Why the hell would you buy a house with someone you aren't married to? Why don't you stay in your old house and let her buy you out on the new one? Why would you take on a 2nd house payment all by yourself?
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 My house is paid for. So I don't have two payments, not that it makes it any easier. She wasn't interested in buying the home on her own and if I didn't tell her I would buy it we would have to try and sell it, plus I've already settled into the new house. As for marriage, you're right. I made a mistake, we were talking about marriage but I thought we should at least try and live together before we got married. Sounds dumb and like I was not committed I know, but I was. Everything seemed great until the argument we had. I'm sure it was building up inside her, but she had ample time to back out before we closed on the house and she didn't. That's why I am confused. There was nothing that happened from the time we closed to the break up other than that argument. And it was not even a very terrible fight.
Snaggletooth Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) Plenty of people buy a place without being married, it really doesn't change much, someone can back down on their word and leave you in the lurch at any time. For what it's worth my ex did the same to me shortly after I mortgaged myself up to buy another place. A doer upper that needed a load of renovating. Simple project with two, lot of hard work alone. It's rotten behavior, if someone has doubts they should let them be known before allowing someone to commit to a major life changing and financial decision. To someone with some honour, integrity and a sense of responsibility it will be difficult to ever understand why they act as they do. If I were you I wouldn't waste too much time trying to understand, I would focus on playing the hand she has dealt you and turn it into profitable one. Renovating your old place will help take you mind off things and give you the option to rent it out to pay for the other. Live your life, don't wait for someone who has proven not entirely trustworthy, if she changes her mind about anything you can deal with it as it arises. Edited November 2, 2014 by Snaggletooth 1
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Thanks for the advice Snaggle. I'm sorry to hear similar things happened to you. A lot of people do buy houses without being married I agree. We had definitely talked about marriage, I just wasn't ready to pull the trigger at the time. We both just finished school and I've always had a great job, where I helped get her hired in the office! It's awkward seeing her now, and people are talking of course (mainly because I confided in several people while she just ignored the whole thing like it didn't happen). As far as my rental goes, I just dwell on the fact that there was going to be 2 incomes coming in at OUR house and how much easier financially it would have been to fix my rental and update the small things here. And all of that is nothing compared to the loss of her and her daughter which I treated like gold. That little girl loved me more than her own father. I took the biggest step in my life (other than marriage) by committing to her in buying this house. We work different hours and only spent time on the weekends, which I know made it tough on our communication and affection towards one another. I just wish she would give me the TOTAL truth for her decision so I can move on or give me some information on what it is that we could have done to make things work. We love each other, get along good and were a good match. Things got crazy over the last 2 months I'll admit with all the stress of contacting banks, lawyers, insurance companies and utilities (of which I did 90% of the leg work). We are both financially stable (well I WAS) and I know her responsibility attributes needed some work but thought that once we were all together and a family all of that would work itself out. I just feel like a piece of trash she through away because she got scared at the last minute. Thanks again for your advice and comments. Talking about this helps me, while she just wants to shell up and hold it all in!
lawbstar Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Although I am only 19 years old, I feel like we are in similar situations Jamesa. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me a little over two weeks ago. My friends, her sister, and I did not see it coming at all. We have had a rough month or two before she broke up with me because I was really busy with work and school at the time, so we did not see each other as often as we usually did. However, I still went to see her 3 times a week. Then, out of nowhere, she does not talk to me for a week, and when she does, she breaks up with me. I do not understand why she broke up with me either, but sometimes, it is better not to think about why they did. In the end, my ex told me things like she still loves me, that this may not be the end forever, and that we may see each other soon. I did hold onto these things for awhile because they gave me hope, but I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is just to focus on yourself and what to do with your house. I felt like I was just a piece of trash that she threw away too, but it sounds like you tried your best the same way I did. Then, that's her loss because she is throwing away a wonderful person. 1
mammasita Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Why the hell would you buy a house with someone you aren't married to? Why don't you stay in your old house and let her buy you out on the new one? Why would you take on a 2nd house payment all by yourself? EXACTLY!!!!!! Plus the fact that she zero experience being on her own living at home with mommy. Plenty of people buy a place without being married, it really doesn't change much, someone can back down on their word and leave you in the lurch at any time. Sure it doesn't change much when you look at the fact that **** happens.......but When it comes to managing your credit.....would you rather have your credit/mortgage tied to someone you've already made a lifetime commitment (i.e. A marriage contract) to, or just a BF/GF who may or may not impact your credit in a major negative way.
lil_lionwoman Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 It sounds like this girl and her daughter mean a lot to you. I'm not going to go through and try and guess at what your girlfriend is feeling, because it would all be conjecture. I think guys place too much importance on knowing what's going on in their girl friends head, because half of the time we don't know either. Trust me she feels guilty for what she did and that makes it harder for her to talk to you about her feelings because she expects your response to be resentment. Unfortunately it seems as though she requires distance from you. But when giving her distance make it clear that it's because you believe that's what she wants not because it's what you want. Girls can get that sort of thing twisted.. You know what I mean. I'd simply sit down and have a talk with her, don't do ultimatums that'll only start arguments. Just say something along the lines... "I understand I may have done some things..." "I understand you're going through some things..." "I may not know what they are and you may not want to tell me... but that's ok" "I'll wait, I'll give you your space." Even if you don't know what she's going through that would make her get cold feet so quickly, just letting her know that you understand that she's going though something that's keeping her from committing will mean the world. Let her know that you love her and her daughter and that her actions haven't prevented a future relationship. Sometimes a girl might close up because she perceives that she has already ruined her chances, so she builds a wall around her feelings. Letting her know that doors open might help her be more open to you (eventually) about whatever it is she's thinking. She actually cried for the first time showing her emotions she was hiding. She acted very cold and spiteful to me prior to this conversation. I think the fact that your gf did this proves there's still feelings there, you're just gonna have to wait it out buddy, and be as supportive and un-resentful as you can. 1
Snaggletooth Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Thanks for the advice Snaggle. I'm sorry to hear similar things happened to you. A lot of people do buy houses without being married I agree. We had definitely talked about marriage, I just wasn't ready to pull the trigger at the time. We both just finished school and I've always had a great job, where I helped get her hired in the office! It's awkward seeing her now, and people are talking of course (mainly because I confided in several people while she just ignored the whole thing like it didn't happen). As far as my rental goes, I just dwell on the fact that there was going to be 2 incomes coming in at OUR house and how much easier financially it would have been to fix my rental and update the small things here. And all of that is nothing compared to the loss of her and her daughter which I treated like gold. That little girl loved me more than her own father. I took the biggest step in my life (other than marriage) by committing to her in buying this house. We work different hours and only spent time on the weekends, which I know made it tough on our communication and affection towards one another. I just wish she would give me the TOTAL truth for her decision so I can move on or give me some information on what it is that we could have done to make things work. We love each other, get along good and were a good match. Things got crazy over the last 2 months I'll admit with all the stress of contacting banks, lawyers, insurance companies and utilities (of which I did 90% of the leg work). We are both financially stable (well I WAS) and I know her responsibility attributes needed some work but thought that once we were all together and a family all of that would work itself out. I just feel like a piece of trash she through away because she got scared at the last minute. Thanks again for your advice and comments. Talking about this helps me, while she just wants to shell up and hold it all in! It's tough, I know. Your hopes and dreams have been smashed, the girls you love gone, the biggest choice and commitment of your life tossed aside as if it was nothing, and left with the workload and debt of two to deal with alone. It isn't much fun and you want to make some sense of it. Truth is, you are likely never going to get the truth. There's been a lack of respect, consideration and appreciation towards you that will likely continue unless she has a change of heart. Talk, grumble, get it off your chest, look forward as much as possible, stay busy, keep working towards turning a bum deal into a good one. Time passes, things get better. Don't let it beat you, don't let it change you.
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Sorry to hear that Lawbstar. Thanks for the motivational advice. I was very busy for those last two months also just like you said, I know there is a more deep seeded reason for her leaving, but I feel it manifested in those two months of little contact due to all of the work buying house takes, not to mention I was hurt at work in August and have literally had doctor appointments and physical therapy 4 days a week before work! I will give her credit though, the night I was hurt 2 months ago she was there at the hospital, took off Friday and took care of me like a baby the whole weekend. Which makes me wonder, how the hell do you show so much love and care for 3 straight days, then one day just drop off the grid? Anyways I actually just got back from the rental house after doing some painting and cleaning having help from my mother. If it wasn't for my family I don't know what I would be doing. I walked out the rental house a little more happy today, knowing soon enough I will have someone in there and be able to level off my finance issues. It's terrible going from paying ALL bills with half of one paycheck, to literally not spend a penny on something because I now have literally 9 more bills and a mountain of debt! 1
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Unfortunately it seems as though she requires distance from you. But when giving her distance make it clear that it's because you believe that's what she wants not because it's what you want. Girls can get that sort of thing twisted.. You know what I mean. I'm still figuring out how to reply to individuals, forgive me if I appear to be disorganized! lol I totally understand what you are saying Lion. I made it clear 2 weeks ago on the phone how much I love her and her daughter, and that I respect her decision and suggested a "break" (where I would give her the space she wants) so we can both work on ourselves and maybe reconcile in a month or 2 or however long it takes. I know she still loves me and cares for me. And Yes MAMA I knew going into the situation she had little experience in the REAL WORLD. But being the man I am, I figured I would have been a great asset to her and her daughter and help her cope into REAL WORLD LIVING. As for the marriage situation, things are different in today's society. Just because you marry someone does not guarantee a successful marriage. A marriage is the same as BF/GF except for the legal stuff. If purchasing a house with her, moving out of my comfort zone from the country to the city was not enough of a commitment I can't begin to understand what would show more commitment, other than that piece of paper. We talked of marriage, and I never flat out said "Heck no! Never!". The timing was not good as the last two years we were both in school, and then she finally landed a great job, unfortunately it happened to be at my place of employment which puts a whole new spin on the awkwardness. Though we work different shifts and only overlap 3 hours a day we still see each other's vehicles, and each other inside the plant.
lil_lionwoman Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Good to hear that you did that, hope it all goes well for you and her... I see you're not familiar with this site. To reply to a specific post click on the quill at the rightmost corner at the bottom of that person's post. When you hover over it it should say "Quick reply to this message." In order to quote text from another person's text just copy and paste into the reply space. Then highlight the text and hit the yellow text bubble at the end of the message reply menu. This will format the text correctly once it has been posted
Author Jamesa1019 Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 This will format the text correctly once it has been posted Ha! I think I figured it out Lion. Thanks for that! 1
tobrieornottobrie Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time. That's a really difficult situation to be in. Have you considered maybe trying to find a counselor or therapist to talk through some of this stuff? Just a thought. I hope it gets better for you, friend. Best of luck! ~ the brie's cheese knees ~
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