Author mikimeow Posted March 16, 2005 Author Posted March 16, 2005 Thanks so much everyone for such valuable feedback and opinion. After reading all of the postings... My brain tells me: "Trust him, it is all just a way for him to "release/relieve" his stress while he travels." ...but... My heart tells me: "your heart is in pain because you've been brought up in an environment where husbands and wives should only reserve themselves for each other when it comes to making love" I mean, I guess, now my biggest concern is, where do we set the boundary, what if it becomes more than viewing porn, for example, what if he starts doing stuff that involves real human interaction like phone sex, internet chatting...etc...I mean, that is just something that I cannot bare. I mean, how would he feel if he found out I've been chatting and masturbating with someone online through chatting, or I call a 900 sex line and masturbate while talking to someone...I mean, should I be okay and accept that too? I hear so many cases where the guy starts off with just looking at porn/pictures, but then it progresses into a bigger issue (addiction)...what then? How do I keep that from happening to our marriage?
moimeme Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 what if he starts doing stuff that involves real human interaction like phone sex, internet chatting...etc...I mean, that is just something that I cannot bare. I mean, how would he feel if he found out I've been chatting and masturbating with someone online through chatting, or I call a 900 sex line and masturbate while talking to someone...I mean, should I be okay and accept that too Viewing porn is entirely different from personal involvement. Looking at porn is not interacting with another person - it's observing an act which took place earlier and which you had no part in. Chatting online, phone sex, etc. are interacting real-time with other live humans. Totally different thing. I hear so many cases where the guy starts off with just looking at porn/pictures, but then it progresses into a bigger issue (addiction)...what then? How do I keep that from happening to our marriage? Does he have an addictive personality? Is there anything else he's ever gotten 'hooked' on? The science says some people are more vulnerable to the cravings for dopamine that are part of addiction. If he's had problems with smoking or overeating or gambling or online gaming, then maybe he's at risk of becoming addicted, but it's unlikely. Have a discussion with him. Set limits. Agree about what you'd both consider to be addiction. Certainly if his porn use took up time which should be spent with you or prevented him from being able to have sex with you it's a problem. However most guys use porn when the wife isn't available or sometimes if the relationship is in trouble. Some will use it to 'make up' the gap if the spouse wants sex much less often than he does. And if you don't treat him like a criminal for wanting porn, you'll find a very grateful man on your hands. A few women who posted with this problem (whose husbands were not addicted) tried negotiating compromises with their husbands and ended up very happy with the results.
CountZero Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 He should get some serious help before you choose to marry him. Make no mistake, the porn he is "Using" will not decrease. It will increase and he will begin to hide it from you if he knows its upsetting to you. At best this addiction will create in him a double life. He will have a secret life apart from you, that if he has any conscious at all will lead to guilt, which can lead to anger, and other problems. At worst, he will get deeper into a pit of pornography that will lead to wanting more than pictures or videos. Imagine how you would feel years from now. How can you compete with these young porn stars hes looking at every day, when you are say 40 or 50? You will be hurt by this again and again if he does not quit it. He needs to quit using porn for you. He must value you enough to make that commitment. If he does not, then you should move on. You are right to state that sex is something the two of you should share - exclusively. The intimacy of your love will be double or triple when he returns from a trip- but only if he has a little self control and waits for you. There are lots of good books, but the best is a group of men that will hold each other accountable.
moimeme Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Oh for Pete's sakes. Men have been buying Playboys and Hustlers since they existed and people didn't go on about Imagine how you would feel years from now. How can you compete with these young porn stars hes looking at every day, when you are say 40 or 50? You will be hurt by this again and again if he does not quit it Maybe women of past generations were a heckuva lot more sensible.
Nicholas Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 If your relationship is based on out-looking other women, I don't see why marriage would even be in the realm of discussion. The key to a successful marriage is not hiding your husband from other women.
mymojo Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 You aren't even married and already he's "too tired" to have sex with you at a frequency rate that's acceptable to you. That isn't going to get any better, how will you feel about that once you hit your sexual prime and he's even less interested in touching you?
Stacy8 Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 All men enjoy porn, and women too. You're just giong to have to get a touch more realistic here. But, I do have advice... give him pictures of yourself naked. He will probably on occasion substitute the porn for your pics.. that's what mine does.. Sometimes the thought of him watching porn really hurts me.. but then I think about when I watch it myself.. and I realize half the time I'm pretendign the people in the video are HIM and ME. So, just bc he's watching porn don't think he's not thinking about you in some way or another.
StacyRose Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 All men enjoy porn, and women too. You're just giong to have to get a touch more realistic here. But, I do have advice... give him pictures of yourself naked. He will probably on occasion substitute the porn for your pics.. that's what mine does.. Sometimes the thought of him watching porn really hurts me.. but then I think about when I watch it myself.. and I realize half the time I'm pretendign the people in the video are HIM and ME. So, just bc he's watching porn don't think he's not thinking about you in some way or another.
jazzed Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 They say that the average amount to be spent on an engagement ring should be 3-5x his monthly salary. After all it is a lifetime investment if you take 50 year of 600 months and devide it into the cost of the ring it really is very little that it cost per month or better yet per day 600 x 356. As long as he is serious about spending the rest of his life with you and if he is asking you to marry him then he should be willing to invest a a few cents a day for the rest of his life as long as it doesn't put him in debt or hardship now. .13 is not an engagement ring it is barely a high school promise ring. I would have been a little insulted and upset myself. I would rather wait until he could save and get something he could be proud of too. 50% of all women wish their engagement rings were bigger. I would think he would have wanted to get you something as great as he could. Now you might ask him, if there is a reason he doesn't want to spend anymore money? Maybe he wants to show you that he is commited to you and wants to spend his life with you, but there are circumstances you are not aware of, in which case you should find out what they are. You might also talk to him about trading up, some stores offer this option, or if he is unwilling to spend more and you want a bigger diamond and you still want him, tell him he can commit the amount he is willing to put in and you will finace the other portion to get the diamond you want, non-traditional , but the world is changing. I do understand, I would be slightly hurt too, especially now, that he no longer seems interested in marriage at all. You need to be able to communicate the truth to each other even if it hurts the other person, it would be much worse for you to pretend you loved it and spend forever resenting a chip and getting a chip on your shoulder about it.
LittleMiss Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 You should read Monday's posts about her troubles with porn in her Marriage. If your man is anything like hers then you might want to think twice about getting into a life-long commitment with him.
Grinning Maniac Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 50% of all women wish their engagement rings were bigger. Wow. That's fascinating. On a completely unrelated note, I have some interesting statistics of my own: 100% of those women are ungreatful, shallow, materialistic airheads. "Boo-hoo-hoo...my diamond isn't BIG enough!" *pout* Cry me a river, you stupid broads. There are women living in backalleys around the world; sucking dicks for change and digging through dumpsters for half-eaten fruit... and you're getting in a hissy fit, because the diamond THAT YOU GOT FOR FREE is "too small"? ...Do me a favor, babydolls. Overdose.
moimeme Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 50% of all women wish their engagement rings were bigger. And 50% of all men wish their women's boobs were bigger. I'm guessing if you got bigger boobs, you'd get a bigger ring. Consider it.
Grinning Maniac Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 Originally posted by 50% of American men What's the big deal? We're getting married! I think I DESERVE some bigger titties to squeeze on! Baby, you know I love you, but come on...A-cups?
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