? Seperating but not yet.

[Redwing]

I caught my wife cheating. She convinced me to stay and we separate in March due to financial reasons and for the sake of the kids. She also said she didn't know if she really like her boyfriend and might stay with me. I do love my wife.

As well she said there was no sex with him but she wanted to see him - she has gone away twice to see him for weekends. Now I know I have been duped.

So I have said either we finalize our separation document which has me staying in the house and the kids are split time wise 50/50 or she sees him again she leaves or I leave if she doesn't.

Was that right thing to do? Anything else I should do?

[AffairsRBad]

I caught my wife cheating. She convinced me to stay and we separate in March due to financial reasons and for the sake of the kids. She also said she didn't know if she really like her boyfriend and might stay with me. I do love my wife.

As well she said there was no sex with him but she wanted to see him - she has gone away twice to see him for weekends. Now I know I have been duped.

So I have said either we finalize our separation document which has me staying in the house and the kids are split time wise 50/50 or she sees him again she leaves or I leave if she doesn't.

Was that right thing to do? Anything else I should do?

 

First, let me say I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through. I myself was in your state not too long ago. It does get better!

 

What state do you live in? Certain states do have laws against adultery that can be used in cases of divorce.

 

As you may be aware, when a woman gets into an affair, even if it's just emotional, you aren't going to be able to reason with her.

 

In terms of what you should do, how much do you know about her affair partner? If that person is also married, I would suggest contacting their spouse and inform them of this illicit relationship. The affair needs to stop before anything else can happen.

 

Second, you need to think hard about yourself and figure out what your bottom line is and do not ever EVER cross that. If you want to reconcile, then decide how low you are willing to sink. If you do not think you can forgive her or do not want to reconcile, then just proceed with legal action of separation/divorce depending on the state laws. Regardless, try to secure any evidence that the affair took place, even if it means tape recording your wife admitting to the affair.

 

Finally, try to keep a calm head about things before saying or doing anything you may flip flop on. If it just happened recently, this is especially true. Seek counseling to talk to about it, as your friends and family probably will not really understand, as well-intentioned that they are. It's a process and it gets better. Remember that you deserve to be happy, and her selfish behavior is not something you deserve (unless you are a violent abusive person who has committed domestic violence). Wish you well.

[Redwing]

Thanks for your comments.

How do I deal with my wife for the next 4 months before we separate - Not talk to her or do stuff with her?

[chew123]

Redwing,

 

The separation without actually separating is very difficult. My wife told me of her affair 1 month ago and we are living together while we are going through the legal stuff. Since we are trying to keep the D quiet until my son comes home for Christmas we have had to go out as a couple on occasion.

 

This has proven disastrous as I am normally a very calm person and I have accepted the marriage is over, but if I have a few drinks I can become angry over the affair and may say a few things that while true are not constructive. No more alcohol til this is over.

 

Not that it matters but she is now angry at me for yelling at her over the affair after one of these incidents. Not that I care, but she is actually trying to play the victim now. Just makes things more uncomfortable.

 

So, my advice to you is spend some nights at your friends house and limit contact as much as it is possible. I know it is hard especially if you are thinking of reconciliation but being together during this time is volatile.

 

One point about letting her "decide" who she wants to stay with. In my opinion you are giving away all of your power and this will hurt you in the long run. You are essentially your wife's plan b while she tries out the new guy. It was hard and took me a few weeks to get there, but once my wife told me she refused to end the affair, I started the paperwork. I refuse to be plan b. If she does not want me, why should I want her. This is tough, but I could not begin the healing process until I came to this realization.

 

I know this sux. Keep posting this forum is helpful.

I hope it works out for you the way you want it to.