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Posted

Dancing queen this is your first taste of what needs to be done before you commit. It is do able as long as you are serious about it, and don't let him blow it off. A prenup is a good idea. Most would think you are planning your divorce,...hardly. You are preventing any unnecessary money spent on lawyers, and it is to protect both parties, not the husband's bank account. It's no different than doing up your wills.

Posted
So do you think that if both parties work 40 hours a week, the person who earns less money (working the same hours) still needs to come home and do all the housework?

 

 

Where in **** do people come up with this stupid ****?:laugh:

Posted
If you read the Infidelity Forum, money issues are (at best) number 2...

 

and if i only read 'M is wonderful' web site then D does not exist.

 

money, from what i have seen, is far and away #1. its not discussed here as much because there are too many variables to have a 'sound bite' response.

 

but i will try: the younger you are (like OP) and first timers pooling makes more sense: provided your spending habits are similar --- whatever they are.

 

like similar prior posters: OP this is NOT the real issue, the two of you need serious pre-marriage counseling. otherwise this will not end well.

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Posted

 

like similar prior posters: OP this is NOT the real issue, the two of you need serious pre-marriage counseling. otherwise this will not end well.

 

If the splitting of finances isn't an issue then what is...

Posted

Money is just one of the issues, the real issue is communication. In order to sort everything out you both need to discuss openly about money, priorities, responsabilities, how many kids, how they are to be raised, expectations on hosusehold duties, etc. Understanding where each of you are coming from, and coming to agreeance, the better the marriage.

Posted

So, what discussion did you have when the two of you took out a mortgage together for the new house? Presumably you knew then that you couldn't afford to pay half of it based on your salary? Did you two discuss at all how you were planning to pay the mortgage, property taxes, etc.? And why does he think you have money in savings if you don't? It sounds like the two of you haven't had any communications about money.

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Posted
So, what discussion did you have when the two of you took out a mortgage together for the new house? Presumably you knew then that you couldn't afford to pay half of it based on your salary? Did you two discuss at all how you were planning to pay the mortgage, property taxes, etc.? And why does he think you have money in savings if you don't? It sounds like the two of you haven't had any communications about money.

 

We've talked about money. He knows how much I have in savings, which is why when I told him my portion of the next bill was going to have to wait, he asked me what happened to my savings.

Just savings for me is that..savings. I'm not going to transfer it to savings just because.

 

And when we discussed how bills were going to be split, we were talking about mortgage, electric, internet and food.

 

For some reason I thought he was paying the mortgage and internet and I was paying electric and groceries.

But then, a month or so ago, I was not concerned about my student loans because my parents wanted to pay them for me. Well, now they are unable to..so I have that debt on me now.

Posted

For some reason I thought he was paying the mortgage and internet and I was paying electric and groceries.

 

"For some reason..."

 

"For some reason..."

 

"For some reason..."

 

 

 

See what I'm doing here? You don't even have a clear idea why or how the bills have been split up? You need to sit down and have a very concise and clear discussion on what is getting paid for, by whom, for how long, and what happens in the case of an emergency or unemployment.

  • Like 2
Posted

Like most, will go into it blindly because love will get them through it......

Posted
We've talked about money. He knows how much I have in savings, which is why when I told him my portion of the next bill was going to have to wait, he asked me what happened to my savings.

Just savings for me is that..savings. I'm not going to transfer it to savings just because.

 

And when we discussed how bills were going to be split, we were talking about mortgage, electric, internet and food.

 

For some reason I thought he was paying the mortgage and internet and I was paying electric and groceries.

But then, a month or so ago, I was not concerned about my student loans because my parents wanted to pay them for me. Well, now they are unable to..so I have that debt on me now.

 

If you agreed to pay electricity and groceries, and he agreed to pay mortgage and internet, was that 50/50? I would guess that his portion of the bills would be larger in that scenario. Are you counting your student loans as 50/50?

 

Obviously there's some confusion of who is paying what and you haven't discussed what to do now that you have to pay back your student loans.

 

I agree with others that communication seems to be the main issue here.

 

Type up each monthly expense on a spreadsheet. Total everything up. Sit down together and have a clear discussion about who is paying for what.

 

Edited to add: Others may disagree, but I don't believe that bringing debt into a relationship then becomes the partner's debt as well.

  • Like 2
Posted

Edited to add: Others may disagree, but I don't believe that bringing debt into a relationship then becomes the partner's debt as well.

This is why a pre-nup is essential.

 

In some countries/states, a pre-existing debt CAN become part of the relationship's debt.

 

One never knows without seeing a lawyer.

  • Like 1
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Posted

Edited to add: Others may disagree, but I don't believe that bringing debt into a relationship then becomes the partner's debt as well.

 

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility but my own. It was very nice of my parents to want to pay it for me, but since they can't it's mine to deal with. I don't expect him to help me pay it, I just want him to understand that now I have this additional expense and I need him to pay some of the other bills.

 

I'm not asking him to pay the bills because I don't have enough spending money or anything, I don't think this is unreasonable.

Posted
I don't think it's anyone's responsibility but my own. It was very nice of my parents to want to pay it for me, but since they can't it's mine to deal with. I don't expect him to help me pay it, I just want him to understand that now I have this additional expense and I need him to pay some of the other bills.

 

I'm not asking him to pay the bills because I don't have enough spending money or anything, I don't think this is unreasonable.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable either, but it sounds like your fiance does. Judging from this and your other two threads, I think you need to seriously think about what you are in for with this guy. He doesn't sound like he takes your opinions or feelings into consideration at all.

Posted

Dancing Queen:

 

Understand these fundamental truths: Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money. Finances are the #1 cause of marital discord & divorce.

 

You can't get married until you are on the same page about money. It's not an easy subject to begin talking about but as you get used to sharing it feels more natural.

 

You don't need a pre-nup because frankly, neither of you are bringing enough assets into the marriage to justify the costs of protecting anything & they are very expensive. You should have all of the disclosure conversations that come with drafting a pre-nup though. That means laying everything out on the table: every bank statement, every bill etc. If you just bought this house, you must have some of this stuff handy because the bank needed to see it to give you a mortgage.

 

Every couple has different ways of handling bills & bank accounts but the trick is to find an arrangement that works for you & be transparent about it. Everybody gets the passwords to the accounts etc, especially if you have separate accounts.

 

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Meet with a financial counselor or good accountant in advance of the wedding. Have some sort of pre-marital counseling to learn how to talk about tough stuff like, money, & how to resolve conflicts.

Posted
Well actually now that you mention it....I do all of them.

Well, 99.9% he did the dishes one night.

 

He says I get the house stuff and he's going to do the yard work. Been in the house almost a month and he's done 0 yard work. No taking out trash, nothing. The grass has giant weeds sticking up, the bushes are very unruly, etc.

 

I told him that's ridiculous because you do yardwork about once every three weeks (mowing and trimming and whatnot). You have house hold work to do daily (cooking, dishes).

 

As soon as he (finally after a week) set up the washing machine, he brought me the hamper full of HIS clothes only, and said ok here ya go. I gave him a look and told him to do HIS laundry.

 

I do make him do some stuff. He'll leave socks everywhere and trash everywhere and dishes all over and I have to tell him to put each item away, but he will do that at least.

 

Sounds like you are his mother more than his fiancee.

 

I think you should split bills according to income. If you can't realistically share income 50/50 without being broke, than he should handle a larger portion of it especially since he makes more than you.

Posted

I think you should split bills according to income. If you can't realistically share income 50/50 without being broke, than he should handle a larger portion of it especially since he makes more than you.

 

 

This doesn't always work. I have family (2 married couples) that are scrapping about how the other is not bringing in their fair share, and not carrying enough of the finacial burden. One of the couples it's the wife that is complaining (she makes more money).

Posted
If the splitting of finances isn't an issue then what is...

 

seriously? start with the two other threads you started.

 

it appears you are communicating more with this board than your future H.

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