Dancing_Queen12 Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) My fiance and I are getting married in 6 months, been engaged about 7 months, dated for almost 2.5 years. We have lived together about 5 months. When we first moved in together, we lived with his room mate, so bills were split 3 ways, and it was very affordable. Well, he and I just bought our first home. Bills are now split in 2. 50/50. I don't think 50/50 is fair... we're not room mates, we're a couple. He makes nearly twice as much as I do. 34k to my 22k. If we split bills in half, at the end of the month after bills are paid I'll have like $5 left in my bank account, he'll have about $1000 left. We just paid a few bills and I have no money until I get paid next week. He told me of one other bill we have to pay and I said my portion is going to have to wait a bit. He asked why, I told him and he asked didn't I have any savings. I have a bit in savings, but that is for emergencies, not to be switched over willy nilly. I've got that saved for our venue, which has to be paid in a couple months. And after that's paid I have a little more left to be a cushion for emergencies. He thinks I have money in savings so therefore I've got no problems. Savings to me does not exist. He's got a LOT of money. Thousands. And very little debt. (just the furniture we bought for our house which will be paid in 5 months) I told him I wanted to do bills according to our income. Like he pay 2/3 and I pay 1/3. Whatever we figure out. He said if we do that then it has to be that way for EVERYTHING. And he wants to install a bunch of security systems and surround sound and whatnot, which will be a few thousand, and if we do it the way I want, I'd have to pay 1/3 of it, because I get the benefit of it too. I think that's ridiculous. He wants that, not me. I didn't ask him for a cent for all of the home decorations I bought..which he benefits from too. He benefits from the curtains for our privacy and from the towels and bedsheets. But it was my idea to buy that stuff, I wanted it and I used my own money on it. I just graduated from college a few months ago. My parents wanted to pay my college loans for me, which was nice. However, my dad just lost his job and they can't afford it anymore, so now I have to pay it. And it's a lot. I also have a credit card. It's not got a huge balance, but I did have to put one payment for college on that, and it's been hard for me to pay that card off. I literally can't afford to pay half the bills. He can pay ALL of the bills and still have money left over. How can I bring this up so he sees that I need help from him? Especially while I'm trying to pay off the debt. I'm so stressed. Edited November 1, 2014 by Dancing_Queen12
CarrieT Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 Based on this and your other threads, I think you should postpone the wedding. Does he realize that when you two get married, it is a JOINT proposition and your money will be his money and vice-versa? Or is this why he was against a marriage as a legal, binding contract? Lastly, can I ask how old you guys are? It sounds like you are both a bit too young to consider marriage; I'm guess your early/mid-20s? 3
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 You guys are stumbling over the easy stuff, wait til you get to sex, parenting and careers. Have you had any premarital counseling? I'll echo CarrieT, you don't seem ready for the comprmises necessary for marriage... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Dancing_Queen12 Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 Based on this and your other threads, I think you should postpone the wedding. Does he realize that when you two get married, it is a JOINT proposition and your money will be his money and vice-versa? Or is this why he was against a marriage as a legal, binding contract? Lastly, can I ask how old you guys are? It sounds like you are both a bit too young to consider marriage; I'm guess your early/mid-20s? No, he knows and says and even refers to everything as ours and our money. We'll get a joint account once we are married. 23/26. No, we've not had any premarital counseling.
Mascara Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 The essentials should be split as you suggest. Things that are non-essentials are the choice of the person who wants them, so they should pay. You don't get a choice with essential bills. Put it to him like that.
Thegameoflife Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 It's not fair that you should come up with half. He is being selfish. If you want to keep seperate accounts, you need to pay bills proportionately to percentage of income. To do 50/50, you have to set up at the lower income earner's means. That's not what you did, so he has to be willing to give a little more so you aren't financially burdened. My wife and I put our money into one account. All our bills come out of that account. This is harder to do when finances are tighter, as it requires good communication and financial planning. I think you both need to sit down and hash out a financial plan. Considering you're in a fairly tight situation, purchases like a home theatre should be low priority considering you have debts and a wedding to pay for. Living above your means will have you avoiding collectors in a hurry. If you want to live at that level, you need the income to support it.
veggirl Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) Okay your fiance is hella stingy. What you guys need to do is contribute proportionally to a joint account for household expenses. 66/33% and from that pay the bills and if there is extra for surround sound etc then get it but if not, don't. If you are marrying why can't you do the joint account now? My bf makes a lot moe than I do (double) so he pays more....I pay about 1/3rd of the rent and he pays the rest plus utilities and I buy groceries. I would do the same if I was making that much more than he was and I assume you would for your fiance too. Ask him why he is so stuck on the numbers, like why does he need it to be "okay if we do it its for EVERYTHING" Ask him why he is being so nit picky, eventually all the money will be MUTUAL money so whats the point in being stingy about what comes from where? Edited November 1, 2014 by veggirl
CarrieT Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 23/26. No, we've not had any premarital counseling. WAY TOO YOUNG. You should wait at least five years *and* get pre-marital counseling. You have no idea how much you are going to change in your mindset in the next five years. 5
twosadthings Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 I've been married for 41 years and have always earned and still as a retiree bring into the household far more than my wife. Even when we first got married I made more despite only making $3/hour as she was still in school and unemployed. Talk about a taking a leap of faith. Marriage is and should be viewed as two people becoming, thinking and acting as one. A dollar in your pocket and two in his should be considered as three. Suppose, and I know this is extreme, in the future you have a child that is taken and held for ransom. Would he expect you to come up with half of the funds for their release? You say you have little or no funds until your next paycheck. Would he let you go without lunch or walk to work until then? You've known each other for about three years. He should know whether you are responsible with your and by extension his finances. A marriage is doomed to failure unless both people in it communicate their needs, feelings and desires on, as a previous poster said, so many issues both important and trivial. Talk to him. Lay it out for him on paper if necessary. Do it in a calm and positive fashion. Make it part of a plan for your future hopes and dreams. Good luck, Twosadthings 5
CarrieT Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Oh yes, and get a pre-nup! These things need to be discussed and ironed out extensively in an iron-clad, legal agreement before marriage. 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Been together for almost 25 years, we do not have a joint account, or share a credit card. We have always split the household bills and the mortgage 50 50 even tho he makes 25 thousand more than I do. If he wants a new TV, he pays for it. If I want a winter vehicle, I pay for it. We never fight about money. This has worked excellent for us. Since you both have different ideas on how the money is spent, you both better hold off on getting married and talk about your financial expectations. Marriage counselors suggest a join account for bills, food, childcare, mortgage, insurance. Then have your own money to spend as you wish. This pooling your money together as one, is going to cause issues. Money issues is the number one reason why marriages fail. 1
Arieswoman Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Marriage counselors suggest a join account for bills, food, childcare, mortgage, insurance. Then have your own money to spend as you wish. This pooling your money together as one, is going to cause issues. ^^^^^^ Agree 100%. this is just commonsense IMO.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Money issues is the number one reason why marriages fail. If you read the Infidelity Forum, money issues are (at best) number 2... Mr. Lucky 2
CarrieT Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 I do make him do some stuff. He'll leave socks everywhere and trash everywhere and dishes all over and I have to tell him to put each item away, but he will do that at least. Picking up after one's self is not a house chore, that is simple common sense and sanity maintenance. My step-children do not get an allowance for keeping their dirty clothes and belongings out of the common living area or maintaining their personal living space. They get an allowance for helping with the upkeep of the communal area; family dinner dishes, sweeping the floor, washing windows, dusting furniture. It is COURTESY to keep one's detritus from the shared spaces. Dancing Queen, you are seeing your future and it is not pretty; your fiancé sounds controlling and manipulative. 2
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Yeah I figured he did almost nothing in the house. Please get your own place and do not marry this man. Trust me he will not change, and you will get the **** end of the stick every time. 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 If you read the Infidelity Forum, money issues are (at best) number 2... Mr. Lucky People cheat for different reasons and having money issues leads to it, because they use infidelity as an escape. 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Well actually now that you mention it....I do all of them. Well, 99.9% he did the dishes one night. He says I get the house stuff and he's going to do the yard work. Been in the house almost a month and he's done 0 yard work. No taking out trash, nothing. The grass has giant weeds sticking up, the bushes are very unruly, etc. I told him that's ridiculous because you do yardwork about once every three weeks (mowing and trimming and whatnot). You have house hold work to do daily (cooking, dishes). As soon as he (finally after a week) set up the washing machine, he brought me the hamper full of HIS clothes only, and said ok here ya go. I gave him a look and told him to do HIS laundry. I do make him do some stuff. He'll leave socks everywhere and trash everywhere and dishes all over and I have to tell him to put each item away, but he will do that at least. Yes BUT he is the larger income earner, so if he is putting more money in the pot, it's only fair for you to balance that out with house keeping and cooking.
anne1707 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Yes BUT he is the larger income earner, so if he is putting more money in the pot, it's only fair for you to balance that out with house keeping and cooking. The bills are split 50 50 so she is paying just as much as him but he is doing FAR less around the house. Does that sound right to you? 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 BUT in future he will be responsible for the larger ticket items that will be needed to be purchased. Don't worry he knows this, especially when children comes along, he will be footing the bill for all that. Even if he does chores he will stop just like most other husbands out there, and the wives like myself fall into the role of pretty much doing everything anyways. They have done studies that the chores that men do in the house falls to 0 after a few or+ years of marriage. She can tell him if he has the big bucks he can hire a house keeper. Or nag the crap out of him to have the decency to at least pick up after himself.
veggirl Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Yes BUT he is the larger income earner, so if he is putting more money in the pot, it's only fair for you to balance that out with house keeping and cooking. So do you think that if both parties work 40 hours a week, the person who earns less money (working the same hours) still needs to come home and do all the housework? 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 So do you think that if both parties work 40 hours a week, the person who earns less money (working the same hours) still needs to come home and do all the housework? That's what I do. He will do the dishes and his own laundry, I do the rest. IMO I don't think it's fair to expect to take his money because I make less.
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Like I said to even it out he can pay for the maid service then.
Author Dancing_Queen12 Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Some of this is my fault.. Back when we were dating, I'd go over and spend the night. He had a different job then and worked extremely long hours. 10-12 hour days sometimes 6 days a week. So I'd get to his apartment before he got home, clean a bit and have dinner ready, throw his laundry in the washer and the next morning I'd make him breakfast and finish putting the laundry away, after he left for work, before I went home. So, I realize I've been doing this for so long that he now probably expects it. I did it then out of love, because he was miserable at his job and worked such long hours. I was in college then, had a part time job and weekends and days off, so I felt it was the least I could do. Now, he has a new job he loves. I have a job and we both work 40 hours. I've been trying to get him to do more. I know it's my fault for doing all of the chores before I even lived with him. I just wanted to help him out when he was so worn out and exhausted all the time. And yeah, he makes more but we both work the same amount. It's ridiculous for him to come home and sit around watching tv and playing video games while I'm cooking dinner, doing dishes, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, caring for the pets, etc. I need time to relax too. My job is stressful, his is not. He loves going to work everyday and enjoys every minute while he's there, it doesn't even feel like work for him. He was previously engaged and she didn't work or go to school. She sat around the apartment in pjs all day on the laptop and he'd get home and the house was a mess, no dinner was cooked and she hadn't moved all day. So he had to make dinner and clean the house and if he asked her to help him she'd get mad. I'm more than willing to do housework, the main thing I ask is for him to put his dishes in the sink, put his dirty laundry in the hamper and put his trash in the trash can. I've told him if he'll at least do that, I can take it from there. I'm NOT going to g around after him picking up trash he drops and clearing socks from the living room floor. I don't care if I didn't work, he's not a toddler and I won't be picking up after him. Anyways, this thread is about finances not household chores... 1
CarrieT Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Anyways, this thread is about finances not household chores... I think it is about a bigger picture that you are beginning to see. You two have only lived by yourselves for five months and I believe that much of getting to know someone before marriage is doing exactly what you are doing AND learning what married life is going to be like. Don't make a mistake and go through a marriage just because you have paid a deposit on a wedding hall. Look at the future and see what a future marriage is going to be like. If it is not 100% compatible on all levels, then you shouldn't go through with a wedding. That is ONE DAY and you have already provided many instances (i.e., red flags) that should be worked through before considering marriage. 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 What it boils down to is communication. You both need to have a thorough discussion on money expectations, how it's spent, are you going to have a joint account and have separate ones, etc. The reason why everyone has brought up household chores is that there are many things you both need to consider not just money. It's a multitude of responsibilities such as mortgage, childcare, job loss etc. Marriage is no romantic fairytale, it's a lot of hard work to maintain it, and things like how the money will be saved, shared and spent cannot be ignored or worried about later.
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