I don't know what I'm doing!!!

[lil_lionwoman]

Note to readers: The title for this forum may be a little dramatic but without further ado here's my story.

 

I met this guy online about 3 years ago and we started off as just friends and had long text conversations at times, but they weren't very frequent. Our text convos with each other were sporadic but I always looked forward to hearing from him. This lasted for about 2 years. Then we switched from texting (over kik) to viber an app that allows you to text and call internationally for free. That's when things developed into more. I'm not exactly sure when we reached the status of bf & gf because our relationship evolved naturally without us having to put specific labels on it.

 

The time difference(8 hours) between the two of us makes it extremely hard to keep in touch, (he lives in macedonia, I live in CO). So we talk really early in the morning or really late at night. I was very tentative about what was developing between us because it's all very daunting. It's my first serious relationship and we face the distance boundary, the culture boundary(I'm Nigerian btw), the age boundary(he's about 4/5 years older)... Lemme just put it this way... the struggle is real y'all. We've also video chatted a few times so I do know that he is real, but like any LDR I wonder if the chemistry we have over the phone would be the same as the chemistry we have when we're together.

 

We recently talked about this and I told him that I was worried about that and he told me to let him worry about the future and just live in the present for now. But any mention of the future scares me. In an LDR it seems like there's added marital pressure, because say I stay in this relationship(which I want to) and we do all this handwork maintaining it over a year or two till we can finally meet each other face to face, and when we meet it's an absolute failure. And we would've both waisted years of our life that could've been spent doing other things. While he's with me he might be passing up his own chance at happiness with someone else who can be physically there for him and I don't want to do that to anyone.

 

Before I continue I should let you in on how our relationship is. He is very free at sharing his feelings so he was the first to tell me he really liked me and had feelings for me(no love has been declared yet). Whenever he said that all he got from me was silence because while I did feel something it was hard for me to verbalize because I'm not used to that giving or being the recipient of that kind of open affection. I've been growing more used to this and I like him a lot for how affectionate he is. Recently it's turned sexual (not the crazy "I want to f*** you" sexual) just normal "I wish you were here so I could hug, kiss you, run my fingers through your hair" sexual. And once again I was flattered as hell. He's funny, he makes me laugh, he motivates me, he believes in me, he listens. Just an all around great supportive guy. Yeah the whole icky cliche when I hear his voice my day is immediately 10 times better.

 

Now here are my concerns:

 

 

I'm attracted to his personality but ugh and I hate saying this aloud, i'm not physically attracted to him. If we had met in person I would never have approached him.God that sounds horrible but it's the truth. This is bad, this is really bad just another thing to worry about when we meet in person.

 

I haven't told my mom about him, because how do you explain to your mother that you're #1 in a relationship #2 that you met the guy online #3 that he lives in another country. and I feel guilty because he has actually told his parents about me, at least he's mentioned me I haven't even done that. The uncertainty of how she would react is killing me...

 

Our cultural, racial and religious differences.

 

I worry that I'm too young(18 going on 19 soon), it's not that I want a casual relationship because unlike some of my peers I view dating as only for marriage purposes not just for fun. Maybe I'm just being swept away be the adventure of it all. There's something intoxicating about having a relationship with someone who's halfway around the world. (Intoxicating isn't the right world but idk how best to explain it). I don't know what my feelings are, yes I like him, but how much, how deeply, is it just infatuation? Only time will tell I guess.

 

I don't want to move too fast. I don't want to lead someone on by declaring feelings that aren't truly there simply because I was caught up in the moment and the nostalgia of a LDR.

 

Some advice please? any advice would be welcome, I think I just need to talk things through with somebody...

[kimiky]

I'm not exactly sure when we reached the status of bf & gf because our relationship evolved naturally without us having to put specific labels on it.

God I felt so identified... We never had to ask each other if we wanted to be bf/gf, it just happened progressively

 

I'm attracted to his personality but ugh and I hate saying this aloud, i'm not physically attracted to him. If we had met in person I would never have approached him.God that sounds horrible but it's the truth. This is bad, this is really bad just another thing to worry about when we meet in person.

Believe me, once you grown up enough, you don't even care about phisical appearance... I think that girls (i'm talking about girls with a brain) look for more attentive and nice guys rather than just good looking one for the man you want to be your whole life. People change, people isn't atractive forever. However, the only thing you need is being comfortable with him in a way you don't think too much about his appearance, and maybe if you don't like something you can help him look better some way. Before meeting mine, I haven't seen much pictures of him, hell, not even webcam, just a couple of pics of his face. It was so suitable to me that I promised myself i would accept him as he was. He was the person in the pictures, took me a while to get used to, but I didn't really care much about appearance.

 

I haven't told my mom about him, because how do you explain to your mother that you're #1 in a relationship #2 that you met the guy online #3 that he lives in another country. and I feel guilty because he has actually told his parents about me, at least he's mentioned me I haven't even done that. The uncertainty of how she would react is killing me...

My mom is very open mind and she accepted it with time, i had to lie at first, then i told her the truth but she was happy about. You have to analize how much she will support you for you to be happy. You can offer her to talk with him so she makes sure he is a normal person. You can tell your guy to send you something by mail, something small but significant, so your mom sees that he really cares about you.

 

About chemistry... you won't lose time, you won't lose anything than just money if you fail when meeting him. People have relationships in real life and they fail same way. You won't know if you never try, you can win a partner for life if you bet and win, and if not, you will earn more experience and a lesson. Time is NEVER wasted if you are okay with him and get along. People waste time choosing the wrong career to study, the wrong person to love, the wrong job, etc, but you always learn something new on failing.

[lil_lionwoman]

It feels pretty isolating to be in an LDR other people don't understand, some of my friends don't even consider us a real couple so getting practical advice from them doesn't work. I get what your saying about not losing time, and there's definitely that voice in the back of my head that tells me to just enjoy the experience... I guess the easiest thing would be to stop worrying. I will tell my mom eventually because I'm terrible at keeping secrets, I like the idea of him talking to her or sending me something I hadn't really thought of that. Thank you so much for that and I'm glad to hear your own LDR is going well.

[justwhoiam]

I met this guy online about 3 years ago

Ok. You were 15, and he was a pen pal on the other side of the world.

 

I'm not exactly sure when we reached the status of bf & gf because our relationship evolved naturally without us having to put specific labels on it.

Brace yourself: you're not bf & gf. For one, you never ever met. Also, he never said "I love you". I don't know any bf/gf when that hasn't been said at least once. So, don't foold yourself. Start telling yourself you're not bf & gf, and that has never been mentioned for a reason. When it's foggy, it's foggy for a reason. And that's what you have: some foggy situation.

 

he lives in macedonia, I live in CO

I guess CO stands for Colorado. Now, apparently you're 18 and he's 23. What does he do? As far as I know, Macedonia has a very low GDP per capita, less than $5,000 a year. Now, if that's the scenario (assuming he's even working), what would be viable for you two if he hardly makes $400 a month? You need to be practical about that.

Because the first thing I would suggest is that you meet at least once, to know each other flesh & bone, and see how it goes. See if you're attracted to one another, if there's a spark, chemistry...... Without any of that, a romantic relationship makes no sense. At that point, he could be a dear friend and all, but nothing more.

 

So, all in all, you can put up with the distance, you can put up with the time difference, you can put up with the age gap (5 years is fine and actually, I'd consider it as an advantage), but no future ahead an no chance of meeting? Then no, it's not feasible.

 

like any LDR I wonder if the chemistry we have over the phone would be the same as the chemistry we have when we're together.

Pretty fair. You said in fact "like any LDR". And you're right. That happens to most people in a LDR before meeting.

 

In an LDR it seems like there's added marital pressure, because say I stay in this relationship(which I want to) and we do all this handwork maintaining it over a year or two till we can finally meet each other face to face, and when we meet it's an absolute failure.

I don't get how you go from this thought to marital pressure. I can't see it. Anyway, again, you realize you need to meet before committing to one person. That is just natural and wise.

 

I'm attracted to his personality but ugh and I hate saying this aloud, i'm not physically attracted to him.

Ok, this is generally a red flag. You are flattered by his attention, compliments, etc. But you know what? You'd get all that by most men trying to pursue you, and I find it hard that he's going to be the only one... So guess what happens once you get all that from someone you're attracted to...

 

Now, that said, things don't always work out as expected... He was my friend for over 9 years before we met. He had been nothing more than a friend to me until then (I must also mention that we were both married to other people, so being with him didn't even cross my mind). He's been attracted to me for years, but I was not. I had seen him in pictures and was not attracted to him. Then we met, and I fell for him bad. Suddenly he started being the sexiest guy on earth. That's just what happens when you fall in love. In short, what I mean is: if you fall in love with him, looks is not something that will get in the way. If you don't fall in love, you'll know, because you won't be attracted to him. As simple as that.

 

how do you explain to your mother that you're #1 in a relationship #2 that you met the guy online #3 that he lives in another country

Were you born in the US? Was she born in the US? If at least one answer is YES, then I don't see a problem with explaining you fell for a guy from another country. But, before doing so, I guess you should be at least sure about your feelings for him, and now you are not. So he should travel to the US at least once and meet you, and then, only then, you can introduce him to her.

 

Our cultural, racial and religious differences

Don't underestimate any of that. I also face cultural and religious differences. I guess not racial ones though. Cultural differences are kind of a non-issue for us. Religion either. He doesn't feel strong about his religious background. He seems to be attached to a few traditions, and I'm happy to support them and be part of them. He's willing to be part of mine. So we're just fine. But it was a long road to where we are now, 3 years in (in our relationship), not counting the previous 9+ years of friendship. But those years are still there, we were not complete strangers, we knew a lot about each other, what we went through, etc. So I see that as a plus.

 

I don't want to lead someone on by declaring feelings that aren't truly there

That is a very wise way to approach this LDR. Next thing you need to do is arranging a meeting ASAP. If the meeting is not feasible in the next 2 or 3 years, then you should definitely slow down with any romantic feeling and get into a different mindset. Where you're clearly turned off and not turned on.

[lil_lionwoman]

Before I start I just want to say that I really appreciate your reply and I've actually been waiting for it. i've been looking through other threads and seen your other comments and you always give long well thought out advice, that is brutally honest. Brutal honesty is exactly what I've been looking for so thanks you.

 

So, don't foold yourself... When it's foggy, it's foggy for a reason. And that's what you have: some foggy situation.

 

I get where your coming from because for a long time it was foggy, when we started talking it was clear that the chemistry was more than friendship but I wasn't sure if he felt it too. So I was stuck in limbo for a long time. He refers to us as being in a relationship, I never get the sense that we are on different pages when it comes to that.He talks about the future of the relationship things like that have pretty much removed all the fog for me. I guess I could just ask him to make sure that we are.

 

Also, he never said "I love you". I don't know any bf/gf when that hasn't been said at least once.

 

Well it seems that you and I have different views when it comes to declarations of love. I don't take that word lightly so I've never seen the use of that word to be appropriate at the beginning of a relationship. When you start dating someone you don't feel love, a deep liking, a deep attraction, a certain pull to them yes but not love. Eventually yes it should get to that point but not right away.

In regards to my situation I think he's really trying to hold it back(saying I love you). Though I haven't verbally said I want to take things slow, my actions make it pretty clear. So when he tells me things like he really likes me or he has feelings for me- things of that nature, I sense that he's holding back from saying something more. Declarations of love at this point would scare me off, i could explain why but that would take too long. It's just how I feel. So the fact that he hasn't said ILY doesn't bother me.

 

Now, if that's the scenario (assuming he's even working), what would be viable for you two if he hardly makes $400 a month? You need to be practical about that.

 

Ok that comment definitely scared me, of all the things I thought about I did not consider the financial aspect. Yes it's true their economy is suffering, with a low GDP and lower wages than in other European countries. However, he is working part time and is in his final year of college. He goes to a computer science & engineering school in Macedonia which (from what I understand) is one of the top schools there. I'm unsure of what his plans are, but when he talks about his own future moving to the US was always in the picture. Probably for the opportunity at a better paying job. At this point I don't feel really comfortable questioning where he's at financially, but I agree that it will matter later on after we meet.

 

I don't get how you go from this thought to marital pressure. I can't see it. Anyway, again, you realize you need to meet before committing to one person. That is just natural and wise.

 

Yeah I thought I was overreacting as well but that is how i feel.I guess what I'm referring to is that an LDR takes more work and dedication. Planning time around dates, being able to handle being physically apart from each other etc. Going halfway around the world to meet someone is a huge step and a huge gesture... It would (At least to me) seem unfair to demand that of someone who you are not going to end up marrying. But yes I see your point I'm only imagining this.

 

Ok, this is generally a red flag. You are flattered by his attention, compliments, etc.

 

Yes this was one of my concerns. In a previous relationship (which is so repulsive to me now that I hate thinking about it) I ended up with a guy because I was flattered by his attention,not necessarily because I was attracted to him. (I mean I didn't even like the guys personality.) Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, and once I had snapped out of it and broke up with him I could see that we had absolutely nothing in common. So I question myself about that almost everyday in this relationship because I don't want to make a similar mistake.

 

I see your point about the mother thing. It's actually hilarious that I have a problem telling her this because my mother is very open and accepting. Even when I've told her pretty horrible things she tries her absolute best not to over react or be judgmental. But this is alien territory for me an LDR is alien to a lot of people and I care a lot about what my mom thinks of me. But yes I should probably wait until I'm sure of my own feelings.

 

Don't underestimate any of that.

 

I won't thanks!

 

If the meeting is not feasible in the next 2 or 3 years, then you should definitely slow down with any romantic feeling and get into a different mindset. Where you're clearly turned off and not turned on.

 

That's part of the reason why I can't help being so analytical about this relationship. A meeting won't be feasible for another 2 years or so. And I wonder can I wait that long, or can I expect him to wait that long. It seems extremely unfair. I've considered using my study abroad trip to pay a visit for a few days. But.. (and I don't mean to sound so rigidly traditional) I believe the man should be the one to make the first journey.

[justwhoiam]

you always give long well thought out advice, that is brutally honest. Brutal honesty is exactly what I've been looking for so thanks you.

You nailed it. And you're welcome.

 

Well it seems that you and I have different views when it comes to declarations of love

Not really. I was just making a point. You tried to explain how you don't say "I love you" to someone you just started dating. I agree. Just like you are not bf & gf right away just because you've started dating someone. Get it?

 

I've considered using my study abroad trip to pay a visit for a few days. But.. (and I don't mean to sound so rigidly traditional) I believe the man should be the one to make the first journey.

Sure. I guess you won't be in Macedonia to study, so he can come to where you are. Maybe he can do it with $200 in all. That's feasible and sounds like a good idea.

[lil_lionwoman]

Not really. I was just making a point. You tried to explain how you don't say "I love you" to someone you just started dating. I agree. Just like you are not bf & gf right away just because you've started dating someone. Get it?

 

Ah now i understand. Never thought of it in that way but yes that makes sense.

 

Sure. I guess you won't be in Macedonia to study, so he can come to where you are. Maybe he can do it with $200 in all. That's feasible and sounds like a good idea.

 

Wow I didn't even consider that. When I said study abroad I was going to go to a country somewhere in Europe and then from there go to Macedonia to visit him. But that would be too overwhelming because it would mean meeting his family... again I'm trying to avoid moving that quickly. But going to a country in Europe and then asking him to meet me there solves everything. Neutral ground. I like it!