I'm going to lose her

[LK30]

Hi all,

 

It's Saturday night and my gf is going out tonight with the girls. We went out last week to a party and she got quite drunk with my two friends and for some reason I just kept away from her.

 

Before I got with her I saw her out of her face a few times and I also got with her when she was drunk. Admittedly she was single at the time, but didn't help she kissed my mate too! She never instigates anything but I do worry she is influenced easily. I had to go to counselling as I couldn't get it off my mind and didn't bother me at the time but as we got deeper in our relationship it started bothering me. Last week I raised it again and she asked why, and how she couldn't control how I feel and is something she'll support me with but I have to want to change it.

 

I should've really made plans tonight to keep busy. I've been quiet all day and I know she knows something is worrying me when I go quiet. I've been with her 18 months and she's amazing, so I can't understand why I feel like this. I know she'll go out tonight and get wasted, and then I'll worry she's flirty with men or they'll be all over her.

 

I know people will say I need to man up and get over it. Believe me, I don't want to feel like this, but I've told her a couple of times in our relationship that I have anxieties about lots of things, and she is supportive. However, how long will it be before she takes things out of my hands and gives up. I should be messaging her saying 'have a great time' because I know she's faithful, but I can't.

 

I'm 35, have a child, and so does she. I've worked hard but I know being alone I'll just feel rubbish too and this is just an ongoing cycle of me meeting a lady, having a good relationship, and then pushing them away.

 

I don't know if anyone else has experienced anything similar

[smackie9]

You are dating the wrong woman. Everyone has different expectations, and expect certain boundaries. Even if she doesn't sleep around, she still goes out and acts single, better known as an attention whore. It may seem innocent to her, but it is stepping over the line when it comes to being in a committed relationship. You need to find someone that doesn't see the point in going to clubs, and attracting the attention of strange men for amusement.

[LK30]

Thanks for quick replies guys! Sorry I should have clarified that she rarely goes out. Probably a handful of times a year, not every week!!

[smackie9]

Thanks for quick replies guys! Sorry I should have clarified that she rarely goes out. Probably a handful of times a year, not every week!!

 

Hah, probably for a good reason........

[angel.eyes]

Why aren't you going to this party with her?

 

The frequency of her shenanigans is largely irrelevant. You're simply trying to rationalize away bad behavior. The real issue here is respect and trust. Two things that are sorely lacking in your relationship.

 

I have a boyfriend. It wouldn't cross my mind to get wasted, act single, and drunkenly kiss random men at some party...even once. I have no interest in other men and zero desire to do things that might hurt his feelings. He matters to me. I respect him and value my relationship with him. I am not about to jeopardize what we have! As much as he adores and loves me, I also know that he has enough self-respect to walk away were I to start pulling the crap behavior you describe.

 

That's where you fall dismally short. Unfortunately, you're too afraid of losing your girlfriend to enforce the basic boundaries of an exclusive relationship. Not surprisingly, she doesn't respect your feelings, you're no longer able to trust her, and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop...dreading that she'll leave you for one of these random guys she meets while out drunkenly partying with her friends.

 

Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate what you tolerate from a partner, and more importantly whether she is the right partner for you.

 

Best of luck!