maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) friends set me up with this guy. he affirmatively told us that he is single. he was decent. so we went on a few more dates. but he didn't seem like he was opening up to me and I felt like I couldn't connect with him for some reason. he likes to touch me but doesn't like it when I touch him? so I felt a bit suspicious. then I found out that he had a gf when he lived abroad which was about a year ago. this girl flew over 10 hours to meet him a few months ago and seems like stayed at his place for a week or so. to me, it seems like they aren't broken up? given that he affirmatively told us that he is single, I felt like he was deliberately lying. so I didn't feel like confronting him would solve anything and also didn't think I was in any position to confront anyway (we've only dated for a few times). but still I felt upset and deceived. i just stopped talking but wonder if this was the right course of action? i don't know what i should have done or should do? should I have given him a chance to explain? Edited November 1, 2014 by maestrok
Author maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 anyone? i am interested in hearing any opinions thanks.
beach Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 Since he had her fly in while he was seeing you I'd get the feeling he found her more important than me.
Author maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 Since he had her fly in while he was seeing you I'd get the feeling he found her more important than me. no no, she flew in like three months ago and we met only a month ago. but given such short time span, my guts say that they are still together. and i am asking people if i should have given him a benefit of doubt even when all the circumstantial evidence suggests one thing.
heartshaped Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 Did you ask him about this at all before jumping to conclusions ?
Author maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 Did you ask him about this at all before jumping to conclusions ? no, because (1) i didnt want to get into argument as to whether i am in the position to confront him or whether i am crazy or not for thinking so (which i imagine he'd try to do in order to avoid the issue or whatever reason), and/or (2) since he did affirmatively have said that he was single, if he really did not break up, he would just continue to lie anyway. no?
heartshaped Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 I don't mean "confront", but I don't see why you couldn't ask him about his (ex)girlfriend. I don't necessarily think him seeing her three months ago means they are still in a relationship although it could mean there are still feelings involved or maybe they are cordial or maybe she/they wanted to reconcile things but it didn't work out. I'm not saying he isn't or is in a relationship, but I think you have very, very little evidence to go on that says he is.
Author maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 I don't mean "confront", but I don't see why you couldn't ask him about his (ex)girlfriend. I don't necessarily think him seeing her three months ago means they are still in a relationship although it could mean there are still feelings involved or maybe they are cordial or maybe she/they wanted to reconcile things but it didn't work out. I'm not saying he isn't or is in a relationship, but I think you have very, very little evidence to go on that says he is. i mean i know they still talk. and who wants be a rebound or have to deal with all potential dramas of ex-relationship. i dont know. i guess i am just not confident that i could trust him. but at the same time, i am afraid i might be not giving him a chance.
losangelena Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 I kinda feel like you're saying two different things. You say you feel like you're in no position to confront him, but that you feel deceived. You feel like you don't trust him, but you're afraid you're not giving him a chance. Bottom line, at this point, you don't know him or the details of his life enough to say one way or the other. You don't trust him, but you probably haven't spent enough time with him for trust to develop. If you're curious about him and want to get to know him better, then do so. There's a big difference between spending time getting to know someone and deciding to be in a relationship with them. Asking about past relationships is a totally legit topic of conversation when you're dating someone, and if you're unsatisfied with his answers, then you can decide whether or not you want to move on. Right now, it is all speculation.
Author maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 I kinda feel like you're saying two different things. You say you feel like you're in no position to confront him, but that you feel deceived. You feel like you don't trust him, but you're afraid you're not giving him a chance. Bottom line, at this point, you don't know him or the details of his life enough to say one way or the other. You don't trust him, but you probably haven't spent enough time with him for trust to develop. If you're curious about him and want to get to know him better, then do so. There's a big difference between spending time getting to know someone and deciding to be in a relationship with them. Asking about past relationships is a totally legit topic of conversation when you're dating someone, and if you're unsatisfied with his answers, then you can decide whether or not you want to move on. Right now, it is all speculation. You are correct in observing that I have two competing thoughts (otherwise I would not have been asking for advice here ..) I guess I am also afraid in just spending time and getting to know him when there are these (what I see as) red flags, because I feel like I am setting myself up for potential emotional damages. I mean if you spend time/money/effort to get together with someone, you can't not open up and become emotional vulnerable. is there a way not to be subject to that?
losangelena Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 But that's dating, though. No one's a robot. Each and every time you meet someone, there is a risk involved, but I think you can mitigate it by asking questions or observing and acting on what you think are red flags. If his situation is already a red flag for you, then end it. You may question whether that was a "good idea" or not, but the fact is, you may never know. Chances are you'll forget all about it once you meet someone who doesn't raise these flags. If his situation is more of a yellow flag and you want to know more, stick around and invest a bit more time (and yes, emotion). You might end up getting hurt—that's unavoidable for all humans who are seeking connection—but at least you'd have a better idea.
heartshaped Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 You are correct in observing that I have two competing thoughts (otherwise I would not have been asking for advice here ..) I guess I am also afraid in just spending time and getting to know him when there are these (what I see as) red flags, because I feel like I am setting myself up for potential emotional damages. I mean if you spend time/money/effort to get together with someone, you can't not open up and become emotional vulnerable. is there a way not to be subject to that? Idk, I think maybe you're making too big of a deal out of this. But I'm also a fan of trusting your gut instinct (if you have a good feel for things like this). Before making any decision though, I would talk to him about his ex. What he says during that conversation (how things ended, what terms they are on now) would be very insightful.
Assasda Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) IMO this guy dodged a major bullet. This girl stayed at his place 3 months ago. OP met him a month ago, & he says he's single OP doesnt believe him, doesnt want to confront him. hahahaha OP, you have major, major insecurites, solve those before you go out dating Edited November 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) IMO this guy dodged a major bullet. This girl stayed at his place 3 months ago. OP met him a month ago, & he says he's single OP doesnt believe him, doesnt want to confront him. hahahaha OP, you have major, major insecurites, solve those before you go out dating I mean there are other circumstantial evidence I have personally observed throughout. And like I said, I didn't want to bring it up with him because some guys if not most react like you do. It's not really about insecurities, it's more about those guys being deceptive and dodging the real issues by calling the other person with legitimate concerns a psycho or insecure. Edited November 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Assasda Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 I mean there are other circumstantial evidence I have personally observed throughout. And like I said, I didn't want to bring it up with him because some guys if not most react like you do. It's not really about insecurities, it's more about those guys being deceptive and dodging the real issues by calling the other person with legitimate concerns a psycho or insecure. I said, "OP sounds like a psycho." key word - "sounds like" - Its what a psycho person would do. If you cant stand-back and look at your actions and criticize them, I dont know why youre on this forum. Its also really Ironic that if you asked him these questions that were bothering you, you'd seem less insecure. Insecure people dont want any conflict whatsoever, so they self-sabotage themselves, just like you OP. Hopefully this is constructive to you
Author maestrok Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 I said, "OP sounds like a psycho." key word - "sounds like" - Its what a psycho person would do. If you cant stand-back and look at your actions and criticize them, I dont know why youre on this forum. Its also really Ironic that if you asked him these questions that were bothering you, you'd seem less insecure. Insecure people dont want any conflict whatsoever, so they self-sabotage themselves, just like you OP. Hopefully this is constructive to you Well, it might be constructive if you could help me understand your points. I really don't see which part "sounds like" a psycho. Gathering and analyzing info part? Not asking a question if you think the answer seems obvious part? And what exactly do you mean by self-sabotaging? I did not say I don't want "any" conflict whatsoever. I don't want conflicts that I gain nothing from. So what would your ideal secure person do/have done then?
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