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My girlfriend of nearly a year and a half is still in love with her dead boyfriend

obscurereference

By obscurereference
in General Relationship Discussion

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evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

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Posts are impossible to edit, once a response has been received. I've gone back to a post even an hour later, and have been able to edit it, providing nobody has responded or contributed after my post.

 

To edit an existing post, hit the 'alert' button on that specific post, and put in a polite request to Moderators.

Although the alert facility should not be abused, they're actually very flexible guys....

 

She needs to get over him, and you're the fall-back guy.

Regardless of what mitigations you're putting forward to clarify her behaviour and even justify it a little, the fact remains - her attention on him is unhealthy on more levels than one.

Either suggest she get bereavement counselling - and explain to her exactly what your concerns are, and why - or if she will not do this, tell her you cannot carry on being the second option to a guy who's been 6' under for a long time!

 

Ask her to name anything permanent, and when she can't, suggest she mourn the loss of those things too... because everything will go the same way.

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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What? So you think she, deep down, loves this dead bf more than you and you are fine with that? He is way too much a part of your relationship. If you are so fine w/ all this, what's your question?

 

Hold up. I'm not "fine" with it. I'm not enraged either. I understand. I can comprehend the reasons and meanings but I'm not "fine" with it. I'm not responding to this with a happy face... It hurts, like a bitch sometimes. My initial concerns were whether or not it would subside in the future and like tips on how to deal with it or something.

 

I know that it's messed up. It's confusing, especially to me. Actually most of all to her. What i instinctively think is that she doesn't love him more than me. Or at least, not necessarily. She's just so scared of letting go of her perfect prince charming that if she gives him up, and God forbid, something happens to me or with us, she'll have no one left. Feeling like she'd abandon *****.

 

btw, someone told me once that she should burn all his stuff and remembrances. She does plan on doing that once we get all of it. Coz it's... stashed somewhere or something?? I don't know. The point is we don't have access to it. But she's talked about it before.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Excuses....talk=no action. I know she can't bring herself to do it....the proof....just ask to burn what she has now and you will see.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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The real question, OP, is why are you still putting up with it?

 

What is keeping you with her when she obviously isn't putting your relationship first?

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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Do you think your gf is the first to lose a loved one? Men and women lose SPOUSES. Your gf needs therapy, does SHE think her reactions are normal/okay?

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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tell her you can't handle the three of you in this relationship.

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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The real question, OP, is why are you still putting up with it?

 

What is keeping you with her when she obviously isn't putting your relationship first?

 

The hope that she'll get over it someday.

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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tell her you can't handle the three of you in this relationship.

 

But it's not always like that... It's usually insignificant. and like i said, she knows. She hates this just as much as i do, i'm just praying that she'll get over it.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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But it's not always like that... It's usually insignificant. and like i said, she knows. She hates this just as much as i do, i'm just praying that she'll get over it.

 

So how many years are you willing to wait? Have you set a timeline?

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

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The hope that she'll get over it someday.

 

At this rate, even with the counselling you tell us she had, I would seriously estimate you're looking - at least - at another 4 - 6 years.

 

Bear in mind she was only with him for 9 months - this happened years ago - and you've been with her a lot longer.

 

Yup.

I would say that time-line is a CONSERVATIVE estimate. You might even be talking double that.

 

Really??

You are willing to wait that long - and more - for her to move on??

 

Bear in mind that your understanding nature enables her grief, of course.

If you were a little LESS understanding, perhaps she wouldn't take such liberties with your affections

 

I'm not suggesting it's deliberate - but it does give her carte blanche to carry on, because you give her permission to do so, with your relaxed attitude.

 

Part of this is on you.

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