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My girlfriend of nearly a year and a half is still in love with her dead boyfriend

obscurereference

By obscurereference
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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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I've been with my amazing girlfriend for one year and four months now. She had this boyfriend or "has" rather, this boyfriend that was amazing and perfect and handsome and talented and she dated him for 9 months before he died of a stroke. Today is his fourth death anniversary. They were madly in love and promised a lifetime of love together. He was her first love and she lost her virginity to him. She was completely devastated and broken. When I met her it had been three years since his passing and said herself and it seemed to be that she was totally over it. However every significant date (Birthday, Death Anniversary, sometimes Valentines, and even the date of their first time) she totally breaks down into tears and it is unbearable to hear her so sad. At times she'll recall memories of him and tell stories and i swear if you close your eyes it's as if they're still dating only far apart. She tells me all the time that she loves him so much and that she'll love him forever. She tells me that she does love me and will love me forever but him too. Now WE are madly in love in the present, and promise each other a lifetime of love and a future together and growing old together, I love her to bits and i understand all of this. It's not like i'm jealous, NO nothing like that. I love the guy, he was awesome, (i didn't know him) i salute him and i am grateful to him for making my baby so happy for so long. My only problems are 1) So she always uses the term "boyfriend" instead of "ex" coz yeah technically they didn't break up, and "love" not "loved" and all of this is understandable but at times it makes me feel like her man on the side, you know? like a mistress. It's as if she's still dating him and she's kind of cheating on him with me (even she feels that way) especially on the previously named significant dates. Now this makes it difficult for me to say the words "I love you" and "baby" and even more so to kiss her and hug her. I feel so wrong. 2) It provides a point of reference that kind of gives her what i like to call a "silver medal" effect. It's as if she's already won the gold so the silver -- although still precious and envied by MANY -- she isn't really as excited about. There are some times when she'll say something along the lines of "If it was (let's say his name was Jack -- it wasn't) Jack, he would've said blah blah blah" and that relationship is her point of reference to what love should feel like and she keeps saying that there's no more (basically honeymoon phase) and she finds it boring at times because well that's the only love she ever knew. 3) it makes me concerned. It wasn't until recently that i started to get a little scared for myself. Now to explain, i always tackled this issue in my head by thinking that she'll get over him in time and life will be normal, blah blah blah, BUT recently i've began to wonder "what if she never does?" i mean the heart can't have room for two, can it? I mean even if we do get married which i hope we do, it will never be normal, right? I mean i think about the same situation put into my life all the time and if she died i honestly don't think i could ever be with anyone else. Or at least i wouldn't date until i am absolutely sure that i'm ready (which would be a long ass time). The point is, what happens in the end? I mean will she still be viewing it as she's still dating him (because she literally says that if asked) when we're 80? It's really scary.

Overall, the worst part is i feel terrible for her more than i'm sad about myself. If it was possible i would wish him to have woken up from his coma that day and she'd never had met me. She would've been happier. My point to this question, what i want, is how do i deal with this and IS IT POSSIBLE FOR HER TO LOVE BOTH OF US FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES? or will she eventually move on?

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

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Sorry but I think she doesn't need a relationship right now. Rather individual counseling to help her get over this. It's alright to grieve, but constantly making references about what he would have said and stuff like that just goes too far. Also, the fact that she calls him boyfriend still is making it obvious that she's far from over him.

 

 

You're basically the rebound of a dead guy (R.I.P. nonetheless).

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acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

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She isn't ready to move on. I could understand if you got together a month after he died or something, but it's not really particularly 'usual' to be grieving still so strongly four years later. I mean, it is in some scenarios when you lose somebody, but personally having been through grief myself and seen others going through grief, it generally settles down by this point.

 

If she's still bringing him up constantly and sobbing on all of the major occasions then I'm sorry to say I don't think she's really ready to date yet. It's possible that your relationship is even delaying her grieving process because she feels weird about having moved on, like she's cheating on him.

 

I understand your concerns and I too wouldn't want a relationship with a man still grieving so hard for his deceased ex, there wouldn't be room in his heart until he had moved past that. To feel down on anniversaries and still visit the grave is normal, even to write about it or talk to friends when it gets you down, but to sob to your now boyfriend (who is a longer relationship than with the ex) is kinda an indicator that she's not ready to date.

 

If you want to stay with her then I would strongly suggest some bereavement counselling, it helped me a million when my Mother died four years ago. If she is unwilling to look into this kind of support then I would really start reducing your expectations as to the future of the relationship. It's not just about how she is feeling and coping, it's now about how it's starting to affect you (feeling second best). Maybe you could have a quiet word with her, explain your feelings and ask her if she can start to talk to others about her loss instead of you, because you feel it's starting to cause issues. Be empathetic, calm, reassure her you're not trying to say she can't or shouldn't grieve anymore, but that you're worried how huge a part of her life he still seems to play. I mean, they weren't married for decades with kids, they dated for nine months. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been a horrible loss, especially a first love, but she may not be aware that it's now starting to ruin something amazing she has in the present.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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She needs to go to a grief counselor so she can learn to face it, and then let him go, simple as that. I think it's not him she is grieving over but what he represented. Once she goes through counseling, she will have the tools to deal with all these emotions, and be able to have them dissipate.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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She is not anywhere near ready to move on. She is still in love with her boyfriend. See, he has one advantage you will never have: Now that he's gone, she is idealizing him and only can remember the good things about him. So now he is "perfect" where I'm sure he never was before. I don't see sticking around waiting for her to stop. She's always going to love him. But people can love more than one person. She's just not ready to. She has to complete her mourning process and let the memories fade some and it may take years. I think you should give her space now for at least a couple of years. Sorry.

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Mr Scorpio Established Member

Mr Scorpio

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I feel like a jerk for saying this, but you'll have a better chance of getting more advice if you break your post up into paragraphs OP. A wall of text is not an inviting read.

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CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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You need to break up with her; she hasn't moved on and isn't ready to be in another relationship.

 

And she may not be ready for several years...

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Don't compete with her deceased boyfriend. He is part of her past and she will always love him. Accept that and just know that she does love you!

 

But, with that said, if she is comparing you to him, talking about him too much and keeping his memory alive in her daily life, then you need to reassess your relationship with her and she may not be ready to commit to anybody if she can't let go of him and move on with her life.

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gaius Established Member

gaius

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Pick an ex girlfriend of yours and start mourning over your lost relationship with her everytime she starts mourning over him.

Snaggletooth Established Member

Snaggletooth

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Don't compete with her deceased boyfriend. He is part of her past and she will always love him. Accept that and just know that she does love you!

 

But, with that said, if she is comparing you to him, talking about him too much and keeping his memory alive in her daily life, then you need to reassess your relationship with her and she may not be ready to commit to anybody if she can't let go of him and move on with her life.

 

Agreed.

 

Obscure, I got together with my ex about four years after my wife died. Everything about my wife went. No keepsakes, no photos, no reminders. She was barely ever mentioned. It was my past and stayed in the past. I dealt with it before I made a new start. It wouldn't have been fair on my ex any other way.

 

You don't have to abandon her, not if she is willing to get help for herself, but you do need to stop enabling her. This man no longer exists, he is a memory, a ghost, he's not real, a dream, a fantasy. She needs to accept that and mourn, not keep him alive for an imaginary affair with an ex.

 

As for saying she would have happier with him, cut that out, it's no way to talk about yourself. Don't buy into the fantasy of the perfect man she has built in her head. You are being more to your woman than can reasonably be expected. Despite the past it can't be all about her. She's not a child and she has an adult responsibility to help both herself and you if she wants a relationship with you.

newmoon Established Member

newmoon

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could it be that she is in some way responsible for his death, in the sense that she wasn't there for him? wasn't by his side for appointments? or when he died in the hospital or wherever? etc. after this amount of time it could be not only grief but residual guilt that she never did/said something before he died. personally, if they only dated 9 months she is over *him* but not over the grief that came with it. i would assume there is probably much more to the story that she is keeping from you. since you can never get the details from him it's always going to be her side and what she chooses to share. she might be "undersharing" about what they had. something more meaningful might have existed between them that you'll never know. pregnancy, engagement plans, etc. it's endless, the possibilities. but she's not over the death by what you are describing.

Thegreatestthing Established Member

Thegreatestthing

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You are being very understanding and supportive,you should know that she might never let him go but that doesn't mean she can't also have a happy life with you,just be patient with her and let her talk about ,people we truly live never die for us you just gave to hope she has emotional room for you,

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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I feel like a jerk for saying this, but you'll have a better chance of getting more advice if you break your post up into paragraphs OP. A wall of text is not an inviting read.

 

It's fine dude i TOTALLY AGREE. It was like 1 am and i was really tired. But if you could let me know how to edit it that would be great :)

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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It's fine dude i TOTALLY AGREE. It was like 1 am and i was really tired. But if you could let me know how to edit it that would be great :)

 

It is too late to edit an existing post, but take it as an adviso for future posts.

 

But have you no comment about the advice which has been given?

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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First of all, thank you for all of your support and advice. It helps :)

 

Second of all, I am totally new to using forums although I often read 'em so if someone could help me figure out how to edit my initial post because i do agree that i should've made it a paragraph but it was at like 1 am and i was really tired and a little distressed.

 

Anyway, i'm sorry, feel i may have been a bit hasty with the details, let me address this in bullets.

 

  • Daily involvement of ex in my girlfriend's life - left out that it's not that often... It's more of she'll say his name (in a contextual sentence of course) about twice a month maybe. She doesn't really compare us like I say something then "Oh, ***** would've said this, which would've been sweeter" NO man. hahaha She's not heartless. So yeah, it's not that constant.
  • Mourning, sobbing, etc. - When he died, she was -- okay broken is an understatement -- she had to go to therapy for two years (i think) because she was suicidal and cried herself to sleep for three months after his death. Since then she hasn't been to therapy but she keeps telling me she wants to again, and i encourage that. Also she doesn't really "sob" that much. I've only heard her sob twice (guy's birthday and anniversary). The rest of the times is more of her tearing up and her voice cracks a little, and she can't really talk that straight anymore.
  • Talking to friends instead of me - the messed up thing here is that I'm kind of the only person that really understands. Like there must be a total of three people she talks to about him, one is like the wisest guy i have ever known and he's good and all but he get's kind of too black and white, and all logic-like, but in a bad way, you know? The second is a good friend of ours, and then there's me. So the reason being, is because with all of her and our friends that she tries to talk to about this, she always gets the same response give or take. "Well you shouldn't be focusing so much on him, you have a boyfriend now and you need to see that he's here NOW". Although true, and i thank them for the support, i know that this isn't what she wants to hear and it just makes it harder and sadder for her. So she ends up not talking to those people. IDK, she's kind of stubborn in a weird way. weird because she'll only listen to someone that sounds like a therapist. i.e. my friend, a psychology student, our other friend, a philosophy student, and me... well... someone who is very fond of and reads about philosophy and psychology.
  • Calling him boyfriend - the context is this: Someone sees picture of them. "Who's that?" "My boyfriend... (10 seconds of silence and WTF from other party) he died four years ago." "I thought Obscurereference is your boyfriend?" "He is."
  • Guilt - Yeah she kinda got mad at him the day he was brought into the E.R. (but i think they still talked afterwards???) They were texting, and he told her to wait for a few mins because he had a headache. Several hours past and she thought he just forgot about her, so she got kinda mad. As it turned out he had a stroke.

 

Again, thank you, and please ask more questions if necessary :) i want this to be a discussion, not a question and answer.

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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Just did man :)

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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She isn't ready to move on. I could understand if you got together a month after he died or something, but it's not really particularly 'usual' to be grieving still so strongly four years later. I mean, it is in some scenarios when you lose somebody, but personally having been through grief myself and seen others going through grief, it generally settles down by this point.

 

If she's still bringing him up constantly and sobbing on all of the major occasions then I'm sorry to say I don't think she's really ready to date yet. It's possible that your relationship is even delaying her grieving process because she feels weird about having moved on, like she's cheating on him.

 

I understand your concerns and I too wouldn't want a relationship with a man still grieving so hard for his deceased ex, there wouldn't be room in his heart until he had moved past that. To feel down on anniversaries and still visit the grave is normal, even to write about it or talk to friends when it gets you down, but to sob to your now boyfriend (who is a longer relationship than with the ex) is kinda an indicator that she's not ready to date.

 

If you want to stay with her then I would strongly suggest some bereavement counselling, it helped me a million when my Mother died four years ago. If she is unwilling to look into this kind of support then I would really start reducing your expectations as to the future of the relationship. It's not just about how she is feeling and coping, it's now about how it's starting to affect you (feeling second best). Maybe you could have a quiet word with her, explain your feelings and ask her if she can start to talk to others about her loss instead of you, because you feel it's starting to cause issues. Be empathetic, calm, reassure her you're not trying to say she can't or shouldn't grieve anymore, but that you're worried how huge a part of her life he still seems to play. I mean, they weren't married for decades with kids, they dated for nine months. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been a horrible loss, especially a first love, but she may not be aware that it's now starting to ruin something amazing she has in the present.

 

Thanks :) Check out my post that says dear everybody blah blah blah. i think i've answered any questions or it suffices as a reply to your post. Anyway, yeah i totally agree with pretty much everything you've said. It's what most people say to me. And she does want to go back to therapy again, but it's expensive. And like i said, although it was only 9 months, they were pretty damn in love. Like another thing she'll RARELY say is "I wonder what our baby would've looked like" and that they should've gotten pregnant so that she could keep a piece of him with her. keep in mind, she's only said this like three times i think.

 

And she totally knows how i feel. She even apologizes sometimes for talking about him too much, and she doesn't have to really. She misses him, i understand. At no point and in no way do i ever discourage her talking about him.

Edited by obscurereference
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I think she should try a grief support group and talk to others who are going through the same thing, possibly wouldn't cost anything or very little. Something else....I feel she should go in for a proper diagnosis, it's depression that keeps fueling this and she may need drug therapy or it needs to be changed. It's been years now and normal people move on.

 

Not all therapist are the same. If there isn't much improvement, go find another on. So many people give up rather than seek out better help.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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I don't think it's odd she cries on his bday/anniversary. I don't think it's odd she chokes up when she talks about him.

 

I do think it's odd she refers to him as "my boyfriend..." *weird look from other people* "he died 4 years ago"

 

I would ask her to stop that! Have you asked her why she refers to him as "my boyfriend" in that context? Why can't she say "a friend"? Also how does he come up in convo w/ strangers/acquaintences anyway?

 

the I wish I'd gotten preg by him thing might be a dealbreaker combined w/ the "my boyfriend" I have to say...........

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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For me I would never start dating anyone that was so hung up on an ex dead or alive. I would gracefully say, you take care now, and leave.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I don't think she is mentally stable IMO. Counseling for two years, attempted suicide, continually cries on his birthday or whatever anniversary.....that spells nut job.

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obscurereference New Member

obscurereference

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I don't think it's odd she cries on his bday/anniversary. I don't think it's odd she chokes up when she talks about him.

 

I do think it's odd she refers to him as "my boyfriend..." *weird look from other people* "he died 4 years ago"

 

I would ask her to stop that! Have you asked her why she refers to him as "my boyfriend" in that context? Why can't she say "a friend"? Also how does he come up in convo w/ strangers/acquaintences anyway?

 

the I wish I'd gotten preg by him thing might be a dealbreaker combined w/ the "my boyfriend" I have to say...........

 

She talks about him like that because technically they never broke up so she feels like it's weird and wrong to call him an ex. Plus, she promised him that she would love him forever, and she always will, so she's kinda just keeping that promise.

 

It comes up usually by them seeing a picture on her phone or online coz there are a lot. OR if it just so happens she can interject a story of his or theirs in the conversation that she's having. For example: "Oh that happened once with *****" "Who's that?" so on and so forth.

 

I don't have to ask her to stop, she knows exactly how i feel about everything and there's nothing I'm hiding or that she doesn't know. She apologizes to me whenever she knows I'm getting a little hurt or feeling weird about it. In fact more often than about him, she cries to me about how she's so sorry that she's so "messed up" and "screwed up" (her words) like that, and that she wishes that she didn't have to put me through all of this. One time she told me that somewhere deep inside, she kind of wishes we met in a universe before she met him, because she used to be really sweet and hopelessly romantic like me (not that she isn't now) but the guy's death kind of broke her. So now she's still sweet and romantic, she's the sweetest person i know but she's more hardened now. "This is what life is like" "Life's no fairytale" "happy endings are for children's books and disney movies" that old chestnut.

 

I have to mention, once she told me that she loved me more than him, which was such a huge deal for ALL of our friends and me that i cried either because i knew she was lying (but maybe she didn't know she was) or because she cared so much that she told me that to make me feel happy. All my friends agreed that she was -- not necessary lying, but blinded by guilt -- except for my philosophy student friend who was all like "you never know".

 

BTW I in NO WAY WHATSOEVER, intend to make my girlfriend sound like a bitch or a crazy person or like she's demanding. I love her with all of my heart and i know she loves me. So please refrain from criticizing her in a hurtful manner :) I just had to say this because APPARENTLY I'm "really nice" and i have this uncanny ability to make people look like bitches or ass holes by comparison or something without an ounce of my intention.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Your passiveness is your blindness.

Tayken Established Member

Tayken

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@OP....That is not going to change anytime soon, so you have to ask yourself if you are ready for the constant emotional baggage. I was dated a woman who felt this way about her dog, I didn't stick around.

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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She talks about him like that because technically they never broke up so she feels like it's weird and wrong to call him an ex. Plus, she promised him that she would love him forever, and she always will, so she's kinda just keeping that promise.

 

Okay so when she is 60 years old will she still call him "my boyfriend"? It's ridiculous and needs to end at some point. If she tells you she'll love you forever does that mean she is bound to YOU forever?

 

I don't have to ask her to stop, she knows exactly how i feel about everything and there's nothing I'm hiding or that she doesn't know. She apologizes to me whenever she knows I'm getting a little hurt or feeling weird about it. In fact more often than about him, she cries to me about how she's so sorry that she's so "messed up" and "screwed up" (her words) like that, and that she wishes that she didn't have to put me through all of this.

 

She's not emotionally healthy.

 

 

I have to mention, once she told me that she loved me more than him, which was such a huge deal for ALL of our friends and me that i cried either because i knew she was lying (but maybe she didn't know she was) or because she cared so much that she told me that to make me feel happy. All my friends agreed that she was -- not necessary lying, but blinded by guilt -- except for my philosophy student friend who was all like "you never know".

 

What? So you think she, deep down, loves this dead bf more than you and you are fine with that? He is way too much a part of your relationship. If you are so fine w/ all this, what's your question?

 

BTW I in NO WAY WHATSOEVER, intend to make my girlfriend sound like a bitch or a crazy person or like she's demanding. I love her with all of my heart and i know she loves me. So please refrain from criticizing her in a hurtful manner :) I just had to say this because APPARENTLY I'm "really nice" and i have this uncanny ability to make people look like bitches or ass holes by comparison or something without an ounce of my intention.

 

she doesn't sound like a bitch, she sounds like someone who isn't ready to date.

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