Trying to accept there is nothing I can hear from him that will make it better

[herself]

See above post on why it is not my immediate priority to get a new job. It's not just a job, it's my career.

 

 

Yes, reading through here, as I stated in my original post, I see the exact same lies over and over. Why I fell for them is probably because of my own stupidity and low self-esteem. I have chosen to do the right thing after some time participating in the wrong thing. I am looking for support on how to feel okay again.

 

As for me, I'm taking my career to a new city and state nearly 10 hours away.

My ea lasted 14 years with a former colleague.

I am so glad I'm getting away from him, the city, the memories and triggers.

I need a drastic change. You may not be able to move job (career) tommorow but that means its the same for him then.

But I would try everything to get out of there.

A fresh start imo is whats needed for all involved. Best wishes I certainly empathize with your pain and hope the healing process gets easier soon.

For now change every routine you can to avoid him.

For instance I love Starbucks...live for it...my xeap used to meet there for cofee. When A ended I never ever went there again...actually I dont go to ANY.

I dont wear the same clothes, drive the same routes, look at the same website, closed my email. Gotta be deliberate at shields that keep your heart greiving, hoping, and wishing.

Thought I would DIE at first. Now...glad its over. Most days anyways.

[Hope Shimmers]

Huh? Do some nice things for yourself each and every day!

 

If you don't treat yourself well - why should anyone else?

 

Take a bath. Buy flowers. Cook yourself a nice meal.

 

Every day is an opportunity to be good to yourself!

 

Agree with this.

 

Don't waste a week - every day is a gift. You WILL start feeling that way again.

[descend]

It's a bad place to be in. It's painful and it will take time for the feelings die down.

 

YOu asked where to go from here?

 

Firstly, do not go back near the xMM or his wife. Leave them be. It's none of your business . Walk away and you are the winner. Imagine being stuck with a douche bag like him for the rest of your life????

 

Secondly , realise that what is or is not happening with them no longer matters to your life.

 

Resolve to let go of the situation altogether and never go back there. I always think some counselling is a great idea, even a couple of sessions.

 

Get yourself a new job if you have to. Other people have done it in the circumstances. It might just have to be a consequence of your actions.

 

Take good care of yourself and don't think I am being harsh on you. It took me 6 years to get out of the mess I was in. It would be awful to see you waste that many years.

 

Poppy

 

 

I am walking away and yes, I am glad that this was a relatively short story for me.

 

 

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on what if's and such. But in the beginning, when we first met, we really hit it off as friends since we shared so many common interests. Early on, I had asked him if he'd like to have a casual date with his wife and me and my then boyfriend. I figured if he is such an awesome person, his wife has got to be as well. He gave me some silly excuse as to why she wouldn't have interest in going out. It was shortly after that that he opened up about working towards separation. And then the rest is well.... like all the other stories out there. I don't know why I just wrote that, but it was just something I've been thinking about.

[eye of the storm]

Descend,

 

I worked with a guy I could not stand. The reasons were vast and varied. But I was stuck on a two person team with him that involved a lot of travel and alone time with him. How I handled it was I became a calm emotionless professional whenever I was near him. I did that because then nobody could accuse me of feeding the drama, nobody could accuse me of refusing to work with him, all they could do was wonder why my personality changed so much when he was near.

 

I should not have had to deal with his venom but I did. You should not have to deal with the guy who lied to you and did everything he could to suck you into a PA. And lets be real, if you had been willing, it would have been a PA.

 

But the fact is you do, currently, have to work with him. So, be overly calm, overly professional, overly emotionless with him. Eventually, you won't care about him. It will take a while, but it will happen. Just fake it till you make it.

[Lady2163]

It is dangerous to be friends with a married man you might be attracted to, it is even more dangerous if they are unhappy at home. You already know this.

 

I had a married man at work I was not the least bit attracted to, but I was a kind person and I was his boss. I gave him a promotion, he got some confidence and self respect and soon became very attached to me. He was miserable at home, he never had a good day, he was a downer.

 

After years of listening to the same arguments, I finally told him he had three choices.

 

1. Accept the way things were and make no change

2. Get joint or individual counseling

3. Separate or get a divorce

 

Eventually, when I was no longer in the picture as a boss, friend or imaginary option for him, he got a divorce. He did pursue me a lot and it got tough for me to be around him since I felt like spending any time with him was leading him on.

 

In theory, he may very well have had a one sided EA with me before the divorce.

[descend]

I'm glad I received so much advice here, thanks to everyone! Today was not terrible. I had a lot to take care of at work, so that kept me tied up and out of his way for the most part.

 

 

A mutual good morning was exchanged first thing when I walked in while other colleagues were around. A bit later when I found myself within his 5ft radius, he asked me how my weekend was. I answered fine and walked back to my office.

 

 

Lunch time, he saw me putting on my coat, and asked what I was doing for lunch. I just said errands and left.

 

 

I didn't even have to worry about later afternoon....had no interaction at all.

 

 

It was not easy, but I got through, and I'll just have to take it day by day for now.

[jellybean89]

good for you - you did great.

 

You shut down any chance of him to worm himself back into your daily interactions.

 

You can do this.

[descend]

Made it through today with just good morning.

 

 

Still feeling quite down though, can't eat, my mind keeps wandering, and I get panicky when I know I'll be in his presence.

 

 

I'm still thinking irrationally that he still wants me and loves me. I miss his friendship a lot.

 

 

I wouldn't change it though, I know it's best to continue this process of healing. Getting my CV updated and networking for possible job opportunities.

[gettingstronger]

Good for you! I am sure its tough but you are doing all the right things- keep on keeping on-

[FusionCutter]

Made it through today with just good morning.

 

 

Still feeling quite down though, can't eat, my mind keeps wandering, and I get panicky when I know I'll be in his presence.

 

 

I'm still thinking irrationally that he still wants me and loves me. I miss his friendship a lot.

 

 

I wouldn't change it though, I know it's best to continue this process of healing. Getting my CV updated and networking for possible job opportunities.

 

You're doing awesome. Seriously. Everytime you get a 'craving' or urge or whatever, stay on the path. Think of his wife.

[Cupidious]

May be understanding why do men cheat could help. Rather than critisizing people I personally always try to understand them. Its just my way of thinking.

 

I have try to put together all the reasons why would a men cheat, let me know if that helps.

7 reasons why do men cheat and how not to be cheated

[descend]

So today, I made eye contact with him....longer than the quick hello kind or common courtesy regarding a work situation kind. He looked terrible. He had tears welling up in his eyes. I asked him if he was okay. He said no.

 

 

I gave him a few minutes to say what he had to say. It was a sincere apology to me that he was sorry for everything he put me through, and giving me hope of a relationship. He said something along the lines that its hard for him to see me taking things so well and he still has feelings for me. He also recited the typical lines I've read around here....he knows he will regret staying with his wife, he is only staying because he is afraid that wife will limit his time with the kids, he will get counseling for his issues along with MC. He told me the house sold, so now they are on the search for a new home and that it has been a whirlwind since D Day.

 

 

Of course a million thoughts and questions are going through my mind. I told him I really appreciate his apology, and that he doesn't have to worry about my feelings any more.

 

 

I wanted to say....wtf??? You are just going to sell and buy a new house and sweep this all under the rug for now?! And you are worried that I'm taking this well??

 

 

I don't want to speculate or make assumptions about his home life, because obviously it was a lie to me from the start. But I can't help the thoughts....probably a way for me to keep some kind of hope alive. Why the hell would I want hope for this!?! I don't. I really don't. I will fake it till I make it. I must be doing okay at the faking since his comment about how well I'm taking this. And I didn't let out a single tear today too, which probably made it all the more convincing. While I'm dying inside, reading everything I possibly can here to stay strong and do the right thing.

[FusionCutter]

Accept his apology and move on. There's no more reason to talk to him. You're doing phenomenally well.

 

Let go in love. Feel sorry for him and move on. He's responsible for his own life and he's making his own choices for his own happiness. You are doing the same for yourself. If he gets emotional, don't get emotional. Take a deep breath. Detach. You're doing the best thing for him and more importantly, for yourself. Your response to him was perfect. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

[descend]

Accept his apology and move on. There's no more reason to talk to him. You're doing phenomenally well.

 

Let go in love. Feel sorry for him and move on. He's responsible for his own life and he's making his own choices for his own happiness. You are doing the same for yourself. If he gets emotional, don't get emotional. Take a deep breath. Detach. You're doing the best thing for him and more importantly, for yourself. Your response to him was perfect. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

 

 

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! I thought I may have done the wrong thing by even hearing him out. I ordered some books from Amazon about letting go. I can't wait for them to get here. I like that....what you wrote...."let go in love."

[FusionCutter]

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! I thought I may have done the wrong thing by even hearing him out. I ordered some books from Amazon about letting go. I can't wait for them to get here. I like that....what you wrote...."let go in love."

 

You're welcome. A lot of people struggle and hurt badly in these situations. I just figure if I can help a stranger along, then my own crazy hurt wasn't in vain.

 

Yes. You can let go in hatred, but that's a reflection of your inner self. It's the prospect of a potential relationship that really stings and hurts, isn't it? I mean, if he was honest to you, himself, and his wife from the beginning, none of this would have happened.

 

Don't try and avoid the hurt and pain, that will only lead to possible re-ignition of the affair.

 

The trick is not minding that it hurts. Grin and bear it. Embrace is fully and let it hurt you. Then recover from it.

 

I commend you for seeking out literature. Haha. You kind of remind me of myself. I recommend you read these 3 books cover to cover - I think you'll greatly benefit as to how you got yourself in your situation.

 

The Human Magnet Syndrome - Ross Rossenberg

Codependent No More - How to start caring for yourself - Melody Beattie

The Willpower Instinct - Kelly McGonigal

 

Good luck, Happy Reading. You're doing so great. Remember. The faster you get out of this, the sooner you can have a EA and PA with someone who's willing to only cheat on no-one , and it will feel utterly awesome .

[descend]

 

I commend you for seeking out literature. Haha. You kind of remind me of myself. I recommend you read these 3 books cover to cover - I think you'll greatly benefit as to how you got yourself in your situation.

 

The Human Magnet Syndrome - Ross Rossenberg

Codependent No More - How to start caring for yourself - Melody Beattie

The Willpower Instinct - Kelly McGonigal

 

Good luck, Happy Reading. You're doing so great. Remember. The faster you get out of this, the sooner you can have a EA and PA with someone who's willing to only cheat on no-one , and it will feel utterly awesome .

 

 

Yes, the one by Melody Beattie I did order. I will check out the other two as well. I tracked my shipment, and it says Saturday for delivery date. I was upset about it being so long, and then I realized it's already Thursday! Only one more day of work....and I made it through the week!

 

 

Today went fine. I find myself continuing to question why I did not just leave what we had as a friendship? He initiated the I love you, you are so perfect for me, where have you been all my life bull poop. I could have just laughed it off and told him he was crazy and that we were only meant to be friends. Well, I can go on and on....but I'm hoping I'll find some answers in my books, haha. I can't wait to feel utterly awesome sometime in the near future.

[FusionCutter]

Yes, the one by Melody Beattie I did order. I will check out the other two as well. I tracked my shipment, and it says Saturday for delivery date. I was upset about it being so long, and then I realized it's already Thursday! Only one more day of work....and I made it through the week!

 

 

Today went fine. I find myself continuing to question why I did not just leave what we had as a friendship? He initiated the I love you, you are so perfect for me, where have you been all my life bull poop. I could have just laughed it off and told him he was crazy and that we were only meant to be friends. Well, I can go on and on....but I'm hoping I'll find some answers in my books, haha. I can't wait to feel utterly awesome sometime in the near future.

 

You had poor boundaries and didn't take responsibility for your own emotions. Only entrust your emotions to someone who entrusts theirs to you. That's all. I'm fully convinced now that one can change their life by seeking help through literature and talking to professionals. Chalk it up to a mistake and a life experience. Remember, don't worry about him and worry about yourself. Don't worry about what goes on in his head, you'll never be able to understand it. Just worry about what goes on in your mind and heart. Keep thinking about his poor wife. If he wants to wrong her, you do NOT have to participate.

 

These things are like dealing with runaway trains. Without the proper tools, they are crazy hard to stop because the emotions are irrational and insane, and ultimately lead to disaster if not handled correctly. Good luck. You're doing super well .

Edited November 7, 2014 by FusionCutter

[descend]

 

If someone takes a stand and says it's black and white. Affairs are wrong. And then deals with them accordingly, then they simply wouldn't continue. Descent can admit what she's did was wrong, and that's why she's on the path of getting out. Prior to that she was creating this view for herself that MM is a good man and that delusion allowed things to progress the way it did. Fortunately, she never went PA and she's smart. The problem with a lot of affairs is both people involved are immaturely lying to themselves, to each other, and to spouses. Once either party can see that their behavior is incredibly destructive, immature and irrational, it becomes easier to end.

 

Usually OW that are suffering are unwilling to take responsibility for their own happiness, and MM are unable or unwilling to take responsible for his own actions. At worst, he's unable to see his actions are incredibly hurtful and instead, may believe he's being loving or benevolent.

 

It's incredible what lengths human beings will go to lie to themselves to justify inappropriate behavior. In this case I think Descend is doing amazing.

 

 

So true! I usually don't like looking at things in black and white....but in this case it really makes sense. I can tell by your words that you have put much effort into becoming the person you want to be. I'm working on that myself.

[bathtub-row]

Seeing a man tear up would really hit me hard. I can see why you were shaken. Why can't you just say that maybe the things he said to you were true, that he really does love you but he isn't willing to change his life?

 

I tend to think that the reason affairs are a bad idea are for more than the obvious reasons. They hurt a lot of people and create a lot of confusion. Walk away in love and know that you don't want the sadness that an affair will bring to you. Once you get clear on that, it makes your stance that much easier. I see my xMM quite a bit and even though he really touches my heart, I couldn't go back to that stuff ever again.

[descend]

Seeing a man tear up would really hit me hard. I can see why you were shaken. Why can't you just say that maybe the things he said to you were true, that he really does love you but he isn't willing to change his life?

 

I tend to think that the reason affairs are a bad idea are for more than the obvious reasons. They hurt a lot of people and create a lot of confusion. Walk away in love and know that you don't want the sadness that an affair will bring to you. Once you get clear on that, it makes your stance that much easier. I see my xMM quite a bit and even though he really touches my heart, I couldn't go back to that stuff ever again.

 

 

 

 

You are right and I agree. You are the second person to say walk away in love. And so far, I think we both have done that.

 

 

It is really hard for me though. The emotions are definitely confusing. One minute I'm happy for him and wishing the best for him and his family and feel like I'm doing the right thing. Next minute I'm pissed about how he wronged me. Wronged his wife. I get bursts of jealousy and bitterness towards his wife, and I don't even know her. Then I'm saddened by the loss of our close bond and miss our friendship. Then I feel guilty that I participated in this A at all and I feel bad for his wife because she doesn't know the truth. Then I think to myself, he is lucky I'm not a crazy b**** and tell his wife the truth.

 

 

And all of that makes me sort of crazy anyway. All while I'm keeping my game face on at work. I hear him talking about the new home they are buying, the new school the kids will be going to and it just makes me cringe because as of a couple weeks ago he was saying "2015 will be our year." I notice things like he isn't wearing his ring at work....Is he putting back on before he goes home? I know I should not care and it is not of my concern. Their business is not my business.

 

 

I'd rather share these irrational thoughts here, than have desperate attempts at trying to make him understand how f**** up all of this is. Thankfully I've read many stories here in time to sway myself from going that route.

 

 

Thanks for your reply, it is truly appreciated.

[Justme19]

Working with your AP is hard. You run into each other and for me it seemed like we saw one another at times we normally wouldn't - once the NC began. You are doing great.

I thought changing jobs would be good and I still do- but I don't think I "have" to. It is as much my career as it may be his. If I find a better opp then I am on it- in the meantime, I know I am good at what I do, I like the team I am on, and will stay if it works out to be in my best interest. In the meantime- remind yourself- his life is not your issue. It doesn't matter at this point. He is married and it is up to him to figure out what to do if he is unhappy.

Don't discount you showed him a happy place- but it really is up to him to decide if he can walk away. In my case- 4 kids- 2 in college, 1 HS senior and a freshman in HS. Still couldn't leave "for the kids". Men rethink where they are as much as we do. Let him go and know he needs to come to terms on his own. Typically they stay- it's easier- cheaper- and there's always another 'stand in' (you) if they need to break away for a bit. Not trying to be harsh- but real. Stay strong.

He lied but perhaps meant it when he was with you. Men can easily be one way when alone and totally do the family/united/smiley/ appearances stuff you don't even know when home. Don't think he didn't mean it but he is where he is for a reason. His choice.

[descend]

It's been almost 3 weeks since I've stopped talking to exMM. It is so much easier this week than it has been. I've found ways to avoid him at work as much as feasible. At times when I've felt weak, like I just wanted to make small talk, I went and made small talk with someone else. I still do think about him but it mostly leads to anger with myself for being so naïve. I'm starting to question what I ever did see in him to begin with, even if he hadn't have lied about the divorce. I don't see us having worked out long term.

 

 

That being said, I just want to get through the Holidays, spend time with close friends and family. After the New Year, I will think about making an effort to put myself out there and date. We'll see how it goes.