WhatIsLove2014 Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 I never got my question answered...but is this guy even your BF? Or are yall just casual dating? Have yall discussed it? Maybe that could be the reason why things aren't moving like you like.
BluEyeL Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 I never got my question answered...but is this guy even your BF? Or are yall just casual dating? Have yall discussed it? Maybe that could be the reason why things aren't moving like you like. Yes, good question. Has he expressed that he's your boyfriend? Is he talking about long term plans? Is he saying things referring to how he plans to have you in his life for a long time? Has he ever said synonimous of "I love you", such as "you have my heart", "I'm crazy about you", or similar? Generally, actions do speak louder than words, but if words are avoided it could point to the man having a reason not to say them. Generally, men don't want to lie. I wouldn't get hung up on the I love you, but I'd listen to other things he says in conjunction to what he does, because they are usually an indication of what's going on in his mind.
heartshaped Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 I truly appreciate your perspective heartshaped, and I see that reading my previous threads here help you come to that conclusion. I am not trying to say things are rosy now between us but we did end up talking between when i wrote those posts and now. things are a lot better. I didn't think those threads were especially relevant (more on that below). I know he's emotionally stunted when it comes to romantic intimacy (and that I overreact prematurely). It took me some time to realize that and I made lots of posts here before that. I'm happy to say that he's getting more vocal about his feelings, and initializes 80% of it these days. We'll have to agree to disagree that he's not into me. I may be more into him, or at least more vocal than him, but I am a true believer in "actions over words" because I am more like that myself. Those threads are old. It's not like I posted one two days ago and one three days ago. There's been more than a month in between those threads and this thread. People change. People have conversations. That's what we did in between my threads and we clarified a lot of issues/concerns that I had relating to what was brought up in my two previous threads about him. Sorry (but not really) that I didn't update LS with all of the nuances of how things developed...I was busy living my life, spending time with him before i left and traveling to another country that I didn't have time or a desire to post here about something i didn't need feedback on. I let the threads die and there was no reason to resurrect them for this thread, and I even say in the beginning of this thread (and a later post, in this thread) that he isn't very verbally expressive and we talked about past issues. You are more than welcome to search through my old threads, which is what you did, if you think it will help "to give the best feedback" but i like to keep things brief and relevant and not waste people's time because I don't think my issues are so grave and urgent that they require me to actually link to every single posting about him. ****, I don't have time for that! also "actions speak louder than words" and "actions speak volumes" mean the same thing...whether the actions themselves are good or bad is a different [but irrelevant IMO] component... so i don't know what you're getting at it with that, and i am not sure that you know what you're saying either?!?!? Well, I think your other threads are relevant in one of two ways either they prove that he does in fact of a problem with emotional intimacy since you've been writing about similar instances of this from this man pretty much since you've met or it proves that he just isn't that into you. From what you've written here in this thread it's really hard for anyone to draw an accurate conclusion because you haven't provided much information other than you said you loved him and he didn't reply. You didn't say how long you'd been dating, whether this was your first time saying it, other instances where he's had trouble with emotional intimacy, etc. But I'm starting to get the feeling your thing is you know something is off in your relationship, you refuse to see, and you come here looking for people to reassure you. I'm not that person. I'll bet you a dollar that this ends eventually over the precise thing you keep posting about because whether it's that he's just not that into you or the fact he's emotionally stunted, it gets to you. If it didn't you wouldn't keep making threads about it.
Tayken Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 Generally, men don't want to lie. And most of us don't...that way we are able to sleep at night.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2014 Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) OP, your past threads are indeed relevant. For two primary reasons: 1) They were not posted all that long ago. A month isn't really "old" 2) It's the same issue - his level of commitment and interest in you. I think you're going on the defensive because you're not hearing the responses you were hoping for and maybe you feel attacked. But girl, you have to be honest with yourself: people (ie. your boyfriend) don't tend to change radically in such a short time (ie. from your previous post until now) You say things are better, yet here you are again. It went from him going MIA when you said you missed him, to you saying "I love you" and him replying "yeah..." There is a problem in this relationship. Peel away the situational context, and you'll see the underlying issue is the same as it was before: You're really into him, and he's not on the same page. Edited November 1, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author MissTrudy Posted November 1, 2014 Author Posted November 1, 2014 Sorry I'm coming across as defensive. I feel like a few people are attacking me, but I knew when I created this thread that I was probably overreacting, and that I'd get called out on it quite a bit. I post here instead of getting emotional and overreacting in person and i think that's better, no one of course has to respond to my posts but i do appreciate all of the thoughtful advice that I get, even if I don't agree with everything! And obviously, you aren't understanding what I said. You said that his actions speak louder than words, and yet, you are judging him based on all of the words he doesn't say to you. Where is the logic in this? Yet, he has a pattern of not expressing his emotions when told or asked for them. . No, your previous post (not the first one in this thread, but this one): Now he's a "wonderful" guy whose actions speak louder than words... yet in other threads, his actions spoke volumes. WTF. was not clear at all. In previous posts I was concerned about a few of his actions but I was consistent in pointing out that generally, he makes me feel like he cares through his action, if not his words. What you're insinuating here is not clear at all and it's definitely not in line with what you posted next. I will completely acknowledge, though, that I am expecting too many words from a guy that I've repeatedly said is more of a do-er and less of a talker, as you state in your most recent post and (perhaps you were trying to get at that in the very first post you made). But the post I quoted did not say that or anything like that at all so please don't even act like that's what you were trying to communicate at the time, because you weren't. If you think you were, and that it's crystal clear, we're obviously using English in completely different ways! I never got my question answered...but is this guy even your BF? Or are yall just casual dating? Have yall discussed it? Maybe that could be the reason why things aren't moving like you like. Sorry, thought I said it. Yes, he is my boyfriend. We've been dating for six-ish months. I've met his entire family and he's introduced me to all of them as his girlfriend. I'm not trying to be defensive, I just honestly disagree with the "he's just not into you" sentiments. Maybe I am daft but can anyone else reconcile "he's not into you" with this: he used up most of his vacation time and spent thousands of dollars to travel internationally to come visit me while I am studying abroad for three months, in a country he had no desire to ever visit. I know this is a fact because we had talked about this country and surrounding ones before he even knew I was going to be traveling here. It was completely his idea to visit me, I didn't suggest it and was never going to suggest it. Would you do that for someone you're not into? I surely wouldn't and I don't know anyone who would. That's why I am defensive to the "he's not into you" comments because it just doesn't make sense to me. I think this example alone is a good one, and yes there were some issues that made me worry not too long ago, but there are other good examples too. I might like him more than he likes me, or at least i am more vocal about it, but I don't think he's stringing me along. But I'm starting to get the feeling your thing is you know something is off in your relationship, you refuse to see, and you come here looking for people to reassure you. I'm not that person. I'll bet you a dollar that this ends eventually over the precise thing you keep posting about because whether it's that he's just not that into you or the fact he's emotionally stunted, it gets to you. If it didn't you wouldn't keep making threads about it. You're right. The thing that's getting to me is how we express ourselves emotionally is quite different, and I am coming to terms with it as everything else is fine and I *think* this is something that can/will change with time...but only time can tell, and I'm fine with seeing how it unfolds because I am having loads of fun dating him (I only post about the negative, not so much the positive) and I haven't like cried over him or anything. I've just gotten frustrated which isn't the end of the world, it's natural. I don't think this is doomed, but I might be more optimistic because I'm living it. If I were to provide an accurate picture it would be previous threads and a lot of other stuff that would take ages to read
KatZee Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) Honestly, I'd have to sadly agree with people who are saying you're both on two pages. You have to be honest with yourself here. You are way more invested than he is, it's very obvious. It's not an attack on you, it just is what it is. Two people are very rarely at the exact. same. point. at every. exact. moment. of a relationship. That being said, you DO have a few red flags about this whole thing. 1. Ghosting on you after sex. 2. Responding to your "I love you" with "Yeah..." So listen, I was with a guy once, years ago. He told me he loved me first, I didn't reciprocate. I actually said back to him, "I'm not good with verbally expressing emotion, It's not something I've ever done." Blah blah blah. Do you know what the truth was? I didn't love him. I was never in love with him at any point of our relationship. It had nothing to do with being scared, or being closed off, or not knowing how to verbalize my emotions. I just could not say something I did not mean. And I'm not going to deny that I'm terrible with verbalizing emotion. I'm godawful. But when I love someone? I say it. As uncomfortable, scared, and anxious as I am with that stuff? I will say it. Someone in love, will never, NOT say it to you. Especially since you said it first! If he was at all anxious about telling you, you just let him off the hook! He's free and clear to have a huge smile on his face and then respond in kind. If in this scenario you would have written..."I told him I loved him, and he looked me in the eyes and smiled at me, and in his eyes I could tell he was so happy, and then he kissed me... should I be worried?!" I'd be like... "Hell no! His actions said it all, he's definitely on his way to falling in love with you." But that wasn't the case. In your situation it kind of came off that you said it, and he just went... "yeeeeeah." And then things got kind of awkward after that and then you/he went home. Yes, this is something I'd be concerned with. A 6/7 month relationship should be farther along than this, and yes, it's something you're well in your right to finding out about because you don't want to sit around with your thumb up your a.ss waiting around hoping one day he's going to be in love with you. You could be waiting forever. If the guy doesn't feel it now, at 7 months, if he's not feeling the start of something, I think it's time to let it go and walk away, because YOU'RE going to be the one who's destroyed at the end of this, not him. (And trust me. My ex can attest for that. I destroyed him. I broke up with him and was over it and dating someone else 2 weeks later. And that someone? I verbally told him "I love you" after 3 months together.) Edited November 2, 2014 by KatZee 2
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