tinyvipers Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I met a guy around 2 months ago, it was a little over a month after I got out of my last relationship so I was seeking something purely casual and thus did not mind his history. We hit it off immediately and started hanging out almost everyday after work / during lunch hours / sleeping over on weekends etc. But things have started getting a little bit more serious and now we are exclusive, have romantic feelings towards each other but no outright commitment and thus no expectations. Over the past 2-3 weeks, he has been dropping hints and sometimes outright pushing for something serious, saying things like "you're girlfriend material", "I can't keep going the way that I'm going", "I'm yours if you're mine." He went on a trip recently and said that we have to talk and make sure we're on the same page when he gets back and asked me whether I am emotionally ready for what I have / what I want with him. The thing is I DON'T KNOW. On one hand, I really do like him. On the other, I am comfortable with what we have now since there are no expectations and thus no room for much disappointment or hurt. He hasn't been in a relationship for over 4 years and our mutual friend told me that he is the biggest player he has ever met in his life. On top of that, he himself admitted that he's slept with around 130 different girls. I don't know if I can trust him completely from his past but he has always been honest with me (slept with a girl he was flatmates with first week into us knowing each other and told me about it and moved out the very next morning). I don't know how to feel or where to go from here?
Emilia Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I don't know how to feel or where to go from here? What do you think of his values? He must have hurt a few women. Granted, we all hurt other people that have different expectations/things don't work out/etc but he has done it more than most. How do you feel about that? 2
CoolKids Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I met a guy around 2 months ago, it was a little over a month after I got out of my last relationship so I was seeking something purely casual and thus did not mind his history. We hit it off immediately and started hanging out almost everyday after work / during lunch hours / sleeping over on weekends etc. But things have started getting a little bit more serious and now we are exclusive, have romantic feelings towards each other but no outright commitment and thus no expectations. Over the past 2-3 weeks, he has been dropping hints and sometimes outright pushing for something serious, saying things like "you're girlfriend material", "I can't keep going the way that I'm going", "I'm yours if you're mine." He went on a trip recently and said that we have to talk and make sure we're on the same page when he gets back and asked me whether I am emotionally ready for what I have / what I want with him. The thing is I DON'T KNOW. On one hand, I really do like him. On the other, I am comfortable with what we have now since there are no expectations and thus no room for much disappointment or hurt. He hasn't been in a relationship for over 4 years and our mutual friend told me that he is the biggest player he has ever met in his life. On top of that, he himself admitted that he's slept with around 130 different girls. I don't know if I can trust him completely from his past but he has always been honest with me (slept with a girl he was flatmates with first week into us knowing each other and told me about it and moved out the very next morning). I don't know how to feel or where to go from here? You clearly haven't walked away after he's told you of his sexual promiscuity. You're interested in him. While he may be bad news, you do want to be with him. He may change, he may not, truth is, we may give you some good advice, but I think you might have already made up your mind with what you wanna do, you just hope someone here tries to tell you otherwise. 1
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I go 'meh' on the fact he slept with 130 women. He had a lot of sex ok, it does not mean he played these women to get the sex. He didn't play you didn't he? and if ever it's true and he played these women to have sex , even players at some point will meet that woman that will make them stop in their track and want exclusivity. George Clooney is popping up in my mind for some reasons. Be careful what people say and how people interpret things. A man making a comment on another man's dating style may well be misinterpreted or blown out of proportion by envy. 3
Author tinyvipers Posted October 31, 2014 Author Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) Honestly, I really like the sort of semi-casual semi-serious no expectations no titles thing we have right now. I do fancy him, definitely, but I am also not actively seeking any relationships. The sex is amazing, we get along swimmingly - I don't really see the need to take anything to the next level ever and complicate things. So obviously I don't think he is the one or even long-term material but I really do enjoy being with him for now. In a way I want to be able to see him as long-term material as I think he sees me (met his friends and his family knows about me) but I don't know if I ever can. I know that is a poor basis to agree to enter a relationship but I just want to make sure his whole (in his words) "I can't keep going the way that I'm going" thing is not an ultimatum because it's going to be tough finding another guy as relatively drama-free and where the sex is this frequent and good. Most importantly, I don't want to lose the friendship aspect - we've become so close and almost dependent on each other - even told each other things we've never told anyone else before, that I don't know how I can handle losing losing him. Edited October 31, 2014 by tinyvipers
Diezel Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I know that is a poor basis to agree to enter a relationship but I just want to make sure his whole (in his words) "I can't keep going the way that I'm going" thing is not an ultimatum because it's going to be tough finding another guy as relatively drama-free and where the sex is this frequent and good. Most importantly, I don't want to lose the friendship aspect - we've become so close and almost dependent on each other - even told each other things we've never told anyone else before, that I don't know how I can handle losing losing him. It's a soft ultimatum, and one he NEEDS to give. It means he's falling into it quicker and deeper than you are. And I know how this is going to go... you are probably going to commit to something you admitted you really didn't want just because your fear of losing him will outweigh everything else. If that's the case, you've already lost him... you just don't know it yet. He was drama-free, up until NOW. Now the "drama" is there because emotions are involved. Clear up that fog in your head and prepare yourself: DRAMA IS COMING. 2
Emilia Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Honestly, I really like the sort of semi-casual semi-serious no expectations no titles thing we have right now. I do fancy him, definitely, but I am also not actively seeking any relationships. The sex is amazing, we get along swimmingly - I don't really see the need to take anything to the next level ever and complicate things. So obviously I don't think he is the one or even long-term material but I really do enjoy being with him for now. In a way I want to be able to see him as long-term material as I think he sees me (met his friends and his family knows about me) but I don't know if I ever can. I know that is a poor basis to agree to enter a relationship but I just want to make sure his whole (in his words) "I can't keep going the way that I'm going" thing is not an ultimatum because it's going to be tough finding another guy as relatively drama-free and where the sex is this frequent and good. Most importantly, I don't want to lose the friendship aspect - we've become so close and almost dependent on each other - even told each other things we've never told anyone else before, that I don't know how I can handle losing losing him. Once you get into a relationship, the drama will come. Almost guarantee it. 1
Author tinyvipers Posted October 31, 2014 Author Posted October 31, 2014 So I guess the question now is... What can I do/say so that he expects less of me, ideally as much as I am willing to give/venture and nothing more? Anything I can do/say to fix what we have right now (semi-casual, no commitments or titles) for the long-term?
Tik Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 As a guy, I hate the natural tendency of woman who beat around the bush. Be blunt, be straight forward. Tell him as it is. It's ok, guys can handle it. 3
Emilia Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Agree that you should be direct about it and tell him exactly how you feel. It probably won't survive long term though. I don't think arrangements usually do. I gather he likes a bit of drama as well as women that aren't that into him and the complication of issues has already started. By all means be truthful OP and direct but be prepared that it's likely to deteriorate.
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 So I guess the question now is... What can I do/say so that he expects less of me, ideally as much as I am willing to give/venture and nothing more? Anything I can do/say to fix what we have right now (semi-casual, no commitments or titles) for the long-term? If you don't want a serious deeper relationship with him then stop playing 'being in a relationship' because that is what you are doing. Now that you know how he feels, any further 'playing house' would be using him . 1
RedRobin Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I'm also not necessarily convinced he wants to be monogamous with you. For any bonafide player I've observed... getting women to have sex with him isn't enough. That is too easy. They prefer to have as many women being monogamous to HIM, while he continues to play around. The only way they can do that, is to convince the woman he wants a relationship with him... So, nah... I'd never trust the word of a player. You might tell him that his promiscuous history makes him someone you don't feel like being committed to and leave it at that.
Redhead14 Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I met a guy around 2 months ago, it was a little over a month after I got out of my last relationship so I was seeking something purely casual and thus did not mind his history. We hit it off immediately and started hanging out almost everyday after work / during lunch hours / sleeping over on weekends etc. But things have started getting a little bit more serious and now we are exclusive, have romantic feelings towards each other but no outright commitment and thus no expectations. Over the past 2-3 weeks, he has been dropping hints and sometimes outright pushing for something serious, saying things like "you're girlfriend material", "I can't keep going the way that I'm going", "I'm yours if you're mine." He went on a trip recently and said that we have to talk and make sure we're on the same page when he gets back and asked me whether I am emotionally ready for what I have / what I want with him. The thing is I DON'T KNOW. On one hand, I really do like him. On the other, I am comfortable with what we have now since there are no expectations and thus no room for much disappointment or hurt. He hasn't been in a relationship for over 4 years and our mutual friend told me that he is the biggest player he has ever met in his life. On top of that, he himself admitted that he's slept with around 130 different girls. I don't know if I can trust him completely from his past but he has always been honest with me (slept with a girl he was flatmates with first week into us knowing each other and told me about it and moved out the very next morning). I don't know how to feel or where to go from here? There comes a time in a "players" life when the players life is unfulfilling. If a man says what he's said, player or not, he means it. These are not easy words for a man or even a woman to say. You don't know how to feel . . . if you were feeling it for him on the same level, you'd know it. You have been keeping your emotions in check, which is a good thing. Now, you can start allowing for emotions to develop or come forward. I'd play it by ear for a while. Let him demonstrate and make it clear to you that he's moving forward with you and only you. When you are comfortable, then you can say, yes, I'd like to be exclusive with you. He's already said his part, he is now waiting for you.
Emilia Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I'm also not necessarily convinced he wants to be monogamous with you. For any bonafide player I've observed... getting women to have sex with him isn't enough. That is too easy. I think what they like is a 'difficult woman'. Someone who isn't really available so they can cause drama while 'fighting for her' and all that BS. They get bored of available women since that's easy and go for those like the OP who isn't all that interested. So the dysfunctional cycle continues. 1
Tayken Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I think what they like is a 'difficult woman'. Someone who isn't really available so they can cause drama while 'fighting for her' and all that BS. They get bored of available women since that's easy and go for those like the OP who isn't all that interested. So the dysfunctional cycle continues. Mate...You might be on to sumfin here. How are things back in London Town?
oldshirt Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 You gotta love it when a playa' gets out played by another playa' LOL But seriously, I think you have explained your concerns, objectives and boundaries well here on this thread. Tell him the same thing and then walk the walk and don't backslide on it. Either he'll be ok with that and live with the status quo or he'll choose to move on. That's really no different than any other relationship where one party is getting ahead of the other one.
Tayken Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 You gotta love it when a playa' gets out played by another playa' LOL Fleetwood Mac (Stevie Nicks) - "DREAMS" (With Lyrics) - YouTube
oldshirt Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Over the past 2-3 weeks, he has been dropping hints and sometimes outright pushing for something serious, saying things like "you're girlfriend material", that doesn't mean that he's automatically BF material or that you even want a BF. On one hand, I really do like him. On the other, I am comfortable with what we have now since there are no expectations and thus no room for much disappointment or hurt. He hasn't been in a relationship for over 4 years and our mutual friend told me that he is the biggest player he has ever met in his life. On top of that, he himself admitted that he's slept with around 130 different girls. I don't know if I can trust him completely from his past but he has always been honest with me (slept with a girl he was flatmates with first week into us knowing each other and told me about it and moved out the very next morning). just because someone screwed around a lot doesn't automatically mean that they will cheat or anything. What's more telling than the actual numbers is did he use dishonesty and deceit to get them into bed and was he capable of sustaining a meaningful relationship to any degree with them. Maintaining one relationship is a completely different paradigm than bedding lots. He may be way out of his element here and simply suck at relationships. One thing that someone who has slept around a lot will have is a very low tolerance for boredom and routine. They are used to picking up a new honey once things feel a little stale to them. He may be upfront and honest about it but if he monkey swings to someone else once you are starting to get comfortable with the relationship that's not really going to be much consolation. But to be fair here, you were both on the same page when you started and you have clicked and hit it off and have been enjoying each other since. If you both evolve and are on somewhat the same sheet of music, there's no reason to assume it can't work. What is key here is he has been changing his tune faster than you. The question is really whether you want to take another step forward or do you want to stay where things are. Only you can determine that and that is something that every couple goes through and every couple has to work out. I don't know how to feel or where to go from here? no one can tell you how you "should" feel. You always feel how you feel and you should do what you want to do and what you think is best for you. Responses above
oldshirt Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 My guess is he brings this up because he wants you to be monogamous, but I wouldn't expect him to return the favor. This is typical player stuff. He likes you, so he doesn't want you to sleep with other men, but he wants to still be free to do as he likes. That's just my guess. This is also something to consider. Has he shown any evidence of this being the case?
Kamila Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 You've been dating for what: 2-3 months (?) and he already wants all of you... myeah... he's insecure. Just let the relationship flow naturally... and evaluate in 3-4 months... you'll start to see his true colours then ...
Tayken Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 and he already wants all of you. Just like John Legend...you know, that song overplayed on the radio
Author tinyvipers Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 He hasn't shown any signs of playing thus far. Texts me 24/7, even complained multiple times that I don't keep in touch often/well enough, I'm pushing back, etc. We see each other literally way too much for him to have anything on the side to be honest. Skyped him when he was gone on a few trips and he referred to me as his girlfriend already when speaking to new acquaintances made on the trips. Also, I did tell him at one point that I was only interested in sleeping with him, regardless of whether he chooses to sleep with other women while seeing me or not. Recent development: My MacBook broke 2 days ago so I started using his laptop yesterday (which he left at mine before going on his trip) and ended up looking through some of his photos. I know, I know I really should not have and that really betrays his trust, but now I don't think I can do this even if I was crazy in love with him. Literally found dozens of photos of naked/underwear-clad chicks pre/post sex with him since 2012. I feel like just a number, so I texted him that I want to take a step back and start seeing other people. Ready to move on to better things (: Thanks guys!
Tayken Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 He hasn't shown any signs of playing thus far. Texts me 24/7, even complained multiple times that I don't keep in touch often/well enough, I'm pushing back, etc. We see each other literally way too much for him to have anything on the side to be honest. Skyped him when he was gone on a few trips and he referred to me as his girlfriend already when speaking to new acquaintances made on the trips. Also, I did tell him at one point that I was only interested in sleeping with him, regardless of whether he chooses to sleep with other women while seeing me or not. Recent development: My MacBook broke 2 days ago so I started using his laptop yesterday (which he left at mine before going on his trip) and ended up looking through some of his photos. I know, I know I really should not have and that really betrays his trust, but now I don't think I can do this even if I was crazy in love with him. Literally found dozens of photos of naked/underwear-clad chicks pre/post sex with him since 2012. I feel like just a number, so I texted him that I want to take a step back and start seeing other people. Ready to move on to better things (: Thanks guys! Hopefully you didn't mean this literally i.e. that you are going to start looking instantly for another guy? A break might be a better option before jumping right back in with both feet.
Author tinyvipers Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 Hopefully you didn't mean this literally i.e. that you are going to start looking instantly for another guy? A break might be a better option before jumping right back in with both feet. Not really jumping in with both feet. Just met a couple of really cute guys here and there in the past few weeks and ready to start seeing them casually instead of only focusing on this one guy. Don't really see anything wrong with that - women have needs too...
Recommended Posts