Gf thinks I'm too close to my family.

[Mjm1014]

This issue just doesn't seem to go away with her. I've been dating her six months.

 

Basically I've been apart from my family for 7 years after I graduated high school to become a pilot and recently moved back to the north east where my parents live. I'm stuck in NJ 18 days out of the month away from family and girlfriend, and on my off days I travel back home to PA and stay at my parents house (usually have only 2-3 days before I have to go back to NJ)...my girlfriend also lives in PA so when I go home I'm always torn between my parents and girlfriend. I spend 90% of the time with my gf but I feel my parents deserve at least a few hours during the weekend with me since I've basically been non existent for years while I was away at flight school/college and at the age of 27 they still let me stay at their house because they know I want to see them and my girl. I know my girlfriend misses me a lot since I'm constantly traveling and away, but she refuses so come see me because she hates flying on planes and she always stresses me out by giving me ultimatums saying she needs to take priority over my family (she's always invited to be with us too)..I totally disagree and think she's being unreasonable since I've always been "close" to them and feel it's not her place to even tell me that since we aren't even married. How would you handle? Btw she grew up with no dad and her mom died at an early age so I feel she just doesn't understand and it's really really sad and unfortunate I don't want to break up wth her but at the same time she said if we ever get married she doesn't want to live in PA and it's my job to move where her grandparents go-I feel like she will rip me clean of my parents if I stay with her. She gets really jealous that I spend time with them and this is a HUGE issue between us. Please help! Thanks!

[justwhoiam]

Usually, in most relationships, you first create a strong bond in the couple and then introduce the rest of the family and friends. This means that you build intimacy and have lots of time alone, especially in the beginning.

 

I sense that she was not allowed to have any of that with you. I'm not sure if I understood your schedule completely. You work in NJ for 18 days, then go back to PA for a weekend and then back to work in NJ, and so forth.

 

Now, I doubt you are looking at the situation in the right light.

 

1. You claim you spend 90% of your time there with your girlfriend, but that seems hardly possible, since you're staying at your parents' house. How long? A couple of nights? Why don't you spend those nights with her and visit your parents for a couple of hours?

 

2. You have all the good intentions in this world, but it's just weird that you've been away from them for almost a decade, and now suddenly you need to be around them whenever you have some free time. At least alternate with being with your girlfriend.

 

3. Being away for most of the month, it's like a forced prolonged LDR, so you need to plan your time better, if you are willing to have a family of your own and not just rely on the family your parents created for themselves. Have you thought of that?

 

4. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to have much of a family anymore, besides her grandparents. She might feel the need to start her own family to create the environment she missed out on. At the same time, she might feel some responsibility regarding her grandparents, who I guess need more care than your parents, as they're probably older.

 

5. So what are you exactly doing to make up for your ongoing absence? Do you plan long vacations with her? Do you arrange some candle-lit dinner for two? Do you allow for some alone time that I guess both of you need and look forward to? Do you make time for some activities together? Think: movies, grocery shopping, walking around, going to events, going to a concert, visiting new places, etc.

 

6. Regarding her ultimatums, you need to assess where they come from. Do they come from the frustration of being alone all the time and when you're finally home, you're stuck with your parents and she sees her time with you constantly eroded? Do they come from the stress of you not making enough effort along the weeks and months when you're away? Or do they come from her b--chy personality? Sit down and talk to her next time you two are together. And plan a few weekends for just the two of you alone when no one else will be in the picture, not even your parents.

 

7. I think most women would have a problem with the pattern you established. This is something you need to agree and think out as a couple, if you want both to be happy.

 

8. I also think that most women would feel bad for acting up regarding something like this. So you might want to think that she's not even comfortable being the way she is with you. She's trying to make herself heard. Don't play deaf.

 

9. Regarding flying to you. I'm not sure if there's hope for that. Some people are scared to fly. There are courses to go past the fear of flying, and usually they are successful. But before addressing this issue, you need to put your effort in first. Show her with your actions that you can go out of your way for her. And then, if she loves you, and with some help, she will go out of her way for you to see you more often.

 

If things do not improve, then you will know she is not a good girlfriend. But for now, sorry, there are not enough elements to say that.

Edited October 31, 2014 by justwhoiam

[FitChick]

You sound a bit immature, choosing your parents over your girlfriend. I agree with justwhoiam in that you should be staying with your girlfriend and visiting your parents for a couple of hours with or without the girlfriend. Are you an only child?

[Ronni_W]

I spend 90% of the time with my gf but I feel my parents deserve at least a few hours during the weekend with me since I've basically been non existent for years while I was away at flight school/college and at the age of 27 they still let me stay at their house because they know I want to see them and my girl.

Mjm,

Your thinking is both spot-on and totally off-base. At the same time.

 

If you g/f is begrudging you spending 10% of your time as YOU want, desire, deem fit and suitable for YOUR well-rounded life, then that's a problem.

If it was you going to the gym, or doing self-improvement classes, or hanging out with your buds, or going to pottery class, or working a second job, then most people would see that your g/f is being unreasonable.

 

At the same time, SHE wants/demands that you as a married couple move to where her grandparents are. So...what's the difference, in her mind, between how she feels about her grandparents and you feel about your parents?

 

The other side of it is that you feel somehow obligated to spend 10% of your free time with your parents. They're not "letting" you stay with them when you're in town. Ask them; they'll tell you. And you're not obligated to stay with them EVEN IF they're "letting" you do it (which, in their minds, they're not doing).

 

If she cannot come to grips with the fact that you have a loving relationship with your parents -- as she appears to have with her grandparents -- then you will have to change your relationship with your parents *IF* you decide to stay with her. There isn't really a happy middle ground. SOMETHING will have to change.

[d0nnivain]

I liked my family & spent time with them. I socialized with my parents.

 

If your GF resents them this much this early it doesn't bode well for your long term compatibility.

 

Since you include her when you see your parents, her decision to give you ultimatums is a power play. Be careful. If you cave in this issue she will use the technique to get her way in every conflict. I do think you are right that her unfortunate circumstances preclude her from understanding.

 

For her to already be trying to dictate where you live after marriage is a red flag