Jet Lag Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I want to ring him so so much today. Help. I'm sure it will make me feel better. My soul feels comforted with contact. OMG...I miss him so so soooo much. So so sad!
Zahara Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Contact makes you feel better but only for a short while. Once you put the phone down, you go back to that same hole. Nothing changes. Infact you'll feel worse. Contact is like a drug. You get a high and when it wears off, you're back to feeling the withdrawals and the pain of your reality. Best to stand the pain and let those urges pass. Don't do it. 1
Author Jet Lag Posted October 31, 2014 Author Posted October 31, 2014 Contact makes you feel better but only for a short while. Once you put the phone down, you go back to that same hole. Nothing changes. Infact you'll feel worse. Contact is like a drug. You get a high and when it wears off, you're back to feeling the withdrawals and the pain of your reality. Best to stand the pain and let those urges pass. Don't do it. Thanks Zahara. So hard...my soul really is comforted with contact. Sometimes it feels like it would be worth living a half life remaining his friend and just learning to deal with his new relationship...just getting what I can out of it. I have never loved like this before and I'm nearly 50. Been one of those weeks where I have driven past him twice and seen him at kids activities...then I got home from yoga today and the kids told me he was over the road (he keeps his boat there). Sometimes country towns suck!
Zahara Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Thanks Zahara. So hard...my soul really is comforted with contact. Sometimes it feels like it would be worth living a half life remaining his friend and just learning to deal with his new relationship...just getting what I can out of it. Yes, it is very hard. You crave that familiarity, that comfort you once felt with him but that is now no more. It's ended. You can't be comforted from what hurts you. Temporarily, yes you can but that soon fades and you have to deal with the reality of an ending because it is never going to go away. When the pain is so intense, it does seem like it would be worth living half a life because that contact keeps a lifeline to him. But if you learn to deal with the pain, in time you will start to detach and the emotional freedom that you achieve is so worth it. This pain you feel right now is temporary -- the pain and anxiety you will feel with living half a life is indefinite. Choose wisely! I have never loved like this before and I'm nearly 50. Hun, I'm right behind you. I've had some really bad endings where I have given my all and while I have been alone for some time now, it's so much more fulfilling than being weighed down by emotional pain. Set yourself free. Been one of those weeks where I have driven past him twice and seen him at kids activities...then I got home from yoga today and the kids told me he was over the road (he keeps his boat there). Sometimes country towns suck! That's hard, and I've been in a situation where the ex was always in close proximity. There was a time I had to change all my routes, schedule, etc. -- a little past a year, I was able to go back to my routine because my heart was free of him. Give yourself time to get through this. You're experiencing grief, the loss of a loved one comparable to death. Everything you are feeling is normal. But I promise you that in time, you will get there. Just don't break NC. 1
Author Jet Lag Posted October 31, 2014 Author Posted October 31, 2014 Yes, it is very hard. You crave that familiarity, that comfort you once felt with him but that is now no more. It's ended. You can't be comforted from what hurts you. Temporarily, yes you can but that soon fades and you have to deal with the reality of an ending because it is never going to go away. When the pain is so intense, it does seem like it would be worth living half a life because that contact keeps a lifeline to him. But if you learn to deal with the pain, in time you will start to detach and the emotional freedom that you achieve is so worth it. This pain you feel right now is temporary -- the pain and anxiety you will feel with living half a life is indefinite. Choose wisely! Hun, I'm right behind you. I've had some really bad endings where I have given my all and while I have been alone for some time now, it's so much more fulfilling than being weighed down by emotional pain. Set yourself free. That's hard, and I've been in a situation where the ex was always in close proximity. There was a time I had to change all my routes, schedule, etc. -- a little past a year, I was able to go back to my routine because my heart was free of him. Give yourself time to get through this. You're experiencing grief, the loss of a loved one comparable to death. Everything you are feeling is normal. But I promise you that in time, you will get there. Just don't break NC. Thanks Zahara. The logical part of me says how right you are. The emotional part says cling to the relief he can give you right now when you are feeling so so bad. I miss the relationship but we were friends before the relationship and I really miss the friendship too. I know they are all intertwined and I can't imagine on my side ever being able to have the friendship without loving him too much. It seems that he could just be friends. How would one be able to do that?
Zahara Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 The logical part of me says how right you are. The emotional part says cling to the relief he can give you right now when you are feeling so so bad. And that is why you have to find coping skills when you feel bad -- giving into those feelings is self-destructive. When you feel those bad emotions coming, just let them come. Don't react. Let them come, because in time they will pass. Giving into it is like you chasing your own tail. Go for a walk, get involved in your kids, call your dearest friend and vent those feelings, go do a grocery run, read a self-help book, get to the gym -- you have to break the habit. You can't keep sitting around and giving into those feelings. I know it's hard, I've been there. Give yourself an hour and get distracted. If after an hour you still feel the same way, another hour and keep yourself occupied. You have to start reprogramming. I miss the relationship but we were friends before the relationship and I really miss the friendship too. I know they are all intertwined and I can't imagine on my side ever being able to have the friendship without loving him too much. It seems that he could just be friends. How would one be able to do that? He can do that because the emotional attachment he once had with you has changed. He can do the friendship without being affected emotionally. He doesn't feel the same way. 1
BC1980 Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Thanks Zahara. So hard...my soul really is comforted with contact. Sometimes it feels like it would be worth living a half life remaining his friend and just learning to deal with his new relationship...just getting what I can out of it. I have never loved like this before and I'm nearly 50. Been one of those weeks where I have driven past him twice and seen him at kids activities...then I got home from yoga today and the kids told me he was over the road (he keeps his boat there). Sometimes country towns suck! I understand you completely. I carried on a "friendship" with my ex for 4 months after our breakup because I didn't want to accept the end. I think it must be like bargaining because you are trying to find any way to keep the person in your life even though it's detrimental to yourself. It's true. You do get that high after talking to or seeing him, but it quickly feels worse. Trust us when we say it will get better, but it will take time. It probably took me 3 months to feel any better, but it happened. I made new friends, reconnected with old friends, and while I'm still not indifferent, I'm so much better. It's true what Zahara said about the reason he can stay friends with you. It's hard to accept, but his emotions are no longer the same. My ex was fine with keeping in touch and seeing each other once in awhile because he had let go of me before the breakup. My staying in touch helped him transition out of the relationship.
Author Jet Lag Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 Ended up with the exes kids on Monday night (I know lots of you don't think I should do this but his son is my son's best friend AND I love the boys). Anyway, it was organised with the kids' Mum. As she was dropping them off she said they will go back to the ex after me. Doh. I had to have some communication. He messaged originally saying he would pick them up at the time specified...then messaged again asking would I put them in a cab as he had had a couple of drinks. Not sure if he asked this thinking I would then drop them home (because that is me - I would do that for anyone...but definitely would have done it for him!) I consulted with a friend who said DON'T do it. After a few more communications to sort it out, he ended up picking them up himself. I wasn't home. Just this little communication...all very cold...has made me miss him so much. Then, couldn't help myself, messaged asking did they get home safely. He responded with Yep. All good. Back to nightmares of him with someone else last night. Really really sad today. I want to be near him. He soothes my soul. Can't stop crying. Why? Why doesn't he want to be with me?
dclan Posted November 5, 2014 Posted November 5, 2014 I've been reading most of your posts jet lag, and I would really love to give you good advice on how to deal with this. Unfortunatly, your case is extremly hard, because of the children's friendship. However...you need to find a way to apply a permanent way of NC with this guy, or it will end up eating you up. You can't keep exposing yourself onto that situation any longer. Find a way of meeting only with the children's mother, of something like that. Avoid having interaction with this man. Its not good for you. Its very hard to give you proper advice given this situation. 1
Author Jet Lag Posted November 5, 2014 Author Posted November 5, 2014 I've been reading most of your posts jet lag, and I would really love to give you good advice on how to deal with this. Unfortunatly, your case is extremly hard, because of the children's friendship. However...you need to find a way to apply a permanent way of NC with this guy, or it will end up eating you up. You can't keep exposing yourself onto that situation any longer. Find a way of meeting only with the children's mother, of something like that. Avoid having interaction with this man. Its not good for you. Its very hard to give you proper advice given this situation. Thanks dclan. I think you are right. It certainly is eating me up. I have booked an appointment with a doctor tomorrow so hopefully will get some counselling. I thought I was doing okay...but really not convinced any more. How the hell does anyone do this more than once?
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