amkxoxo Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I have both of my parents and my brother and I feel like we are falling apart. When I was younger my parents had a great relationship. They did everything for my younger brother and I. My dad was a fun person. As I got older we had family members fall ill. My father's mother was very sick when I was 12 years old. My mother was a huge hand in caring for her until her death. Then when I was in high school my mother's grandparents were very sick. They got to the point where they were unable to live alone. My mother was a saint and she moved in with them for a year until they both passed away. While living there my dad, my younger brother, and I took care of the house. It was very hard because my dad worked full time and us kids went to school. We would visit my mom every day and I would spend weekends with her. Since his mother's death, my father started gaining a lot of weight and eating unhealthy. After my grandparents death we fixed up and moved into their home. It was a big move for our family. A lot of stress. All the while I moved to college. I had noticed that our family dynamic was changing. It was my brother and I versus my mother and I. Always. And my brother and I mess up the house. Every day they come home and throw their clothes everywhere and leave soda cans everywhere. I always go back and forth between school and when I would come home it would be a mess. My mom didn't always have time to clean up. Now that college and I am back living at home things are horrible. My parents seem to hate each other. My younger brother who is 19 is never home always with his friends and he makes my parents worry constantly. My brother and dad still do nothing around the house. Now that I am home I help clean because s e my mom works full time too. It makes us angry that the boys don't clean. When my mother says anything they call her a nag or a bitchh. I try say stuff and they scold me that I am not their mother and they don't have to listen to me. W e try so hard to get them to help to keep our household going but they don't listen. My dad seems to have depression. He comes home from work and he sits on t he couch eating and watching tv everyday. He doesn't want to go out or do anything and it's hard to get him to go out. He seems to get jealous or mad a nd he acts like a baby when my mom and I go out shopping or my mom goes with one of her friends. But when my mom asks him he doesn't want to go. My dad has gotten very fat and unhealthy. The doctor tells him he needs to lose weight because he is at risk of dying of a heart attack but he doesn't help himself. We tell him to eat less or cut down and he gets so mad and he yells at us and calls us bad things. I am now 22 and I don't take his nasty words and I give it right back to him. He seems depressed because my brother who is his best friend isn't around a lot to spend time with him. But sometimes my brother doesn't want to deal with his attitude. My parents fight a lot. And it's horrible. They yell and my dad always throws out nasty words and divorce. He claims to always be alone and people treat him like dirt. My mom can sometimes com across and scolding or a nag but she doesn't mean it in a mean way to hurt you. My dad is so sensitive. My dad complains that he cuts the lawn and takes out the garbage and that's what he does to help Nd he gets no credit. But all of that stuff is once a week, where my mother an I clean the house, do laundry, make dinner, and do the dishes. Everyday. My dad complains he is always alone but he doesn't try and make plans with people. If it wasn't for my mother I don't think my father would see his own father or his sister said and her family. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been trying to bring everyone together but it's not working. My mom doesn't know what to do anymore. The boys won't help her. I'm moving out in two weeks for a new job. I mentioned to the guys how I am leaving and they need to help her and I got eye rolls nasty words. Telling me to shut up and I shouldn't be telling them what to do. My brother told me he wants to move out too because the atmosphere is bad. My parents seem like they hate each other. I feel like once I move out things are going to be even worse. But I need to be able to live my life. My brother may move in with me in about a year from now. He needs structure and maybe I can be seen good influence on him. I don't know what to do. I try and be on everyone's side but my mom likes me to be on hers since we are best friends and we help each other the most. My dad is crazy and my brother sticks with him and my brother is young and reckless. My family is failing.
Lurkeraspect Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Since you and your brother are adults, my suggestion is you two need to move out and begin your lives. Your mom and dad will need to either fix their broken marriage or part ways. I don't see much you can do to save their relationship. But you certainly don't need to live at home and witness it.
preraph Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 It's time for those lazy brothers of yours to get out of the house and stop messing it up. Maybe your mother could stand just cleaning up after one big overgrown child (your dad) but not two. You definitely do NOT want them moving in with you and pigging your place out. Is your dad now retired? I know you said he was working full-time, but is he still, or is he now unemployed or retired? Because retired or unemployed men get very depressed and often to cause their own problems. My mom divorced my dad not too long after his retirement because he had too much time on his hands and she no longer had her space she got used to having. You're of an age you don't need to be living with parents or your social life will suffer. Your mother is going to be counting on her boys to help her when she's old because that's how she did. It's not for everyone. I mean, you can't always let them move in or whatever without destroying your own marriage. I was not the type to let parents move in or quit my job and go be there 24/7. I did what I could from another state and with visits. If your dad is retired and home all the time now, yes, he needs to be helping your mom, but this is out of your control. You are doing the right thing moving out. This will force the rest of your family to take steps as well. Because right now, you and your mom are making their existence better, whether they realize it or not. They won't get it until they get out on their own. Try not to get right in the middle and take sides. Just stay out of their marital problems. If your dad is really depressed and not just lazy, he probably needs to see a doctor. Aside from that, move out, give yourself a break, and just stay in touch and see what kind of solution they come up with. Good luck, and you're a very good son.
Author amkxoxo Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 My dad and mom still work full time. I only have the one younger brother and my dad. My mom has tried to get them to help. She stopped doing my btothers laundry but he will let it build up until it's filling the laundry area and my mom gives in. When I ask my brother to help with the dishes and he treats me like dirt. Sometimes he will help but I feel like I am walking on eggshells to not make him mad. My father too. I know get afraid that if my mom and I go out too much my dad will feel alone and upset and sad. My brother and dad think if they lift something heavy for us that they are doing a lot and they shouldn't have to do chores. My mom is so sick of being yelled at and criticized by them that she often just keeps her mouth shut. I think my dad has issues with himself and how he looks and his health. I remember when I was younger my dad liked doing fun stuff with us but now he sits in the house all the time or putters in the garage because he likes working in cars and such. We all used to watch tv at night together but now my dad likes manly shows, my brother wants to play video games and my mother and I like primetime. Thus seperating all of us. We have tried to get dad into some shows with us but he doesn't want to. He is alone and unhappy and he blames us. And then if my mother criticises or nags about chores or the house my dad freaks on her and claims she can leave him if he doesn't make her happy. When that isn't even what she is saying. My brother doesn't take criticism well either. Where my dad acts like a baby, my brother puts on the tough "I don't want to listen to you" thing. He gets defensive and blames everyone else. He tells everyone not to talk to him and he claims we have no right to tell him. He won't take advice, but I attribute it to him being a 19 year old boy. That he knows everything. I have openly told them both that t hey need to take criticism but they get all angry so and I become the villain.
Lurkeraspect Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 You mentioned earlier about your brother and you perhaps moving into an apartment together. I think this would be a horrible idea FOR YOU. He sounds like a big part of the problem. Why can't you move out on your own, and get away from all the dysfunction? It's not your job to fix your parents marriage. But it is time for you to begin your life. Just a thought.
Author amkxoxo Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Well I'm moving away because I got a job. It's where a lot of my college friend live. I thought that maybe would gain a little in mAturity being with me. We would be responsible to pay rent and utilities. And he would be around my friend who said are good people compAred to his crappy friends now. He would be far away from them. It's easier said then done. Like hey guys I know your suffering right now I'm just going to leave and move during this difficult time and live an awesome happy life. Sorry. Like I feel like my family needs me more now than ever.
preraph Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Do NOT let your brother move in. You are not his parent and will have no control over him. He will likely come completely unhinged at just being away from home and not having any limits. If you do that, you are just asking for it. Your dad isn't being supportive to his wife, but that's not your problem. Less housework for her the sooner your brother moves out, but please let him move in with one of his friends and learn to fend for himself or you'll enable him for life by acting like his mom.
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