She still lives in his house and I don't think I can deal

[whatamidoinghere]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been reading posts for a bit and decided to post my own problem because I need help here, badly. Any advice is welcome.

 

I met someone at work several months ago. It started with casual chatting when I was ready to leave work. Overheard his conversations with other co-workers about the live-in mother of his two kids who can't take a hint that he will not marry her, he doesn't love her, etc.. and he wasn't aware that I was around to hear him, so I have no reason to believe he is making this up.

 

Fast forward two months: We have gone out a handful of times in the last couple of months, I no longer work in the same office. I told him I was not getting into an actual relationship and wasn't getting intimate with him while he was still living with another woman. The farthest this has gone is kissing, and my conscience has caught up with me on this as well now.

 

At first I tried telling myself he told her he's not marrying her, she hasn't made any attempt to work for the past five years, and questioned whether I should feel bad for her or not. She is hanging on for some reason whether it's because she still does love him or the fact that she likes being taken care of and doesn't want to work. He's basically enabled the situation he is living in by paying for everything.

 

It is his house they live in. I thought then this shouldn't be a problem for him to ask her to leave. He kicked her out once before, and she went to live in a halfway house with the kids. He did not want his kids in that, so he brought them back 2 weeks later.

 

It's obvious he has his kids first and foremost in his mind, he loves those kids and that is fine. He feels he is stuck. I know he has other options but I am not going to pretend I am in his shoes and I don't know exactly what he is going through.

 

I know this is going to end eventually with her, but I don't feel like being the OW in the meantime for who knows how long even though in his mind, they are over. I really care for this guy and I am meeting him tonite for dinner. I am thinking about telling him tonite I can't do this now until he sorts all of this out but I am scared. It's been awhile since I really got excited about someone because he is very smart (except for this situation), very funny and has respected the line I drew - he doesn't push the envelope and nag me about things. When we go out he is a gentleman and drives down to see me instead of me meeting him, I am an hour away. So I figure if he was only interested in me as a piece of "you know what" then he would have given up a while ago. Please help, I am so confused.

[whichwayisup]

I know this is going to end eventually with her, but I don't feel like being the OW in the meantime for who knows how long even though in his mind, they are over.

 

Keep it casual, just friends. Until his life gets sorted out - I would not get too emotionally attached and involved with him. You may end up getting hurt unintentially. And you also don't know IF they will ever separate.

 

Now if it is 'just' a living arrangement and they both have decided to date others then that is different.

 

How old are the kids? That makes a huge difference in this situation as well, as you said too - His kids come first and what the means is his happiness comes second. IF he has to live with her for another 10 years until the kids are ready to go out on their own he may continue this living arrangement. Who knows.

[MsMree]

this comes from experience... If you see him AT ALL while they are living under one roof, YOU WILL prolong any action he is considering regarding moving on w/his life - you are making his life very manageable!

 

He is probably happier now than he has been in a long time - so what do we do when we are happy?

 

Nothing.

 

If you have any chance of being w/him it will be once he knows that you will not be part of the deception in any capacity - the fear/etc. of losing something which makes him happy will be what drives him to be with you under appropriate circumstances - and of course, this is not a guarantee, however it really is the only chance you have at not being OW.

 

I think most of the women on here would agree.

[goldy]

2 things about this guy:

he has no understanding of women and raising children if he complains she doesnt work when she is bringing up young children.

if he really cared about these kids but doesnt want to live with the woman why did he throw them all out? why didnt he get out himself, thats what a decent guy would do.

if he doesnt love her and has told her this he is being so cruel to this woman, she has nowhere else to go and yet she has to put up with him acting like a great benefactor because he is not throwing them in the street i expect he thinks she should be grateful too!

i'm sorry but i dont like the sound of this guy, i have recently seen a really really different side to my mm and i am shocked nd angry. in retrospect i should have seen past his act of charm and concern for me and looked at the plain facts that he could be so cruel to the mother of his children as to decieve her and he would do the same thing, complain that she didnt work whilst bringing up the children. call her lazy etc

these are incredibly selfish men, they like to play the game of the chase. its the mating ritual thats all it is. look to how they treat their childrens mothers to see what kind of a person they really are.

[whatamidoinghere]

Thanks for your replies MS and UP.

 

She supposedly doesn't even like him having female friends, a swimsuit calendar, he can't go to certain places, etc... So no, its not in the open for them to be okay seeing other people. She is under the impression that he will eventually buckle and marry her. Although now she's bringing up health insurance as a big issue because she has none. Who knows?

 

They live in separate bedrooms in the house now. This was confirmed by another co-worker first without me even having to ask BEFORE we got involved, so unless this guy lies to his co-workers, I have no reason to doubt this.

 

I thought about the friend thing, but that might be too hard and I don't know if I am up for that right now. I like him more everytime I see or talk to him and that is what is worrying me now. Like I said, what makes this most difficult about cooling this off is that he is respecting my boundaries.

[Mr Spock]

"take the hint"

 

 

This woman will never voluntarily leave him because he doesn't beat her and she has his children. She isn't "hanging on" she's having a relationship with this guy.

 

Do yourself and me a favour. Tell him that while she lives with him you won't have anything more to do with him. But if he ever gets his life sorted out to give you a call and maybe you can go for coffee.

 

 

Seriously. Believe me when I tell you he's still maintaining a relationship with this woman. She's still cleaning the house, she's still cooking, they may even have sex once a week. She's still there. He would leave her with the house if the situation was so displeasing and move out.

 

If he starts feeding you stuff about how it's not a "real" relationship and it's basically over say "Ok, well then I guess you won't mind me calling your ex to confirm this" and see how he reacts.

[whichwayisup]

They live in separate bedrooms in the house now. This was confirmed by another co-worker first without me even having to ask BEFORE we got involved, so unless this guy lies to his co-workers, I have no reason to doubt this.

 

OK well until you see for your own eyes I would not 100% believe this. I'm sorry, but don't go on over heard conversations. Even if he tells you this. I mean she has an idea that they will be married but he is putting it off. Seems kinda serious to me. IF he really didn't love her then she would be out of the house. Or he would, I agree with goldy.

 

I think the distance between you two is probably for the best. Allow him to miss you and want you. Then he can move on with his life, make the decisions and be with you if that is what is meant to happen. Until then, shield your heart.

 

He is probably happier now than he has been in a long time - so what do we do when we are happy?

 

Nothing.

 

Nicely put MsMree. I think that is human nature.

 

Also, right now he is kinda having his cake and eating it too.

 

She supposedly doesn't even like him having female friends, a swimsuit calendar, he can't go to certain places, etc... So no, its not in the open for them to be okay seeing other people. She is under the impression that he will eventually buckle and marry her. Although now she's bringing up health insurance as a big issue because she has none. Who knows?

 

RED flag!!!

Again, if she feels this way -HE is not making it clear or really being honest with her so she will understand that they are NOT going to be married at some point in the future. Which brings me to the separate bedroom arrangement. IF they really are sleeping in sep. bedrooms, why would she be thinking and hoping that in the future they will be married.

 

How old are the kids?

[whatamidoinghere]

Goldy,

I got your post late so I didnt reply first. Sorry, and thanks for your reply

 

To clear up a couple things:

 

He works second shift. The kids are in school all day now. There is no reason for her to not work part time at least in the morning. If I don't work I don't expect someone else to pay my bills.

 

He kicked her out, not the kids. She took the kids with her to a halfway house and he didnt want his kids there, so he brought them back. He wants the kids full time, but is afraid of losing them to her and this is the "reason" he is stalling to figure out what to do exactly. Or so he says. But he talks about his kids all the time, so I know he cares about his kids.

 

And it's his house, it was his before she came along, so why should he leave his own house?

 

I am not trying to be antagonistic here Goldy, so I am sorry if I sound that way. I know he's no saint with the way he has handled this situation, but I have no doubt he loves his kids.

[whichwayisup]

He works second shift. The kids are in school all day now. There is no reason for her to not work part time at least in the morning. If I don't work I don't expect someone else to pay my bills.

 

OK obviously her job is to look after the kids. Be in the house and do house chores.

 

I don't know her health/frame of mind etc...But honestly I'm sure it is hard to get a job and have to be home by the time the kids get home. DO you think he makes the lunches/cleans up/prepares dinner/does the laundry/takes kids to Dr/dentist/eye appointments?

 

Just keep that in mind. It is easier for him to have her at home and be in his life. He may/may not love her, but they will always have ties together because of their children. He is putting his kids first and unfortunately she is part of the deal.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean to you, but you definately need to distance yourself from him and not get too involved.

[whatamidoinghere]

I feel more and more like a dumba-- now. But thats probably a good thing. So thanks guys, seriously.

 

The kids are 5 and 8.

 

To answer the question UP about why she thinks they will be married even though in separate bedrooms, I asked him the same question.

 

The answer he gave me was: "Now if you were in her position, and we are in different bedrooms, and I tell you I am not in love with you and don't want to get married, aren't you going to take the hint? She doesn't get it!"

 

I would hope I would get the hint but have not been in that position, and I pray I never am.

[goldy]

i agree, he is still having a relationship with this woman.

it doesnt matter if he didnt only say these things to you. some men do that. they will be making themselves appear available for a while before the affair starts. the affair is already in their heads. also lots of mm are extremely manipulative, he may have aready spotted his prey and made sure you overheard these conversations.

you say he is smart, then be extra careful, he is devious AND smart.

quit while youre ahead. it hasnt gotten too physical, dont let it. of course he is playing the act of being considerate, he's devious and smart.

[moimeme]

All men who have affairs tell the women they're having affairs with about how (insert flaws here) the partner at home is. This causes the women they have affairs with to feel better and superior and as though the men will surely choose them - the better and superior women. It won't happen. Listen to the others and drop this guy now. If he EVER makes good on his threat to leave, then maybe look him up again but LS is awash in posts from OW whose MM have told years' worth of tales about how horrid their wives are but, year after year, come up with excuses for not leaving. If you want to join this miserable crowd, stick with this guy.

[whichwayisup]

I feel more and more like a dumba-- now. But thats probably a good thing. So thanks guys, seriously.

 

Noooo....Don't feel like a dumba$$!!! It is HIM not you!! Don't make it about you, please. Enough women on here internalize these feelings and it f*cks them up in the head...Just know that he probably really does care about you - But isn't planning and can't do anything right now which is why it is for your own best interest to cool off and back off from this situation.

 

The kids are 5 and 8.

 

To answer the question UP about why she thinks they will be married even though in separate bedrooms, I asked him the same question.

 

The answer he gave me was: "Now if you were in her position, and we are in different bedrooms, and I tell you I am not in love with you and don't want to get married, aren't you going to take the hint? She doesn't get it!"

 

Those kids are so young. Remember they probably don't "understand" their folks relationship and I bet you that 'together' they play mommy and daddy.

 

Even though he said she isn't getting the hint, he probably is giving her some kind of vibe for her to feel that way.

 

I would hope I would get the hint but have not been in that position, and I pray I never am.

 

You may not...But if you continue with him - You will be in another situation that I think you don't want to be in...

[Mr Spock]

And it's his house, it was his before she came along, so why should he leave his own house?

 

 

Because if he REALLY was so there for "just the kids" and was unhappy he'd leave his kids with the house they're used to living in and move out. That is the kind of balls it takes to leave an unhappy relationship and most men don't HAVE those kinds of balls. Money is too important to them.

 

 

"Take the hint"

 

 

Again, this woman will never EVER voluntarily leave him, unless something better came along. He is obviously what she thinks the best thing that's happened to her if she went back after he threw her out. She is dependant on him, and always will be.

[goldy]

i'm sorry i hadnt seen your reply.

well all i can say is actions speak louder than words.

so it was his house first but then he went and had babies with a lady so things change a little bit.

this woman who he may not love is still the mother of his children and if he was decent he would let her have the house whilst he got a smaller place and they could share custody, even swap homes depending on whose turn with the children etc, there are many options. ok it makes things more difficult but thats how it goes and other men accept these conditions.

if he wants to be a single guy he has to accept that she is entitled to have the children too and he needs to make proper arrangements. the children are not very old. i know hardly any married mothers who work. what she is doing does not strike me as unusual or lazy.

he cannot really complain that she doesnt pay the bills, just because they are not actually married, they are still living together and raising children in the same way. if they were married would it still seem that she was being lazy etc? this guy sounds like he has a get out clause for everything,

[whatamidoinghere]

Thanks guys for all your help, will keep in mind tonite.

 

I have to run right now for a couple hours. If you think of anything else for me to tell him, by all means

 

FIRE AWAY!

 

Wish me luck, I will need it!