My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere...trying to understand why? Drugs?

[Meg0991]

I'm new to forums...but I have been driving myself crazy over this and I really need advice aside from my family and friends advice.

This is going to be a little lengthy but its the only way I can get everything across.

 

My boyfriend, well ex, and I have been together almost 2 years. We have never broken up, we have our fair amount of small, usually stupid arguments. We have had a few serious arguments and it always had to do with XANAX. He liked Xanax and I believe has a slight addiction to it regardless of what he says. In the beginning he would pop multiple pieces of the xanax bars a day. Starting when he got up in the morning and throughout the day. He was in between jobs. He gave it up for a while. He always said he prayed for someone like me and that I have helped him be the man he wants to be. I have helped support him through everything...never did I give up on him. Now, he is in school for massage therapy (which I was kinda iffy about but I supported anyway), works full time, and makes decent money while doing so. BUT, every so often he will relapse on xanax for about a week and won't do it again for about 3-4 months. Same old cycle every time. We'd argue, he'd say he'll stop. I tell him how it changes him and makes him totally opposite of the guy I fell in love with. Well, the last time he relapsed (about 1.5 months ago) we tried a small intervention with his parents and I gave him the choice of the pills or me. His parents told him if he does it anymore he will be kicked out of their house and not welcomed back. Obviously he chose me, because things were pretty good. He is a very hard worker, keeps a 4.0 GPA and I know the stress gets to him sometimes but again, I'm there for him every step of the way.

 

So, a few days ago I was diagnosed with a kidney infection, so I had to call off work and I have been in bed since. The day after I got sick, he texted me that he was going to come over and we could watch movies and he'd take care of me. He was coming over after school so around 10:30 pm. Everything was perfect before this. We are in love. We are each others support system, emotional crutch, best friend, we practically lived together. We missed each other too much if we went one night of not sleeping in the same bed. Before he went to school that day he was fine. He called me multiple times during the day to see how I was doing and everything. Well at 10 pm class had ended and he made his way to my house. I was so excited as I hadn't seen him since the day before. He came in the house went to my room and threw his phone on my bed where I was sitting, gave me a quick hug and kiss and said he had to run to the bathroom. Well, the second he left his phone went off with a text message. When he got back I told him he had one and he refused to check it. I said check it, could be an emergency or something its kinda late now. He still wouldn't. Eventually I told him check it and it was a text from a random number who he had claimed he had no idea who it was. Turned out to be a girl he had just met in class nearly 3 hours ago. Turns out HE asked for HER phone number.

 

May I add that this is extremely out of character for him. He hardly texts anyone, even his friends. He has always been loyal, and always told me he could never hurt me or cheat.

 

As he looked I grabbed his phone and scrolled up. The first texts were from him and were in the time span from when he had left school to when he had arrived at my house, so about 40 minutes. They were texts to her how he thought she was very attractive and she said thanks you're really cute yourself and all this flirtatious texts back and forth. I was so upset. So shocked. I didn't yell, I couldn't even cry. All I did was ask why, why are you talking to another girl. His response was "it just happened". Of course that made me mad so I started to get a little angry. I was doing all the talking, he just sat on the bed and wouldn't say anything, wouldn't even look at me. The only thing he said was it was a girl that he just met in class tonight. I ended up calling this girl from his phone and I talked to her, she said he gotten her number and she had no idea he had a girlfriend. She apologized to me and after I hung up with her sent him a text saying "I cant talk to someone who has a girlfriend or who would do this to their girlfriend"

 

About 15 minutes later, he says " I don't think we should be together. I love you but we shouldn't be together. I have to walk on eggshells and cant do what I want"

After having a couple days to rack my brain over and over, literally driving myself insane, I realized what that phrase could mean. Did he not want to tell me hes back on pills? He knows I would either break up with him or lecture him yet again? Afraid I would tell his parents and he'd be out a place to live? Was this all basically just a set up because he chose the pills over me? Mind you, he seems to relapse when I am sick and I'm not around. When he first came into my room that night I was looking at him, analyzing him, because I can tell right away when hes high on xanax.

 

The xanax makes him totally opposite of who he truly is. He has no regards for anyone or their feelings. He says and basically does what he wants. Becomes the most rude, stubborn person to deal with. It is hard, but I love him. I cherished the moments, days, months, he wasn't on pills.

 

Basically, I took it as he broke up with me out of nowhere for some girl he had literally met and started talking to hours before hand. I cannot believe this has happened. I'm having a really rough time because in most ways we were perfect. My family loves him, I'm close with his mom. He always talked about marriage, how when he graduates in the spring we can find a place since he'll have a better paying job, and I'll almost be done with school. He talked about kids, and how he wants to be married in the next couple of years (to me). I had never expected this. When my friends and family found out they were just as shocked as I was...there were no signs, he didn't distance himself, it was the same it had been since our first date.

 

He had been starting to hang out with some of his older friends, who he was trying to stray away from because of the influence of the drugs. He was trying to better his life for not only himself but for me also. How could he throw it all away in practically the time period of a few hours? I don't understand? The only explanation I have for it is the drugs have made their way back into his life and he didn't want to face me with it so he used this to break it off. I know this wasn't him. It was not the guy I have spent the last 2 years of my life with...he was just, different that night. Now, i'm stuck here devastated. Gave him some time and he texted me yesterday saying that I could come pick up a few of my things I still have at his house. For a minute I thought if it were the pills making him this way that he would have a moment of sobriety and realize what hes doing. I guess not. Seems he is sticking with his decision.

 

I am still so shocked and devastated I haven't left the house or my bed in 3 days. I don't understand what could have happened in that short period of time. The only explanation I have is drugs, and him choosing them.

I am lost, I don't know what to do. This is the man I wanted to spend my life with...we were doing so good. We have great careers going, the same goals, same ambitions.

[ThorntonMelon]

it always had to do with XANAX

 

he would pop multiple pieces of the xanax bars a day. Starting when he got up in the morning and throughout the day.

 

every so often he will relapse on xanax

 

I gave him the choice of the pills or me. His parents told him if he does it anymore he will be kicked out of their house and not welcomed back

 

HE asked for HER phone number.

 

texts to her how he thought she was very attractive

 

He has no regards for anyone or their feelings. He says and basically does what he wants. Becomes the most rude, stubborn person to deal with.

 

It is hard

 

He had been starting to hang out with some of his older friends, who he was trying to stray away from because of the influence of the drugs.

 

BUT

 

Everything was perfect before this. We are in love. We are each others support system, emotional crutch, best friend

 

we were doing so good

 

This is the man I wanted to spend my life with

 

I think you need to start by seeking out a therapist who can help you reconcile these two sets of statements. And I recommend al-anon meetings because being the partner of an addict is crazy making.

 

Please don't make any decisions before you get personal help. Your brain is not in any condition to make decisions right now.

[Meg0991]

I am saying the previous time he relapsed, I gave him the ultimatum. He obviously chose me at that time and I was willing to help and stay with him as long as I could. We do love each other, the pills aside. Besides the occasional relapse I'm saying we had no trust issues, and there was never an issue with him talking to another girl. No arguments usually either. Things were great. This came out of nowhere (no signs from him), so at this time I am not only devastated, but confused.

[Elias33]

So the pill addiction made him talk to another girl? The thing is, addiction aside, he was probably window shopping long before he made this move. Maybe he wanted someone that would accept his drug addiction. Either way, the only way he would eventually accept you, is if you would accept his addiction. While he chose you when you gave him that ultimatum, it may have been because he knew that it was good for him. But it didn't mean that he chose you over the addiction, it's just that he had to live up the standard that came with, choosing for you.

 

I hope you find strength and hope during this time. Have a good day

[Meg0991]

Thank you. Its not so much the addiction made him talk to another girl, but the way he thinks and acts when he's on them. No regards for anyone else but himself. That being said, he really just didn't care. Plus, I'm sure if he is even still talking to this girl, she will surely find out and won't tolerate it either. Except she probably wont be like me and try to help.

[ThorntonMelon]

But that's the thing -it didn't come from nowhere. You're just ignoring the signs. He has an addiction, to the point his parents were willing to intervene.

 

I hope you find strength as well. I really hope you seek out help that can work with you to process this. He is a tumor in your life that you need to excise to live in a healthy way.