Does this seem like really hot and cold behavior, or am I just overreacting?

[desertsessions]

I need some perspective big time... I need to know if I'm overreacting or just being used. I know it may be hard to tell, but that's why I'm ruminating over this situation because I don't know what to do.

 

I had an ex a really cared about a few years ago come back and start talking to me again. This happened last year around summer time. She had a boyfriend at the time so it wasn't a lot of contact... just a quick catch-up here and there through Facebook. So January of this year, six months later her boyfriend and her break-up... and she starts talking to me quite a bit more. We'd talk on the phone and text a lot and I feel we got quite close again. Then in July we went to a music festival together, she ended up meeting a guy there the first night and hung out with him the whole festival. I asked her a few times to hangout, and it seemed like she'd make some excuse to not hangout with me, and go hangout with that other guy. This really hurt me because even if she did consider us just friends, it's a friendly thing to do to actually make time for your "Friends".

 

So a few days after the festival we start talking on Facebook and she asks if I'm angry at her... I said no, even though i was pretty upset with her. I told her over the last few months I started to like her again and she said so far she was just thinking of it as friends, and she really is not meaning to hurt my feelings. "Sorry for not being fair"

 

Now before the festival, we were talking almost everyday... I noticed afterwords... she would take longer and longer to respond to me on Facebook. To the point I felt like she was just using me the whole time as an emotional crutch. So I distanced myself. She sent one text that I ignored... and then two weeks later another Facebook message saying "Really, I get nothing anymo' :(" I explained that it didn't feel very good that she ditched me the whole festival for some guy she just met... and that I liked her but if she wasn't interested in seeing me... I have to walk away for good. I told her I missed talking to her, but I wasn't going to stand for that...

 

three weeks later I get a message... saying

 

"I'm sorry I haven't written you back yet.

 

It's not that it doesn't matter to me, it does very much. I just haven't really decided on what to say...

 

or found the time to sit down and really think it through to write something meaningful. im sorry :("

 

It's been a month and a half since she sent that... I'm confused because she seems like she feels bad, but should it really take that long to answer me back when she knows I'm upset about it... I just feel like I was so nice to her and caring the whole time we were talking, and now I feel like she barely wants to speak with me.... but if she barely wants to speak with me... why would she even sent texts and that first message asking if I'm really not going to speak to her anymore

 

Does this seem like really hot and cold behavior, or am I just overreacting?

[PegNosePete]

"I'm sorry I haven't written you back yet.

 

It's not that it doesn't matter to me, it does very much. I just haven't really decided on what to say...

 

or found the time to sit down and really think it through to write something meaningful. im sorry :("

I am fluent in ex-speak. Allow me to translate.

 

"I do not reciprocate your feelings, but I want to maintain the status quo. I don't know what I can say to make you feel the same as me".

 

Dude if you're still into her, you need to stop this contact. She does not have the same feelings. Continued contact will just cause heartache for you. You may be able to be friends with her -- after you've lost these feelings. But it's pretty clear that she doesn't want anything more.

[desertsessions]

I am fluent in ex-speak. Allow me to translate.

 

"I do not reciprocate your feelings, but I want to maintain the status quo. I don't know what I can say to make you feel the same as me".

 

Dude if you're still into her, you need to stop this contact. She does not have the same feelings. Continued contact will just cause heartache for you. You may be able to be friends with her -- after you've lost these feelings. But it's pretty clear that she doesn't want anything more.

 

 

Why would she continue to contact me when I asked her to only if she was interested? Just some selfish act?

[Quest]

She would like to be friends, but realizes, because you've been honest with her and said it upfront, that you want more. She knows that it's unfair of her to spend time with you when that's the case. She also realizes she's hurt you by what she did at the festival and feels bad about it but if she makes contact she'll be hurting you again and it will give you hopes that she can't fulfill. She's therefore not contacted you but felt bad about that too - because she knows it's hurtful. So she sent you the text saying she couldn't think of anything meaningful to say - trying not to give you the hurt of no response but at the same time not trying to indicate in doing so she was 'interested'. That's how I see it anyway. Basically, she feels bad about it all and doesn't want to do any more harm. I'd stay away unless and until I felt I really could be 'just friends', although I'm not sure real friends do what she did at the festival.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why would she continue to contact me when I asked her to only if she was interested? Just some selfish act?

 

Because she can. Because she knows that you are hung up on her and an easy mark, an easy ego boost. Just because you request something doesn't mean they are going to comply. She's not interested but doesn't want you to think she's the bad guy.

[Seeker12]

Save yourself the hassle and drop it to her straight, if she wants to work on something with you, then tell her to commit to it and you, and then see if you can make it something. If she doesnt commit, well then youll always know she just wanted the comfort and ego boost of knowing some poor guys hung up over her and she can turn to him when she needs him and drop him whenever she wants.

It is a selfish act, very selfish, and to be honest im not sure if she knows what she is doing.

[desertsessions]

Save yourself the hassle and drop it to her straight, if she wants to work on something with you, then tell her to commit to it and you, and then see if you can make it something. If she doesnt commit, well then youll always know she just wanted the comfort and ego boost of knowing some poor guys hung up over her and she can turn to him when she needs him and drop him whenever she wants.

It is a selfish act, very selfish, and to be honest im not sure if she knows what she is doing.

 

This resonates with me, because I kind of feel she may not even realize that she's being quite selfish. She's a kind girl so I don't think she'd do that, but I'm starting to second guess if she's really as kind as I thought she was. It's not like I even gave her an ultimatum of choose me, or lose me. I left her an option and just said I'm not up for friends, but if you change your mind the doors open. As of now though, I'm walking away from this if you're not interested because I have to be true to myself.

 

I thought i was quite direct with what I wanted. At that point I thought we were both just going to go on with our lives. She didn't have to continue talking to me three weeks later, or have to make me feel better because I walked away and told her it was all good. So that's why I'm a bit confused with why she contacted me asking if I'm really not going to speak with her anymore... then doesn't respond to me for a month and a half when I told her I was upset with how she ditched me.

 

You'd think if you ditched someone, and they felt bad about it.. you'd respond to them as promptly as you could to make them feel better if you actually cared about them! I know i would.

Edited October 30, 2014 by desertsessions