averagedude99 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 2nd marriage. Married for 11yrs. Last marriage (13yrs) ended with her running off with highschool sweetheart. Took a while to get over it.......trust issues looming for along time. Now married again, my wife is and has always had lots of guy friends, ....more than girl friends. She has always been flirtatious. Noticed it from very start, but didn't want place my distrust on a non-deserving person. I let a lot of issues go, thinking I was comparing actions. Even went to counseling (together and alone) for advice. Counselor actually said she needed to dial it back some. She was in disbelief that he said that. They are just friends, she says. To be fair, she married me (her first) in her 40's, so a lot of independence was there, and a lot of relationships. After a few years things seem to smooth out until FBook. She started tracking several guys she used to hang out / date with in past. I know this due to pages being seen while she walked away. She is very unique. I have never met someone so dedicated to keep old relationships going, especially with men. Couple of guys in particular she has contacted their sons and daughters, by way of research on fbook, just to see how their "dad" was doing. And also get contact information.......very strange to me, but maybe I'm overreaching here. Lots of data I left out that would whet your appetite, but I'm wondering if the need for attention (I give her a lot) is so severe, that she has to keep this stuff going. And yes, there were sexual conversations and "memories" listed in detail with these guys..... Whaddaya think? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I think she sounds like trouble. Contacting old flames is bad enough, but discussing sexual things with them is completely out of line. I can tell you that if I did that, it would be with the intent - consciously or subconsciously - to start things up again. I would never do this to a man that I was devoted to. I think you're right to be concerned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 The way I see it is you married her fully aware that she was this way. Now you expect her to change? I think you need to communicate how uncomfortable you are about what she is doing. No with that out of the way. Trust your gut. Don't make the same mistake that so many of us betrayed husbands do "my wife would never..." If you think its wrong and off, then its wrong and off. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 It's just a matter of time before she meets up with one of her old flames if this pattern continues.bstop making excuses for her . A lot of women are flirtatious but do not look up old lovers and rehash sexual escapades with them. She obviously needs this external validation but if you allow it to continue you will be anabH shortly if not already 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 The extreme need for validation is a huge issue-if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to talk about it NOW before it goes on any longer- thats the point, it doesn't matter what any of us think-if you don't like it-say something- Link to post Share on other sites
Author averagedude99 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) Thanks for all responses... I wanted to get a reference from other folks as my vision is foggy. She has changed a lot from when we were first married....I would have gotten out if not. DTK3 makes a fair point...I knew she was flirty when I married her. Just never expected her to still be "single" after the marriage. My thoughts are that she is now living this stuff out via fbook instead of at the parties and socials. I should mention that she is on several meds (antidepressants) as well. She never told me about these til months after we were married. Can this have anything to do with this? Just asking.... Trouble is now I'm having flashbacks from the previous marriage. Lots of scenarios that I have seen before. This is especially hard because she knows what I went through with the ex. When I say something about this stuff (and I have) we have had knock down drag outs winding up me being the insanely jealous husband. And she tells others this, which really pisses me off. Fact is, I'm not a jealous person by nature, but I guess anybody can be pulled into this trap with enough provocation if you care about them. Eventually i started playing some of her games to make her wear the shoes for a while...all of a sudden, I was getting questions about these women that I talk about too much....or asking...who are you talking to...so jealousy can be mustered up in her as well...... Bathtub-Row makes sense to me as well. If I did what she was doing, how would she react....I have asked her this several times...I get "I don't know" each time. This has boiled down to a couple of guys that she says she will always be close to....doesn't admit ever dating either. One of them "think about him every day" was written on fbook chat that i was able to see....although he (married) is not responding back to her. So she is contacting his daughter to make sure he is ok....weird stuff............ Any ideas what makes this woman tick...lol Edited October 30, 2014 by averagedude99 Link to post Share on other sites
Author averagedude99 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Thanks for all responses... I wanted to get a reference from other folks as my vision is foggy. She has changed a lot from when we were first married....I would have gotten out if not. DTK3 makes a fair point...I knew she was flirty when I married her. Just never expected her to still be "single" after the marriage. My thoughts are that she is now living this stuff out via fbook instead of at the parties and socials. I should mention that she is on several meds (antidepressants) as well. She never told me about these til months after we were married. Can this have anything to do with this? Just asking.... Trouble is now I'm having flashbacks from the previous marriage. Lots of scenarios that I have seen before. This is especially hard because she knows what I went through with the ex. When I say something about this stuff (and I have) we have had knock down drag outs winding up me being the insanely jealous husband. And she tells others this. Fact is, I'm not a jealous person by nature, but I guess anybody can be pulled into this trap with enough provocation if you care about them. Eventually i started playing some of her games to make her wear the shoes for a while...all of a sudden, I was getting questions about these women that I talk about too much....or asking...who are you talking to...so jealousy can be mustered up in her as well...... Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 AverageDude You cannot let this go one and have to totally reject that you are some kind of jealous idiot. When she makes that statement disclose to the person or persons exactly what she is doing and saying and embarrass the shot out of her. Your wife is fishing for an affair partner and if she is that determined to carry on these communications with other men she will graduate to Ashley Madison shortly if she does not find an old boyfriend to meet up with her. And to hell with her privacy crap. This is not normal or acceptable behavior for a married woman. And from her lack of remorse on this, if you really want to protect yourself you should put a VAR in her car. If you allow her to intimidate you into silence and acceptance you are in for a world of hurt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author averagedude99 Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Frisky, I am gonna have to agree with you....this has gone on long enough!!! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 This is not such a tough one - your wife is crossing boundaries and going outside your marriage for emotional and sexual validation. She is also gaslighting you into thinking that YOU are the problem, which is even more troubling. Gaslighting is insidious because it further erodes you're self confidence. Not only is your wife acting out, but now she's making you doubt your own eyes and ears. That is poisonous to a marriage. Bottom line, your wife is "medicating" her depression and anxiety with these extramarital contacts. She needs to get honest with herself, and with you, about what is going on - and then she needs to get into therapy, pronto. Otherwise it's just a matter of time until you're dealing with full-fledged infidelity and your marriage breaks up. I'm very sorry this is happening to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 As Dr Phil often says, if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, you probably shouldn't be doing it. She's doing lots of things she wouldn't do in front of you. I'm also very concerned that she lied to you through omission by not divulging the fact that she was on medication for depression. This is a total misrepresentation of herself and it kept you from knowing what you were getting into. Not meaning to sound mean, but someone taking medication for depression would very likely be a dealbreaker for me. The fact that she withheld this information makes it that much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Cressida Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 2nd marriage. Married for 11yrs. Last marriage (13yrs) ended with her running off with highschool sweetheart. (...)my wife is and has always had lots of guy friends, ....more than girl friends. She has always been flirtatious. Noticed it from very start, but didn't want place my distrust on a non-deserving person. (...) Even went to counseling (together and alone) for advice. Counselor actually said she needed to dial it back some. She was in disbelief that he said that. (...)she married me (her first) in her 40's, so a lot of independence was there, and a lot of relationships. (...) She is very unique. I have never met someone so dedicated to keep old relationships going, especially with men. (...)And yes, there were sexual conversations and "memories" listed in detail with these guys..... Whaddaya think? Gee, I don't know, dude. What do I personally think? That your wife is a super cool and dedicated partner, she's just being herself, you know...it happens! Women in their 50's often go after old flames when they've been married for more than 10 years...it's totally normal! It's ok, no need to worry. R u serious, dude. YOU married a woman in her 40's who's now in her '50's or even 60's, YOU went to counseling wanting to make up for a mistake you have made years before (kudos to you, btw, for admitting your fault and wanting to become a better person- everybody deserves a second chance particularly when they work hard at getting it), YOU made this woman your wife, not your girlfriend or f**k buddy, it was YOU who worried about wronging her because of something you did years before, YOU married some old woman (sorry but it's true!) despite much younger women existing out there, ...and it's AGAIN YOU who comes here complaining about this woman being so disrespectful and literally batsh*t crazy to stalk exlovers and their kids and reminisce sexual past anecdotes?? Don't you see how weird, stupid, awful, disgusting and overall terrible that is? What is wrong with your wife? She's in her 50's for goodness' sake, not in her teens. Why are you allowing her to be flirtatious? How do you think that makes you look, particularly at her age? She is flirtatious? Are YOU also flirtatious? Why would anyone do stuff like this and then consider it ok, I honestly cannot comprehend, friending ex lovers on Facebook, talking about sex.....with all due respect dude, cause I don't know you and all that, but your wife sounds like an awful woman who should be utterly and completely ashamed of herself. You go talk to her and ask her to stop this awful deed she's doing, it's just ridiculous. Why did you even marry a woman like that? I'm sorry, i might sound blunt or rude, but I have wondered so many times how come people end up crying over spilled milk when they themselves MARRIED someone they saw was surrounded by red flags straight from the gate. Especially men, who are assumed to be pickier than women. I think you should go talk to her and tell her to end this crap, ask her to go to counseling with you and if she doesn't want to, tell her to GTFO. It's just utterly preposterous, seriously now. What a tool the woman is! Link to post Share on other sites
Cressida Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Just never expected her to still be "single" after the marriage. (..) I should mention that she is on several meds (antidepressants) as well. She never told me about these til months after we were married. Your good treatment of her coupled with your extreme high threshold for disrespect and lunacy make you appear as a weak man, who's really walking on eggshells to make things cushier for your wife, who doesn't seem to give a f**k. She should go see a doctor and get on with YOUR life, not be on Facebook with men. You have to adopt a radical attitude and put your foot down....the previous responses said the same thing- go to counseling, monitor her progress with her meds, talk to her...don't allow this to go overboard or you'll most probably end up with her having affair after affair and losing yourself by tolerating them. I really do feel sorry for you. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Gee, I don't know, dude. What do I personally think? That your wife is a super cool and dedicated partner, she's just being herself, you know...it happens! Women in their 50's often go after old flames when they've been married for more than 10 years...it's totally normal! It's ok, no need to worry. R u serious, dude. YOU married a woman in her 40's who's now in her '50's or even 60's, YOU went to counseling wanting to make up for a mistake you have made years before (kudos to you, btw, for admitting your fault and wanting to become a better person- everybody deserves a second chance particularly when they work hard at getting it), YOU made this woman your wife, not your girlfriend or f**k buddy, it was YOU who worried about wronging her because of something you did years before, YOU married some old woman (sorry but it's true!) despite much younger women existing out there, ...and it's AGAIN YOU who comes here complaining about this woman being so disrespectful and literally batsh*t crazy to stalk exlovers and their kids and reminisce sexual past anecdotes?? Don't you see how weird, stupid, awful, disgusting and overall terrible that is? What is wrong with your wife? She's in her 50's for goodness' sake, not in her teens. Why are you allowing her to be flirtatious? How do you think that makes you look, particularly at her age? She is flirtatious? Are YOU also flirtatious? Why would anyone do stuff like this and then consider it ok, I honestly cannot comprehend, friending ex lovers on Facebook, talking about sex.....with all due respect dude, cause I don't know you and all that, but your wife sounds like an awful woman who should be utterly and completely ashamed of herself. You go talk to her and ask her to stop this awful deed she's doing, it's just ridiculous. Why did you even marry a woman like that? I'm sorry, i might sound blunt or rude, but I have wondered so many times how come people end up crying over spilled milk when they themselves MARRIED someone they saw was surrounded by red flags straight from the gate. Especially men, who are assumed to be pickier than women. I think you should go talk to her and tell her to end this crap, ask her to go to counseling with you and if she doesn't want to, tell her to GTFO. It's just utterly preposterous, seriously now. What a tool the woman is! Wow. I kinda think you could have given the same, good advice in a kinder way. No need to flip out. Having said that, what you say is true. Sounds like teenager stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 IMHO you married someone who you shouldn't have and dialed down your insecurities when you shouldn't have because they were blaring red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
Author averagedude99 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Gee, I don't know, dude. What do I personally think? That your wife is a super cool and dedicated partner, she's just being herself, you know...it happens! Women in their 50's often go after old flames when they've been married for more than 10 years...it's totally normal! It's ok, no need to worry. R u serious, dude. YOU married a woman in her 40's who's now in her '50's or even 60's, YOU went to counseling wanting to make up for a mistake you have made years before (kudos to you, btw, for admitting your fault and wanting to become a better person- everybody deserves a second chance particularly when they work hard at getting it), YOU made this woman your wife, not your girlfriend or f**k buddy, it was YOU who worried about wronging her because of something you did years before, YOU married some old woman (sorry but it's true!) despite much younger women existing out there, ...and it's AGAIN YOU who comes here complaining about this woman being so disrespectful and literally batsh*t crazy to stalk exlovers and their kids and reminisce sexual past anecdotes?? Don't you see how weird, stupid, awful, disgusting and overall terrible that is? What is wrong with your wife? She's in her 50's for goodness' sake, not in her teens. Why are you allowing her to be flirtatious? How do you think that makes you look, particularly at her age? She is flirtatious? Are YOU also flirtatious? Why would anyone do stuff like this and then consider it ok, I honestly cannot comprehend, friending ex lovers on Facebook, talking about sex.....with all due respect dude, cause I don't know you and all that, but your wife sounds like an awful woman who should be utterly and completely ashamed of herself. You go talk to her and ask her to stop this awful deed she's doing, it's just ridiculous. Why did you even marry a woman like that? I'm sorry, i might sound blunt or rude, but I have wondered so many times how come people end up crying over spilled milk when they themselves MARRIED someone they saw was surrounded by red flags straight from the gate. Especially men, who are assumed to be pickier than women. I think you should go talk to her and tell her to end this crap, ask her to go to counseling with you and if she doesn't want to, tell her to GTFO. It's just utterly preposterous, seriously now. What a tool the woman is! No beating around the bush here...lol...But seriously, Your remarks are on point, I don't mind the in your face facts because they are what they are.....I've gotten excellent advice on this board, and for the most part, all have matched my gut feelings. After you live with someone for a while.....your judgement gets cloudy...I'm moving in the right direction now...thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author averagedude99 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 IMHO you married someone who you shouldn't have and dialed down your insecurities when you shouldn't have because they were blaring red flags. Yes, you are correct, I am resolving this issue. Life is too short..... thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Sorry you're going through this. After my divorce was final, I tracked down many of my ex-boyfriends to see if they were single for the purpose of restarting the relationship. I thought about contacting them when I was married and unhappy, but knew I would end up emotional involved or in an affair. I worked in a lot of male dominated fields and had many male friends. I tried never to give my husband or boyfriends any reasons to distrust or doubt me. They met and we socialized with many of my buddies and their wives. Im thinking you're wife may have some narcissism problems as well. That's a whole lot of external validation she is fishing for. Link to post Share on other sites
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