You tell me

[Mentos]

Let me start off by saying, I'll try to keep this short.

 

 

A little background on my situation: I'm 32, GF is 31 with 2 sons, we've been dating roughly 1.5 years. We do not live together and we see each other most weekends and a night or so every other week.

 

 

Over the last couple months I feel as it we may be drifting apart. We text less during the day (we once made time, however we are always too 'busy'). Our sex life has dwindled from what it once was. I don't discipline her sons, b/c that's not my place. I've attempted to correct her sons if they are talking back to her, however she doesn't like when I intervene. I'm beginning to see the sons as a bit ungrateful and unappreciative of what their mother works hard to give them (I know some kids are selfish at times).

 

 

Also, the once funny and endearing quirks are really starting to grate on my nerves...even after politely talking to her about it, she hasn't met me half way on some of the issues.

 

 

We never really argue, which is good....however when we do have a small disagreement, she shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it.

 

 

Over the last couple weeks, I've began thinking what if I'm holding her back, or what if she is holding me back? We slipped into a comfortable arrangement, however I feel myself becoming frustrated with things I cannot change ......and they fact that something is missing from our relationship.

 

 

I also find myself daydreaming about the single life again and new possibilities to meet more compatible women.

 

 

This past weekend we had the house ALL to ourselves. We made 'sweet love' once although it was lacking, and I mostly sat around all weekend while she worked on 'work stuff on her work laptop'. She did buy me some bagels though so I know she is thinking about me in some ways. She knows I like blueberry bagels (yum!)

 

 

Lastly.... I don't mean to be the typical male, however she has put on a few pounds due to a 'thyroid' issue.....the extra weight doesn't bother me much, however her lack of motivation to change it does. I've offered walks, exercising, however she isn't interested. I find that frustrating as well since I'm a fit guy.

 

 

You tell me , what are your thoughts? Is the relationship fizzling out, or just going through a slump.

[Redhead14]

Let me start off by saying, I'll try to keep this short.

 

 

A little background on my situation: I'm 32, GF is 31 with 2 sons, we've been dating roughly 1.5 years. We do not live together and we see each other most weekends and a night or so every other week.

 

 

Over the last couple months I feel as it we may be drifting apart. We text less during the day (we once made time, however we are always too 'busy'). Our sex life has dwindled from what it once was. I don't discipline her sons, b/c that's not my place. I've attempted to correct her sons if they are talking back to her, however she doesn't like when I intervene. I'm beginning to see the sons as a bit ungrateful and unappreciative of what their mother works hard to give them (I know some kids are selfish at times).

 

 

Also, the once funny and endearing quirks are really starting to grate on my nerves...even after politely talking to her about it, she hasn't met me half way on some of the issues.

 

 

We never really argue, which is good....however when we do have a small disagreement, she shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it.

 

 

Over the last couple weeks, I've began thinking what if I'm holding her back, or what if she is holding me back? We slipped into a comfortable arrangement, however I feel myself becoming frustrated with things I cannot change ......and they fact that something is missing from our relationship.

 

 

I also find myself daydreaming about the single life again and new possibilities to meet more compatible women.

 

 

This past weekend we had the house ALL to ourselves. We made 'sweet love' once although it was lacking, and I mostly sat around all weekend while she worked on 'work stuff on her work laptop'. She did buy me some bagels though so I know she is thinking about me in some ways. She knows I like blueberry bagels (yum!)

 

 

Lastly.... I don't mean to be the typical male, however she has put on a few pounds due to a 'thyroid' issue.....the extra weight doesn't bother me much, however her lack of motivation to change it does. I've offered walks, exercising, however she isn't interested. I find that frustrating as well since I'm a fit guy.

 

 

You tell me , what are your thoughts? Is the relationship fizzling out, or just going through a slump.

 

First, after a year and a half, you're not really spending very much time together. When there is too much space between a couple, the connection stays kinda loose. You are living separate lives, coming in and out of each others lives. And, from what you've said above, it sounds like the time you do spend together, is not quality time.

 

One thing you could do, is try to incorporate some new activities as a couple. Even something simple like bowling on a league. Just something different that brings you together more often as a couple.

 

I've highlighted a number of negative comments above. There are quite a lot of them from you. There is really no way for us to know if this is just a slump. How long have you been feeling this way? If it's been a few months, it's likely more than a slump. If it's just a couple of weeks, it may be just a slump.

 

Put a value on the relationship balance -- Were you happy 80% of the time and unhappy 20% of the time and now it's 20% happy and 80% unhappy? If the balance has gone that way, it may mean it's time to move on. And, that ratio is probably different for each person. I mean, some people are OK with being happy in a relationship 60% and unhappy 40%, but then they've probably been slipping into the "comfortable zone" and just going through the motions.

 

A year and half spent together is probably worth trying couples counseling. Nothing to lose really.

[Mentos]

First, after a year and a half, you're not really spending very much time together. When there is too much space between a couple, the connection stays kinda loose. You are living separate lives, coming in and out of each others lives. And, from what you've said above, it sounds like the time you do spend together, is not quality time.

 

One thing you could do, is try to incorporate some new activities as a couple. Even something simple like bowling on a league. Just something different that brings you together more often as a couple.

 

I've highlighted a number of negative comments above. There are quite a lot of them from you. There is really no way for us to know if this is just a slump. How long have you been feeling this way? If it's been a few months, it's likely more than a slump. If it's just a couple of weeks, it may be just a slump.

 

Put a value on the relationship balance -- Were you happy 80% of the time and unhappy 20% of the time and now it's 20% happy and 80% unhappy? If the balance has gone that way, it may mean it's time to move on. And, that ratio is probably different for each person. I mean, some people are OK with being happy in a relationship 60% and unhappy 40%, but then they've probably been slipping into the "comfortable zone" and just going through the motions.

 

A year and half spent together is probably worth trying couples counseling. Nothing to lose really.

Redhead, thank you for your detailed response. I'm going to take your advice to heart.

[Redhead14]

Redhead, thank you for your detailed response. I'm going to take your advice to heart.

 

Mentos, let me say this too . . . I was married for 30 years and now divorced for 6 years. The first 25 were wonderful. We went through "slumps" and they really only lasted about a month sometimes 2, but there was always something that kinda "brought" us around, a vacation, something going on with the kids that drew us back to closeness. It was the last 5 years where things really started to go down hill. My ex was working tons and tons of hours, even on weekends. Basically, we started living separate lives. I was taking care of the house and the kids and working, he was killing himself working. He was doing it because the overtime was there and he was young enough to handle it. But in the end, we lost our connection. We weren't doing very much as a couple and the sex was mechanical. Eventually, we just fell apart. We did try counseling, but we were too far gone. Don't wait 5 years to try to figure things out.

 

I was also engaged to a wonderful man for 2 years after my divorce. He passed away. But, we too had little blips, but they only lasted a short time. I never got to really find out how we would handle "slumps".

[Tayken]

Over the last couple months I feel as it we may be drifting apart. We text less during the day (we once made time, however we are always too 'busy'). Our sex life has dwindled from what it once was. I don't discipline her sons, b/c that's not my place. I've attempted to correct her sons if they are talking back to her, however she doesn't like when I intervene. I'm beginning to see the sons as a bit ungrateful and unappreciative of what their mother works hard to give them (I know some kids are selfish at times).

@OP.....

 

I took this portion of your post because this is where the problem lies. So it sounds to me like she has the kids all the time? Even if she doesn't, you are at a stage now where the infatuation is over, and the reality is starting to set in.

 

It doesn't get any better because you are 2nd class to all that is going on in her life right now. The kids sports, school, drama, etc will always come before you and your quality time that you see. You can't discipline the kids because they aren't yours, and she won't let that happen because she is trying to appease the kids to make up for not being with their dad.

 

Here is the think though, if you ever hook up with this woman and make home together, you are now a "father figure" for those kids, and although she might say initially that she doesn't need you to play a role, if things go south, she will definitely come after you for child support for those kids, and the law allows a woman to double dip.

 

So check the family law rules in your state before you blindly go all in. I speak from experience having married a woman who had her daughter all the time, but luckily for me I got away with the teeth of my pants. My ex was receiving CS, but attempted to get from me also.....I was able to show that the girl's father is paying CS, I never disciplined her, she never called me daddy, didn't claim her on my taxes, didn't go to her school PTA, and the role I played was no different from the one a neighbour would have played to anyone's kid(s). Nobody wants to pay for something they aren't getting or going to get returns from.

 

It's not worth it, and when a woman has her kid(s) all the time, it's a red flag for me and only tells me things and well aware of i.e. that she doesn't want a father in the kid's lives, that she wanted a table amount CS, is irrational, spiteful.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Tayken

[Diezel]

Over the last couple months I feel as it we may be drifting apart. We text less during the day (we once made time, however we are always too 'busy'). Our sex life has dwindled from what it once was. I don't discipline her sons, b/c that's not my place. I've attempted to correct her sons if they are talking back to her, however she doesn't like when I intervene.

 

Lastly.... I don't mean to be the typical male, however she has put on a few pounds due to a 'thyroid' issue.....the extra weight doesn't bother me much, however her lack of motivation to change it does. I've offered walks, exercising, however she isn't interested. I find that frustrating as well since I'm a fit guy.

 

 

End the relationship.

 

Immediately. You two don't even live together. Step away, very quickly before it gets much, much worse.

[Tayken]

@Mentos.....

 

Statutory Law and Financial Support of Stepchildren: State Law of General Applicability

 

In this usage, state law of "general applicability" refers to a stepparent's obligation to support stepchildren that is equated with the biological parent's obligation to support biological children — support obligations of stepparent and biological parent are coextensive. Some states do include the residential stepparent as a source of support in specified situations; some may even impose criminal penalties upon stepparents who do not fulfill the statutory duty of supporting their stepchildren. Where states have a statute providing that a stepparent has a financial responsibility to support a stepchild, it appears to be based upon the in loco parentis doctrine. Nevertheless, most stepchildren cannot legally claim support from their residential stepparents as few states have enacted statutes to enforce child support obligations on stepparents. (Twenty states do have a statute imposing a financial responsibility on the stepparent while the stepchild is living in the household: DE, HA, IA, KY, ME, MO, NJ, NY, NC, ND, OK, OR, SD, UT, VT, WA.)

 

 

 

National Stepfamily Resource Center