"you have to be happy alone..."

[Woggle]

I lived alone for three years between marriages and moving in with my wife was easy. Trust me when you have a genuinely happy and healthy relationship it is easy. At least it is for me. Other dates I wanted to send home after a few hours but I never feel she intrudes on anything though having two bathrooms both in NJ and here certainly helps.

[rester]

This is my "problem" in life. When I split with my ex I hated living alone as before that I'd always been a part of something bigger than myself. I'd just moved away from the town I called home so she could be close to her family and so knew nobody in the area. She'd also dumped 100k of debt on me and left me with 40 animals to care for (we ran a rescue home). The upshot was I spent the first three years of being single in near solitude. I worked every daylight hour to clear the debt, alone, and couldn't really go out on evenings and weekends because of the critters.

 

A neighbour, an old girl I got to know, warned me about getting to like living alone, being single and solitude too much. Thirteen years on, still single, haven't bothered with dating for years and way too comfortable being on my own. It's both healthy and not healthy. You can get too tough, too independent, too free, too comfortable with your own self and thoughts. Your strengths are your weaknesses.

 

Two Christmas's ago I had five invites to spend the day with friends or family. I turned them all down because I wanted to spend the day hill climbing, alone, in f*ck awful weather. Thoroughly enjoyed myself but it ain't good for you, not in the long run. Solitude is perhaps the greatest educator there is, but it's also a temptress, a mistress. Damned hard to quit once you fall for her.

 

I can relate to this. I've lived alone for about 12 years in 4 different major cities, and my need for alone time definitely affects my 3-year relationship. I often wonder what I'm doing in a relationship at all and if I'm cut out for this lifestyle because I always feel a little suffocated and that I'm sacrificing too much of myself for the relationship. Between my career, my band, exercise, and a couple passionate pastimes, along with a need for excessive alone-time, I find I have little time for the relationship. I've had long-term FWBs in my life that worked well, but I do prefer a committed, exclusive relationship.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well, you're sort of misinterpreting what people mean when they say that. Being happy alone doesn't mean you think "Gee, I'm so happy by myself I don't EVER want to be in a relationship". It means you think "While it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, I'm happy and comfortable enough by myself to be patient."

 

Wanting companionship does not mean you're "unhappy", it just means that though you recognize having a committed partner can contribute to and enhance your life in a positive way, you won't kill yourself searching for it or feel less than if things don't pan out a certain way.

 

It's a failsafe against becoming desperate and overzealous in the search for a relationship and risking possibly settling or staying in bad relationships for the sake of simply not being single.

 

BINGO!

[Snaggletooth]

It is really hard to quit. Sometimes I think I should have kept dating after my last relationship ended. I was only going to take a few months off, but the months are becoming years.

 

What I would say is that if someone definitely wants a committed relationship in the future then they shouldn't get too comfortable being alone.

 

I didn't date the first three years, I was too busy rebuilding life. Then I dated a little but ended up taking on someone else's kid so quit women to do right by him. Since he grew up I've never dated, just haven't felt the need.

 

The other year I started going for late night or early dawn walks. Second walk I asked myself why I wasn't doing this at a time where I could meet people. The answer came immediately, I didn't want to meet people. Just me, the stars and maybe the dawn birds. It's not a bad thing, there's nothing wrong with it, but its a change in myself brought on by becoming too comfortable on my Toddy Malone.

 

Over the years I've had a lot of women ask why I am single. Some who called me selfish for being so, others said it's a waste. I used to answer I've never met the right woman but that answer is slowly becoming I prefer it on my own. Once upon a time I wanted a wife and kids more than anything. Now peace and quiet appeals a lot more. I've spoken about it with other long time singles. Many have gone the same as I and now struggle to imagine life any other way.

 

More than anything it becomes a habit.

[Snaggletooth]

I can relate to this. I've lived alone for about 12 years in 4 different major cities, and my need for alone time definitely affects my 3-year relationship. I often wonder what I'm doing in a relationship at all and if I'm cut out for this lifestyle because I always feel a little suffocated and that I'm sacrificing too much of myself for the relationship. Between my career, my band, exercise, and a couple passionate pastimes, along with a need for excessive alone-time, I find I have little time for the relationship. I've had long-term FWBs in my life that worked well, but I do prefer a committed, exclusive relationship.

 

 

Yup, I sometimes wonder how I will react if I do meet a woman that really does it for me. I used to think I could easily flip back to being used to someone around but now I'm not so sure, so I'm slow to react as I don't want to lead anyone up the garden path. Who knows, maybe someone will jog me to want to change things, they'll have to be a hell of a lass, though.

[hotpotato]

What I would say is that if someone definitely wants a committed relationship in the future then they shouldn't get too comfortable being alone. [/Quote]

Agreed.

 

I guess people are different. Some may think "im happy so a relationship will enhance my life. Others think, "im happy so ill pass on relationships altogether."

 

I think you have to be uncomfortable being single on some level with being single.

 

I didn't date the first three years, I was too busy rebuilding life. Then I dated a little but ended up taking on someone else's kid so quit women to do right by him. Since he grew up I've never dated, just haven't felt the need.

 

The other year I started going for late night or early dawn walks. Second walk I asked myself why I wasn't doing this at a time where I could meet people. The answer came immediately, I didn't want to meet people. Just me, the stars and maybe the dawn birds. It's not a bad thing, there's nothing wrong with it, but its a change in myself brought on by becoming too comfortable on my Toddy Malone.

 

What a coincidence. I love late night walks. Ill stay at the beach for hours even on weekend nights while others are being social. Most people I dont notice. Im there enough to where random people in public recognize me as The Girl From the Bridge.

 

I had a stalker, and he thought it was sad I didnt want to date. Thats sad. Lol

Some other guy said I must be lonely. If its a Saturday night and im chillin by myself, obviously im fine with being alone! Clubs are walking distance from my spot, but I dont go.

 

 

Over the years I've had a lot of women ask why I am single. Some who called me selfish for being so, others said it's a waste. I used to answer I've never met the right woman but that answer is slowly becoming I prefer it on my own. Once upon a time I wanted a wife and kids more than anything. Now peace and quiet appeals a lot more. I've spoken about it with other long time singles. Many have gone the same as I and now struggle to imagine life any other way.

 

More than anything it becomes a habit.

 

I love my peace and quiet!

I wanted to be coupled so badly in my teens early 20s. In some ways it was good. I was more inclined to go out and meet people.

[OwMyEyeball]

"...before you can be happy with someone else."

 

How true is this?

 

Its just not very true for me. Im happy and have adapted to being single.

Now its to where not only am I happy to do activities alone,I prefer doing things alone.

 

Ive also had an influx of prospects. An ex tried to come back, then another guy who has known me for years decided he wanted to date me. Those incidences happened within days of each other. There are also two guys I like. One of them I like very much. I guess this is bringing out my anxiety.

 

Anyone else feel like this? I wonder why the 'universe' would give someone something they dont need.

I think someone has to be a little unhappy with being single to want to date.

My personal experience has been that I've been most open to dating, and truly enjoying it, when my heart was already filled with happiness and a genuine urge to connect with others. It wasn't just an interest with dating, but a real push to be more involved in the lives of friends and family. I had never felt so alive, optimistic and joyful as when I was dating and in the early stages of a relationship. None of that really had to do with the dating itself.

 

My belief is that reliance on one person as your chief source of happiness is a very effective way to guarantee future misery.

 

Happiness isn't an emotion so much as a state of being similar to depression or irritability. It's the undercurrent of being, not the surface waves. Learning how to cultivate that can be done regardless of relationship status. However, the potent euphoria of romance can hamper an individual's drive to develop the joy within - learn how it emanates and what life activities need to be put in place. They can become dependent on the positive effects of the relationship to the point where they will accept very negative aspects of it to continue getting their "high". It's at this point that the relationship takes on the characteristic of being an addiction, which at its source is an escape from unresolved pain (which is only in small part created by the relationship itself).

 

In seeking romance one should be careful to understand what's driving them in that direction. Is it a heartfelt wish to share in their joy with another person? Or an escape route from fear and suffering? Is it that you're being drawn in by the warmth of another's spirit or pushed that way by the fires of despair?

[guest569]

I think its just one of those phrases people throw out there. I agree that being happy will make it easier to attract people and to maintain relationships. But it doesn't mean you have to be happy alone and 100% content with your life.

 

I've always been a loner usually by choice, but the only times i have found love were when I realised I was NOT happy alone, I was lonely, and purposely went out and found someone.

 

Now I am happy to stay alone until someone absolutely amazing comes along. Its a good way to be. I learnt through experience that relationships can be overrated and cause too much drama for me.

[TheBladeRunner]

I think its just one of those phrases people throw out there. I agree that being happy will make it easier to attract people and to maintain relationships. But it doesn't mean you have to be happy alone and 100% content with your life.

 

I've always been a loner usually by choice, but the only times i have found love were when I realised I was NOT happy alone, I was lonely, and purposely went out and found someone.

 

Now I am happy to stay alone until someone absolutely amazing comes along. Its a good way to be. I learnt through experience that relationships can be overrated and cause too much drama for me.

 

In bold is the point I got to just a few months back myself. I am content to be happy by myself and I guess I could be the rest of my life. Do I want this? The answer would have to be no; it would be great to find "something amazing" and that is what I'll wait for.

[hotpotato]

Is there any cure to lone-itis??? Lol

[the tank]

Phrase use by people in relationship to make feel you coupable of trying ahah

[lino]

I've only heard people who aren't single ever say that line.

 

Funnily enough when said people are single again their mindset changes pretty quickly until they find another partner.

[hotpotato]

Ok its happening again.

I wish I could give my mojo to unhappy dudes on ls

[Starship]

I've never been happy when alone. I'm happy when in a relationship. The few short periods on my own were empty feeling without a soul mate

 

Joined Match...three weeks later...madly in love.

 

It's a plus if women are content in their single hood. It's just not me. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm the antithesis of the modern independent woman...I 'need' my man. Last evening we went dancing...today on a picnic...tonight

I'll fall asleep feeling secure in his arms. In the morning I'll make him breakfast. I will get a thrill getting texts from him during the day. These are things that make me happy.

 

When single. It's 'meh'. Movies aren't as funny. Supper isn't so tasty. Going out with my friends is ephemeral ...over when I get home.

[neowulf]

I've never been happy when alone. I'm happy when in a relationship. The few short periods on my own were empty feeling without a soul mate

 

Joined Match...three weeks later...madly in love.

 

It's a plus if women are content in their single hood. It's just not me. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm the antithesis of the modern independent woman...I 'need' my man. Last evening we went dancing...today on a picnic...tonight

I'll fall asleep feeling secure in his arms. In the morning I'll make him breakfast. I will get a thrill getting texts from him during the day. These are things that make me happy.

 

When single. It's 'meh'. Movies aren't as funny. Supper isn't so tasty. Going out with my friends is ephemeral ...over when I get home.

 

I do wonder though... how much is really about the man and how much is really about the "need he fills". Is it love you're in love with?

[endlessabyss]

Being single is the struggle, can't even lie lol.

 

There is nothing in the world that parallels to mutual attraction and intimacy with the opposite sex. Our lives revolve around the mating process, and if you're lucky, your mate.

 

Peiple are not meant to be alone, it leads to depression, and can lead to other psychological maladies. Read Durkheim's "On Suicide". Men struggle with being single, and especially divorce.

 

Having a partner/family pushes us; living for self doesn't work. I don't think anyone can be truely happy alone, it's not the human condition. If you can, you're the outlier.

 

Interesting, I had a colleague who went through a nasty break-up. She told me her story, and said after a couple of months she forced herself to date to get her confidence back, and said it's unhealthy to be alone for too long.

 

After having fun with the whole dating thing she picked a guy she felt would be a good partner soon after.

 

Point is, she asserted the obvious. Being alone too long is not a good thing.

[somedude81]

Yup, humans are not meant to be single for long periods of time. There are negative side effects, depression being one of the worst.

 

I've been single for almost a year and a half, and frankly life isn't near as enjoyable as when I had a girlfriend. I just don't want to do anything.

 

Lastly it freaking sucks that I still think about and miss my ex. She's on my mind every day and I bet that she hasn't thought about me once in a year.

[Teraskas]

Ironically I'll have been single for exactly 3 years on the 13th this month, lol. /Deepsigh.

At times it's been a tough struggle with plenty of rough patches...depression, total loss of confidence, constant one way interest (from my end), copious amounts of rejection, ridiculous amounts of shallow women, etc. to name a few.

 

Thankfully, the majority of those things are all in the past.

Although, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss those 'relationship feelings', i.e. doing things together, exploring new places, new hobbies, etc. :/

 

At this point, I'm content with who I am as a person.

My confidence has been restored to an acceptable level, higher than what it was before.

A relationship would definitely be a plus, but it's just such an exhausting process, no matter how many breaks I take from dating.

 

Come to think of it, it's almost been nearly a year since my cousin got married whereas there's been little to virtually no progress on my end.

Le sigh. xD

Edited March 9, 2015 by Teraskas

[Teknoe]

"...before you can be happy with someone else."

 

How true is this?

 

I think when people say this generic phrase, they are leaving out some key words, namely:

 

"You have be happy AND FLOURISHING alone... before you can be happy and flourishing with someone else."

 

Anyone can find happiness in their solitude. Hell, as an introvert I'm plenty happy being left alone to my devices. That hasn't exactly plopped a GF into my lap. I think you need to not only be happy but also bring certain skills and talents to the table that will attract the opposite sex.

[Teknoe]

Ironically I'll have been single for exactly 3 years on the 13th this month, lol. /Deepsigh.

 

Heh, 3 years eh.

 

I passed 10 years this past December.

 

/Hugesigh.

[Teraskas]

Heh, 3 years eh.

 

I passed 10 years this past December.

 

/Hugesigh.

 

Ouch, you have my sympathies. :/

If anything, I believe having gone through enough rejection might've been a good thing, however weird that sounds.

Similarly, my spirits won't be crushed when I'm not accepted for a job.

[Jess cms]

I didn't read all the answers but I'm going to give my opinion about that quote anyway.

I think that quote's meaning might not be so much about happiness but self respect... or maybe both. Meaning that if you're happy with yourself you won't ever subject yourself to being with someone who makes you miserable or that you don't love just for the sake of not being alone. Therefore if you're happy with yourself, if you have self respect, you won't mind being alone untill you find someone that you just can't live without.. if you know what I mean. You'll know how much you're worth and you won't need someone just to make you happy but to share your happiness with. You'll know when you shall run away from a bad situation with someone no matter how much you love him/her, you'll love yourself more and you'll know you deserve better... and so on, I think I made my point x)

[hotpotato]

Heh, 3 years eh.

 

I passed 10 years this past December.

 

/Hugesigh.

 

Dayum. Whats your address? Imma send you my mojo tomorrow.

[travelbug1996]

In my case I've spent most of my adult years in some kind of a relationship or another. This is the first time in my life where I don't long to be in a relationship. I'm not unhappy being single and in fact its kinda a relief for my heart to finally have a break.

 

Relationships have brought me some joy and pain but unfortunately more pain (due to my decisions or my partners actions).

 

I'm finally in a place where I know what kind of person I want and I understand that person may or may not come along. Either way my life goes, I've decided to be content and happy. My peace of mind brings me the most happiness. If I get lonely I spend time with children, friends family etc and it passes.

 

It is better to be unattached than unsuitably matched.

[hotpotato]

Dang, I kinda wish I could be unhappy single. I realized it's been 6 or 7 years since I've even brought any one to meet the parents. I've been single for 2 years in May... I feel bad because dudes on ls want to date so bad.

 

IA there are negative side effects to being single. For me that includes getting into the habit of being single and filling up my time with activities. I don't have much free time nowadays, and guys are coming out the woodworks.