Gaeta Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Don't guys prefer to chase women though? Every single article I've ever read about relationships says to let him pursue you, let him pay, let him make all the first moves. Evan Marc Katz says it, Natalie Lue says it, the Rules books are all about it. Thats what I've been following. How old are you Rachel? I read all those books too and they are a collection of non sense. You come on here and talk with real men and women and see how it's done by real single people living it day after day. I think every man on here told you by the 4th date if you did not show interest, initiate contact, did not offer to pay, did not offer date ideas then the man concluded you were not interested. How does that support what you read? Men need a green light, they won't pursue you for long if you don't offer some reciprocating. We're 2014 men want equal partners, not a high maintenance doll.
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 I'm in my 20's, I've never really had a long term relationship though and I don't know how to get there so I read a lot online and lots of books because I think it will enhance my chances of success. It obviously isnt... Everything men have told me on here is completely different to what I've read :/ I'm so confused now.
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 let him make all the first moves He did make the first 3!!!!! Have you ever played with a cat and a laser toy? They love to chase them. But if you make them chase for 3 hours, they get bored and wander off. You have to let them catch their prize eventually, else they get bored and frustrated, and wander off. Don't your books tell you that?
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 *holds up megaphone* (feedback squeal sound), "Rachel, step away from the dating self help books. This is your LoveShack thread responders telling you to put down those awful books NOW. They are toxic to your well being." (click sound) Life experience is a better teacher than anything. Sometimes that means making mistakes, but that's how you learn. 2
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 So between books and real men I think you should take advice from real men right? There is a lot more to dating then to just following 1 general rule. We're all individuals and work and seek in different ways. Some men like the chase, some don't, some are extroverted others introverted. It's one case at a time. I think you should hang around for a while and see what people (and men) are talking about.
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 There is a lot more to dating then to just following 1 general rule. We're all individuals and work and seek in different ways. Some men like the chase, some don't, some are extroverted others introverted. It's one case at a time. ^^Exactly. Dating isn't an exact science. Not all men or women for that matter are equal. And like the tango, dating takes two people to make the relationship work. To think otherwise, is to be very misled.
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) I'm slowly learning that. I also think I might be suffering from an anxiety disorder which is making dating a lot harder than it should be. I panic at every bit of uncertainty, from whether he'll ask me out again to whether he's losing interest to whether he'll commit to me. I've never gotten into a really long term relationship but I reckon if and when I do, I'll probably start to worry about if he'll ever propose. Self-help books are like my medication for easing the anxiety because if I have a solution prescribed by these people, I feel like I'm more in control, but as you all have seen it doesn't seem to work that way. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much and go with the flow a bit more. Edited October 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed url 1
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I'm slowly learning that. I also think I might be suffering from an anxiety disorder which is making dating a lot harder than it should be. I panic at every bit of uncertainty, from whether he'll ask me out again to whether he's losing interest to whether he'll commit to me. Are you just starting to date? or maybe have not dated much in the past? because I use to be that way. When I started dating again after a divorce and a long time being alone, I would be sooooooo freakin nervous at every coffee dates, and I'd go home and wished he liked me, wished he called again, etc. NOW after 3 years of dating and 100+ men I do this my eyes close and I don't feel nervousness or anxiety anymore. When I drive to meet them I don't wish they will like me...now I wish I will like them !! If it's not this guy then it will be someone else. As simple as that.
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Rachel, Yes, I think it's time to titrate your time spent reading all those useless dating self-help books and definitely ban yourself from Katz's website. Self medicating with self-help books, and dating guru websites is counterproductive to your mental health and to your growth as a person, which comes from going through each relationship experience (however short or long). The more you date, the more experience you gain. So, the less anxiety you'll have. If you ease up on your expectations too of what you expect from the guy you're dating, I think you will see your anxiety decrease. The lower your expectations, the less likely you are to obsess, dwell, and panic. Easier said than done, obviously. As the John Lennon and Paul McCartney song says, " ," relax and stop over-thinking everything all the time. Learn to listen to and trust yourself, instead of all those so-called dating experts. You know yourself better than anyone else.
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Yes and no - a couple of years ago, I started online dating and literally had a date every Friday and I was loving it, just going out with no expectations and having fun. Then I met a guy who I've written about on these forums before who turned out to be emotionally unavailable, broke up with me twice and completely broke my heart. That was over a year ago now and since then I've not dated, as I've been too scared. I'm finally back on the scene with the current guy, and he's the first person I've liked since the EU ex. I think part of me is scared that history will repeat itself again, even though current guy is really lovely and very, very open about his feelings. I definitely need to become more like you and start dating more regularly. Being off the dating scene for so long has made me overanalyse too much.
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Rachel, Yes, I think it's time to titrate your time spent reading all those useless dating self-help books and definitely ban yourself from Katz's website. Self medicating with self-help books, and dating guru websites is counterproductive to your mental health and to your growth as a person, which comes from going through each relationship experience (however short or long). The more you date, the more experience you gain. So, the less anxiety you'll have. If you ease up on your expectations too of what you expect from the guy you're dating, I think you will see your anxiety decrease. The lower your expectations, the less likely you are to obsess, dwell, and panic. Easier said than done, obviously. As the John Lennon and Paul McCartney song says, " ," relax and stop over-thinking everything all the time. Learn to listen to and trust yourself, instead of all those so-called dating experts. You know yourself better than anyone else. Thanks WriterGal Since my last relationship, I really tried to learn to trust myself and I thought I had improved but this guy seems to have thrown me for a loop as I liked him a lot more than I expected. I'll definitely take your advice and just look at the person I'm dating more rather than prescribed advice from 'dating gurus'. 1
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Thanks WriterGal Since my last relationship, I really tried to learn to trust myself and I thought I had improved but this guy seems to have thrown me for a loop as I liked him a lot more than I expected. I'll definitely take your advice and just look at the person I'm dating more rather than prescribed advice from 'dating gurus'. Good to hear. You will feel a lot better. To do a dating guru cleanse, I recommend reading boring political news and sports, and then going shopping for some retail therapy. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I was set up on a date with a great guy at the end of September - it went really well and the next day he texted me to ask me out again. The second date went really well too, and then he went on holiday for 2 weeks. He kept in touch and spoke to me every single day on holiday, and then the day he came back he made plans with me for a third date. We went on this date on Friday (it is now Wednesday). While he texted me immediately after the date, he hasn't made any plans for this weekend with me, and now I'm worried that he has lost interest. On our last date, I actually let my guard down and we were flirting loads, plus we had a few debates and I told him some things I probably shouldn't have, as well as referring to the future - nothing too serious, just restaurants we should go to, and my upcoming holiday in December. He talks about the future (involving me) a lot too. Yesterday we were flirting and he said I should let him know when he has another chance to get some 'brownie points' with me and I suggested this Friday. Now, he hasn't got back to me and I think I've massively turned him off. Is there anything I can do at this stage or is this a lost cause? She has reciprocated. Her acceptance of the prior three dates, is reciprocating. The fact that he hasn't asked her yet for a 4th date has nothing to do with reciprocating. However, since he is looking for brownie points and she has suggested getting together Friday, there is nothing wrong with asking him on Thursday if they are on for Friday. In addition, she should suggest where and when when she inquires.
BluEyeL Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) Why this guy disappeared....not enough information. But it doesn't matter. Most probably not because something you did. Maybe he was dating other women and chose another one. Maybe he just wanted to have sex by date 3. Who knows? It doesn't really matter. But don't get tipsy on dates. Stick to water or take one sip of wine only. Edited October 30, 2014 by BluEyeL
BluEyeL Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Good to hear. You will feel a lot better. To do a dating guru cleanse, I recommend reading boring political news and sports, and then going shopping for some retail therapy. Seriously, why would she listen to internet people on NOT reading dating gurus instead of listening to dating gurus? What qualifies random internet people, with their own agendas (generally, agenda is "validate the way I'm doing things"), as better at giving dating and relationship advice than those who do it for a living: therapists and authors of relationships and dating books?
losangelena Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Seriously, why would she listen to internet people on NOT reading dating gurus instead of listening to dating gurus? What qualifies random internet people, with their own agendas (generally, agenda is "validate the way I'm doing things"), as better at giving dating and relationship advice than those who do it for a living: therapists and authors of relationships and dating books? But dating gurus have their own agenda—usually to get you to spend money. If anyone touts themselves has having "THE ANSWERS" I feel like they should be taken with a grain of salt. Yes, dating therapists and gurus are useful, but I find a lot of time they generalize. People on a dating forum are in the trenches, actually doing it. 1
BluEyeL Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 But dating gurus have their own agenda—usually to get you to spend money. If anyone touts themselves has having "THE ANSWERS" I feel like they should be taken with a grain of salt. Yes, dating therapists and gurus are useful, but I find a lot of time they generalize. People on a dating forum are in the trenches, actually doing it. Agree that dating gurus generalize and have the agenda to sell books. Although I am not sure why would they sell more books if they asked women not to pay for dates 1, 2, 3 and not to initiate dates until a bit later in the process than if they told them to let 'em rip and do whatever they feel like doing. Because I would be happier and buy more books if they told me what I wanted to hear. And in general, books are only a guideline, and random people's experience is very biased. So I vote to filter all information. 1
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I think having a man pay for the first 3 dates is ridiculous. Often we will need 3 dates to figure out if we have chemistry. Most people we meet won't make it pass those 3 dates so a man has to pay for the entire 3 first dates trial? None sense. If he is a decent man and gets 1-2 dates per week it means him investing what $400 per month on dates?? 1
BluEyeL Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I think having a man pay for the first 3 dates is ridiculous. Often we will need 3 dates to figure out if we have chemistry. Most people we meet won't make it pass those 3 dates so a man has to pay for the entire 3 first dates trial? None sense. If he is a decent man and gets 1-2 dates per week it means him investing what $400 per month on dates?? It's fine if you pay. But you worry too much about the men. Worry about yourself. Maybe some men feel good if they pay, makes them feel important. I feel good if a man pays for the first three dates, makes me feel appreciated. My BF makes a ****load of money (upper six figures annually), but he doesn't look rich at all. If I worried about him paying for 3 dates, it would have been pointless, for him that's less than chump change. You just don't know because you don't know him from Adam initially. I wouldn't worry about what men have to endure and I'd worry more about being treated as well and courteous as possible, on all levels.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 I think the problem is while tipsy, you assured him you would plan the next date, but once sober, you changed your mind but never communicated that to him. Still, if he were very interested in you, he would have let that misstep slide and asked you out again. If a man really wants a woman, very little will stop him. I guess I'm more old-fashioned than most, because men I've dated have always initiated pretty much all the dates and significant steps forward in the relationship. I think there are still plenty of men out there who prefer this dynamic, and I certainly do. 2
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 It may be an age thing. When I was in my 20s and 30s I saw nothing wrong with the men paying all the time because they were older and they earned much more than I do. Now that I am late 40s and dating mostly younger men that make half of what I make, I cannot imagine having them pay all of our outings.
cif Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Perhaps I missed it but why don't you just plan the date? Something fun that he likes? Contact him with specifics.
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 panic over guys, he got back to me and suggested Saturday instead. 1
BluEyeL Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Perhaps I missed it but why don't you just plan the date? Something fun that he likes? Contact him with specifics. She asked him out and he said no. Edit. He said yes
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 I'm not going to ignore the hesitation I picked up on on the last date and yesterday/today though.. No more alcohol for me! 1
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