Xetnevs Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 So… the situation is as follows (Warning, lots of writing, this is still quite raw for me, expect day by day blow of the last week). We’re both 23 and had been dating for 3 and a half years - living together for three of those years. Throughout our relationship there’s always been this one argument about a hobby of mine. It’s embarrassing to admit but at some point after I broke up from mr relationship before that I got into collecting Anime figures - some aren’t very ‘decent’. She never liked those specific ones, got jealous and we got into many fights. I found it hard to stop, it was a horrible addiction and I hated myself (I could go on, separate issue) - this I never told her. When we fought about it the aim was to always continue the addiction as oppose to fix it… I didn’t respect her feelings over it. This caused a bit of a rift between us. She starting trusting me less as more arrived and it became a massive massive wound that we couldn’t talk about. Over the last couple of months I noticed this wound changed, she was obviously upset by it still but became… indifferent. I have issues with anxiety and this sparked it off. She was at a party one Saturday night and told me she’d be home by 11, I texted her at 11:30 when I didn’t hear from her. She got annoyed because ‘She should be able to go to parties if she wants’ (Which wasn’t the issue - she could). I got passive aggressive, she got madder, eventually she came home at 2:30 - her phone had been dead for an hour and I was panicking. Cue another fight when she got back with slamming doors, her name calling and me acting the victim. Next morning she’s off too work, my nerves are still playing up so I text her, because I’m not in the right mindset I starting putting my foot in my mouth and causing things to get worse - she meets with her Mum at lunch. She comes home in the afternoon, cue more fighting where we make up. It seemed like the relationship almost ended there, but it didn’t. We decided to just have fun to the end of the day and talk the next day. We did, calmly, it was really good. I decided to stop with the stupid collecting and we left happy deciding to make it work. Because of my hateful hobby I don’t like people entering the bedroom where some of them are kept (Others hidden away). She knows this. A couple of days that week I came home to see that her friends were in there with her - she thought I wouldn’t find out. Wednesday I see it happen for the third time. Thursday, in a worry I text her about it (while I was at work). Starting off good, and talking about my problems with stopping the collecting (she promised to help me) but then gets angry as she also doesn’t want to deal with it. She then angrily leaves saying that she’s just entering a counselling session - afterwards worried I called. She was broken “I feel completely f**d up”. I told her that I was scared and worried and asked if she could come home to talk. She said “I don’t want to - I could, but I don’t think it’ll go how you like.” My nerves wouldn’t let that slide so I asked if she still could. That’s when she left me. She revealed she had spoken to a domestic abuse councillor that her Mum set her up with. who told her that all this behaviour was unhealthy and that we (both) we emotionally abusing each other, not regarding each others feelings. She did it all with such calm as opposed to the other emotionally explosive fights. During the end she made it pretty damn clear that she wanted to remain friends. We were really close, probably too close. When we were together we shared everything. Watching TV series together, playing board/video games, cooking, going to lunch often and going out for dinner regularly too. When we were together we were inseparable. When I would cry saying “We’ll never play x game again!” or “We didn’t even finish watching y!” she would just say back “Uh, we will you dork.” She then left for her Mum’s to stay. She didn’t want to leave me unless I had contacted mine either so I wouldn’t be alone and did something stupid. I convinced her I’d do it when she was gone, mainly because I didn’t want it to be official. Ten minutes after she left she sends a text checking up making sure I contacted my Mum, I hadn’t so I did. Rushed home, head swimming in tears and not knowing what’s going on as things do. She messages me again late that night saying she hopes I’m fine. I respond still as a needy mess. She took it well. Couldn’t sleep that night so I message her a fair bit. Friday morning comes and I’m scared I’ve over done it. Ring her phone, she sleepy answers and calms me down and says that I didn’t anger her and that some of the stuff I said was even sweet. We hang up, she messages more after that. She wanted to meet that night to start being friends right away. Night comes, plan initiated, Pizza, Soda, Candy and so on. We construct a pillow/blanket fort hybrid in the lounge of our flat and watch some tv series together stopping for the many breakdowns we both had. Being the day after the break up, boundaries of course aren’t set. Wake up next morning, she suggests we shower together and that ends with us doing what you can expect. We then talk about how badly we dealt with each other during out relationship and how things were bad. Left pretty happy planning to leave her alone, vowing to keep last night a secret between the pair of us. Of course I can’t leave her alone. I send more texts, get more worried, I call the next morning. She replies to every one, answers the call - being supportive the entire way. We meet up that evening for a couple of hours to play a video game together, to try to meet with more boundaries set up than the other night. I still break down, she said she admitted she was kinda skeptical it would go well! We leave, and of course I send more messages. Next day I plan to not send her any messages at all. 10:30 rolls around and I cave. She congratulated me for lasting as long as I did. Talking more, being fine and then we stop. See her on the street and ran after her, say hi, she’s off to a friends and then we part ways. Me being the wreck I am then texts her asking if running after her on the street was bad, she said it’s fine and is at a friends and doesn’t want to text. First thing in ages that was phrased in a way that sounded like she was sick of me. I freaked and called a billion times. She answers and calms me down, I then decide right there and then I had to delete her number. I tell her this on the phone. She breaks down crying over that. I tell her I’ll reply to her if she wants, but she’ll have to reach out first. If I have her number then I’ll just keep causing problems. She understands but isn’t happy. She also knows how painful it’ll be for me to not be able to reach her and promises to try not to make it too bad for me. Three hours later she asks how I’m coping, we text for a bit, she wants to meet the next day to make Ratatouille (and watch the movie) together and look after her little sister. Hour later she texts goodnight. Next day she texts me wishing me a good morning while I’m at work, I stupidly suggest we meet for lunch. We do, we walk and talk. Afternoon comes and we meet again and stay the night at the flat again. Her little sister got picked up early, ex wanted to leave with her but decided to stay because I said I didn’t want to stay in the flat we shared by myself. Didn’t need any convincing, said just that and she was fine. We played more games, then I hinted that I wanted a shower with her again - we had never did it in the three years we were together and I regretted it. We get into the room and strip down, she starts crying saying it’s not right and that she’s messing with me, she say’s she’s fine as long as it’s just showering. She mentions that it’ll take a while to wean ourself off bits of hugging, kissing and more and so she doesn’t want to do it all the time (But to try again on Friday after the party). I tell her that my plan is that as soon as I move out I’m going to (try) to stop any advances towards her and to (try) to deflect any she sends to me. The flat will remain a weak spot until we no longer spend time there. She accepts this a bit too fast and then we go down that road again. We watch more stuff late into the night and at 3am we’re tired and trying to snuggle while also trying to appear to not want it. That just makes us get more and more upset. Morning comes, which is today and we break boundaries again, watch more stuff and part ways. She’s talking about what we’ll cook next Tuesday (Some curry dish) and that I have to go TV shopping with her at some point. Later on, I went and checked out a flatmate opening with a friend I knew. Sadly the other two flatmates scared the living daylights out of me. I left, and broke down on the way back to the flat I share with my now ex. I felt (and still do, as this has just happened) lost, alone, and with nowhere to go. I looked through our documents to find the tenancy agreement with her number on it, as soon as I knew she had finished work I called. She didn’t sound happy, she was exhausted after work and was with her Mum. She didn’t want to deal with me. She said I just made her feel guilty since she placed me in this situation. I feel I made a big error there. I thought calling would be fine considering how we have left. (This text conversation is currently ongoing) That’s where we end with me being dead at the flat I can no longer stand being in writing this. I have no clue what the heck is going on. I know exactly why we aren’t ‘dating’ anymore which is nice but her rush to be best friends right away is very confusing. While we are aware we shouldn’t do anything intimate we will - she initiates too. She’s also willing to keep talking to me and texts me of her own accord (especially since I don’t have her number now). She talks about how she’s not wanting to date for at least a year, and that while she’ll be upset when I find a ‘new hotter girlfriend' she’ll support me. She talks about how we will see each other often and will talk often. I would rather we not be friends but stay together and try to work through it, she just says ‘no’, no step back and try to better ourselves, just separation. She wants to go to couples counselling though to try to sort things out… Though I don’t know the aim or outcome of that. This is all so confusing and hurtful. I don’t want it to end. I love her truly and was happy despite all the disagreements. I’ve dumped the collection that caused the issue and am no longer buying any more, however that action comes too late of course. She still says she loves me. She’ll either tell me herself or answer back with it if I say it. However, she also says she can’t forgive me (at the mo) for disregarding her feelings over the collection. Tomorrow will be a week since we’ve broken up, and the first day that we’ll go without seeing each other. Everything’s still so new and so confusing. I don’t really know what advice I want to be honest. I don’t even really understand what’s going on. I suppose I’m kind of in hope that we’ll end up back together but a part of me feels that what we are doing is real unhealthy. Her friends (and mine I suppose) have all told her that being friends is not how it works, she says ‘stuff that’ she can do what she wants. Only one of her friends shares that thought and is best friends with their ex, though they claim it only happened because they had months of anger towards each other to help them move on. So uhm. Help? Advice? Anything? I don't know, I really need support here.
Diezel Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I think you really need to distance yourself from her. For both yours and her good. The problem is that you are so used to having her own around, that her not being in the picture is a threat to your way of life. First of all, congrats on getting rid of your collection. That took some real courage. It will help you moving forward for whenever you have your next relationship. Second, seriously... you need to make a stand right now as a man and tell her that for your own good, you two need to stop the "limbo game". That's what happens when people break up and skate the fine line between friends, lovers, and a couple, but without a label. In the end, one of you (if not both) are going to get hurt. You are too dependent on having her around. She is somewhat as well, although to a much lesser degree than you are. If she really wanted to make a stand about this, she would have by now and there would be no way in the world that you'd be getting those text messages and phone calls responded to. You are 23. You should be out enjoying life and going to bars and parties or hitting up social venues with friends, etc, etc, etc... Right now this relationship seems to dominate so much of your time even after you two have broken up. You might need to talk to someone too, a professional. You hinted that your collection was a symptom of a deeper problem. Right now you got rid of your collection, but is that something you'll regret later on? This break up? You can't continue to tell her that once you move out of the flat you won't see her anymore but keep having Netflix nights. You can't tell her that you aren't texting her anymore, but continue to do so. You aren't helping yourself and there is no personal growth coming out of this for you. It almost seems to be that you are afraid to find out who you really are without her and that she's the biggest part of your identity. Use this time to find yourself and to learn about yourself. Be young, have no regrets, do stuff... this is the time to do it. But for your sake, stay out of this grey area that you two are holding yourselves in. Good luck.
Author Xetnevs Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 I am already seeing a counsillor for my anxiety today. Today will be the first time I've seen him since the break up. It'll all be covered there. I don't think I'll regret dropping the collection, I hated myself for it in the first place. And now I hate is that it killed this relationship. She said "There were several times you took the talks as ultimatums and you didn't do anything." It's true. I tried but failed and it's only now I can do anything and it's too late. I honestly felt I had found my soulmate. Everything was just plain wonderful, I want her back so badly. You're kinda right. I am afraid to find out who I really am without her. I had defined myself by her for the past 3 years. I'm not exactly the most social of people either. I have a few friends that are around, but not much into bars and partying.
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