Evanescence Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 Hi K, so I'm giving a 5.5 yr relationship another chance. He broke up with me a little over a year ago, and we've been "seeing" each other for two months now. We both dated other people in the year that we were apart. I broke up with the guy I was dating in November, he broke up with the girl he was dating beginning of January. So.. here's my problem. I trusted him more than anything. I never ever thought that he would ever be interested in another girl. I found out that I was completely nieve. He says he didn't, but I believe that he left me for the girl he dated this last year. So, there's where the trust issue comes in. If he did leave me for her, how can I trust that it will never happen again, even if he does tell me that I am the one he wants to be with, and this "is IT"? I now question everything he does and says. I don't know how to take anything anymore. Some people tell me "well, he was curious. you were the only person he had ever really been with, so maybe he had to check stuff out before he knew for sure." Although I agree, it's still hard to deal with. My next problem is that the girl he was with was 17 when he started dating her. He was 23. Now it absolutely DISGUSTS me whenever I see a girl that is around that age. I don't even know what the girl looks like, and I hope I never do, but I just can't look at teen girls anymore without losing my stomach (there have been many times that I have actually been eating, then see a girl that in my mind is what she MAY have looked like, and I have to stop eating.. I feel like I'm going to be ill). How do I stop thinking this way? I mean, I'm surrounded by teen girls. They are everywhere...and I can't stand too look at them and not want to hurt them (the girl he dated started putting the moves on him two months before we even broke up... to my knowledge anyway, so I view her as a huge slut and a completley unworthy person). Anyway, so those are my two main problems. Trust, and my view of teen girls now. How do I get over these? Any tips from people who may have experienced something similar? The main problem is the trust obviously. It is killing me that I can't trust him. Without trust what do u have right? I'm trying to give it time. I'm trying to give us a chance again. I've been so depressed this last year because of our split, and I would think that this would make it better, but I'm now more confused than ever, and really unhappy. I know some people might say "well get out of it", but I really want to give this my best shot before giving up. I love him SO much... it is unbelievable. I really want to give this all I've got so I'd just love some advice from people who have been in long term relationships, broke up for a significant amount of time (long enough for the two people to change a bit), then tried things over again. I'd like to know what works and what doesn't. And for anyone who it didn't work for, how do you know when you've reached the point where you've given it all you've got, and its just going nowhere? You're help is severely needed, and much apprecitated. Thanks everyone!
helena abadi Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 sounds as though you are very, very angry and jealous about the teen girl thing. you have to find a way to resolve it and move on. coz at the moment you are stuck on it, and getting way too much mileage out of it. and it will erode the quality of your relationship. broken trust and jealousy are huge issues. i know what it's like to feel so mad about it. i think most of us have been there at some time. do you have access to a health professional such as a counsellor, to talk about this? it is hard to regain trust. really hard. the person who broke it has to change their behaviour and EARN their way back into your heart. and you are right. without trust, whaddya have? not much, not enough. trust is Number 1.
beatjunkies Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 how did he break your trust ?? he broke up with you and it doesnt seem like he was trying to hide anything from you ?? He might have said that he wanted to break up because of this and that but it was probly because he wanted to test the field.. I have done this with my ex before but how can you tell someone that you dont want to be with them and you want to be with someone else and see how it goes ?? not many people are going to say that.. Anyways Id like to know how he lost your trust ?? Also you have to just get over the other girl.. honestly it really isnt any of your business who he dated when you split up.. I know, i know your thinking "how could he even want to be with another girl" and you feel betrayed a little bit. Thats how I feel right now because my ex dumped me for moving away.. and now that i have moved back she has a new b/f so i know how you feel.. i always ask myself how i would feel IF we were to get back together.. anyways you are just going to have to get over this girl and trust or you cant get back together with him.. its going to bug you to the point where its going to just mess up the whole relationship.. what i would do is just talk to your ex about it and be honest.. at least let him know that it bothers you so there are no hidden feelings.. good luck and just take it slow.. ! peace
Author Evanescence Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 to Helena, thanks, and actually I am seeing a counsellor. Been seeing one every since we broke up over a year ago (excluding 4 summer months when I was back home, my counsellor is here at school). To beatjunkies. Thank you very much for being so straightforward and not sugar coating anything. I know you are right. What broke my trust is that we live 2 hours away. I was here trying hard to get myself a degree so I could get a good job and he was back home haning out with some other girl. I know what it is like to be tempted when you are in a relationship, but when I was tempted, I told him. We sat down and talked about it. He didn't. He saw this other girl, and to me it seems like he was quite friendly with her to give her the impression that it was ok for her to kiss him, even though he was with me. I'm afraid that it may happen again. You are right though. I have to make the choice to just either forgive and forget, or move on without him... that choice scares the crap out of me though. He's really patient with all my questions and he tells me when they talk or see each other (he wants to stay friends with her). In the end, I really feel like I should just get over her because ultimately, if you want to look at it in this perspective (although I don't see this as a game... even though that is exactly what it is), I won in the end. She tried to take him from me, and in the end he came back to me... so I should feel good about that shouldn't I? Another reason I'm having a hard time trusting him is because the entire time he dated her, he called me, about once a month to once a week (depending). We even saw each other a few times during the summer when I was back home. There was a few times where he told me he still loved me, and started talking about or future together if we ever got back together. THEN, he would tell me whenever his gf (or now ex gf) would ask him when the last time he talked to me was, and he would always lie, because if he told her the truth, she'd go nuts on him. I'd hear about this every time because he would often call me (to talk to a "friend" i suppose) whenever they got in fights, and it happened often. He and I hardly ever faught when we were together... we'd just have talks, that sometimes got a little heated, but they lasted about 15 min max. Anywho, how do I know he isn't going back to her and saying the same stuff to her that he said to me while he was dating her? He says that I'm different. He said the entire time he knew that we'd end up back together, and that he missed me every day, etc... but he had developed feelings for this girl, and it was hard to split with her, plus I was dating someone else at the time. Ok... so I know you are right about the playing the field thing. We had never been with anyone else. At least he broke up with me instead of cheating on me (completely anyway, I don't think he physically cheated on me). I keep thinking that maybe this was something we both just really needed to be sure. He says that now, if we can make it though the recovery, we will be much better off than if we hadn't broken up because our relationship will be stronger. I agree. Haha, sorry for the long post, but your I liked reading your reply. Thanks again
beatjunkies Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 yeah im sure he just might have just felt like he wanted to test the waters and he didnt like it.. i got those urges too when i was younger (17-18) im 21 now and i think ive gotten over it.. but there was always the thought of what it would be like with another girl.. honestly though i was happy for a little bit but i just knew it wasnt right and I knew in the back of my mind that i wanted to be back with my ex.. my mom always used to tell me when I was younger that my ex and i shouldnt be too serious.. she said that if we were each others only relationship then eventually our minds would be curious about other people.. its just a natural instinct.. we want to know what else is out there.. so she said we should see other people and get it out of our systems now because if we were to get married someday, most likely one of us would let the curiousity get the best of us and end up cheating or whatever.. I see what she was saying, and i had those feelings before like i said but that was a long time ago and the only person i want to be with now is my ex... i guess she too might be getting those feelings right now so who knows.. or my ex could just be moving on.. it was really messed up how i moved out of state and left her behind but hey what can i do now.. i didnt know things would turn out like this but i had to find out for myself.. Maybe one day we will get back together who knows but for now i will let her contact me if she wants to talk or whatever.. so forget about the other girl.. shes just some teenage slut !! obviously your ex and you had a better relationship for it to have lasted as long as it did.. and obviously he is still into you.. Sometimes it really does take breaking up with someone to realize how much you really do want to be with them and care about them.. thats what it took for me to realize it when i was the one that broke up with my ex the times that i did !!! So just be cool dont even worry about this other girl.. who cares. that was in the past.. you should be looking ahead and trying to work on YOU TWO.. take care and let us know what happens.. Peace
Author Evanescence Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 Thanks a bunch. You really seem to have good insight on this type of thing. Ya, he's 24, and he never really seemed to have such urges until the break up, but I guess better now then when we are married. When we broke up he said that he "needed a break" from me, and that he "needed to do something" and didn't want to drag me along for the ride. Now, he's talking about settling down and everything. Right now we still aren't an official couple because he says he needs this time, which maybe its because he feels this is his last chance. He says once we are back together, this is it, so I better be sure. I think for me it will take actually being in the relationship again for me to decide this. I know that I absolutely wanted him and no one else before, but now we've changed, and I feel I need to get to know him again, and I'm hoping with time, things will all fall into place. One more question... this last little string of time he is requiring of me... it's so hard for me to do. I just want us back together. I want to take things slow, but I want us to be a couple and do it. I feel like I am working through this completely alone, and I want us to work through it as a couple I want to see how things have changed with us in respect to how we are as a couple. He is asking for this time to just let him be... we can be "seeing each other", but he doesn't want the "obligation" of a girlfriend right now. Do you think this is just him trying to get his last little bit out of being single? He has never really been single... we dated then a week after the break up he got right into another relationship. And I should totally let him have it until he's ready? He said that he feels this is necessary for the health of our relationship in the future. He's not going out and looking for other girls or anything, he says he just wants this time to do what he wants and not have to answer to anyone. What do you think about this? Anyway, through your advice and the advice of some friends (75%, or more, are telling me to forget about it, and the rest is telling me to give it all I've got, cuz sometimes things require work), I'm thinking of taking a few different approaches on the situation. Or really just one big new approach. I'm going to have a talk with him too. I'll see how it goes and I'll keep you posted.
beatjunkies Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 ok well have a talk with him and let him know whats up and how you feel but then let him do the contacting.. remember you cant make him get back together with you if HE is not ready.. so after you tell him how you feel just let him do a little pursuing.. he might be confused still. so yeah keep me updated
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