Disappearing Boyfriend (Updated)

[mearl20]

I'm having a situation with my boyfriend disappearing.

 

 

We met back in June (at my work-which is a restaurant/bar he frequented). I am 23 and he's 25. He joked around with me and his friend would make fun of us saying we should have already had each others numbers and teased him to ask me out.

 

 

One day he was talking to me and out of the blue he asked if I would want to go to dinner with him, I said yes, we exchanged numbers and started texting every day.

 

 

We went out a few times (grabbed drinks, we went fishing, he took me to his favorite city viewing spot-where he wants to get married someday, etc.). I also stayed the night a few times-never had sex just made out, cuddled and slept.

 

 

He seemed to kind of be moving fast, I met his parents, he invited me on his family vacation, wanted to meet my family, etc.

 

 

One night at his house, we were making out and he stopped me to ask about my past relationships then asked how I felt about us dating (he meant exclusively). He said he could see us dating and that he really liked me. Also, he told me I was the closest girl he's had to a girlfriend. I said I liked it and then we were dating.

 

 

We went out a lot, I saw him frequently and we texted everyday, called a few times (he even mentioned "our kids" in a hypothetical situation, joking of course). I brought him out for his birthday and bought him a simple gift (a cd of his favorite band and some local whiskey). He was so flattered saying no ones ever done that for him before, and he talked about it all night.

 

He met my whole family one night, he had dinner with them at my work (I was working) and most of my family liked him (except my mom-thought he was a drunk and was off).

 

 

I was a virgin and he found out and said he didn't care, that it was the last thing he cared about and he was very understanding about it. He could tell I was worried about it and he said he was never going to let me go, (he said that a few times). I did end up sleeping with him, only once and he was patient and very sweet about it, nothing changed immediately after.

 

 

A few times we would make plans and something would come up, and I typically just brushed it off. But a few months later we made plans to go to breakfast at this place he kept talking about. The first time we made the same plan, it fell through, the second time he talked about how excited he was to go there all week and how I would love it, etc.

 

 

The night before came and he was at a friends party (I was with my friends) and he said he was extremely drunk so I asked if he still wanted to go in the morning, he didn't text me back until 12 the next day (we were supposed to go that day) and he said he was trying to bail a friend out of jail because he got a dui. I brushed that off too, even though I was slightly annoyed.

 

 

I went into work later that day and turns out he was there with his friend for the football game (which started at 130) completely drunk. This time, I was extremely mad and he was trying to play it off (saying I know you'll come over Thursday night, you always do). He was just being a completely different person and was a jerk.

 

 

My coworker told them I was coming into work any minute and they tried to leave without saying hi to me or anything-I think they knew I would get mad.

 

 

Later he texted me asking how work was and was telling me his friend wanted to talk to my one coworker more (he has a gf). Then he texted again saying he could tell I was mad and that he didn't mean to do anything to upset me. I told him I felt like he kept bailing on me. Then he bombarded me with all these texts saying sorry, that he's not used to a serious relationship, he beats himself over all of this and that he didn't do it intentionally. I texted saying I didn't like how we always made these plans then he kept bailing on me, I also (out of rage) said I felt like he didn't actually care. I think that was the comment to stop him from talking to me. I said I'd rather we talk about that in person.

 

 

From then on I heard nothing. I apologized a few days later, the next week I asked how he was and the third week, I found out he deleted me and my friend (who he met) on facebook. I was so hurt and confused, I texted one last time saying I didn't know what I did wrong and that if he didn't want to see me anymore, he could've told me. I dropped off his stuff at his house very late one night so he wouldn't see me.

 

 

I never heard a single thing from him, not a text, call, he hasn't come into my work at all and I'm sitting here confused and still really upset. It was only a few month relationship but I still really like him, despite my friends and family telling me to get over him. It just really hurts to go from something great to nothing with no explanation as to why (I wanted to talk through it in person and work our "argument" out).

 

 

Some say I was ghosted but I find it hard to believe he can just leave and not feel anything. He initiated everything so it hurts to think he actually never meant it. Did he ever care or have feelings? Any advice on what to do in this situation? It's been three weeks, will he come back and is there any chance of fixing it?

Sorry again for such a post! Thank you so much!

[rdet123]

That's a tough situation. I sympathize with you because i've been in your shoes. Sometimes guys just aren't ready for a commitment and your best bet right now is to try and move on. Maybe go on a trip with some of your girlfriends to get your mind off of him. Trust me, in a couple months it will get SO much easier!

 

Just remember that it get's easier with time, and to think of it as he lost out on you!

[Mentos]

Sounds like things were all warm and fuzzy....now they're cold and harsh.

 

 

Also, sounds like its time to move on. I'm not going to say he 'used you', because he may not have intended it to be that way.

 

 

He may have had good intentions at first, however he has handled things all wrong (from what I read). I would not give him another chance. Hold your head high, and move on. You'll find what you're looking for.

[Noproblem]

This psycho guy is doing his usual sick game. Classic behavior of a patient player.

 

 

 

He pretend that he was serious with a girl and patient

 

until he get in her pants, and then booom

 

he leaves her like she is nothing at all

 

not a human being or not even an animal

 

 

This psycho should be left

 

Have some dignity and stop contacting this monster!

 

I feel sorry this happened to you

 

No, you didn't had it coming

 

This wolf prey on girls like you! good and nice girls like you..

 

Never again OK!

 

 

 

Next time learn

 

Any guy who speaks about marriage and babies early in a relationship is a psycho player who is trying to get in your pants.....

 

 

Best of luck into your next relationship

 

 

Hugs <3

[mearl20]

Thanks everyone! I just find it all so odd! I keep going back and forth between being extremely mad and upset (then I start crying haha). I just don't know what went wrong because he was great before that day. Then he freaked out and went cold.

 

 

I also keep thinking how could anyone pretend for months to like somebody then just leave? That's almost sociopathic and it confuses me.

 

 

He was in combat in the marines and was shot once, so maybe he has ptsd?

 

 

This situation could've easily been fixed but he ignored it. And I really could see myself with him for a long time, we clicked so well.

 

 

Do you think he deleted me (and my friend) on facebook because he's still upset/hurting?

[Assasda]

So its one of those that comes on strong in the beginning then dies.

It always seems to go that way.

 

You just were starting to get to know this guy. You never knew him before.

 

Take it for what its worth and move on.

Next time, trust your mom's intuition too

[mearl20]

Yeah everyone keeps telling me to move on but then when I was dating him, everyone said we were perfect together so it makes it hard to.

 

 

Even one of his good girl friends (who I think secretly liked him) kept telling me how great of a guy he is and that he never tried anything on her and that we're good together.

 

 

I've been in other short relationships and moving on from those was so much easier. He's the exact kind of guy I had hoped I'd end up with.

 

 

I also secretly hope he does come back and we can maybe work things out, no matter how bad they start out or if we have to start over and go slower. But not sure if it's possible to fix things?

[LostOnes05]

This guy sounds like a Grade A a-hole. First of all, from what I read you sound like a really nice girl. I'm a guy and I've been in similar situations. People will tell you whatever it is they think you want to hear. I'm quite sure he was the best guy in the world until you guys were intimate. Then he figured I can do what I want because I'm her first and she will put up with it. I'm certain it hurt his ego when you told him off, as you should have. You were not wrong, he was. He is two-faced (a drunk and a jerk) and neither of them is good, nor a reflection on you.

 

Definitely, agree with Assasda on this one in regards to listening to mom. Although we twenty-something year olds hate to admit it, mom is and will always be right when it comes to judging the character of those we develop relationships with. Do yourself a favor and don't take this guy back when he decides to come sniveling around 5-6 months from now telling you that he's a changed man, etc. Taking him back will only suggest to him that you have low self esteem and he can come and go as he pleases. If I was him, I'd be at your job with flowers and an apology until you at least spoke to me and told me go away, or we talked it out like adults. I mean whatever happened to "I'll never let you go"?

[Emilia]

He is screwed up alright, probably an alcoholic too, by the sound of it (the personality change).

 

I'm very sorry OP, I know this will undermine your trust in other guys for a while but it's one of those things. You didn't do anything wrong, probably best to stay away from men with a troubled past, especially those that say 'you are the closest thing I've had to a girlfriend'. Sounds unstable.

[Gaeta]

Mearl20: I understand exactly how you feel. I went through a very similar thing a few months ago. We had an amazing 6 months, he even told me he loved me, my family thought he was such a good man, I finally found the one then he left without a word of explanation and gave me the silent treatment. It's hard to explain to people how much it hurts. It's like landing in the middle of a bad dream and you don't know if you're coming or going.

 

Like you I asked myself for months: why!! what did I do!! did I dream what we had!! I never had any answers. You have to move on without those answers. What use would have those answers anyway? Knowing the why is not going to change the fact he is not in your life any longer right?

 

I am sorry it hurts. Pain is temporary. He was not quite perfect for you, the perfect one will come along.

[Zahara]

Yeah everyone keeps telling me to move on but then when I was dating him, everyone said we were perfect together so it makes it hard to.

 

Yes, of course everyone was telling you that you two were perfect together and that is because he was presenting a facade, a side of him that was probably charming and endearing. You mother noticed something that was off and I swear mothers can smell crap a mile away. You need to stop focusing on who he was then, but focus on who he is now, because that is who he is. People don't always show you who they are early into a relationship.

 

Even one of his good girl friends (who I think secretly liked him) kept telling me how great of a guy he is and that he never tried anything on her and that we're good together.

 

Unfortunately, if he was a great guy, you wouldn't be in this situation. When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

I've been in other short relationships and moving on from those was so much easier. He's the exact kind of guy I had hoped I'd end up with.

 

This is probably harder because he disappeared. You're left with confusion and despair. When someone does a fade out on you, you feel lost because you can't understand how it went from great to crap in a flash.

 

I also secretly hope he does come back and we can maybe work things out, no matter how bad they start out or if we have to start over and go slower. But not sure if it's possible to fix things?

 

This is your heart talking. Realistically, you don't want to revisit this man again because the chances of him hurting you again is very high. There were red flags. Moving too fast. The drinking. Avoidant behavior. Acting like a jerk. Emotional unavailability (when he said you were the closest thing he has to a girlfriend -- bells went off in my head). Disappearing on you. Trust that those patterns don't just go away just because you go slow. They're ingrained and they will almost always resurface -- and hurt you.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

He's just showed you that he is terrible boyfriend material. He doesn't keep plans, he has zero problem-solving skills, no insight into his own behaviour or the consequences of it, and turns cold and disrespectful when called out on his immaturity. Sorry, but he was not the one for you. Also, drunk during the day? Not a good sign.

 

I understand you're hurting and you certainly have every right to. But this wasn't a match. In time, the pain will go away and you'll be better-equipped to spot the warning signs next time.

[walkingonair]

Him disappeaing has nothing to do with you.This guy has some major issues.He got scared and ran and when hes scared of things he just runs andavoids cconfrontation.

[mearl20]

Thanks everyone! I know it's stupid to hold on but you're all right and I should just move on. I keep thinking about the situation in general and am thinking he might actually have ptsd. He just got back recently from the marines and I remember asking about it once, like if he had killed anyone. He told me he was shot in the side and almost was hit in the head then fought. He never talked to me about the killing part though, he just went silent when I asked. Then he was always over protective, ready to fight anyone who bumped into me or said anything and was always aware-looking out and around everywhere we went.

 

 

After thinking about all this, it may be a possibility which means he prob has mental issues, freaked out and left. Anyways, it is time for me to let go and focus on other things rather than this situation.

 

 

Thanks everyone for all your advice and help!

[Itspointless]

Thanks everyone! I know it's stupid to hold on but you're all right and I should just move on. I keep thinking about the situation in general and am thinking he might actually have ptsd. He just got back recently from the marines and I remember asking about it once, like if he had killed anyone. He told me he was shot in the side and almost was hit in the head then fought. He never talked to me about the killing part though, he just went silent when I asked. Then he was always over protective, ready to fight anyone who bumped into me or said anything and was always aware-looking out and around everywhere we went.

 

After thinking about all this, it may be a possibility which means he prob has mental issues, freaked out and left. Anyways, it is time for me to let go and focus on other things rather than this situation.

 

Thanks everyone for all your advice and help!

If he has he should have told you. Now you are guessing to make sense of things. It is understandable but it gives him excuses he does not really deserve for his behavior to you. He sounds avoidant and closed off, not something that would make communication easy if he would still be around.

[MrBossMan]

Trust me, you don't want this guy. He has no character. When we're young and inexperienced, it seems like a smaller deal than it is, but you will learn. Please be more careful. At the end of the day, you are responsible for who you allow into your life. Some of the worst people out there may seem ok for a while.

 

As for your feelings for him, the best thing to do is to take some time to heal from this traumatic experience. Don't rush it. Just take your time. You might feel bad for a while and want him back, but that's only natural. Eventually, you'll let go of him and you'll be alright.

 

You want to be at a place where even if he shows up now wanting you back, you would not take him.He has shown you who he is and he is a toxic person with serious issues. Don't let him or his memory mess with your head and hold you down. You're worth more than that.