bluesapphire Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 Okay, I'll try my best to not write a book. I am a 33 yr old woman and I've had a relationship with a 35 yr old man for the past 17 yrs...we met each other in high school-I was a sophomore and he was a senior. Yes, this is one of those 'first loves that I can't forget' stories. He had a sister my age and we were also best friends. This was one of the happiest times of my life. I had a best friend and the perfect guy all in one family! He was kind, gentle, understanding, and so easy to talk to that we would sit on the phone for hours. He never pressured me to have sex, infact to this day we never actually have had sex. But I felt a connection with this guy that I've never felt with anyone, ever. Well, he graduated and went to work full time. We didn't get to see alot of each other and just remained friends. I told every one of my friends the day I graduated that someday I'd be marrying him...well things didn't work out. We'd get close, date for awhile, and then he'd pull away from me for some reason. I just loved him so much, I'd get so excited and I guess I scared him away. He also turned into an alcoholic too by the way. I met someone else, got married, and had two children. We were divorced after 4 yrs. After I was single again, we dated again and began our vicious cycle. Things never worked out. I met someone else and married again. I was desperate to erase him out of my mind! This second marriage turned into a domestic abuse case. After only one yr of marriage, I literally had to run out of the house to get away and go to a neighbor's house to call a cop to take me to an abuse shelter in which I spent the next month. I had no car, nothing. Guess who came to my rescue? You guessed it. He drove down to get me and helped me pick up the pieces of my life. But we still couldn't get our relationship to work after my second divorce. But I still loved him. By this time, we were both frustrated and agreed that we should try to forget each other. We wouldn't have any contact anymore. I got busy with my life and so did he. Four whole years went by without any contact between us. At the end of the third year, I began having dreams about him. He was wanting to tell me something but I could never understand what he was trying to tell me. I just knew something was wrong. After months of these dreams, I finally broke down and called him. I was scared to death that he'd hang up or be standoffish. He wasn't. He just couldn't believe that it was really me. We had a long talk and that's when I found out that he'd been very sick for the past year with congestive heart failure. Three weeks earlier he had had open heart surgery to replace a valve. So, that was five months ago and we've been talking almost weekly. Last week, his sister-my best friend from high school died of a massive heart attack at the age of 33. She had celebrated her birthday 5 days earlier and he had forgotten to send her a card or call. He was devestated...and shocked. I attended the funeral with him and his family. So this is where we're at now, the day after the funeral. I love this man with all of my heart but can't understand why our relationship could never work out. Please, someone give me some advice.
Author bluesapphire Posted March 13, 2005 Author Posted March 13, 2005 He is now a recovering alcoholic since last year, no longer drinking.
tokyo Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 What exactly does make your relationship not work out? I mean, do you have a lot of fights? Do you get bored after a while, but then want to go back? Someone has big issues that he/she can't handle?
Author bluesapphire Posted March 13, 2005 Author Posted March 13, 2005 Well, he was well on his way to becoming an alcoholic even in high school. I think that had alot to do with it. He's never gotten married or had children. The alcohol was #1 in his life from age 18-on up until a year ago. One thing I didn't mention, this guy has Marfan syndrome so it has caused him to have some self-esteem issues. He's not or never will be handsome, it's his personality that I love the most. He's always been cute in his own way. I was always ready to fully commit my life to him, he was always the one to back away...then months later come back to me. We do have such a strong bond to each other, it feels like it'd be impossible to disolve our relationship. I know it may be hard for an outsider to understand.
tokyo Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 Maybe he has problems to believe that someone could be really in love with him despite his his health problems. I would have also thought that alcohol is one of these means that people use in order to forget their problems. My guess is that he has problems that he is not talking with you about and he might feel that you would leave him once he opens up to you and show you how vulnerable he is, because they might scare you away and that's why he is keeping you away in order not to get hurt even more. But as a human being he of course needs someone and that's why he's always coming back. He does like you and that's a good sign. But I'm just guessing, I think you have to nail him down one day and talk with him about this. And be really really nice. Shouldn't be such a problem if you have liked him for such a long time.
Author bluesapphire Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 Yes, I believe you have him figured out! I've tried and tried to reassure him that no matter what kind of problems he has, I'd stick with him. I will always believe that one day we will be together. But since we've only been talking to each other again for a few months, we really haven't gotten into any deep 'relationship' conversations yet....but I felt like I was in high school again when he put his arm around me at the funeral the other day.
Author bluesapphire Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 Also, have you got any specific ideas on exactly what I should say to him???
tokyo Posted March 14, 2005 Posted March 14, 2005 Just a question, why did never anything sexual happen between you and him? Could this be his problem, a consequence of his disease? I can imagine that for men this is a big emotional burden. I also think when it comes to winning someone's trust having one big talk is not enough. It's a constant reassuring that you are truly trustworthy and it needs to be backed up with actions. On the other hand you have to be careful not to give him the feeling that he is starting to depend too much on you, because I think that something that makes people back off quickly, when they realize that their feelings go too deeply too fast and they are not ready for it yet. Someone who is used to being alone and I assume that he's probably a bit of a loner, then having someone around that is too nice can also be a bit disturbing. If you tell him that you will be there for him when he needs something and that he can always talk with you when he wants to, then you give him a choice to accept your invitation or not.
Author bluesapphire Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 I don't really know why we never had sex, we've gone just about as far possible as you can go without doing it but usually he pulls away from me at the last moment. And I'm left feeling as if I've 'thrown' myself at him and wondering what I should have differently. Yes, maybe he has felt like he's became too dependant emotionally on me. Maybe that is one of his problems, do you think so?
Author bluesapphire Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 He surprised me by meeting me at the park today. I'd told him last week if he wanted to go for a walk with me to meet me there. I usually go everyday. We had a really nice time. It was only 50 degrees out and he showed up in shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt! I always walk for an hour and he couldn't keep up with me. That was okay, I slowed down for him. We didn't get into any deep subjects, I know he's still recovering emotionally from the death of his sister last week. I'm still trying to get over the shock myself...but we're going to see each other again this weekend. One small maybe insignificant thing that happened-this was a park that he hadn't been to in quite a few yrs, infact, probably the last time he was there was 14 yrs ago when we used to go there late at night to make out. Anyway, when he didn't show up at the time we'd agreed to meet, I called his cell phone. I just knew he was lost. He answered and I asked him if he was lost. Of course he was. You see how we have that connection with each other? It goes deeper than that, much deeper.
tokyo Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I'm not sure, but I get the feelings from your posts that you treat him a bit like a mother, you are very very caring and loving, and that's nice, but maybe just give him a little bit of space. Let him develop enough trust to come and ask you for help if he needs to. Keep things light, that guy doesn't seem to be very stress resistent. You should talk with him and assure him that you want to understand him, but that it's also ok if he's not ready yet to talk with you about his problems. Be nice and wait and one day he will come.
Author bluesapphire Posted March 19, 2005 Author Posted March 19, 2005 I'd never realized that I probably do treat him in a motherly way. I'm going to make an effort to stop doing that! I've been reading some about soulmates and I do believe that we may actually be soulmates. What does everyone think? I don't know if I've really been in love with this guy for all of these years or if we simply just have some spiritual connection. I mean, he's the only person that I can sit and talk to for hours and it'll only seem like a few minutes, I really feel like I can read what he's thinking. What do you think?
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