MapleWish Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 this is the first time i've been in a situation like this and i dont know how to handle it or even if i can handle it. i'm 21 going on 22, my bf is 25, we've been dating over 2 weeks but before that we'd been talking for over a month. basically he got married young to the first chick he ever dated and he wasnt with her very long in the first place, they'd been separated for like 10 months and then in the couple months or so the divorce papers were signed. there's been no dispute; no kids, no conflict over possessions. she decided she wanted out of a relationship and filed for divorce. my problem my recently divorced boyfriend is still not %100 in the relationship and i dont know why, even he doesnt. i'm not sure it's his situation (ie going through a divorce) or specifically his ex wife holding him back, he's just very emotionally detached. i told him at first i'd be patient and wait for him to get better but now i dont think i can. while i've been waiting he has been treating me very well, i just dont see how it's fair that i need to put my heart on hold, so to speak, while he waits to figure out where his stands. we've had numerous talks, like me being willing to understand his situation and such but i told he's going to get all of me; my time, my attention, my love, cause i started off with a clean slate but turns out dating a recently divorced guy is hard. he scared of change situations he has no control over, girls in general make him nervous cause he's never dated and married the first chick he ever dated and he just wont open up to me emotionally. it's like we're playing a basketball game and he's still on the bench. i dont know if i should hold on a little longer but at the same time i know you cant persuade someone's heart, i could give him more than %100 of me but if something is still in the way, like his ex or him being closed-off, then it wont matter how much love i throw his way. i feel i need to have another talk with him. i'm trying to be understanding but i wish he'd just let go, his ex wife already has and i wish he'd see me standing before him and just give me a full chance, not this half assed "i'll see where it goes" attempt. and no i'm not a rebound, we've discussed that too. he's morally sound enough to know not to screw with my feelings, he's just unsure of his. i know how bad that sounds, i just dont know what to do right now
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 As if he knows you're not a rebound. Listen, people coming out of relationship THINK they are ready to re-invest themselves but it's an illusion, a lie to themselves they are not even aware of. My best friend met a man just 5 months out of divorce, I told her do not touch!!! but she came up with all kinds of excuses, he's so nice, he's the one who ended the marriage, he says he's over it, he says he's ready, blahblahblah. Fast forward 10 months, she just found him on a dating website communicating with 7 different women. History shows it's been going for for months. Good luck with your guy 2
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 You date a young divorced man just fresh out of his only romantic relationship VERY carefully. He has no idea which way is up & no compass within himself to judge situations. Do not give this guy your heart. It will only get broken. 2
carhill Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 D'ed old fart here: 1. Hold on loosely 2. Establish clear boundaries for yourself - what you want; what you'll accept and not accept. 3. At your age, life is infinity. No rush. Enjoy today. There's no clock ticking ominously here. 4
Arieswoman Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 maplewish, I would not advise dating a recently divorced man, or any man who has just come out of a long-term relationship. They will all tell you that they are over their ex but they aren't. I dated two divorced men who had been divorced a year, and I still got burned. I found out after 8 months that one was still sleeping with his ex-wife (and also 2 other women ! ) The other one suddenly decided after 6 months that he still loved his ex and wanted to go back to her. I would say that two years is a good gap, especially if it was a long marriage. Good luck 1
slizl Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I've been divorced for around 20 months now. The first three relationships I had, I swore I was ready, I knew 100% that they weren't rebounds, but in hindsight, they all were. It took me a full year before I was actually ready to be in a realtionship again. 2
carhill Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Based on anecdotal experience with a fair amount of divorces over the decades, I'd personally place the young man in the high risk category for a couple of factors: 1. He's young and got married young 2. It appears he was the 'dumpee' here IME, the person with the greatest chance of moving on quickly and permanently (to a lasting LTR) is a women who is mature, meaning she has past relationship and marital experiences prior, and does the divorcing/dumping. In fact, I struggle the think of any female peers who haven't. About the only one I can think of that may have exhibited signs of residual 'stuff' was a lady I dated while I was separated; she had been divorced about ten years, she said, but the specter of her exH apparently cheating on her still loomed large in her psyche, at least from listening to her. I related some of our experiences in MC and how they helped me and that didn't seem to go over well IMO, with young people, in general, expect things to be volatile and, if they aren't, hey nice gift. I recall some doozies from back in my 20's. Redefined the word 'drama'. Anyway, good luck!
Underthebodhitree Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 This is my experience only, YMMV. I wouldn't date a man if I was looking for a relationship if he had been divorced for less than 6 months, and I really think a year is better. I think men get excited to sow some wild oats immediately after a divorce and that they don't really process it or are prepared to enter any kind of real relationship for quite some time afterward. I initiated my divorce and was done with my marriage months or even years before. I was in no state to date until about a year after. Buyer beware!
ComingInHot Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Your answer might just be in the very basic fact you have only been talking with him for 6 weeks. sweetie, you're already calling him your B/F. That might be considerably too soon for him, ya know? Be patient. Give the two of you time to get to know another. Like months plural.
oldshirt Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 If his divorce is final, then he is a single man and there is no reason to judge or treat him any different than any other guy you date. If he had never been married and was doing what he is doing now, what would you do? How would you handle that? My point is this is just another guy. He is not fundamentally different or "special" from any guy on the market. Simply forget he's divorced and judge him on his own merits as a guy and a suitor. If you like him and want to continue to see him, then do so. If he's not cut'n the mustard and not doing it for you, then let him go. He's just another guy whether he was married before or not. Your making this more difficult and complex than what it needs to be. 1
oldshirt Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 ......and yeah, you've only been dating two weeks. You are putting the cart several miles before the horse here. No man can do what you are expecting him to do in 2 weeks regardless of what their prior history is. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 this is the first time i've been in a situation like this and i dont know how to handle it or even if i can handle it. i'm 21 going on 22, my bf is 25, we've been dating over 2 weeks but before that we'd been talking for over a month. basically he got married young to the first chick he ever dated and he wasnt with her very long in the first place, they'd been separated for like 10 months and then in the couple months or so the divorce papers were signed. there's been no dispute; no kids, no conflict over possessions. she decided she wanted out of a relationship and filed for divorce. my problem my recently divorced boyfriend is still not %100 in the relationship and i dont know why, even he doesnt. i'm not sure it's his situation (ie going through a divorce) or specifically his ex wife holding him back, he's just very emotionally detached. i told him at first i'd be patient and wait for him to get better but now i dont think i can. while i've been waiting he has been treating me very well, i just dont see how it's fair that i need to put my heart on hold, so to speak, while he waits to figure out where his stands. we've had numerous talks, like me being willing to understand his situation and such but i told he's going to get all of me; my time, my attention, my love, cause i started off with a clean slate but turns out dating a recently divorced guy is hard. he scared of change situations he has no control over, girls in general make him nervous cause he's never dated and married the first chick he ever dated and he just wont open up to me emotionally. it's like we're playing a basketball game and he's still on the bench. i dont know if i should hold on a little longer but at the same time i know you cant persuade someone's heart, i could give him more than %100 of me but if something is still in the way, like his ex or him being closed-off, then it wont matter how much love i throw his way. i feel i need to have another talk with him. i'm trying to be understanding but i wish he'd just let go, his ex wife already has and i wish he'd see me standing before him and just give me a full chance, not this half assed "i'll see where it goes" attempt. and no i'm not a rebound, we've discussed that too. he's morally sound enough to know not to screw with my feelings, he's just unsure of his. i know how bad that sounds, i just dont know what to do right now DON'T DATE A RECENTLY DIVORCED MAN, ESPECIALLY ONE WHO IS SO YOUNG AND YOU ARE YOUNG AS WELL. You are very young still and there is no way you are ready to deal with the kinds of issues you would be faced with along the way. Go out and date other men. Enjoy your life, learn some things about yourself and others. Getting involved in a situation like this so young, will compromise your ability to date or see other people when this one fails. It will hurt.
Toodaloo Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 DON'T DATE A RECENTLY DIVORCED MAN, ESPECIALLY ONE WHO IS SO YOUNG AND YOU ARE YOUNG AS WELL. You are very young still and there is no way you are ready to deal with the kinds of issues you would be faced with along the way. Go out and date other men. Enjoy your life, learn some things about yourself and others. Getting involved in a situation like this so young, will compromise your ability to date or see other people when this one fails. It will hurt. I am bouncing up and down waving my arms shouting read this!!! Don't do it. It messes you up. Period. 1
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