Married but keep having crushes

[Emerald_11]

I originally posted this in the cheating. flirting area but thought it might fit in better among conversations about marriage............

 

 

Hello, I came across this site when I was searching the web for help with my problem. I have been married for over 8 years now and we have two kids together. I love my husband very much. We have had our fair share of ups and downs in our relationship. At one point he moved out of the house for a little over a month due to our problems we were having that was about 4 years ago. Most of our issues stem from his drinking and being an angry drunk. There have been a couple times when it seemed like it could be over between us but we always worked things out and haven't had any issues for quite a while now. My husband works a lot out of town and it is normal for him to be gone during the week and home on weekends-sometimes. I don't get to see very much of him these days. Sometimes it seems like I am a single mom.

About a year ago my husband got arrested for DUI and had to stay in jail for two weeks. While he was locked up one night I was driving home after having dinner with some family and got a flat tire. I was stuck on the side of the road at night with two kids and a dog. I went to get the spare tire and realized it was flat too. I called a few people for help with no luck because all the tire shops were closed for the night. Then I had an idea I called a friend of my husbands because he had the same truck as mine and I asked him to borrow his spare tire. He immediately came to the rescue let me borrow his spare and changed it for me and everything. He was my hero that night. Now I have always thought this friend of my husbands was a cool guy but after that night I started to notice things about him I had never seen before & I found myself attracted to him. I realized that I have a crush on him. My husband was happy that his friend was there for me when he could not be. I will never tell him or my husband about the crush because it just isn't any of their business and could make things totally awkward. As a matter of fact I haven't told anyone about this for fear of judgment. Since then I have worked really hard to stop having inappropriate thoughts and feelings about this guy and feel that I have gotten that crush tamed down a lot but it is still there. So now this semester at school I met a guy in one of my classes who I have been getting to know a little bit here and there during class. We just make friendly small talk as I do with many of my other male and female classmates. The class is an hour long twice a week and most of the class is the instructor lecturing. One day about two weeks ago I showed up to class about 10 minutes early and he was there & we chatted a little mostly about what was going on in class among other things it was a really fun conversation and our jokes came naturally and we laughed and had a good time. I remember thinking during that class that I really had a lot in common with the guy and worried that my niceness might be misunderstood as me flirting with him- he is a good looking guy. Later I found myself thinking about him when I wasn't in class and realized that I have another crush! Since that realization I have tried sitting in a different spot in class but he still came & sat by me there. When class is over I usually just leave really quickly to avoid any eye contact or other conversations with him and I just make a bee line to my truck. I have been thinking about this guy and the way we get along interests we share and chemistry that we have at least once a day. I don't know him very well at all though. Then last Thursday he asked me for my phone number during class! I was flattered and happy that he likes me too. I was sort of caught off guard and looked at him dumfounded realizing that I never told him I was married. It just never came up. He seemed embarrassed that I didn't respond right away and he quickly changed the subject to something much lighter. I know that was my cue to tell him I am married but I feel bad that I missed it. After class I just said bye to everyone and left quickly. The guy seems to be single and he deserves someone who is unattached and it wouldn't be fair to my husband...So avoidance is my strategy. I think I can make it through this semester it is hard for me though.

My wedding ring is broken a diamond fell out leaving a sharp claw where it was that snags my clothes is scratchy. I have asked my husband several times to help me get it fixed or replaced for me so people will know I am married when they see it. There always seems to be something else more important to spend money on I guess. I told my husband later that night that a guy in my class asked for my number and maybe its time to get a ring on my finger again. My husbands response was something along the lines of he couldn't possibly be as cool as he is and someday eventually getting a new ring or fixing the broken one will happen but not anytime soon.

One of my hobbies I enjoy very much is snowboarding. I few years ago my husband hurt his knee at work and since then he does not like snowboarding much anymore because he says his knee hurts too much to enjoy it. This was a BIG bummer for me because if I could I would be at the mountain every chance I get. I have tried to go snowboarding with other friends of mine but hardly any of them can keep up with me and I end up teaching them how to snowboard all day instead of actually getting to challenge myself at all. I have been longing to meet a friend to go riding with of equal or greater skill level as I am at- ( I have been hitting the slopes since I was a child). I found out that the guy in my class is also an avid snowboarder he even showed me pictures on his phone and I suspect he is just as good if not better than me at snowboarding. Now I have been having weird daydream fantasies about going snowboarding with him and joking around having a great time. I feel like a terrible person for feeling attracted to other men, but they are just so darn attractive!-not only physically but also just really nice guys that could treat a lady very well. I am only human and I am not a perfect person but having crushes on people while married is torture! Please, if anyone has any helpful suggestions or advice I would appreciate it!!

[whichwayisup]

You need to get some women friends and spend time with them and not men. You seem to fall for guys who are just being nice, paying attention to you because you feel neglected in your marriage. You need to make time for one another, go on date nights. And borrow money if need be to get your ring fixed! That's important!

 

Learn boundaries. Having men as friends is nice but don't cross the lines and make it clear that you aren't interested. Many men are able to sniff out a woman who is unhappy in her marriage and take advantage/manipulate the situation, making it hard to say no to advances. You see your husbands friend as a 'hero.' He isn't. He is a friend that did a nice thing - Something he'd probably do for any other friend, a neighbour or family member. Don't make more of it than it was.

 

You and your H need to talk, spend time together and possibly go to marriage counseling too.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I don't think you'll find me to be very helpful, but I just wanted to let you know that I can *completely* relate. You are not alone! Last summer I had a crush on a guy on my train to work...ack. We were always smiling at each other/checking each other out and then he started sitting next to me each day...one day I realized no good could come of it and decided to quit that "habit" cold turkey and started leaving a bit later and never saw him again. I figured it was a once off thing.

 

Fast forward to this summer and it's the same thing all over again only worse because this time it's a guy I actually know and can't just walk away from.

 

You know what though? I had a heart to heart with my husband after we had a fight last week, and in turn he did several very nice things for me and instead of thinking of my crush I'm thinking of the 2 vacations my husband and I are planning together and feeling excited about them instead. :-)

 

Would having a similar talk with your hubby help?

[Emerald_11]

A vacation is a great idea! Getting away from it all would be nice. My husband & I both work so hard we need and deserve that.

 

 

My husbands friend is on my facebook friends list and it does remind me of him often when I see pictures of him, things he likes, & things we like in like in common. Sometimes we comment on each others stuff. My husband looks at my facebook with me sometimes and he likes seeing his friends stuff on there. My husband said he has no interest in setting up his own facebook page. I have no reason to delete this guy or unfriend him. If he noticed he might think I was mad at him or he did something wrong and he didn't. I like my facebook friends, they entertain me. And like I said before that crush is tamed down A LOT now so its ok. I know him helping me out with the tire is something he would have done for any friend of his and I am not special to him because of it. I am just thankful for him being there.

 

Another good idea I thought of is changing the lecture that I attend to a different time. There are two classes and two different lab times. I will call my instructor and just say something changed with my work schedule and ask if I can go to the other class instead. Hopefully it solves that problem. Then I might not ever see that guy again unless I happen to see him in public someplace but what are the odds of that... We can just forget all about each other. & I can focus on college, my husband and family!!

 

 

Well that's not going to work * it wont be that easy* darn!! I just checked the other class time online just now and its the same time as my algebra class & I can't miss that...What should I do guys????

 

 

Should I sit someplace else again?, try to ignore him? I don't like to be rude.... Maybe I should try to seem too busy with my phone right before & immediately after class like- pick that time to text people I was going to talk to anyways...I will probably have to tell him I'm married..Or just start talking to the other girl that sits on the other side of me about my husband in some way & just work it into the conversation casually so he overhears if he cares.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Emerald_11

[Mr. Lucky]

I am only human and I am not a perfect person but having crushes on people while married is torture! Please, if anyone has any helpful suggestions or advice I would appreciate it!!

I'd guess your psyche is telling you something about the state of your marriage - simply put, happy couples relate to members of the opposite sex in healthy ways.

 

Fix the issues in your marriage, the crushes will go away. Continue on your path with an alcoholic and largely absent husband, you'll probably remain susceptible. MC would be best but you should seek IC if your H won't go. Right now, you're projecting feelings and qualities you wish were part of your marriage on random acquaintances, not a healthy course...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thirtysomethingteen]

Another good idea I thought of is changing the lecture that I attend to a different time. There are two classes and two different lab times. I will call my instructor and just say something changed with my work schedule and ask if I can go to the other class instead. Hopefully it solves that problem. Then I might not ever see that guy again unless I happen to see him in public someplace but what are the odds of that... We can just forget all about each other. & I can focus on college, my husband and family!!

 

 

Well that's not going to work * it wont be that easy* darn!! I just checked the other class time online just now and its the same time as my algebra class & I can't miss that...What should I do guys????

 

 

Should I sit someplace else again?, try to ignore him? I don't like to be rude.... Maybe I should try to seem too busy with my phone right before & immediately after class like- pick that time to text people I was going to talk to anyways...I will probably have to tell him I'm married..Or just start talking to the other girl that sits on the other side of me about my husband in some way & just work it into the conversation casually so he overhears if he cares.

 

Hmm, I guess it depends. Telling him (or letting him overhear) that you're married would be a good start. Whether you should avoid him or not depends: is he the type that wouldn't care that you're married? If he were to make a move on you, are you strong enough to resist?

 

You and your hubby should definitely take a vacation! It would give you something to plan for and look forward to together. :-)

 

I would recommend giving a lot of thought to what these other men are doing for you that your husband is not (I actually went to counselling for this) and then laying it all on the table for your husband. You don't necessarily need to tell him all about the other men, but he needs to know that your needs aren't being met and that it's causing you to look elsewhere. And nothing good is going to come of that if things don't change.

 

My husband seems to be "getting it" in stages. At first he became kind of whiny/clingy/sad/insecure/possessive which didn't exactly endear him to me, but he seemed to wake up and get it late last week: I am very into riding my bike and he purchased one of his own so we can go for rides together. He is planning not one but two holidays for us (usually I have to fight him tooth and nail because he doesn't want to take time off work). And amazingly he threw away a TON of crap that I've been begging him to get rid of for years (which he flat out refused to do) without me even bringing it up!

 

Have a talk (or many talks if need be) with your husband. At least give him the chance to fight for you. He just may surprise you. :-)

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[pink_sugar]

I agree...start with telling these men that you are married. However, you might face (and I have myself) the "But you're not wearing a ring" remarks. Unfortunately, in our society it's not surprising when married men don't wear rings, but if a woman doesn't have a ring on, she must not be married. I also don't understand why your husband doesn't see fixing your ring as a priority. Someday? I mean, come on. I'm not sure how large your missing diamond is, but it was only $70 for me to replace a missing diamond on one of my rings. If it is a large costly diamond, getting a replacement doesn't have to break the bank...even just a simple band will suffice until you're able to get something nicer. I also think that your need to feel satisfied by men other than your H, is probably because something is missing or there are troubles that aren't being addressed.

Edited October 30, 2014 by pink_sugar

[spanz1]

telling them you are married, or wearing a ring, is not going to stop them flirting with you if they can tell from your vibes that you are interested. Oddly, some men even prefer married women, they know the partner is only in it for the sex and there are no encumberances.

 

 

so THAT is not the answer. Your raging libido is not being satisfied by your husband. That is the problem.

 

 

Not much you can do about him having a job that makes him travel. Nowadays one takes what he can for jobs. but YOU can do stuff. Like video skyp with him when he is traveling.

 

 

Maybe he can ski while you snowboard? the poles and the freedom of movement of the two feet is more suited for a guy with a bum knee. He can wear a neoprene bootie over his inee for extra support.

 

 

You might try other ways of relieving your sexual tension, like porn or reading erotic stories. Try to develop a strong fantasy life to tide you over, but NOT let it seep into your real life?

[Emerald_11]

So- today in class I sat in a different spot - I basically forced the girl who sits on the other side of me to trade me places. I got there before her and she didn't even say anything about it & just sat where I normally have been sitting ...there's no assigned seats but after a while people sort of have a place they sit all the time...Im going to try to stick to this new arrangement. I totally avoided talking to him during class -the only things said were-him-"hi" & me "hows it going?" he didn't respond and looked a little confused when I sat further away from him. I decided it is probably safer to only talk to female classmates as a new rule. After class he was sitting on a bench outside the door of the class he was looking down so no eye contact happened. I just walked the other way and got out of there before any conversations could start & basically pretended not to see him. It was cold on my part I know but I don't know him or owe him anything. Not even any explanation. It is for his own good.. He will be fine I'm sure. He did talk a little bit to the girl that was in my usual spot & I think that's great.

 

 

My husband will be home tomorrow. I am really excited to see him. I think a lot of you are right about us needing marriage counseling. There is so much history between us and so many things we have gone through together. A few issues from a while back are sort of buried and its unspoken but we seem to have a silent agreement that those memories and topics are "off limits" but I think we need to set aside time to talk about it all again. It might be best if we wait to do it in a counseling environment as the things that happened are very traumatic so I am looking into local places to go.

[SawtoothMars]

So- today in class I sat in a different spot - I basically forced the girl who sits on the other side of me to trade me places. I got there before her and she didn't even say anything about it & just sat where I normally have been sitting ...there's no assigned seats but after a while people sort of have a place they sit all the time...Im going to try to stick to this new arrangement. I totally avoided talking to him during class -the only things said were-him-"hi" & me "hows it going?" he didn't respond and looked a little confused when I sat further away from him. I decided it is probably safer to only talk to female classmates as a new rule. After class he was sitting on a bench outside the door of the class he was looking down so no eye contact happened. I just walked the other way and got out of there before any conversations could start & basically pretended not to see him. It was cold on my part I know but I don't know him or owe him anything. Not even any explanation. It is for his own good.. He will be fine I'm sure. He did talk a little bit to the girl that was in my usual spot & I think that's great.

My husband will be home tomorrow. I am really excited to see him. I think a lot of you are right about us needing marriage counseling. There is so much history between us and so many things we have gone through together. A few issues from a while back are sort of buried and its unspoken but we seem to have a silent agreement that those memories and topics are "off limits" but I think we need to set aside time to talk about it all again. It might be best if we wait to do it in a counseling environment as the things that happened are very traumatic so I am looking into local places to go.

 

Bravo! Your husband is lucky to have someone as good as you.

 

I think the key here is to work on your marriage, otherwise there will just be another crush later. Perhaps you have some pent up resentment over his alcohol issues or just can't trust that he has changed. I could be a lot of things, but you need to talk with him about this and work it out.

 

You may need to give him a serious reason to attend marriage counseling. Many guys like me don't like to air dirty laundry in front of strangers. Your H may be different, but don't be afraid to really push buttons. If you don't... I think your marriage is going to end in disaster.

 

Find happiness together and Go For It!

[spanz1]

good for you. I know it is tough. come back here and post if your mind starts to wander again!

 

Maybe you can just buy him that book "the 5 love languages" and you two figure out how to better talk to each other and show affection.

 

I would also really make a point of having a LOT of sex while he is there physically. Get in your fill so you will have something to remember next time he travels.

[Miss Clavel]

Hmm, I guess it depends. Telling him (or letting him overhear) that you're married would be a good start

.

 

amen. the end.

[Emerald_11]

We have been doing face time on our phones about every other day and I think its nicer to be able to see each other so that helped.

 

 

My husband will be home for the weekend tomorrow. BUT he says he has to interview some new guys for jobs he needs to fill on Saturday AND go look at another potential job that is close to where we live this weekend. So it sounds like he is just So busy! His uncle invited us to a family dinner/BBQ this weekend but my husband declined that invite after I told him I really just wanted to spend time with just him. I guess it may seem selfish but I don't feel like sharing my husband with his cousins/ family after not seeing him all week while he has been gone. Plus another reason I don't want to go is his family seems to encourage my husband to get really drunk -way more so than he does just at home. I have talked to his cousin about it but nothing changed they always seem to bust out the shot glasses so just not going as often when they invite us is my solution. Don't get me wrong though I am not trying to stop my husband from seeing his family but I am glad that he told me he declined this most recent invite.

 

 

I am happy for my husband that he is successful but it has been hard. I told my husband I really want to spend some good alone time with him and suggested a trip to some hot springs that are about an hour and a half drive away. He seemed to like the idea but says he can't do that until January or February. So I am looking forward to that but it seems like a long time from now. I don't know why we cant set aside time for that one weekend a little sooner than after the next year begins.

 

 

He says he will help me get my wedding ring fixed soon...but he has been saying that for a while like I said before he is super busy with his work. I think I will take my ring to the place we bought it from and check to see about the cost to do that next week sometime.

That way if I have a ring on it will be less stressful for me and the guys at my college & at work will know I am married without awkward situations having to happen first.

 

 

I don't think I have overstepped any boundaries with the guy from one of my classes who asked me out. Even though I thought of him later....nothing happened and won't happen....It is no where near an emotional affair as I do not have any contact with him outside of class. Never exchanged numbers no facebooking going on---nothing. We are just classmates and conversations are bound to happen in class. I talk to other classmates male & female alike.

 

 

I work so hard all week long studying going to school, spending time with and taking care of our kids, and working part time. I really look forward to seeing my husband.

This trip of his out of town of his was sort of stressful for me because my husband has been waiting on a payment check in the mail and it is late so he ran out of money while out of town. Luckily I just got my financial aid money for college. I was planning on buying some winter boots for myself and some clothes and things for my kids but instead I ended up putting it in my husbands business account so he wasn't stranded out of town. So we will just wait on the boots and clothes until after my husbands jobs pay off.

I know my husband works hard and he says he is doing it for us so we can accomplish goals of ours but I just don't know how long I can have him so absent and detached from my life and from our kids like he has been. I feel like a single parent often. People who see me in public with my kids probably assume I am a single mom also since I can't wear my ring right now since it is broken. I am not one to care too much what others think though.

Feeling like a single mom is rough when I am not a single mom technically but have to be a lot of the time. It gets exhausting and is lonely being the only adult most of the time.

 

 

I guess I just don't feel like a priority of his. I know he cares & I try to be understanding and patient....

I mentioned to him that I think we should see a marriage counselor & I looked into it but with his work schedule it doesn't look like it fits into the already crammed schedule. My husband also doesn't think we need counseling....I just got insurance set up through my job and might look into counseling without him because I feel like I need help making the best decisions.

 

 

I just don't know how to make this work for me. I am a happy person & love life. I just want to live my life with my husband and he is just not too available....

I just need his attention!! & I know that is why I enjoyed the other attention I received just a little too much.

 

 

What are your thoughts/opinions/ suggestions? Does it sound like it is selfish of me to want more?

[elaine567]

SO have you sorted out the mess with the surprise threesome he pulled on you?

[Emerald_11]

SO have you sorted out the mess with the surprise threesome he pulled on you?

 

 

 

 

 

I did talk to him about it and he says he has no idea why that chick wanted to leave with us. He says she called him earlier that night to see what him & I were doing and he told her where we would be. He denies ever talking to her about any threesome or anything like that. He assures me he will not allow any other women to have his number or to call him since he knows it makes me suspicious of him. He said he won't ever do anything that could lead to a situation like that again.