blm106 Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 My ex and i have been together for 2 and 1/2 years and just yesterday she decided she didnt want to be in this relationship anymore. In order for you to understand my situation and offer some advice i have to give you a little background: We met prom weekend of senior year of high school. It was supposed to be a one night stand but i didn't want to be another guy who just has sex with a girl and stops talking to her so i pursued her and within a few days we friends. A few weeks later we started dating and that was the start of what i thought would be a great relationship. Everything was great at first. We never fought, had sex once a week or so since we were kind of long distance because of school (but i came up every weekend to see her) and we would have a lot of fun and laughs. We were best friends and lovers which was perfect. She was never the type of girl who would compliment or plan dates or do little things for me but i didn't care for that too much since i always thought it was the guys responsibility. So i would get her flowers, do small cheesy things that she enjoyed and made her laugh, tried to be sexy for her, planned dates, spent the most money and time and told her i loved her almost every day after she was the one to finally say it three months in to our relationship. About 4 months in, we stopped having sex because it was weird for her to do it in her house and i completely understood but she left it up to me to pick new places and she was never comfortable with it them so sex became less frequent and we would only do it once a month. This set the precedent for the next 2 years. I never stopped being the loving, caring and supportive boyfriend that i thought she wanted and needed but she also never started being romantic, caring, sexy and playful girlfriend i was looking for. We talked about this many times and i told her how i felt she didn't put enough effort into the relationship especially when it came to us being intimate. When we would have sex once a month she would say it hurted after about 10 minutes or say she wasn't in the mood or made excuses to not have sex and even had a bored look on her face when we were trying. At first i was understanding but i kept feeling like she wanted to be friends instead of being in a relationship. I told her that i wantes wanted intimacy in my life because it was important to me and she said she would try to make it better. A year after we started going out i broke up with her because i felt like i couldn't put myself in that position anymore. I became jealous and stopped trusting her because i thought she was seeing other people behind my back. I became angry and we would fight a lot so it was enough for me. About 2 weeks later i contacted her to see how she was doing and she told me she missed me and would try harder so we decided to give it another try. It was good for the first 2-3 months but then the same thing started to happen. I would spend most of my energy time and money on her and what she wanted to do but she never complimented me, tried to be intimate, planned dates, went down to my college to see me. Basically i felt that she didn't do many of the girlfriend things i thought was part of the relationship. We went back to having sex once a month and it even got to the point where i wasnt interested in it anymore. Dont get me wrong. I loved this girl and would do anything for her. she was thw love of my life and we talked about spending our life together. It wasnt a bad relationship at all, we were best friends, had many laughs and great times, talked about everything but i could never shake the feeling that the spark was missing or gone. She told me she was the sweetest person she ever knew. She loved my body since i work out and so i know she was attracted to me but she would never show it. I know it was my insecurities that playd a big part of it but dont you think your significant other deserves to know how you feel about them? She never initated anything no matter how long i waited. One day she asked me what i liked about her and i couldn't keep my mouth shut because i thought she was amazing in many ways. But then i asked her why she liked me and all she could say was that it was because i was the nicest guy shes ever known. Throughout our whole relationship there were 2, 4 month periods where we weren't intimate. The 4 months before the breek up, 4 months after we got together and a recent 3 months before yesterday when we broke up. I brokw up with her 2 weeks ago but regretted it after the first day and told her i made a mistake because i was angry and impulsive. I told her i loved her and i missed her and wanted to try harder to make things work. She said she didn't know if she wanted to be together anymore because she was tired of all the fighting and making me feel like i wasnt enough for her but she would think about it. A week after the breakup i saw her and we had a great time and talked about us and even made out but she said she still wasnt sure so she needed more time. Yesterday she txted me saying she was ready to talk and i asked her whether it was good or bad news and she said it was bad news. i became furious because for 2 and 1/2 years of my life i dedicated myself to this girl. I gave her everything she needed and wanted, my full support, unconditional love and many chances to show me our problems would get better. I changed myself for her but she wasnt willing to do the same for me. I couldn't help myself because i was insulted that she didnt wait ro talk in person or even call me so i wrote and wrote and wrote horrible mean txts telling her how much i hated her and how much i never wanted to see her again. i know it was wrong but i couldn't help it. I was confused, furious and felt like she played me and ended it through a simple text message. I asked her why she did it and she said because it was right for her. She had just gone off the pill 2 weeks ago too which was why we thought she had a low sex drive. I told her she gave up on us and didnt deserve all the love i had to offer. I dont know who was right or wrong in this whole situation. She was the stronger one since she didnt reply to all my mean angry txts and i havent talked to her since last night when she decided she wanted out. what do i do now? How can i stop being so angry and hating her for everything? I never want to see her again and i want her to realize what she lost but i also want to contact her and ask her what her real reasons were for giving up. I need your opinion guys. Who was right? Did i wait too long to end it or should i have tried harder and not broken up with her in the first place. I want to know how she feels knowing she'll never have me in her life again. I need some advice because all i feel is anger and hate. I knkwits a long read but its my situation and i cant stop thinking about it. Any advice would help. Thank you for your time.
walkingonair Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Why did you break up with her two weeks ago?How long did you not contact her during the breakup?
Chi townD Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Walk away dude. Time to heal and move on. You said you wasted 2.5 years on her, but I think you can count this as a blessing and be thankful it wasn't 10 years and a marriage with a couple of kids. Well, you blasted the hell out of her and you just only re-enforced her reason for ending it with you. You gave her permission to forgive herself and move on away from you guilt free with that tirade you showed her. I strongly encourage you to see someone about these feelings that you're having. And I strongly encourage you to seek anger management. Time to move on dude!
ExpatInItaly Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 It's not about who's right or wrong. This isn't a competition. You both did things that weren't wise. I think you're looking through rose-coloured glasses at the last couple years and putting her on a pedestal. Sure, there were good moments and a solid friendship, but it also sounds as though there were fundamental problems with the relationship. You stated you changed for her. That's on you. You shouldn't need to change who you are. The other person either accepts you or they don't. Also, she showed you from the beginning that she didn't possess some of the qualities you were looking for. She didn't compliment you, didn't plan dates, didn't initiate intimacy, wasn't playful, and so on. Even after talking about it, nothing changed. And you chose to go back. Instead of heaping the blame entirely on her, you should also be asking yourself why you went back and stayed, knowing you weren't totally happy. I think she'll miss you but it sounds like she'd already checked out. You can't make someone realize what they've lost if they were already preparing to let go. I get that you're angry and hurt. We've all been there. You did invest a lot in her and she no longer feels the same way. Unfortunately, this happens often, particularly when you're young. But ask yourself if you really would have been totally satisfied carrying on the way you had been. As you describe, it sounds like a one-sided relationship in which your needs/desires weren't being met. That isn't exactly the foundation of a long-term, healthy relationship. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong (because there simply is no definitive answer for that) focus on letting go. The anger will linger for a while but not forever. The longer you try to assign blame, the longer it will stick around, though.
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