getting over ex gf with NC

[mattsdv1986]

Long story short, we dated for 6 years and broke up a few months ago. We both pushed pulled eachother, when I started dating someone new she came running back, when I told her I wanted to be with her she ran away. She was so hot and col and borderline personality disorder-ish during the first few months. Now she is dating someone new and is basically so cold and impartial. Told me the other day that she doesnt want any type of relationship with me friendly or otherwise. Any idea on how to move on? I cant stop thinking about her and I really want to move on. I dont get how someone I was so closed to and we were so in love only a few short months ago wants nothing to do with me. I should feel better by now, but this state of finality is killing me.

[Fix]

The truth is you will do what everyone else does when they lose someone. You'll try no contact, but you'll end up checking her social media on a regular basis... Then you will eventually text or email her... Probably a few times... Then eventually you will manage a longer stretch of no contact, but in the back of your mind you will be thinking 'Ex's always come back, I read that, no contact can bring an ex back...', but you'll get sick of waiting and so text her again... Then you'll tell yourself you're in no contact for real this time... Probably last a little longer. Then some event will pop up, Christmas/birthday/whatever, and you'll make your last ditch attempt... She will either ignore you or give you a one word reply... Then you will go again with the no contact and basically you will recycle this pattern over and over for a long time.

 

Then eventually you will either meet someone else and be free of it, and this is when you will actually go no contact for real because you wont care about your ex any more... Or you wont meet anyone else and you will spend years, I mean literally years, dwelling on your ex.

 

What you should do is really honestly think to yourself 'What is it that I can change about myself to make my ex like me again?'. You'll probably come up with - Get in shape, have more money, dress better, get a better car, get a nice home, be more confident and fun - Then you should pursue all of these things full force and do everything you can to attain them. Once you have go to your ex, show her the new you and all you have to offer, and see if she is interested.

 

That's what you should do, but you wont. What you will do is nothing. You'll just stay the same as you are now because all of that is way too much effort, will take way too long and you really can't be bothered.

 

You wont get her back, nothing you do will help, and that is just that. Stop coming on here, stop reading all of this crap, stop googling every bit of relationship information advice you can. It will not help. She either wants you or she doesn't, and she doesn't. So basically your options are - Do all that stuff I said and essentially become a new and better person(And if you do pull all of that off chances are you'll put yourself in a position to get someone better than your ex so you wont want her any way), or accept that she just got bored of you and no longer finds you attractive in any way and that's it. You do nothing, because there is nothing to be done. You are who you are, and she is no longer interested in who you are.

[d0nnivain]

Putting distance in the relationship after the break up avoids pain. Nobody wants / needs a front row seat to their former lover's new romance.

 

It's simply too soon for you two to be friends. Try again in 5 years.

[BC1980]

There really is no middle ground after a breakup. There is no friendship. People that engage in so called friendships with an ex have an ulterior motive, and they never move on. You are just inviting more pain by trying to be friends.

[Zahara]

What you should do is really honestly think to yourself 'What is it that I can change about myself to make my ex like me again?'. You'll probably come up with - Get in shape, have more money, dress better, get a better car, get a nice home, be more confident and fun - Then you should pursue all of these things full force and do everything you can to attain them. Once you have go to your ex, show her the new you and all you have to offer, and see if she is interested.

 

Please don't do this. If you want to achieve self-improvement, do it because you want to do it for yourself and not because you need validation from an ex.

 

You "change" yourself because YOU want to become a better person and not because you want someone to want you.

 

When you are constantly looking for external validation, it's because you see no value in yourself.

[Chi townD]

You need to start NO CONTACT. Strict NC. If she's discovering that you're dating, then you're not in NC. If you hear she's in a relationship, then you're not in NC.

 

 

You need to ignore any texts and allow all calls to go to voicemail. Don't answer any emails from her either. And YOU do not call text or email her as well. You need to block her from all social media. You need to BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!

 

 

Then, you need to start making positive changes in your life. Get a new hairstyle. Something people are going to notice and like. You need to buy a new wardrobe. You want people telling you, "Damn dude! Looking sharp!"

 

 

Then, you need to get to the gym. Everyday! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. You'll be burning off the stress and frustrations that you're having AND you'll be working towards that rock hard and ripped bod that girls are definitely going to love.

 

 

Then, get new hobbies! With these hobbies, there are usually clubs in your area with people that have a shared interest. JOIN THEM! Get out there! Meet new people! So, join a running club, or a cycling club, or take dive lessons or a photography course. Get out there and start meeting new people!

 

 

Then, TRAVEL! Go see the world! Get out of your comfort zone and see something new! It could be a long holiday or a long weekend away. Just get away from things that are going to remind you of your Ex.

 

 

Now, will NC heal you? Ye. Will NC and making positive changes in your life heal you faster? DEFINITELY! So, give it a shot!

[Zahara]

Can anyone give me advice on how to heal and get over an ex gf? Long story short, we dated for 6 years and broke up a few months ago. We both pushed pulled eachother, when I started dating someone new she came running back, when I told her I wanted to be with her she ran away. She was so hot and col dand borderline personality disorder-ish during the first few months. Now she is dating someone new and is basically so cold and impartial. Told me the other day that she doesnt want any type of relationship with me friendly or otherwise. Any idea on how to move on? I cant stop thinking about her and I really want to move on. I dont get how someone I was so closed to and we were so in love only a few short months ago wants nothing to do with me. I should feel better by now, but this state of finality is killing me.

 

OP, we've all been there. Unfortunately, it is a painful road but you'll get there.

 

The only way to move on is to accept that it is over. Getting a grasp on that reality will allow you to move forward, albeit painful and difficult.

 

For one, you should make sure that you have her blocked and removed from any form of communication. Triggers and reminders should be avoided at all costs. You want to take steps forward, and not back. I saw your thread about being friends. That is not a good idea when you are emotional.

 

Time, and what you do with that time is important. When an ending happens, the focus needs to shift on you. Grieving is important and it is a process. You're going to go up and down but it is not an indication that you're experiencing a set-back or that you have to revisit your ex. It's just a pattern of emotions that comes with grief and healing. Let them come and let them pass, because they will.

 

Focus on improving yourself. Whether it's going to the gym, reading self-help books, going to meet-ups, volunteering, traveling, etc. -- the hole that she left in you needs to be filled with things that fulfill you, that distract you, that keeps your focus away from her and on you moving forward.

 

There are days where it's going to be hard to get up and do, but you must do. It's almost like creating a new habit, a new pattern.

[walkingonair]

She obviously has commitment issues and runs from love.She's dating the new person because she has no feelings for him and it's fun and casual.It was getting serious with you so she runs.Also you never were committed to eachother?Just dating for the past 6 years?If you need advice,pm me.I have experience with people like this

[mattsdv1986]

The truth is you will do what everyone else does when they lose someone. You'll try no contact, but you'll end up checking her social media on a regular basis... Then you will eventually text or email her... Probably a few times... Then eventually you will manage a longer stretch of no contact, but in the back of your mind you will be thinking 'Ex's always come back, I read that, no contact can bring an ex back...', but you'll get sick of waiting and so text her again... Then you'll tell yourself you're in no contact for real this time... Probably last a little longer. Then some event will pop up, Christmas/birthday/whatever, and you'll make your last ditch attempt... She will either ignore you or give you a one word reply... Then you will go again with the no contact and basically you will recycle this pattern over and over for a long time.

 

Then eventually you will either meet someone else and be free of it, and this is when you will actually go no contact for real because you wont care about your ex any more... Or you wont meet anyone else and you will spend years, I mean literally years, dwelling on your ex.

 

What you should do is really honestly think to yourself 'What is it that I can change about myself to make my ex like me again?'. You'll probably come up with - Get in shape, have more money, dress better, get a better car, get a nice home, be more confident and fun - Then you should pursue all of these things full force and do everything you can to attain them. Once you have go to your ex, show her the new you and all you have to offer, and see if she is interested.

 

That's what you should do, but you wont. What you will do is nothing. You'll just stay the same as you are now because all of that is way too much effort, will take way too long and you really can't be bothered.

 

You wont get her back, nothing you do will help, and that is just that. Stop coming on here, stop reading all of this crap, stop googling every bit of relationship information advice you can. It will not help. She either wants you or she doesn't, and she doesn't. So basically your options are - Do all that stuff I said and essentially become a new and better person(And if you do pull all of that off chances are you'll put yourself in a position to get someone better than your ex so you wont want her any way), or accept that she just got bored of you and no longer finds you attractive in any way and that's it. You do nothing, because there is nothing to be done. You are who you are, and she is no longer interested in who you are.

 

OP, we've all been there. Unfortunately, it is a painful road but you'll get there.

 

The only way to move on is to accept that it is over. Getting a grasp on that reality will allow you to move forward, albeit painful and difficult.

 

For one, you should make sure that you have her blocked and removed from any form of communication. Triggers and reminders should be avoided at all costs. You want to take steps forward, and not back. I saw your thread about being friends. That is not a good idea when you are emotional.

 

Time, and what you do with that time is important. When an ending happens, the focus needs to shift on you. Grieving is important and it is a process. You're going to go up and down but it is not an indication that you're experiencing a set-back or that you have to revisit your ex. It's just a pattern of emotions that comes with grief and healing. Let them come and let them pass, because they will.

 

Focus on improving yourself. Whether it's going to the gym, reading self-help books, going to meet-ups, volunteering, traveling, etc. -- the hole that she left in you needs to be filled with things that fulfill you, that distract you, that keeps your focus away from her and on you moving forward.

 

There are days where it's going to be hard to get up and do, but you must do. It's almost like creating a new habit, a new pattern.

 

Wouldl ove to hear your story, you seem to have gone through this again - what you did and how you got better

[OrchidLover]

NO CONTACT RULE! You should def. practice that. 6 years is a freaking long time. The only suggestion I have for you is absolutely do not talk to her. I made this mistake, my ex bf was doing what your ex is doing to me. He would be so nice one day, but when I bring up get back together, he would be so cold. He was having a lot of parties with his friends and girls without me while I was crying everyday after the break up for a year. I always initiated and contacted him first after the break up. That was the biggest mistake. I am so glad I finally stopped contacting him 3 months ago. I can tell you that I am so much happier without him. Good luck to you! Find another girl to talk to, doesn't have to hook up with her, but def. stay away from your ex!

[mattsdv1986]

She obviously has commitment issues and runs from love.She's dating the new person because she has no feelings for him and it's fun and casual.It was getting serious with you so she runs.Also you never were committed to eachother?Just dating for the past 6 years?If you need advice,pm me.I have experience with people like this

 

Hi walingonair - LS wont let me send Private messages - can we chat through email?

 

Here is the long version of our relationship / the breakup - any advice is so greatly appreciated!

 

My ex girlfriend and I were dating for 6 years, talks about marriage, kids, etc - we moved out to Denver to be closer to her family and I became extremely resentful because we never had a discussion about it. She basically said fi you want to be with you'll move because I am moving regardless. We broke up 2 other times in the last 2 years, but always came back to one another. I really wanted to change (be more present, make bigger sacrifices, stop being so prideful) and would tell her this.

 

After being broken up for a month, we get drinks - have sex - then she comes back and says that we need more time and space - and we cant just jump back into old habits. I dont talk to her for 9 days - she comes back and ask if we can grab a drink. Her friend tells me she isnt dating anyone - but wants to experience things outside the relationship since she gave me so many chances and here we are again.

 

We finally schedule to meet, she invites me over, then the next day tells me its a bad idea because she misses me as a person from her life and we are not getting back together. Tells me she is dating other people and doesnt want to rehash things. We finally do meet up, joke, laugh, hang out, and she starts asking me questions about the girls im dating and that we can be friends. I tell her we both need to date to get some perspective, but i eventually want to know if we can find other people of if were meant to be and then we can reconnect. she agrees. it ended with her telling me later by text that she had a great time and thinks its best for us and will make us both happy to continue doing what we are doing - that she excited for this next chapter.

 

After this (1 month post breakup) she checked in with me ever 4 /5 days when I was doing no contact. She has said everything from I miss you, that break ups are awful, to texting me for drunken hook ups, just calling to check in, etc. When I gave in and talked, she totally reverted and became cold and mean. When I say we needed to not talk, she gots extremely angry and freaked out about old arguments.

 

It came to a head (2 months after breakup) when I asked her to drinks and she was all for it, until the day came when we were supposed to get drinks (2 days after asking her). She said it wasn’t the best idea since we aren’t going to be together, that our ship has sailed and she has no idea what signals I got that we aren’t broken up. That she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone and that we had out shot.

 

2 days after this (2.5 months after the breakup), she found out that I was sleeping / dating someone new (nothing serious) and freaked out. Said that this sealed the deal, that I am a liar - how could I possible say I love her and sleep with someone else (dating other people was her idea). She then said that she felt betrayed that I can move on so quickly and she is taking time to heal and I am now in a "serious relationship" (which is so far from it when I want since I wanted to be with her). She then texted me 2 days after this if we could have a serious conversation - I agreed, but she came back saying she didn’t need to and there was no point and nothing I could say would make her not feel hurt, but maybe I could email her and she might listen to how I feel. I just left it with maybe it’s not the best time for us to talk, and when things have calmed down we could have a discussion. After this, she literally blocked me on all forms of communication. About 2 months after she told me she missed me / 4 months post breakup) (present), she became extremely indifferent, almost professional-like when speaking to me. I find out from a friend she is dating someone else and he is "making her really happy" and they are in a new relation / BF/GF. After trying to meet up with her for a drink, she tells me to "move and and that I need to stop clinging to us and she doesnt want to confuse me." Her friend came into town last week (who I am a good friend with) and said that she has changed - is extremely prissy, stuck up, needs everyone to pay attention to her and that she is not the same person that we both know before we moved. She also said that spending time with her she realized she is extremely selfish - kind of sucks that she has turned int othis person. I sent her an email about 2 week ago (like 5 pages) basically saying everythign I wanted, everything Im improving on, and everything I wish I done. No response. She imed me the other day (4.5months post breakup) basically saying that she wants no relationship with me as friends or otherwise. After that I told her that I didn’t want it either because she is a selfish person that literally only cares about herself. Told her not to call, email or write me and I will not do the same.

[walkingonair]

Hi walingonair - LS wont let me send Private messages - can we chat through email?

 

Here is the long version of our relationship / the breakup - any advice is so greatly appreciated!

 

My ex girlfriend and I were dating for 6 years, talks about marriage, kids, etc - we moved out to Denver to be closer to her family and I became extremely resentful because we never had a discussion about it. She basically said fi you want to be with you'll move because I am moving regardless. We broke up 2 other times in the last 2 years, but always came back to one another. I really wanted to change (be more present, make bigger sacrifices, stop being so prideful) and would tell her this.

 

After being broken up for a month, we get drinks - have sex - then she comes back and says that we need more time and space - and we cant just jump back into old habits. I dont talk to her for 9 days - she comes back and ask if we can grab a drink. Her friend tells me she isnt dating anyone - but wants to experience things outside the relationship since she gave me so many chances and here we are again.

 

We finally schedule to meet, she invites me over, then the next day tells me its a bad idea because she misses me as a person from her life and we are not getting back together. Tells me she is dating other people and doesnt want to rehash things. We finally do meet up, joke, laugh, hang out, and she starts asking me questions about the girls im dating and that we can be friends. I tell her we both need to date to get some perspective, but i eventually want to know if we can find other people of if were meant to be and then we can reconnect. she agrees. it ended with her telling me later by text that she had a great time and thinks its best for us and will make us both happy to continue doing what we are doing - that she excited for this next chapter.

 

After this (1 month post breakup) she checked in with me ever 4 /5 days when I was doing no contact. She has said everything from I miss you, that break ups are awful, to texting me for drunken hook ups, just calling to check in, etc. When I gave in and talked, she totally reverted and became cold and mean. When I say we needed to not talk, she gots extremely angry and freaked out about old arguments.

 

It came to a head (2 months after breakup) when I asked her to drinks and she was all for it, until the day came when we were supposed to get drinks (2 days after asking her). She said it wasn’t the best idea since we aren’t going to be together, that our ship has sailed and she has no idea what signals I got that we aren’t broken up. That she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone and that we had out shot.

 

2 days after this (2.5 months after the breakup), she found out that I was sleeping / dating someone new (nothing serious) and freaked out. Said that this sealed the deal, that I am a liar - how could I possible say I love her and sleep with someone else (dating other people was her idea). She then said that she felt betrayed that I can move on so quickly and she is taking time to heal and I am now in a "serious relationship" (which is so far from it when I want since I wanted to be with her). She then texted me 2 days after this if we could have a serious conversation - I agreed, but she came back saying she didn’t need to and there was no point and nothing I could say would make her not feel hurt, but maybe I could email her and she might listen to how I feel. I just left it with maybe it’s not the best time for us to talk, and when things have calmed down we could have a discussion. After this, she literally blocked me on all forms of communication. About 2 months after she told me she missed me / 4 months post breakup) (present), she became extremely indifferent, almost professional-like when speaking to me. I find out from a friend she is dating someone else and he is "making her really happy" and they are in a new relation / BF/GF. After trying to meet up with her for a drink, she tells me to "move and and that I need to stop clinging to us and she doesnt want to confuse me." Her friend came into town last week (who I am a good friend with) and said that she has changed - is extremely prissy, stuck up, needs everyone to pay attention to her and that she is not the same person that we both know before we moved. She also said that spending time with her she realized she is extremely selfish - kind of sucks that she has turned int othis person. I sent her an email about 2 week ago (like 5 pages) basically saying everythign I wanted, everything Im improving on, and everything I wish I done. No response. She imed me the other day (4.5months post breakup) basically saying that she wants no relationship with me as friends or otherwise. After that I told her that I didn’t want it either because she is a selfish person that literally only cares about herself. Told her not to call, email or write me and I will not do the same.

 

Sounds like a relationship i was in,only a guy was doing this to me.What's your email?and do you have gchat?

[mattsdv1986]

Sounds like a relationship i was in,only a guy was doing this to me.What's your email?and do you have gchat?

 

I do have both - [email protected]

[lala2001]

I am in the same situation... Broke up with ex of 6 years on July 29th - she said she now has a new person in her life she would like to explore possibly somehting more with... I am shattered beyond words - she says she wants to be friends but I just cant. I feel like a walking zombie. I thought she loved me and I am shocked that she could move on from me like that.... im am so so sad