babsr Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 As many of you may remember from previous threads, my boyfriend is in Australia and I am in New York. Since the last time I have written here, my boyfriend said that after his contract ends (which should be in September) he is going to come back to be with me before figuring out the next step The only problem is this is about a year away. For this summer I was offered my dream job. But instead of accepting it, I am considering turning it down (which would be an awful career move..) to move to Australia for the summer and get a random job to try out living with him for 4 months. I am really torn. I do need the money, but I would probably be okay with taking a lower paying job in Australia. When I think about it, if I pick the job, I will enjoy my work, but I'll be miserable with missing him. But if I pick him, I don't want to be disappointed in myself for giving up this great opportunity that I have earned through my hard work. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?
foreverastone Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I'm in almost the same situation as you, it depends on a couple of things, How old you guys are? How long were you guys together before you went long distance? Would it be difficult for you to get another job in your industry? If you do choose your boyfriend over your career, the next time you guys have an argument would you regret your decision? For me, I'm British and my bf is also Australian and I met him in Australia and we've going out for 10 months (in person). Finding a career job in a foreign country is really really hard unless you have a couple of years experience. i studied in Aus and it's taken me 10 months to find my first career job here. I've also just been offered my dream job which is 2hrs by flight away from my bf but it's still in the same state. For me this is my ideal job and it will advance my career considerably that finding my next job would be a piece of cake. My problem is that my bf is unsure whether he wants to get into a LDR because he's never done it before and so he's anxious and nervous as to how he will react and he's uncertain as to whether he wants to find that out about himself. He's also concerned that he can't be a good bf in a LDR because if I'm upset he won't be able to comfort me through a screen and would feel powerless. In addition he feels that we haven't been going out for long enough to make it work
Frank2thepoint Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I recommend taking the dream job. You don't get such opportunities for a career that often. I'm assuming this job would also have pretty good financial benefits, therefore you will be financially comfortable and able to visit your boyfriend more often. I would advise to place more importance on financial independence than spending an extended period of time with your boyfriend. 3
CarrieT Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 In my 20s, I picked a guy over a career job. The guy didn't work out and my career trajectory was never the same... In one's 20s, I would *always* recommend the job until such a time that the relationship really is tantamount; i.e., marriage is on the table. 1
writergal Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Both the dream job and dream guy are rare finds and hard to come by. And when both present themselves at the same time, well that decision shouldn't be based on the short-term outcome, but should be based on long-term outcome. Since your boyfriend's work is contract based, that must mean he works in the IT industry? If so, he can literally work anywhere. I have several IT friends who are single and take on 6 month to 2 year IT contracts with companies that allow them to travel all over the world. Since this is your dream job, here's what I recommend: discuss this with your boyfriend. Discuss it so that he feels included in your decision. Emphasize the fact that dream jobs like this come along once in a lifetime, and ask him to support you. Also, ask him to join you wherever this dream job is located. If his work allows him the freedom to travel, then it shouldn't be a problem for your boyfriend to support you and move to be with you. As long as you include him in this discussion, then he won't resent you, if you had made the decision without him. Obviously, financial independence is importance but love is too. You can have both at the same time, if you take the right steps. You can still have your relationship and your dream job, if you include him in your decision, ask him for his input in what he is willing to do as far as his type of work and the flexibility he's allotted, and hopefully he will agree to join you. But if he forces you to choose between him and the dream job: well he's the wrong guy for you and you choose the dream job and dump him.
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Always pick the job. It will give you a foundation on which you can build a future with the guy. The guy is temporary at this point. A lot can happen in a year.
Author babsr Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 I think I am leaning more towards picking him...but I am also worried because we would be living together after not being in the same part of the world for almost 9 months. I do not want to rush into it and then it have been the wrong choice. But I am also scared if I move there for 4 months I won't be able to find a job. He is a little more flexible in his job and that is why is coming back to New York in September. But he is probably going to go back to school the year after that, and I don't think the program he is looking into is close to New York. It is a super specific speciality and only a few schools in the world offer it.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 The guy will wait. The job won't. Don't be a fool for love. 4
TMichaels Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 But he is probably going to go back to school the year after that, and I don't think the program he is looking into is close to New York. If you don't know the answers to these questions about *his* plans, then the last thing you should do is jeopardizing your own future and career. As others have advised, the boy can wait. The job won't. Get your head out of the clouds babsr, and use it. Best, TMichaels
Hobbes' wagon Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 As someone who picked the girl over the job, only to have her cheat on me and leave me for the guy, I'd say go for the job. Especially since this is a LTR and you have no idea how it'd work in real-life, seeing each other every day, living together etc. Is he willing to move to the city where your dream job would be? If he's not willing to follow you to where your dream job would be because he can't go to school there, he is in effect choosing his career/job over you, so he's not worth giving up a dream job. And if he is willing to follow you where your dream job would be, then there is no problem, you take the dream job and have him move there as well. What do you think about what we've written thus far? Best wishes
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 The job. Never drop everything for a guy. Plus, if he truly is a dream guy you will end up together regardless. 2
MissBee Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 (edited) In my 20s, I picked a guy over a career job. The guy didn't work out and my career trajectory was never the same... In one's 20s, I would *always* recommend the job until such a time that the relationship really is tantamount; i.e., marriage is on the table. I wholeheartedly agree. I'm in my 20s and frankly, unless we are already married or that's on the table, I won't make potentially life altering decisions about my career especially if I know it's a bad career move (as you've admitted) for a boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go. Not trying to be cynical, but I've been in love with men before who I'm no longer with and I'm glad I didn't make any life altering decisions based on my romantic feelings at the time. If we're already married I don't mind making certain compromise, and it would have to be a two-way street, where we both come to some decision that benefits both of us. Not where I'm significantly disadvantaged or he is. For me, I guess I don't understand how missing him for 4 months will be anything different from ordinary and why you can't just wait the year to be together? You're already long distance so it's not like in the summer that is a new thing, it will just be the same thing. It won't be a new form of missing. Personally, I'd take the summer job and visit if I have the time or have him visit me versus go live with him for 4 months and not take the job. Not to mention, going to live with someone in a different country when you've previously been LD and not even knowing if you'll have a job...it doesn't seem smart at all. You're putting yourself at a bigger disadvantage than he is frankly. He will be in the comfort of his own country with his job and familiar surroundings and you're going from a secure job to no job and living with him in a new country...and since you don't know about having a job, he'll probably be paying the bills if you can't get one. Will you move depending on if you get a job there or will you still move even if you don't get a job? Also, why are you the one considering it, esp since you say he is more flexible? I'm not saying he should be the one to do it necessarily, I just ask what's the logic behind you choosing it and if he couldn't choose it too, given what I said about compromise. It seems a lot of women are willing to move to be with a guy whereas men seem less likely to decide to do something like that (which I think is wise). Come to think of it, I can't think of one guy I know who moved jobs or moved from having a secure job to no job to be with a woman but I can name at least 6 women off the top of my head who moved to some place to be with a man, where it wasn't like they had a job offer or anything in his city, but just up and moved. It didn't work out for majority of them either. Edited October 29, 2014 by MissBee 1
Frank2thepoint Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 I think I am leaning more towards picking him... But I am also scared if I move there for 4 months I won't be able to find a job. Your fear of not being able support yourself should be greater than your fear of not being with him. I'm sure your boyfriend will understand and will work with you on this. 1
writergal Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Your fear of not being able support yourself should be greater than your fear of not being with him. I'm sure your boyfriend will understand and will work with you on this. To add to that OP, there's no harm to include your boyfriend in your plans so that he doesn't feel like you're just going to dump him now that your dream job came along. Sometimes people's advice here is unrealistically black and white. Sorry, but life is full of different shades of grey (more than 50...at least! ha, ha). I think it's callous to suggest to the OP to dump her boyfriend without first discussing the situation with him, without considering all the facts of their relationship. After all, people aren't as disposable as jobs, especially when you work hard to find that person, and then try to maintain and keep them in your life especially when they are long distance. That's my personal opinion at least. If I was put in this situation, I'd try to have both and hope for the best. I definitely would not throw out the boyfriend just because of the long distance between us if a great job came along for either him or myself. If I knew he was "the one," and he agreed that he was willing to make compromises with me (or vice versa), so that we both could have what we wanted, then I would go for the dream job and dream guy. Why not try for both? It's not impossible. People have done it before. I had a friend who was separated from her boyfriend for 3 years while she finished grad school, but they made it work and now they are married with a baby on the way. The compromise they made was that after grad school if she found a teaching job in my city, he'd move to be with her but if not, she'd move out to his city. Well, she tried to find a teaching job for 6 months after graduation to no avail, so she moved across the country to be with her boyfriend. Shortly after that, he whisked her off to Switzerland where he proposed, she accepted, and now they live on the West Coast in a cute house with a baby on the way where he works full time and she works as an elementary school teacher. So it worked out. They both took risks but they knew they wanted to be together so they made it work. Don't dump the boyfriend just because of this job opportunity. Make it work if he agrees to make compromises too. Talk to your boyfriend about the fact that this job is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Ask him for his input, and be clear with him what you want and what you're willing/not willing to do to keep him in your life (as he is for you). You can have the dream job and the boyfriend but compromises will need to be made by you both.
Author babsr Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 Thank you for all of your comments - I really appreciate your input. So I made the decision that I'd rather chance it with my career and figure stuff out with my boyfriend. When I was telling him all this, he said he would never let me make that kind of sacrifice for him. And that I should take the job, and we will figure it out. He even said it could be possible that he would come back from Australia earlier to be with me! So while we don't have anything figured out, it seems like we are getting on the same page with closing the gap sooner rather than later, while both making smaller sacrifices instead of me making a huge one. In response to someone else point - we had been in the same place dating for a year before he left for Australia in August. 1
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 That's good news babsr! I hope it works out for you and your boyfriend and congratulations on choosing your dream job. I think your boyfriend's support of you taking your dream job, and him making the sacrifice to be with you earlier than he expects is a good sign for things to come for you both. 1
Diezel Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 Sometimes you get to pick both, as the thread evidences. But always, always, always... dream job.
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