CoolKids Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Hi guys, I'm new here. I'll need some insight. I've been with this girl for 3 years. I'm 23, she's 25. We met in college as I was majoring in business and she in communicative science(liberal arts aren't easy at all) Earlier this year we were talking about moving in together, marriage, and the like. A few months ago she started acting distant. She didn't call as much, she rarely spoke to me, and all of our talks were initiated by me. I asked if there was something wrong, she denied it. At the time she made some new friends at her first job. She started hanging out with them more and less with me. One of those was a guy who asked her out constantly, despite me being there. He was a track runner. That's all i'll see. Well one day, 5 days before we were supposed to go out on a little trip, she goes out and doesn't get back till really late. I asked her where she's been and said she was at a track meet with the guy friend of her. (For 5 straight hours) We get into an argument, and 5 days later, she says she needs space. I refuse to give it to her, and ask her why she needs space. She tells me that she doesn't feel like a girlfriend anymore, that she wants to focus on a career, and she wants to know what it's like to be without me for a while. I don't give her space, but I talk to her less. During the time, I thought that maybe making a clear commitment would help, so I ask her friends, some females, if it would be a good idea for me to pull out a ring and propose, we were dating for 3 years after all. One of her friends said "If you were smart, you'd walk away while you still have a chance." I didn't understand what that meant, so I asked her what was going on, she then unfriended me and never spoke. I was losing my trust, and when I accused her of having a thing with her co-worker, she called me a psycho boyfriend who didn't trust her. In one case, she even tried to convince me to go into a mental hospital and get myself checked in, because she said I needed help. One day, her mother, who is racist and already was against me, and I talked, and I asked her why I wasn't invited to their rafting trip if my gf's brother's gf was invited. She said that my own gf said I didn't want to go, which was a LIE. I went to tell my ex off, but before I could, she cried out that my antics broke up her brother and his gf(this was the actual reason) and then she said we had no future, and broke up with me. I was devastated. I asked her why she made the decision so suddenly, she said that she hasn't been happy in a long time, that she felt like I was abusing her, that I never accepted her family(HER MOM WAS RACIST AGAINST ME...why would I? I tried to work with them) 5 days later, I call up her phone, still devastated, to ask if she wanted her bracelet back. A guy answered. I asked who it was. It was her co-worker. He said that she was at his house in the shower.... My mouth dropped. I asked if they were dating. Said they've been together for 3 months, around the same time she called off the break. He then asked if I was the psycho ex boyfriend she always talked about she hated. I put her on the phone and asked why did she do this to me, after she promised she'd never betray me, and would be honest with her feelings. She said, angrily, "Things change, he's just good, now get away from me you crazy stalker!" I called her 3 more times, then gave up, and started falling apart in my room. For 3 straight days and nights, I didn't eat or drink a single thing...then she called me...crying her eyes out. She said she was sorry and had to keep up appearances. She said that I was never there for her and never understood her, and he was there for me. I asked her why she lied. She said that she kept dropping hints that she wanted to break up, but I never took the bait. She said I should have already guessed it. I go NC on here for a week, and an old friend of mine asks me on a date. I go with her. My ex catches wind of it, and spams my Skype, saying "Why are you going to all of these places we were supposed to go? THAT'S NO FAIR! She shouldn't have it! It was supposed to be our thing!" Two days later, she talks to me and says she wants me back. I tell him I'm supposed to go see the girl I was seeing, she begs me not to go and then says she wants me back. I tell her that if she wants me back, to get rid of her boyfriend. She keeps on making excuses not to, and I start walking, then she finally agreed. So, my stupid self ends up canceling on the poor girl, telling her the truth, that I'm not over my ex. Hours after I made the agreement, my ex goes cold and says she changes her mind. It hurts so bad. I feel like absolute crap and I don't know what happened. What went wrong?
ThorntonMelon Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 What went wrong is that right now you are not in your right mind, like many/most of us were when the craziness of our relationships took over. Your comment about refusing to give her space (several times) speaks volumes about your approach to the situation. She asks for space, you decide this means you should propose. She breaks up you call her. She calls you a stalker, you call her several times. Then a week later you're dating someone else. Who you actually did the humane thing with and let her down before she got embroiled in your craziness. So here's my advice. Give yourself a month off from all this madness. Try and find a therapist and start talking out your issues from the relationships. In a month, re-evaluate. Try to go 90 days without re-engaging any conversation with your ex. At that point you will likely see a lot of this far more clearly and hopefully will be able to make more rational decisions. We've all been here - the sooner you can realize how this crazy-making situation has, well, made you crazy, the faster you can recover and try and seek out stability in your life.
Chi townD Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 What went wrong is that she's a coward. She cheated on you, and she wanted her family to get off her back about the kind of guy she should date. They probably accepted track dude with open arms, thus taking pressure off of her. She even admitted that it was for "appearances". To be honest with you, you need to heal and move on. You should NOT be dating anyone right now until you've finally moved on because what you did to that other girl was not cool. She didn't deserve to get dropped like that. So, by you dating before you're truly heal, it isn't being fair to you or the girl you would be dating. Go NC, heal and move on.
Author CoolKids Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 This whole thing is a mess. I spent 3 years with her, and she gets rid of me just like that. While my head is telling me "Get away!" My heart just won't let go. I can't make heads or tails of what happened. I remember when I asked her why she lied, she said things between her and him "Just happened." Maybe I'm crazy, but things don't "just happen" in relationships.
LifeNomad Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 were all hurting bro, try to go NC, take it day by day, and then week by week, and month by month... and remember, if its meant to be its meant to be, whatever she is doing, its not her choice to be with you, shes choosing not to be with you because she is happier that way, so that in itself should make you happy. You are right, things just don't happen, she got attracted to the other guy, maybe it will fade maybe it wont, use your free time now for yourself, the best thing honestly is exercise, work on looking better, dressing better, don't tell her or anyone anything either, people will figure it out on their own.
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