CoolBurn Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 My boyfriend and I got in a fight. Word got around that he was 'talking' or 'flirting' with another girl and as much as I try to avoid things like this controlling my relationship, I did very calmly and straightforwardly ask him what was happening. As he works in journalism his interaction with people is unavoidable and I know quite a few women who are easily flattered. He explained what had happened and we got it over with. Later on, I confronted him about the one-sidedness of our relationship. On numerous times he's expressed his concern and loathing of the situation (if it may come) that someone might start spreading gossip about me and so to prevent this, apparently all my actions have to be well-calculated and my interactions with guys limited (as in my childhood friends can't even give me rides home). If it had happened to me, and someone had gossiped about me, I would be put through a lot of trouble from him and he said it's not true. So I brought up the case with the car rides and he lost his ****, the argument got really ugly and we ended up not talking to each other, which is still going on. What I hate is the fact that he's being awfully one-sided and won't even listen to what I have to say. I don't live my life for anyone but myself, but he's way too concerned with what people will say. And just to clarify, ours is not an issue of trust but rather an obsession with what people will say about our actions in this relationship, and apparently his get justified way more easily than mine. How do I get my freedom back and get him to stop concerning himself with words of mouth without it turning into a full-blown war once again?
Toodaloo Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 For goodness sake... What is good for the goose is clearly not appropriate for the gander in his eyes. One sidedness and control like this in a relationship is a serious RED FLAG. That means JUMP SHIP. You get your freedom back by taking it back. Time to say good bye to him before he makes you say goodbye to all your friends, family... If he is not talking to you now. Keep it that way. Pick up your stuff drop off the key etc and walk away... actually never mind walking RUN as fast as you can. I am shuddering thinking about this. Get out NOW. It will only get worse with time. It is not healthy to be like this. 1
Chemist Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 For goodness sake... What is good for the goose is clearly not appropriate for the gander in his eyes. One sidedness and control like this in a relationship is a serious RED FLAG. That means JUMP SHIP. You get your freedom back by taking it back. Time to say good bye to him before he makes you say goodbye to all your friends, family... If he is not talking to you now. Keep it that way. Pick up your stuff drop off the key etc and walk away... actually never mind walking RUN as fast as you can. I am shuddering thinking about this. Get out NOW. It will only get worse with time. It is not healthy to be like this. I think you might be over reacting a little bit. It doesn't sound like he is trying to isolate and control like abusive partner. It sounds more like he is a little bit selfish is all. He feels like he can make good judgement calls for his reputation but doesn't trust you to do so. Just tell him you won't live like that, and do what you want. You need to be strong and tell him if he can't handle that side of you, then he can leave. You don't need to run, you need to stand your ground. I feel like LS is full of people with huge trust issues that will use any excuse to jump ships and give advice from a cold perspective.
Author CoolBurn Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 I think you might be over reacting a little bit. It doesn't sound like he is trying to isolate and control like abusive partner. It sounds more like he is a little bit selfish is all. He feels like he can make good judgement calls for his reputation but doesn't trust you to do so. Just tell him you won't live like that, and do what you want. You need to be strong and tell him if he can't handle that side of you, then he can leave. You don't need to run, you need to stand your ground. I feel like LS is full of people with huge trust issues that will use any excuse to jump ships and give advice from a cold perspective. Thank you, I completely agree. I'm not gonna leave him over this, I just need to get him to reason with me. He never said I CAN'T do this or that, he just says he wouldn't like it if I did. He's not a control freak just a bit stubborn that's all. I just need to find a way to calmly change his mind because fighting is getting me nowhere.
Toodaloo Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Your not allowed to get in a car with one of your old friends because they are male and yet he is flirting with women? Chemist - I have "accepted" this sort of behavior in the past and it only got worse. It started as "I don't like it" and making me feel guilty or insecure then moved to far worse... I now only have 2 people in my life that I can really honestly call "friends" because I was isolated from all the others. I ended up in a much worse place than if I had recognized warning signs and walked away. This mans behavior suggests that he is more worried about appearances than making the relationship healthy. He is consistently encouraging the OP to put in the effort with out making much effort himself. In a normal, healthy relationship both problems, the flirting with other women and the lift from a friend here would have been laughed off or a complete non issue. There is no point fighting at all. That was my point.
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