Stupid Girl Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I wrote a thread ~8 months ago about my boyfriend's somewhat shady contact with his ex, where he refused to mention my existence to her out of fear of hurting her, since she hadn't fully moved on. A lot has happened since then, and for a while it wasn't a problem, but just recently she's come back, and I need you wonderful people's advice about it again. Now when I say she went away, I mean she disappeared, stopped contacting my bf for about 6 months (I think this was because she saw our interactions on fb and became intimidated by our relationship, but who really knows). Then around the end of the summer, my bf and I started having problems, and got to the point where we thought we were going to break up (but we didn't). He mentioned, in an offhanded manner, he'd spoken to her about our almost-breakup. This really caught me off guard, because as far as I knew, they hadn't spoken in a long time, and last time they had spoken he wasn't even allowed to mention my name to her? But now suddenly he's talking discussing with her the most private details of our relationship, our near breakup? I feel so uneasy about this. I want to ask him if he'd let me see the conversation (it happened over fb) 1) just to see how he processed the whole situation, and 2) to see what he said to her, after 6 months of not talking, it just seems so odd, so shady that he'd suddenly be telling her about my private life. It also really bothers me that this is the first time he's actually acknowledged my existence to her, to discuss whether or not we break up. Honestly, part of me is wondering if they discussed the future of THEIR relationship, and that didn't end up working out, so he decided to make it work with me? If that's the case, I don't think I want to be with him anymore. My question is, is it out of line for me to ask to read the conversation, to see if there is anything shady going on? I really love him and want desperately for this to work, but I don't want to make a fool of myself either.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 There's no point reading their conversation to see if there's something shady going on. It already is shady and has been for the whole relationship. He's already lied to you, he'd been hiding you from his ex-girlfriend and prioritizing her feelings over yours. Sorry, but he's not into you the way you are into him. He's keeping her around for a reason. I don't see how reading their conversation is going to help this situation - you've already got a boyfriend who's not fully committed and not transparent. Incredible you've tolerated it for so long. In my books, that's a dealbreaker. 2
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 A few things..... Who contacted who after 6 months? How would it serve your boyfriend to report to you that he's mentioned to his ex you 2 thought of breaking up? How are you so sure they did not contact for 6 months. I think your boyfriend is trying to scare you into something by telling you this. He knows you view her as a threat. I find it very fishy that he'd tell you this. Also, when you're thinking of looking up your boyfriend's conversation, it's because the relationship is over already. No trust - no relationship.
Author Stupid Girl Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 Expat: I didn't want to go into too much detail about what went on 8 months ago since the thread is there, but I do need to clarify that he never lied. He never acknowledged my existence to his ex, but she obviously knew I existed because they are fb friends and he's quite active on there, posts plenty of pictures of us together, makes little comments about us being together, etc - it's just in their personal interactions he would avoid mentioning me in order to spare her feelings. I know it's still not ok (obviously, that's why I made the thread 8 months ago), but I want to be clear he never actually lied. He definitely prioritized her feelings over mine, however. Gaeta: I have no idea who contacted who first this most recent time, he gave me very little information, just basically what I wrote here. That's something I'd like to know as well, it seems so much worse if it was him. However, the fact that he did tell me, and acted like it was nothing, makes me think maybe it was innocent (or as innocent as it could be, considering te circumstances). I'm sure the hadn't talked in 6 moths because he told me know and despite all this, I know he would never lie outright. Your second last paragraph is very intriguing though - what does it seem like he's trying to scare me into?
Fondue Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 If you read his conversations, then mention to him that you did. Regardless of whether or not you find anything "bad." It is the right thing to do. As you'd be violating his trust. Include him in on this, as it is only fair. So he can too, make a decision about you. EDIT: For clarification.
Author Stupid Girl Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 I'm not sure if you misread but I don't plan on going behind his back, I would only read it with his permission, but my question is whether it is fair/right to ask for that permission in the first place.
Fondue Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I'm not sure if you misread but I don't plan on going behind his back, I would only read it with his permission, but my question is whether it is fair/right to ask for that permission in the first place. My bad. You're right. I didn't see that. Disregard my previous post then . I dunno then, actually. How is your relationship now?? If your relationship is fine, do you need the conversations? He might show them to you because you asked and to satisfy your curiosity/insecurity, but then he might be jaded and resentful of your distrust. It's kind of a double edged sword, you know? 1
heartshaped Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Do you realize it's possible he's deleted the conversation or even if not the conversation certain messages from it? I agree with Gaeta, you don't trust this guy, and if you don't trust him the relationship is not going to get any better. I think this ex is always going to be a problem with him. He doesn't seem to know how to set proper boundaries and prioritizes the feelings of other women, in this case his ex, over the woman he's supposed to be committed to. I also went back and read your thread from eight months ago. So basically the situation was they broke up, but continued to sleep together pretty much until she moved to another country. Then he met you and right off the bat wanted to know if you'd be okay with them continuing being friends...but won't mention you to her like a friend...but now is discussing your near break up? 1
Gloria25 Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I don't get it.... Do they have a kid together? Do they work together? Do they have mutual friends? "What" is the point of the contact between the two? If she has problems moving on, then he needs to recommend a good counselor...that's what you do for people you care about, you get them help. 2
Author Stupid Girl Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 Thank you for the thoughtful replies everyone, this has sure got me thinking about things. Fondue: other than this issue, our relationship is really good. This is definitely my #1 concern and the only thing I can think of that would make me consider ending things. I guess I don't NEED to see the conversation, but in light of everything that's gone on, and that fact that he showed me a previous conversation he had with her, this would make me feel so much better about everything - assuming the conversation is harmless, I dare say the ex may no longer be an issue for me, which is obviously my goal at this point. Heart: I honestly don't think he would have deleted the conversation, because then why would he have told me about it in the first place? (Of course if he did, that would b a major red flag.) but my fear is what you said, that this will always be an issue with him, because if so I don't think I can stay in good conscience. Gloria: I don't get it either. They don't have anything holding them together, no job/friends/kids, they don't even live in the same country anymore! I don't really see any reason why they should be keeping in touch anymore (at least until she is able to fully move on from him and they can perhaps start an actual, healthy friendship), but at the same time I know I can't police his relationships. I've given him my opinion on the matter but left it at that.
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