Gaeta Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 About an hour ago when I saw him online. That's what prompted it. Me: I have enjoyed the time we've spent together but I don't think our lifestyle's fit. I'd like to keep looking for someone who fits better. Good luck to you! Him: Ok, I enjoyed being with you no regrets! Me: I think its best that we not remain in contact. Him:Ok it's funny I was on line trying to cancel match oh well Me:Now that's funny Him:I'm still canceling Me: Good bye Wow! Talk about a nonchalant man !!! It's like he does not give a heck about you ending it !! He was NOT online trying to delete match. He got caught browsing. Your instinct was telling you something was off, and I believe you were right. If he considered one month was too early to get exclusive then he had to speak up and ask for another month. He told you what you wanted to hear to get you to play along. It does not matter that one month is too early for exclusivity. They both agreed to it, it's an agreement between 2 people. If you're not ready you don't make it, if you make it then get with the program !! 2
Fondue Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I see you already dumped him, but to answer your original question, I think your expectations were way out of line for a one month old relationship. I have to agree with you completely on this one. While I respect the OPs decision to remove herself from this man, I think she was expecting too much, too soon. After one month, this courtship is still very, very new. Wow! Talk about a nonchalant man !!! It's like he does not give a heck about you ending it !! He was NOT online trying to delete match. He got caught browsing. Your instinct was telling you something was off, and I believe you were right. If he considered one month was too early to get exclusive then he had to speak up and ask for another month. He told you what you wanted to hear to get you to play along. It does not matter that one month is too early for exclusivity. They both agreed to it, it's an agreement between 2 people. If you're not ready you don't make it, if you make it then get with the program !! He MIGHT have been on to get rid of his account, or he might have been browsing. We never know. Her original post states he hasn't been online in a week. Now he went on. Maybe he did want to cancel his sub? Also, why would SHE be online? Doesn't taht too, look suspicious? It could be interpreted to him that she too, was still browsing. I sure would. As far as him being non-chalant. What did you expect him to do? The "relationship" (can you even call it that?) was brand new. He hasn't had time to invest yet.
Omei Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 (edited) I have to agree with you completely on this one. While I respect the OPs decision to remove herself from this man, I think she was expecting too much, too soon. After one month, this courtship is still very, very new. He MIGHT have been on to get rid of his account, or he might have been browsing. We never know. Her original post states he hasn't been online in a week. Now he went on. Maybe he did want to cancel his sub? Also, why would SHE be online? Doesn't taht too, look suspicious? It could be interpreted to him that she too, was still browsing. I sure would. As far as him being non-chalant. What did you expect him to do? The "relationship" (can you even call it that?) was brand new. He hasn't had time to invest yet. By how she expected the whole package to fall into place in a months time...friends, time together (ps twice a week for the first month was really good actually that he freed up his weeks that often for OP in the start) etc I suspect since she knows he hasn't been on in a week and she found him to break up with him that she was regularly checking aka stalk, OP I would say you have some problems here with your actions you seem a tad obsessive in how a relationship should blossom very needy and quick to act without any communication I mean you just dumped the guy for nothing really he cant read your mind. And 1 month yeah I too would not introduce my friends or family to a 1 month relationship its not serious enough to involve the world and everyone in it yet. He took the breakup well because its only been a month its like saying goodbye to an acquaintance you'll never see again feelings didnt even have time to build here. Edited October 28, 2014 by Omei
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Exclusive does not mean relationship...but the guy wasn't that into you anyway, but at least learn the differences in the labels. You just seem like another crazy woman trying to lock down a relationship with a guy you hardly know....just because you've had lots of sex and see each other often. But this is just passive aggressive behavior to make a point...I'm sure you'll talk to him again and this isn't over...it's nothing new in the way you are handling this, this how many women communicate and get a reaction from a guy so he can prove that he "cares"'
IronZ Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Twice a week isn't enough attention for you? He has his own life. Don't be the insecure chick who smothers a guy. You can always ask him about who he spends time with and make sure you two are exclusive.
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 As far as him being non-chalant. What did you expect him to do? The "relationship" (can you even call it that?) was brand new. He hasn't had time to invest yet. They had 15 + dates in a month, a trip together, multiple sleep overs and he did not have time to invest himself? She did not have those multiple dates on her own, or that sex by herself. He wanted to meet her friends she did not break his arm into it. If he was not investing himself then why was he playing like he was? Like she said earlier, he was playing committed up front but was not in the background.
Emilia Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I don't know. Seemed full on for something that was only a month old. I'm not a fan of spending weekends together with someone I barely know, what about the rest of your life OP? The way it ended sounded aggressive and completely unnecessary. I don't know how you can be so invested only after a month. 1
Author beautifulinside2 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 (edited) I don't know. Seemed full on for something that was only a month old. I'm not a fan of spending weekends together with someone I barely know, what about the rest of your life OP? The way it ended sounded aggressive and completely unnecessary. I don't know how you can be so invested only after a month. I don't know if I was so invested. We had a great time together and he was reliable, but I believe he was browsing for other women to date and I didn't want to be that "meantime" woman. The one he dates until he finds the one he is looking for. I see it all the time with my best friend. My best friend has a woman he has been seeing for two years and they meet up every Friday night. In the meantime he has been on Match for two years hooking up with other women. When you say you are not dating other people you remove/hide your profiles, but he didn't remove his which is why I left mine up as well. Oh and he said he was still canceling his profile, but yet it's still up and active. (yes I stalked it) hmm since when is noticing a persons profile being up stalking? That's like saying I know you said we were supposed to be exclusive but I'm going to pretend like I don't see you online. Anyway, I think it's sad that sex can just be considered sex. In my world sex means commitment and responsibility for another persons feelings. I conveyed this to him prior to engaging. He agreed. Exclusivity allows you to get to know each other without other people being a distraction. I know that I'm not crazy, I'm just not willing to keep having sex and investing anymore of my time into something that's not progressing. Its like saying here have all the sex you want, and let me throw in my time and resources as a bonus, feel free to use me until you get tired of me and want to trade up. (sarcasm of course) This is what OLD provides men the opportunity to use women without any responsibility or consequences and now we are conditioned to believe that it ok. smh Edited October 28, 2014 by beautifulinside2 2
heartshaped Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Thanks for your response, but I did it because I've seen people take their profile down after 3 days and much less invested than I have. It's not all about him, I didn't like the way things were headed and didn't want to invest anymore time while we acted like we had been together for months. It's like a win win for him. He gets to pretend like we have been together long sex, trips, meeting my friends, and then conveniently use the same we only been together a month to say why I have met none of his or included in his activities. Nope For the future, all this says to me is, you failed to set boundaries and pacing. You were unhappy that he was getting the best of both worlds, but you were the one allowing him to get the best of both worlds. At one month, you were trying to/willing to/allowing him to move very fast. Also, you can't compare what other people do to your own relationship. I usually never take my online dating profiles down until I'm exclusive with the person and even then I might not do it the same day. It's just not that big of a deal to me because it's not like I have to respond to anyone who messages me. You had been exclusive with this guy for three days and act like he should've introduced you to his friends and taken down his dating profile already. I think that's a bit much. You say a month, but you weren't exclusive for a month. You were exclusive for three days. Of course this guy wasn't invested, it had only been three days. And a month of dating. 2
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 You were exclusive for three days. Of course this guy wasn't invested, it had only been three days. And a month of dating. Never mind one month. If I go on 15 DATES with a man, have him sleep over, YES I am investing myself. If after 15 DATES the gentleman I am seeing is not feeling an inclination to be exclusive to me he'll never feel it. People are stuck up on this one month! It's 15 dates and multiple sleep overs. You really would not be investing some of yourself with that much time spent together! 1
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 That's like saying I know you said we were supposed to be exclusive but I'm going to pretend like I don't see you online. Anyway, I think it's sad that sex can just be considered sex. In my world sex means commitment and responsibility for another persons feelings. I conveyed this to him prior to engaging. He agreed. Exclusivity allows you to get to know each other without other people being a distraction. I know that I'm not crazy, I'm just not willing to keep having sex and investing anymore of my time into something that's not progressing. Its like saying here have all the sex you want, and let me throw in my time and resources as a bonus, feel free to use me until you get tired of me and want to trade up. (sarcasm of course) This is what OLD provides men the opportunity to use women without any responsibility or consequences and now we are conditioned to believe that it ok. smh I am gonna pin that up on my fridge! 1
Emilia Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Never mind one month. If I go on 15 DATES with a man, have him sleep over, YES I am investing myself. If after 15 DATES the gentleman I am seeing is not feeling an inclination to be exclusive to me he'll never feel it. People are stuck up on this one month! It's 15 dates and multiple sleep overs. You really would not be investing some of yourself with that much time spent together! It's not 15 dates, it's sex 15 times. I count it as 4 weekends together from the context.
Author beautifulinside2 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 It's not 15 dates, it's sex 15 times. I count it as 4 weekends together from the context. We have actually had sex over 30 times several times in a day and more than 15 dates because some weeks we saw each other 4 days and dates were included. NEVER just sex EVER. We have been to several activities; 1. Festival 2. Movies and dinners (several), weekend trips (2), football game, play, basketball game, wine tasting. I've come to realize that maybe people expect too little from people they date
Emilia Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 We have actually had sex over 30 times several times in a day and more than 15 dates because some weeks we saw each other 4 days and dates were included. NEVER just sex EVER. We have been to several activities; 1. Festival 2. Movies and dinners (several), weekend trips (2), football game, play, basketball game, wine tasting. I've come to realize that maybe people expect too little from people they date You said "1. We have slept together what 15+ times on separate days, several dates, and trips together." Not judging you. Even if you had seen him every single day for that month it's still only a month. It takes years to get to know someone. I tend to know how much I like a guy after a couple of weeks but hold back emotionally as long as possible. Definitely don't spend days and days together until we have known each other for a while. You can't rush these things and to be honest, I think if you are involved so much from the start before the person gets to know you, it's more possible to for them or you to get bored. I don't know whether that's true, it just seems to make sense to me. When I like a guy and I feel it's mutual, we sometimes slow down a bit and re-group. That either works out or it doesn't but going in super keen and super fast, rarely does from what I have seen. 3
clia Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 We have actually had sex over 30 times several times in a day and more than 15 dates because some weeks we saw each other 4 days and dates were included. NEVER just sex EVER. We have been to several activities; 1. Festival 2. Movies and dinners (several), weekend trips (2), football game, play, basketball game, wine tasting. I've come to realize that maybe people expect too little from people they date I'm sorry, what was the problem with his actions again? You said that you were spending Friday and Saturday nights together, and listed above all of the time he has spent with you over the past four weeks. That's a lot for a four week relationship. A ton of time. So what was the problem again? That he also had a life outside of you with his friends? That he didn't drop everything once he met you? That he didn't immediately invite you to every extracurricular activity he had planned? It isn't the least bit strange that you hadn't met his friends yet and that he hadn't yet integrated you into all of his weekly activities after one month of dating. That would've all come with time. I think it's totally normal to wait to introduce a new person to friends/family. With my fiance, that started to happen around the 2-3 month mark. 2
Author beautifulinside2 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 I'm sorry, what was the problem with his actions again? You said that you were spending Friday and Saturday nights together, and listed above all of the time he has spent with you over the past four weeks. That's a lot for a four week relationship. A ton of time. So what was the problem again? That he also had a life outside of you with his friends? That he didn't drop everything once he met you? That he didn't immediately invite you to every extracurricular activity he had planned? It isn't the least bit strange that you hadn't met his friends yet and that he hadn't yet integrated you into all of his weekly activities after one month of dating. That would've all come with time. I think it's totally normal to wait to introduce a new person to friends/family. With my fiance, that started to happen around the 2-3 month mark. All of this would have been just fine had he hid or removed his profile when I brought it up a week ago. Not to mention he was recently active on it over the last couple of days. It's the profile remaining up that made me question, and even more after he left it up and didn't remove it. 1
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 (edited) All of this would have been just fine had he hid or removed his profile when I brought it up a week ago. Not to mention he was recently active on it over the last couple of days. It's the profile remaining up that made me question, and even more after he left it up and didn't remove it. But you said 1. yes he is still on the dating site but hasn't logged in since 1 week. And you never mentioned asking him to take it down previously... So you asked him to take it down last week? You went exclusive a few days ago? I'm confused. Edited October 28, 2014 by WhatIsLove2014
Author beautifulinside2 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 I wanted to post an update. He texted me and told me he took his profile down and he wanted us to move forward with a relationship. He took me to a Halloween party and I met his friends there, I also took him to a sport event with my daughter in attendance she is 19. We had a great time. I have decided to slow down a bit with my expectations, but I also need to make sure I am getting what I want out of the relationship. I like the idea of slowing down to regroup. Thanks for the advice. 1
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 I met someone a month ago, we have fun together, movies, dinners, trips, etc..and we decided to become exclusive. He spends a lot of time doing activities bowling league, soccer season tickets and football season tickets. He spends time with me two nights out of the week. I feel insecure, because I believe he is hanging with other women while doing these activities, but I can't prove it. Also, he hasn't invited me to any of the activities. I thought at first it was because I'm black and he is white and it's going to take time, but after he told me he joined yet another league on Monday nights. I realize I really don't want to be with someone who is always on the go. Is it just me or should I be happy with the time he spends with me and not worry about what he chooses to do with his time? I am thinking about calling it quits. You met him a month ago and think he owes you something?
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