12Chi Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 My situation is this: going to get my bachelors in two years. I have been with my boyfriend for ten years and have a house with him. In these ten years he has had to commute from one state to the state I live in every week. It’s very hard on him and its only getting harder. My children are growing up and in two years my oldest will be starting college and my youngest will be starting her sophomore year in high school. My boyfriend feels that it would only make sense that I leave this state to live with him. We can rent out our current home or sell it and get a new home in his state. My children will be older and will not need me as much as their dad still plays a big part in their lives. Is my leaving my kids wrong? I will still be able to see them on holidays but is leaving my kids for a man that I have dated for ten years wrong or not. FYI my children are fine with this but i want to do good for all.
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 My situation is this: going to get my bachelors in two years. I have been with my boyfriend for ten years and have a house with him. In these ten years he has had to commute from one state to the state I live in every week. It’s very hard on him and its only getting harder. My children are growing up and in two years my oldest will be starting college and my youngest will be starting her sophomore year in high school. My boyfriend feels that it would only make sense that I leave this state to live with him. We can rent out our current home or sell it and get a new home in his state. My children will be older and will not need me as much as their dad still plays a big part in their lives. Is my leaving my kids wrong? I will still be able to see them on holidays but is leaving my kids for a man that I have dated for ten years wrong or not. FYI my children are fine with this but i want to do good for all. Dads leave their kids and move away while maintaining a relationship all of the time, why can't Mothers? It really depends on the maturity of your kids and how strong your bond is. Personally once I went to university at 19 I probably saw my parents as often as I would have done living in a totally different part of the country; some kids are ready for independence at that age, some aren't. My worry is that you won't be able to emotionally go through with staying so far away from your kids. How many hours would it take to get back to them, if there was an emergency? That's important. Would your new house have rooms for them? I wouldn't recommend leaving them until they're of university/college age, i.e. 18, to be honest. Based purely on my experience of being a teenager. You still need your Mom or Dad, at that age. Do you think your kids would feel abandoned? What makes you think they're telling the truth about being fine with you going? It sounds like it's more your boyfriend that wants you to move, rather than you. I have to say, I think the majority of men would understand that a Mom still wants to be around her teenage kids until they are off to college. You can always make the move and then come back if it doesn't work, although you might have to be sacrificing your relationship. And personally I'd want the commitment of marriage before making such a massive life-changing move. Especially when it means leaving your kids. If they are as close to their Dad as you, then you leaving may have no real huge impact as long as they have him too. But I dunno, I wouldn't have wanted to be too far from my Mom even aged 18-21. Maybe if I'd have left the city I would have felt okay about it, as I made the choice, but if she'd have left for a partner, I might have felt abandoned. Only you can make this choice OP. I'm very interested to see what people chip in with here. I think it'll be polarising. Hand on heart, is a part of you looking for reassurance that it's okay to want to stay with your kids? 1
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 It's not a big deal. You are leaving them with their father, not a friend or just abandoning them. They are old enough and if you want to come back, they will be there.
preraph Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 My situation is this: going to get my bachelors in two years. I have been with my boyfriend for ten years and have a house with him. In these ten years he has had to commute from one state to the state I live in every week. It’s very hard on him and its only getting harder. My children are growing up and in two years my oldest will be starting college and my youngest will be starting her sophomore year in high school. My boyfriend feels that it would only make sense that I leave this state to live with him. We can rent out our current home or sell it and get a new home in his state. My children will be older and will not need me as much as their dad still plays a big part in their lives. Is my leaving my kids wrong? I will still be able to see them on holidays but is leaving my kids for a man that I have dated for ten years wrong or not. FYI my children are fine with this but i want to do good for all. One of these days when you're sophomore is a parent, she/he is going to look back and think "What mother could leave her children like that." I think it's too soon. I think you need to get that youngest one off to college, and that that is the traditional time to take your life back and into a new direction. 6
NJ123 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I personally think it's a bit too soon. If there going away to College I think it would be perfectly fine, but with them still being in High School, that just seems kinda odd to me. 1
Keenly Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 You'd be showing your kids that your boyfriend is more important than them. I guess commute is so bad that it warrants damaging at least one parent / child relationship? 8
d0nnivain Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 If it would require your daughter to change high schools, I would not do it. If she gets consistency & everything else is stable, if you want to move, then go ahead.
Author 12Chi Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 My children are very independent and they do have their dad and step mom who they get along with. I have no family of my own besides my children. I would definitely have spare rooms for them and they would not feel abandoned. It is a quick 2 hour flight from my state to his so its not too far away. I know my kids love me and would miss me but they would want their mom to be happy as well. As for the marriage I don’t think he would marry me, we have both been married in the past and he has always told me he would never do it again. I am fine either way but feel picking up my whole life and starting new is a big decision. At least I have two years to think about it.
littleblackheart Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 My situation is this: going to get my bachelors in two years. I have been with my boyfriend for ten years and have a house with him. In these ten years he has had to commute from one state to the state I live in every week. It’s very hard on him and its only getting harder. My children are growing up and in two years my oldest will be starting college and my youngest will be starting her sophomore year in high school. My boyfriend feels that it would only make sense that I leave this state to live with him. We can rent out our current home or sell it and get a new home in his state. My children will be older and will not need me as much as their dad still plays a big part in their lives. Is my leaving my kids wrong? I will still be able to see them on holidays but is leaving my kids for a man that I have dated for ten years wrong or not. FYI my children are fine with this but i want to do good for all. By the sounds of it, you are already worrying over something that may be on the cards in two years time. Does the final decision have to be taken now? If not, you still have a couple of years to mull it over, discuss it with your children's father and your partner, if this is making you feel guilty or uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live with your partner so long as this is your decision and that you are happy with it. 1
mercuryshadow Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Your daughter, as a high schooler, is at an especially vulnerable age and is going to need her mother's consistent presence in her life. 6
Standard-Fare Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Would it be possible to tolerate this situation (however not ideal) until your youngest graduates high school? One thought is that you could gradually transition yourself to moving to the new state with your boyfriend. Maybe you sell your current place and start renting something small for you and your younger daughter. And maybe YOU could be the one to do more driving to your boyfriend now, as opposed to vice versa. (Provided your ex-husband provides proper supervision of your daughter when you're gone.) I'd be concerned your youngest supports your move with the BF because she thinks it will open up all sorts of new freedoms for her. Like, she's no longer under mom's watch so she can get away with more stuff. That's the way my mind worked as a h.s. sophomore, anyway.
Author 12Chi Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 I guess commute is so bad that it warrants damaging at least one parent / child relationship? What do you mean by this sentence?
spanz1 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 for your boyfriend? nope. It will devestate your daughter half way thru high school. For your husband you just married...yeah In that case she will be moving into a family, not have the shame at the new high school of living in some strange guy's house that her mother is dating.... get married first. 1
veggirl Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 a two hour flight away? that is NOT a quick journey. I would be speechless if my mom was like "okay I'm moving, you stay here" when i was 15. wait til the youngest is in college, geeeeeesh. I was an independent kid too, not particularly close to my parents really, but STILL. and who gives a sh*t if "dads do it all the time"? that doesn't mean those dads are making a good choice either...
CarrieT Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I'm a new stepmom with a 13-year old and a 15-year old and my new husband has purposefully started canceling a lot of his extracurricular activities with his explanation that at this age, his kids really need him MORE now. I agree with the others and if my Mom abandoned me when I was 15, I would have felt a world of hurt and worthlessness. I think you should stick around for a few more years; until your kids are off to college. 3
Keenly Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I guess commute is so bad that it warrants damaging at least one parent / child relationship? What do you mean by this sentence? Is he driving through landmines or toxic waste? As a child who was physically abandoned by his father and emotionally abandoned by his mother, take my word for it. Your daughter will be affected. How much or how little, who can say. Your oldest can't deal with it, but at 14-15? Bad move. 1
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 You'd be showing your kids that your boyfriend is more important than them. I guess commute is so bad that it warrants damaging at least one parent / child relationship? Ugh you are right. Boyfriend...not husband, I didn't recognize that. I would feel like that if my mom did that to me.
lollipopspot Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I would definitely have spare rooms for them and they would not feel abandoned. It is a quick 2 hour flight from my state to his so its not too far away. Then let him make the "quick 2 hour flight" to see you, while you still have underage kids, if it's so easy. As a child who was physically abandoned by his father and emotionally abandoned by his mother, take my word for it. Your daughter will be affected. How much or how little, who can say. Your oldest can't deal with it, but at 14-15? Bad move. Agree. I lost my mother by that age, and I was very independent too. I managed, but I had a crappy mother, and OP you are on that road, absolutely. It's true that society has a double standard when it comes to mothers and fathers. But I think it's crappy if a father does it too.
Toodaloo Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 FYI my children are fine with this So your worry is actually how much you will miss them then??? As your youngest is still at school I would be inclined to wait a bit longer. They don't want to admit it but Mum is a very important person... more so at that age as they go through all the hormone stuff...
littleblackheart Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I may have read this completely wrong, but it seems to me the OP hasn't made her mind up yet (she's already struggling with the idea even though it's 2 years in the making) and is understandably torn at the idea that she may be putting her 10-year relationship at risk. It may be pretty cut & dry to an outsider, but a relationship that has lasted that long isn't nothing, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed by this decision - this isn't a crime, and it doesn't make her a bad mother for having these thoughts, just a normal human being. OP, this is a huge decision, you don't owe your partner to move away with him just because he's had to commute for 10 years (his choice), a 2-hour flight is costly and not quick (that's why your partner is tired of doing it), and you'd be missing a crucial part of your children's development - no 15-year old, however mature they seem to be, chooses to be independent at that age; if they are, that's because they've had to be. You know how your children are now, but you don't know what they'll be in 2-years' time, never mind in 3 years' time without their mother around. Anything can happen in the space of two years - their father's circumstances may change, you may need more time to complete your degree, etc... You're clearly already feeling guilty now - this is your gut instinct trying to tell you something... 1
Author 12Chi Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 Thanks to all for your feedback. So its two years since i posted this question and turns out i did end up staying and can advise my youngest has started high school and i will be waiting until she graduates to move anywhere and that's if i do. 8
stillafool Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 My situation is this: going to get my bachelors in two years. I have been with my boyfriend for ten years and have a house with him. In these ten years he has had to commute from one state to the state I live in every week. It’s very hard on him and its only getting harder. My children are growing up and in two years my oldest will be starting college and my youngest will be starting her sophomore year in high school. My boyfriend feels that it would only make sense that I leave this state to live with him. We can rent out our current home or sell it and get a new home in his state. My children will be older and will not need me as much as their dad still plays a big part in their lives. Is my leaving my kids wrong? I will still be able to see them on holidays but is leaving my kids for a man that I have dated for ten years wrong or not. FYI my children are fine with this but i want to do good for all. Only you can make this decision. Not a bunch of strangers on some forum.
xxoo Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Thanks to all for your feedback. So its two years since i posted this question and turns out i did end up staying and can advise my youngest has started high school and i will be waiting until she graduates to move anywhere and that's if i do. I'm really glad to read this update! You will not regret this decision, I'm certain. You'll never get these last years back with your daughter in your home. Cherish them! 2
ShatteredLady Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Thanks for updating! I think you made the right choice. My family left me at that age (16) & although I was very independent & I always said it was fine & I understood completely...deep down inside it did hurt. In my 20's I wished my parents were like my friends parents & still lived in the same area so I could meet up during the holidays but if parents considered that they'd never be able to move!! It would of made me happier if they stayed around until I finished my exams.
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 It really depends on the maturity of your kids. Even in university, I would have had a really hard time if my parents moved away. Im older now, and I still feel sad that my dad is moving farther away - and he's only moving 30 minutes away;). Give it as much time as you can.
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