savorysweet Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 (edited) hi everyone, my first time here, because i'm in a pretty devastating state. first off, i am a very emotional person. and when i love, i love hard and fast. i've been chatting with someone from a bordering country for 8 months, as friends, but i grew to like his personality, the way he thought, his jokes, his values, etc. i took the plunge and went over there. and i suggested long distance. he seemed reluctant, never having done so, but as the days went on and we had chemistry and spent time laughing, having fun, arguing, building tolerances...he declared that he wanted to try. i accepted. now a little background: i work in a fast-paced city, lived here all my life, did a lot of schooling to fulfill my dream of working where i am now. i was even just offered a big promotion to do exactly what i want. him: lazy genius. he's very sociable, likes to make friends and chat, active, working but trying to find stability after dinking around in his 20s. lives at home. he just got a car, a cc, and is seeking a career that may be suitable enough to represent his potential, etc. he believes that the military is the calling. while i want him to get on his feet, so he can feel secure to be with a woman esp an "alpha female" as he calls me, it means that he is not moving any time soon. neither am i. i'm afraid. i'm lost. everyone says the chances are slim, no one is supporting this unstable situation. i know i can continue a LDR, but can he? he says he wants to try...but with a new change in his life of moving to another city for this new, demanding career plus the pressure of me..may be too much? he said to take it day by day. but i can't knowing that there's an expiration date, possibly. he's thinking pragmatically, not trying to end it off the bat. i can't bear...to lose him over this. i can't bear to remain friends, to chat like we do, except lose the prospect of ever seeing each other, of being near each other, of him being near another woman. can he? eventually, yes he said, because he doesn't want to lose me, he wants me in his life, and he wants to know about mine. i just can't even think about that possibility right now. so, what to do, guys? keep talking, keep going out there, falling further in love, for nothing? Edited October 27, 2014 by savorysweet
TMichaels Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 so, what to do, guys? keep talking, keep going out there, falling further in love, for nothing? Nope. It takes two to tango and you two aren't dancing to the same tune. Break things off now before you get any more invested. Surely, there are others out there that are more "compatible" in terms of shared interests, life goals, aspirations, etc. This one isn't it. Best, TMichaels
cerridwen Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 I agree with TMichaels that your compatibility is way off in several areas. My impression is that you're an intense person who is largely fueling the relationship. That gets exhausting. It can also cause the kind of stress I hear resonating through your post. It's hard not to want to control the uncontrollable when we love someone. But the facts are, much of this is down to who he is as a laid back person, (which brings you discomfort) and the fragility of LDRs. If you decide to stay in it, consider loosening your mental grip on it all. Let him be him. See if that works for you AS HE IS. Because while you feel in love, I get the impression it's not with who he is now and will always be, but who you envision him to be once you change him.
justwhoiam Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 I guess I believe impossible things can happen. And they do at times. It greatly depends on you two. If he's going to work in the military, well, that might mean he'll feel lonely and get attached to you even more. Or maybe he'll be so caught up in that to slowly lose interest. I guess a man in the military is more prone to the former than the latter. But there are other factors to consider. Will there be women? Not every country has women in the military, so that can make a difference. If you really believe in it, you need to start thinking more positive. Also, ask yourself how much you feel like risking. Would you rather be with him for two years or break it off now? Also, it might really end positively, just you cannot know yet.
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