What went wrong - Complicated

[WaterBoy1]

This is a long story but I will try and get all the relevant details in and keep it as brief as I can to where I am currently today.

 

I was in a LTR relation of about 3 years, a year ago. The relationship was good but the sex life was flat, partly I guess because we were both so busy with work and saving for a house. That October I got in touch with a female friend I knew briefly where I used to live 30 miles away, I didn't know her well but knew of each other. We started messaging for a couple of weeks, at the time she didn't know I had a girlfriend. After messaging for a couple weeks, we met up just for a coffee and a catch up and had an ok time.

 

I did feel really guilty the next day so sent her a message saying "it was really great to see you, but I have a girlfriend so you probably dont want to speak to me again". She replied with saying it was fine and that she would like to keep talking to me. I did try to keep it cool over the next month or two but she kept messaging me more and we met up a few more times, becoming more sexual and she would ask me in messages before we met what she would like her to do for me when we met, including dark stuff like watching her with other men (this was part was fantasy). I dont feel great about this looking back, but this is how things happened.

 

She would also tell me in text messages how she had been hurt so much in the past and her ex bf cheated on her constantly and how she had very low self esteem and self worth, she told me this a few times aswell as having trusts issues.

 

She knew I was taken and I never really gave the hint of leaving my current partner back a year ago, but the new girl said I did open her mind up sexually as have her experience she had never had before. The before Christmas a year ago I went quiet on her and hurt her as I couldnt see her anymore as felt so guilty.

 

A couple of months passed and I guess I was missing her so sent her a message around late Feb time this year, she wasnt really too keen to talk to me as how I hurt her before but as time passed we started messaging again and meeting for dinner and then become more sexual again on a really deep and addictive level, the best sex of our lives we both said to each other. She knew I was still involved with my partner but I was starting to fall for this new girl hard. We used to message alot about how our life would be together and how I was going to leave my partner for her. Then around April time when we were both together talking very sexually, we got onto the topic of other men and she opened up when I pushed her too and told me she had been sleeping with a married man since the start of the year after I hurt her the first time but I think she was now addicted to thrill it gave her with me before. I was a bit shocked but as I had a partner, I thought she was doing it to protect her feelings for me incase I hurt her again, she told me clearly it had been purely just sex.

 

She said it was over with him as we were getting more serious and I broke up with my partner in May this year. So I could be with this new girl I had got to know. The new girl would message me often and most evenings when we were not together but once a week every Monday she would vanish between 8pm and 11pm, then surface saying she had been asleep or been busy but it didnt twig after a few weeks it was every Monday. I was starting to get paranoid it was still the married guy she was seeing once a week.

 

When we were together we were close and the sex was amazing and would talk about the future, being together, getting a place etc it was very intense.

 

Then when she was very turned on and we were talking about other men, as I wanted her to open up, she said she slept with the married guy twice after I broke up with my partner which I was heart broken to find out but she said that was the last time back in May, but all those quiet Mondays had me paranoid.

 

We were very into each other, but her issues of low self esteem were showing through and she had trust issues from her past relationships, I couldn't help thinking that I could heal her and show her what an amazing relationship could be like.

 

Then in the late summer this year, after seeing her I found my self sore and having an std, which I was tested for and was cured easily but I told her and she said it was from the last time she saw the married guy in May, but we were now in late July. She begged for forgiveness and she was so so sorry. She was tested but it came back inclusive but they gave her the antibiotics aswell. She had to tell the married guy in August she had an std, and I assumed it came from him sleeping with other woman aswell and giving it to her. It was all getting a bit messy in our heads by this point well certainly mine.

 

 

By this point I was meeting all her family and friends, so was getting pretty involved. She was taking me away for a weekend to see more family and christening which has been booked for sometime, it was 3 days before she told the married guy about the std, 3 days before we left to go away. As I came round to hers the evening before we went away, she had no makeup or had no effort with her clothes, which was very unlike her. She said I could wait in the lounge and watch tv as she packed as it would be boring for me to watch her. That evening we had sex but it wasnt as electric as normal. Then that weekend, she was texting someone else, disappearing to check her phone when not in front of her and replying when I wasnt near. I felt her as I had invested so much into this girl and it felt like she had to me. I told her I loved her that evening away and she didnt say anything but smiled like it was painful.

 

When we returned form thr weekend away, she totally shut down on me, and I heard nothing for 3 days, when she finally replied she said she had shut down, and it was a nightmare as it was all too intense. Then another week passed with no contact really, I sent her an email and text a couple of times. Till at the end of the week I called asking her if she was ok as she had just vanished(left a voicemail), she text me saying she knows I care and she didnt know what she wanted (from being so full on), I text back saying I felt drained too from all that had gone on and we exchanged a few light hearted texts. I suggest just being friends again and backed off, the form no where she wanted to meet the follwing weekend for coffee for a couple of hours.

 

 

This was almost a month from going away to the christening, I kept it light hearted and we had a good couple of hours catching up. Then sent texts the two evenings following evening talking about hanging out again but I got a bit heavy asking what was wrong as I was hurting, then she vanished again, she sent me one at the end of the week saying she was feeling only ok but was ill. Then I have heard nothing since and that was over 10 days ago.

 

I am left totally confused to what happened, I have done NC for 10 days now whilst I clear my head, but I am so hurt and confused I dont want to push her to open up as she really struggled showing emotions and talking about emotions, she said before she always had.

 

I would appreciate advice and views? I dont know if she blames me for talking about other men, she said we hurt each other in many ways, it has gone from totally full on to nothing in a few days with no answer and my head spinning. She said she needs space and doesnt know what she wants.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're not the only man in her life. She's either still carrying on with the married man, or she's got another guy she's seeing.

 

Whatever the truth is, you do know that she isn't into this as much as you are. I think you would be very unwise to continue seeing her and investing in her when she's not doing the same for you. Keep up NC. Don't meet as friends, as that's only an excuse to hang on. She's not girlfriend material at this point.

 

Another point you seem to have overlooked is that she might not see you as boyfriend material, given your history of stepping out of your relationship. I realize she participated in it and it's hypocritical, but you were the one with a girlfriend. She could very well view you as untrustworthy and may be afraid of winding up like your ex, with a less-than-loyal boyfriend.