She Has A New Friend, I Have Mixed Feelings

[lakerman34]

So, for those who don't know, I moved to NOLA at the end of June to work as an AmeriCorps member. Met this girl (same company, works at DIFFERENT school) that lives next to me in the duplex. INSTANT chemistry from both sides. We'd tease and flirt, and eventually, one night, made out. We kept our "relationship" quiet for quite some time.

 

The girl is bipolar.

 

Ultimately, we ended up splitting and getting back together twice (three relationships). This last one was best and longest in length.

 

She MAY also have co-morbid BPD, but if her shrink hasn't found it, maybe she doesn't.

 

This last time was all of a sudden and a bit impulsive. It was 3 weeks ago today. We ended on good terms, and she cited that she was "no longer romantically compatible to me, but very physically compatible."

 

We didn't talk for a week. Then, I tried talking to her feeling I was over her and she over me. I said how I think she should, perhaps, rethink rushing in to Peace Corps right after our service year, and she may be more mentally prepared if she waited a year.

 

I apologized for getting my nose in her business the next day. She flipped out on me. She called off the next day from work, and ended up staying over at a friend's house. She sent me aggressive "boundary" texts. I didn't talk to her for another week.

 

She then sent me a text saying she was "good" and can be acquaintances with me. I still don't talk to her. Last weekend, she texts me asking to meet her on the porch. Her anxiety was kicking in hardcore, and she needed to know if people were going to view her negatively. I answered, "no." Then, the very next day I, again, tried becoming acquaintances with her. Then, her roommate told me she was seeing a guy for pizza, but she canceled on him. This made me SO upset that I told her "you know what? I really need a lot of space. I'm not ready for you." She texted back, "OK. Note taken."

 

I don't trust her and feel grossly disrespected by her. I live right next door to her, so it's VERY hard to distance myself from the situation. I'm REALLY trying out of sight, out of mind techniques (deleted her from Facebook, try to go to the gym as much as possible, seeing a shrink) to get her off my mind. Sometimes, it works. Other times, not really. I do know I've idealized her in my mind and that I wasn't REALLY into the relationship.

 

Tonight, she is going out with a guy friend from college who's in town to perform at local bars. As far as I know, she didn't invite anyone else to go with her, so even though they may, very well, be "old friends," my intuition tells me she's looking to get laid.

 

ANY assistance or techniques on how to get me over this hump would be greatly appreciated. I know the main thing is time, but it's a LOT to process that she's already out looking for other guys. It's also worth noting that she isn't really the "slut" type or the "one night stand" type (only has had one in her lifetime), but this guy rubs me the wrong way. He posted on FB saying "we should meet up," and her response was "absolutely." It all sounded incredibly contrived.

Edited October 4, 2014 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

Bumpppppppppp

[lakerman34]

no feedback? rough.

[travelbug1996]

You were right. Its gonna take time to get over this situation. Its also gonna take some distance and taking off the rose colored glasses.

 

This person has mental issues and you should avoid these people especially since they are emotionally unstable. Not saying she doesn't deserve love but she may not be healthy enough to withstand the challenges that come with a typical relationship.

 

Try to find someone that doesn't require medication in order to cope/adjust to life on its own terms.

[lakerman34]

You were right. Its gonna take time to get over this situation. Its also gonna take some distance and taking off the rose colored glasses.

 

This person has mental issues and you should avoid these people especially since they are emotionally unstable. Not saying she doesn't deserve love but she may not be healthy enough to withstand the challenges that come with a typical relationship.

 

Try to find someone that doesn't require medication in order to cope/adjust to life on its own terms.

 

I COMPLETELY understand this, but I don't know, it sounds so harsh to me. Just because she has a disorder she can't help means that any "normal" person should negate her as a possible love interest?

 

I don't want her back. I know that.

 

Something interesting happened today though. Very weird. We had professional development today (she and I in same room all day). Not going to lie, I looked VERY good, she looked OK ("OK" being very kind. She didn't do anything with her hair, had no makeup on, looked like she rolled out of bed. Even her business casual dress was very bland, boring, didn't really look like it flowed too well). She looked better when she was on the porch later on in her running shoes about to go for a run, frankly.

 

At about 9PM, I texted her roommate (a black girl) to bring money from her and my ex to me for internet payment. She said she'd be right over.

 

I waited for her in my kitchen. I saw her feet. I looked away, and then I saw her feet swapped for my ex's feet. So, in essence, she took the money out of her hands TO hand it to me. I said, "how's it going?" and "thank you." She didn't say a word. Barely looked at me, and left.

 

I think it's just a game, not trying to read too much into it, but I am just curious as to why she did this. Seems a little much.

Edited October 7, 2014 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

So, story is (to be brief) I've been on and off with a bipolar girl. Sweetest girl you'll ever meet. We broke up about a month ago because "she is no longer romantically attracted to me, but physically attracted to me. She no longer holds me in positive regard."

 

A week of NC goes by. I get over her (or so I think) pretty fast. She's ready to do friends. I go and talk to her and tell her "if I were you, I'd consider waiting another year for Peace Corps, just think about it."

 

The next day, I apologized for putting my nose in her business. She goes off on me (roughly 40 texts later). She calls of work, managers get involved, she ends up staying at a friends because she can't be in the same building as me, just very overly dramatic.

 

Another week goes by, she texts me saying she's OK. I go and talk to her, everything seems cool. Then I find out she's out dating. I get bothered, I ask for more space.

 

Two weeks later, it's my birthday weekend. I invite our company to a restaurant for dinner. I run into her, and we have a very sweet conversation. I tell her I'd love if she came to the dinner, but if she didn't want to, she didn't have to. She said she might (she didn't -- I didn't expect her to anyway).

 

I unblock her on FB. She blocks me instantly. She lives next door to me in a duplex (rookie move), and we have mutual friends. We all go out with each other, she's INCREDIBLY cold to me. I get the picture, I stay away.

 

This morning, I hear knocking on my bedroom door. It's her. "I don't like you, I don't want to be friends with you, I don't want to talk to you, you did x, y, z and you didn't have to, just stay away from me and don't talk to me, I need my space."

 

The x, y, z she was talking about was very misinformed (actually, factually the complete OPPOSITE of what REALLY happened -- I think this a bipolar detail as well). She walked away from me and shouted BOUNDARIES ARE, I cut her off and just screamed "ALRIGHT *#*$#&$"

 

I called my older brother and mom. I wrote a note to the ex explaining my boundaries, how I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportion, and it's time to act like adults. After talking to family, I threw the note away.

 

Just ridiculous. I can go into more detail if y'all are interested.

 

At this point, I'd just love some feedback. I know the obvious "stay away from her, she sounds crazy," but something with more substance would be MUCH more helpful. Thank you.

[mammasita]

Well, first of all - she's your ex. secondly, she's bipolar. If that's true, you're playing with fire trying to decipher moods, highs, lows.....

 

I don't think anyone here is going to tell you anything other than leave her alone because she's your ex and you shouldn't even be trying to be friends.

[lakerman34]

Well, first of all - she's your ex. secondly, she's bipolar. If that's true, you're playing with fire trying to decipher moods, highs, lows.....

 

I don't think anyone here is going to tell you anything other than leave her alone because she's your ex and you shouldn't even be trying to be friends.

 

Understand that. Completely. But we also are neighbors (share a wall) and work at the same company (fortunately, different places, but we have to see a LOT of each other).

 

This is just a LOT to learn the lesson that I can't date girls with bipolar disorder. Too much. Universe, I get it already, make it stop!

[Quiet Storm]

Prepare yourself for more drama. Move when your lease is up.

 

Detach- no emotional conversations, no text arguments. When she accuses you or blames you, defending yourself just adds fuel to the fire. Just say "I don't want to talk about this" or "I have to go".

 

Do not try to be friends. Just keep it light and detached, saying Hi but not hanging out with her.

 

She likes attention and playing games. Her getting managers involved your argument is immature and dramatic. I wouldn't be surprised if she is Borderline in addition to bipolar (misdiagnosis is also common).

 

Do not be totally mean or rude, because that will just create more drama. Just treat her like any other neighbor, and avoid any conversations, especially about your relationship.

 

She may get emotional, tell lies about you, try to get you fired, turn your friends against you, etc. Any reaction from you, even a negative one, just keeps the drama alive.

[lakerman34]

Prepare yourself for more drama. Move when your lease is up.

 

Detach- no emotional conversations, no text arguments. When she accuses you or blames you, defending yourself just adds fuel to the fire. Just say "I don't want to talk about this" or "I have to go".

 

Do not try to be friends. Just keep it light and detached, saying Hi but not hanging out with her.

 

She likes attention and playing games. Her getting managers involved your argument is immature and dramatic. I wouldn't be surprised if she is Borderline in addition to bipolar (misdiagnosis is also common).

 

Do not be totally mean or rude, because that will just create more drama. Just treat her like any other neighbor, and avoid any conversations, especially about your relationship.

 

She may get emotional, tell lies about you, try to get you fired, turn your friends against you, etc. Any reaction from you, even a negative one, just keeps the drama alive.

 

Yeah, her roommate texted me saying (her roommate has a good head on her shoulders), "dude, she wants space, just give it to her." I told her, "look, I'm over this. I want to be treated like a human being, and I will treat everyone else like a human being, I'm just over this. I'll give her the space she wants."

 

Thing is, she insists that she didn't get the managers involved, and I believe her. She's not a "bad" person. Also, she doesn't really talk about our relationship much.

 

She loves drama. That's what it comes down to. My older brother said that she'll lash out at me for whatever reason again. It's just what bipolar people do, I guess. I was instructed to just laugh it off, say "I'm over this," and walk away.

 

She is medically diagnosed with bipolar disorder (she takes medication for it). From what I've read about borderline personality disorder, it honestly does seem more likely to me, but I'm not a doctor and don't know her long enough to know what she looks like "at her worst."

[JDPT]

Sounds like the girl lives for drama which is primarily fueled by her condition. It's time to learn from this experience and move forward.

[lakerman34]

I told my mentor about the situation after yesterdays pathetic lashing out on her part, and she told me if it persists, she'll bring it up and make sure something is done about it. She essentially told me that the managerial team is keeping an eye on it, and I'm seen more in the right about the situation, but they have to pay mind to the fact that she is mentally ill.

[lakerman34]

My ex is with a new guy (**** buddy, from what I understand). She didn't want me to know but I found out pretty easily (we live next to each other).

 

She still cant talk to or look at me. My roommate, one of her best friends, thinks she's acting out and she just needs to move on.

 

I don't want a relationship from her. I don't even want her friendship. I just want to be treated like a human being. I can't control what she does, but I would prefer she stops acting out and gets over me. A dark cloud is over my house.

[preraph]

Whether her BPD is any excuse for her behavior just depends on how bad it is and how it manifests. I have a close friend who is BPD and I reckon it's gotten her into some trouble, but I think she's been pretty dedicated once she married her guy though I know some temptation. Being BPD doesn't guarantee someone can't be faithful, but manic phase can make you overly sexual if that's the way it manifests. Or not.

 

 

Thing is, that isn't what changed her mind about no longer considering you a romantic prospect. Her thinking isn't distorted about that. That was a decision she came to. My guess is she got interested in this other guy maybe first and realized it wasn't going to last between you two because she is still looking and wanting something different.

 

Your only real course of action here is to block her every way you can and just not be looking out the window much. I once lived across the street from a guy I loved who thought of me more as a friend, so I know how that can be seeing them come and go and with other people. You just need to stay busy and keep your own life going on, a quick glance out the window before you go outside, and just block her out mentally. Most important is just keep yourself out there having fun so you get over this soon.

[lakerman34]

Whether her BPD is any excuse for her behavior just depends on how bad it is and how it manifests. I have a close friend who is BPD and I reckon it's gotten her into some trouble, but I think she's been pretty dedicated once she married her guy though I know some temptation. Being BPD doesn't guarantee someone can't be faithful, but manic phase can make you overly sexual if that's the way it manifests. Or not.

 

 

Thing is, that isn't what changed her mind about no longer considering you a romantic prospect. Her thinking isn't distorted about that. That was a decision she came to. My guess is she got interested in this other guy maybe first and realized it wasn't going to last between you two because she is still looking and wanting something different.

 

Your only real course of action here is to block her every way you can and just not be looking out the window much. I once lived across the street from a guy I loved who thought of me more as a friend, so I know how that can be seeing them come and go and with other people. You just need to stay busy and keep your own life going on, a quick glance out the window before you go outside, and just block her out mentally. Most important is just keep yourself out there having fun so you get over this soon.

This guy is brand new, I am positive about that.

 

She is bipolar, I don't think she's BPD.

 

The whole situation has just gotten ridiculous. I'm worried that this guy shows up and is thrown in my face. I'm worried that I go out in this small Ass city of New Orleans and see then out together. I don't know what to do.

[preraph]

This guy is brand new, I am positive about that.

 

She is bipolar, I don't think she's BPD.

 

The whole situation has just gotten ridiculous. I'm worried that this guy shows up and is thrown in my face. I'm worried that I go out in this small Ass city of New Orleans and see then out together. I don't know what to do.

 

As I said, I've been in that situation before where everywhere I go, the guy who cheated on me with my old friend was going to be. We had parallel lives. We ended up working together. I don't recommend it, but I wasn't letting it sideline my career either. It was oppressive and hard. Just avoiding them out is not nearly as hard. You can't totally avoid her, so you're going to have to fake being happy again and as if you've moved on or you will be gossiped about as the guy who can't let go. You want to maintain your dignity, so you need to assert all the self-control you have right now. All that is within your power. You will need extra ways to blow off the stress of it, but you can at least come out of it looking good instead of looking pathetic if you don't give in to your impulses.

 

The way I handled one situation wherein a guy I loved had told me the night before I wasn't really his type was quite funny. At a private party, people upstairs and downstairs, mainly musicians and music people, I'm upstairs with a local band I'm good friends with and I hear Mr. Not Really My Type coming up the stairs. Mr. Not Really My Type's band was friendly rivals with these friends' band.

 

We were in the master bedroom. I told the entire band to quickly get under the covers of the bed and then jumped into the middle of them and that's what Mr. Not Really My Type walked into when he entered the room. He pretended nothing unusual was going on and stood there with his hand on his hip talking without looking directly over at us before going back downstairs. And even though I wasn't really his type, he never stopped coming around and we did end up pretty much lifelong friends, though that's not for the feint of heart.

 

Don't let this crush your spirit. You are stronger than that. Pull that strength out of you and use it to maintain your dignity.

[lakerman34]

As I said, I've been in that situation before where everywhere I go, the guy who cheated on me with my old friend was going to be. We had parallel lives. We ended up working together. I don't recommend it, but I wasn't letting it sideline my career either. It was oppressive and hard. Just avoiding them out is not nearly as hard. You can't totally avoid her, so you're going to have to fake being happy again and as if you've moved on or you will be gossiped about as the guy who can't let go. You want to maintain your dignity, so you need to assert all the self-control you have right now. All that is within your power. You will need extra ways to blow off the stress of it, but you can at least come out of it looking good instead of looking pathetic if you don't give in to your impulses.

 

The way I handled one situation wherein a guy I loved had told me the night before I wasn't really his type was quite funny. At a private party, people upstairs and downstairs, mainly musicians and music people, I'm upstairs with a local band I'm good friends with and I hear Mr. Not Really My Type coming up the stairs. Mr. Not Really My Type's band was friendly rivals with these friends' band.

 

We were in the master bedroom. I told the entire band to quickly get under the covers of the bed and then jumped into the middle of them and that's what Mr. Not Really My Type walked into when he entered the room. He pretended nothing unusual was going on and stood there with his hand on his hip talking without looking directly over at us before going back downstairs. And even though I wasn't really his type, he never stopped coming around and we did end up pretty much lifelong friends, though that's not for the feint of heart.

 

Don't let this crush your spirit. You are stronger than that. Pull that strength out of you and use it to maintain your dignity.

 

Thanks for the inspiring words. I am doing my best!

 

I was about 97% over it, now I've dropped all the way down to 80%. It's not a competition, but I almost feel as if she has won.

 

I am not TRYING to find a new girl, but I do think that I'm at the point that a hookup would really boost my self-esteem and maybe get me back up to the 95-100% range.