Understanding the emotionally unavailable man/commitment-phobe

[dragonfire13]

Say, you were with someone (as was the case with my ex) and neither of you were seeing anyone else when you were together, the guy was extremely affectionate/sentimental with you, got jealous if other guys showed an interest in you, he helped you move and you were the +1 to the guy's work events etc...but you didn't feel like you were a priority and something was missing, effort wise.

 

You confronted them and they told you they like you a lot, they're flattered by the fact that you want to be with them but they also find it scary as hell.

 

I don't understand what's so scary... it's not like I was rushing to get married and have kids lol as I'm nowhere near myself!

 

My main expectation was for the guy to be there for me when I needed him...and vice versa. Kind of like a best friend. We would talk all day, every day but I found myself veering away from "heavy" topics because of his lack of patience...eventually the whole "it's not my problem" mentality would come through, it would p*ss me off and I would let him have it!

 

I know you can't teach compassion or sensitivity but whether you're in a relationship or not wouldn't you, by default, care if you supposedly like someone a lot? Sure, you may not want to rush into a relationship, but that basic empathy most would show for a friend or even a stranger, let alone someone you're seeing!

 

Eventually I walked away from what was clearly a relationship that lacked emotional depth. I guess I just don't understand how someone can supposedly be that into you, but on such a superficial level. I don't know if it was me (maybe I'm not the relationship type or maybe my expectations were too high) or him.

 

I heard from him on my birthday (I replied with a simple thanks) and what would have been the anniversary of when we got together (I ignored that one). So in that regards, he shows his sentimental side. But then he also still checks up on me on social media as I often get accidental notifications off him (I'm assuming accidental, as they're notifications on old posts which then disappear). We're no longer connected, but things like my Twitter/Instagram are public profiles as a share a lot of travel-related stuff... but he's not even following me on these sites ...which to me, kind of emphasises his superficial side.

 

Thoughts? Classic emotional unavailable guy...or were we just not compatible?

Edited October 27, 2014 by dragonfire13

[Frank2thepoint]

He sounded like a guy that wanted to enjoy the benefits of a relationship, but not the responsibility. I wouldn't call that emotionally unavailable, because he did have some emotional response. It might be emotional immaturity on his part. He couldn't bring himself to invest more than superficially due to fear. He did admit he found your interest in him scary as hell, which is an indicator of emotional immaturity.

 

I agree with you that when you invest time, energy, and emotions into another person for romantic purposes, you have this expectation that you would get a return on your investment, an equal amount back from your partner. Unfortunately, that's not how it ever plays out in many relationships. The good thing is you were aware of something was missing, and decided to act upon it.

[dragonfire13]

Frank2thepoint - thanks for the feedback. It's defo reassuring to know someone else has similar expectations