lucy_in_disguise Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 About a month ago, I asked out a casual acquaintance of mine, and ended up sleeping with him on our first "date". I don't feel like kicking myself over this, so let's skip over the part where you tell me I'm stupid. I got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago so was open to slutting it up a little before settling down. Since this guy is 5 years younger than me (he's 23) I didn't initially consider him a serious prospect. Since then, we've been hanging out a few tines a week. I usually initiate (though he's more than responsive) .we do more than have sex but our get-togethers are very fwb. We will play games and bang. Or, most recently, go out drinking and bang. It's all good fun but Im really attracted to him and starting to get bored with this arrangement. Im looking for a relationship and feel ready to start dating in earnest again. I'd like to date him - but am not certain he's interested in a relationship, or if I should even bring it up at this point. Thoughts?
heartshaped Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 My question would be since you initially didn't consider him a serious prospect because of his age, what has changed that has made you reconsider his age re: his position as a serious prospect? Sounds to me more like he's attractive, you've been sleeping with him, and are now ready for a relationship so he's sort of convenient in a way rather than it perhaps being the best idea, but that's just my two cents.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 My question would be since you initially didn't consider him a serious prospect because of his age, what has changed that has made you reconsider his age re: his position as a serious prospect? Sounds to me more like he's attractive, you've been sleeping with him, and are now ready for a relationship so he's sort of convenient in a way rather than it perhaps being the best idea, but that's just my two cents. I guess I became more interested in a relationship as I've gotten to know him better. We have a lot of common interests and I'm really attracted to him- something I don't find easily. Its something about his mannerisms that has me smitten. As far as his emotional maturity/ interest in a relationship goes, that's still up for debate. Given his young age and the way we started this thing, i dont have high hopes, but im not ready to throw in the towel yet, either. Id like to switch gears and approach this from a dating vs. one night perspective. just not sure whether I should bring it up, or just make myself less available and see if he pursues me. I know this is a common scenario that doesn't tend to play out well and I want to avoid getting hurt.
preraph Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 There's a whole lot of FWB threads on this forum, and the one observation I've made is that in the time I've been reading it, it's only been women wanting to turn FWB into a real relationship, not the FWB men, who seem quite happy exactly as they are, having their cake and eating it too. 3
d0nnivain Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 You won't know for sure unless you talk to him. Since you are hanging out, it might be possible but understand it's improbable. Before you have this conversation, know what you are going to do if he says he wants to keep things as they are.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Talk to him about it. Don't secretly change the rules, pull way, and expect him to chase you. Be prepared for either scenario: He's open to dating you and considering something deeper.He's not. If he's not open to it, things might get weird and you might have to end the casual arrangement. But that's really not that hard to find elsewhere, so I think it's worth it to open up a discussion and see where he stands.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 We will play games and bang. Or, most recently, go out drinking and bang. It's all good fun but Im really attracted to him and starting to get bored with this arrangement. Im looking for a relationship and feel ready to start dating in earnest again. I'd like to date him - but am not certain he's interested in a relationship, or if I should even bring it up at this point. Thoughts? Why ruin a good thing? he's happy because he's happy with the arrangement just like many guys would be...a girl who just wants to have "fun" and doesn't press the "relationship talk" and any other "drama"...and yet now here you go. It's all good fun until you want a relationship, but the fact is that you've cast yourself in a light that he's not taking you seriously in. It's a very casual arrangement. This is why a lot of guys get headaches with women, they seem up for "fun" and a no-strings/pressure type of situation and then all of a sudden it has to change, it always has to lead into a relationship...young guys talk about that a lot, it's like you're overstaying your welcome and overstepping the boundaries when at first everything was just "fine" and everybody seemed happy. The guy then has to switch a different light on and decide whether he actually sees you as relationship material...which is likely he doesn't or if he was that interested then he would be pushing for something more significant unless he's this really timid type of guy or something, but even then. I would recommend not trying to initiate something serious with this guy unless you can make him come after you...if you show that interest first then he's likely to with-drawl and I've never personally met a guy who talked about not being able to initiate a relationship out of a FWB scenario, why would a guy have any trouble with that? Unless you get really lucky, and I mean really lucky...as soon as you bring this up he will likely change his behavior and make an exit...so make sure that you want this to be over if that's the case and you really are at that point of wanting more. Men don't need to be asked about this, if you're interested in a relationship then date another guy and then act accordingly, instead of giving everything out for free...(and no, your "love" isn't necessarily something he'd be interested in or considered a perk/benefit). 3
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 Thanks for the feedback. I would feel odd bringing up a relationship when I've been booty-calling him this whole time and we've not had any discussion re: goals, pasts, or feelings. I think it will just make me seem crazy. I think my best bet is to back off and see if he is capable of initiating. If/ when he does, I'll keep our interactions erring on the side of friendship vs benefits, and explain that while it was fun, I'm not comfortable with that arrangement on an on-going basis. We were friends (shared interest) before we started hooking up and I'm hoping it's still possible, at this point, to go back to that. If he likes me romantically, at that point the ball will be in his court. I am, in fact, not comfortable with the casual sex. I don't have a moral stance against it but the riskiness isn't my thing. Actually the reason I am contemplating all of this now, is I am pretty sure he gave me either a uti, or std, underscoring the drawbacks of this arrangement. I got into this because I wanted to experiment after a long relationship, but at this point i feel like I've had my fun. One thing I will never understand about men is the aversion to going from fwb to relationship, tho. It seems like a good fwb is basically ideal... Someone u are attracted to, who is your friend. Guys fall for their friends all the time yet as soon as sex is involved, the romantic interest is over?
mammasita Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Are you sure at 23 he has long term potential or are you looking at this through rose colored glasses because you've been simply "banging". Hey, all you can do is bring it up with him - but I think you should seriously consider the pros and cons of a relationship with this guy first.
darkmoon Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 (edited) just mention the topic casually, see what he says no dramas, just one or two mentions Edited October 27, 2014 by darkmoon
heartshaped Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I am, in fact, not comfortable with the casual sex. I don't have a moral stance against it but the riskiness isn't my thing. Actually the reason I am contemplating all of this now, is I am pretty sure he gave me either a uti, or std, underscoring the drawbacks of this arrangement. I got into this because I wanted to experiment after a long relationship, but at this point i feel like I've had my fun. One thing I will never understand about men is the aversion to going from fwb to relationship, tho. It seems like a good fwb is basically ideal... Someone u are attracted to, who is your friend. Guys fall for their friends all the time yet as soon as sex is involved, the romantic interest is over? I think, more than anything, it's time to end this FWB arrangement. It no longer suits your wants or needs. I see the male side of the fwb arrangement as the equivalent of a woman's friendzone. I think the same principle applies. You see a person in a certain light and then it's like trying to see them in a totally different light that you never even considered them in before. It's hard.
Standard-Fare Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Given your valid fears about STDs (and the chance that he might have given you one), it's a good time to express to him that you're not comfortable with aspects of the arrangement. Any "f*ck buddy" or "casual" situation inevitably starts to get weird if it goes on for a long time. You do reach that point where a conversation is necessary -- do you pack it in or do you redefine the relationship? I don't think the conversation needs to be like, "Are you my boyfriend?" but it can be more like "What are we doing here? If this continues, where are we headed?"
central Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Your reservations about a relationship were due to his age. He may have similar reservations in that he may be too young to want to settle down. I would advise him against it - only because he should date more and establish a career first, IMO.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Quick update on this thread. I finally talked to my fwb. I told him I while I have a lot of fun hanging out with him, Im looking for a serious relationship and am no longer comfortable with our casual sex arrangement. While it wasnt what I wanted to hear, I thought his response was very honest. He said he liked me a lot and thought I was very attractive, and he valued my friendship, but tought we should stop having sex because he isn't looking for a relationship, nor does he think he has the maturity to give me what I'm looking for, and he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. We have built up a decent foundation for a friendship and I hope in time that's a real possibility. I am going to take some time to move on tho. 3
jcrew11 Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 One thing I will never understand about men is the aversion to going from fwb to relationship, tho. It seems like a good fwb is basically ideal... Someone u are attracted to, who is your friend. Guys fall for their friends all the time yet as soon as sex is involved, the romantic interest is over? Here are some reasons that guys want to stay FWB and not get into relationships: (1) It allows them the freedom to have sex with other girls (2) They can put in less time, or do not have the time or energy to sustain a 24-7 relationship. (3) Guys want to have free time on the weekends to do things they like, such as watch/play sports, video games, etc. (4) Guys want the free time to work over-time and focus on advancing their careers without worrying about nightly phone calls or nightly dinners. (5) guys don't have the money or don't want to spend the money on expensive dinners, weekend trips, engagement rings, marriage, wedding, children, buying a house, etc. Basically, guys want to be promiscuous, have free time, and save up their own money. 1
Tayken Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 (5) guys don't have the money or don't want to spend the money on expensive dinners, weekend trips, engagement rings, marriage, wedding, children, buying a house, etc. Add to all this.... 1. her bank account 2. fund her frivolous habits 3. fund her kid(s) from a previous fella 4. her buying gifts for her mom and friends guys want to be promiscuous, have free time, and save up their own money For a comfortable pension and the ability to stop working before or at 60.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 Add to all this.... 1. her bank account 2. fund her frivolous habits 3. fund her kid(s) from a previous fella 4. her buying gifts for her mom and friends For a comfortable pension and the ability to stop working before or at 60. To be fair I work I finance and make 6 figures, don't have too many frivolous habits or any kids 2
RedRobin Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Men don't need to be asked about this, if you're interested in a relationship then date another guy and then act accordingly, instead of giving everything out for free...(and no, your "love" isn't necessarily something he'd be interested in or considered a perk/benefit). Ditto. You had your 'contract' from the beginning. It isn't passive aggressive to go look for a relationship elsewhere. It's just you being consistent and sticking to your original arrangement. I've never asked a guy whether he wants to be in a relationship with me. It has always been the guy asking me. Then again, I don't do FWB. Asking him just seems desperate to me...
Tayken Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 To be fair I work I finance and make 6 figures, don't have too many frivolous habits or any kids So you are an oddity i.e. somewhat of a unicorn. There aren't many women on dating sites earning 6 figures, with no kids and baggage. Not saying there aren't any at all, but it's a small percentage. My last two FWBs were company directors earning 6 figures and they were way older than me, and were more concerned about the age gap
RedRobin Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 One thing I will never understand about men is the aversion to going from fwb to relationship, tho. It seems like a good fwb is basically ideal... Someone u are attracted to, who is your friend. Guys fall for their friends all the time yet as soon as sex is involved, the romantic interest is over? One thing you might need to consider now that you know what you are looking for is this.. There are relationship-oriented guys... and guys who are not. Avoid the ones who are not. It has nothing to do with you. Guys who like to fool around rarely change into relationship oriented guys without a lot of drama and messiness. You see that all of the time on LS... also, never try to change a FWB into a relationship (is my opinion). You made the agreement and if it's not working, you end it. It's like trying to make it to CEO in a company where you started as the secretary. You need to leave... get that MBA, then maybe come back and command a higher salary if you want a higher position... Odds are you wouldn't want to go back to that same 'company' anyway after gaining more experience.
ascendotum Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 We were friends (shared interest) before we started hooking up and I'm hoping it's still possible, at this point, to go back to that. If he likes me romantically, at that point the ball will be in his court. ... One thing I will never understand about men is the aversion to going from fwb to relationship, tho. It seems like a good fwb is basically ideal... Someone u are attracted to, who is your friend. Guys fall for their friends all the time yet as soon as sex is involved, the romantic interest is over? I think backing off and seeing if he he initiates anything is fine if you want to see if he's as keen for you as you are for him, but I don't think that will put a fire under him in terms of flicking him over into the bf mode. There is a good chance he could start initiating things but with the outcome at the end of the day still being sex. Depends what his mindset is in terms of what he looking for at this point of time. A relationship might not be a priority in his life. Your 5 yrs age diff is not a big deal for NSA or a STR, but might be if you are hoping your next relationship might lead to marriage. I think you should be upfront with him as to what you want. He will be disappointed the no strings only lasted a month. As for men going from fwb to relationship. As others have said, why complicate a good 'no strings attached' thing. While the guy might be happy to do more couple type activities and very much appreciating the 'F' part of the FWB, most guys will prefer not to have the obligations. Do a month by month lease rather than sign up long term, unless the opportunity is to good to say no to and as good an opportunity might not come up again for quite a while or maybe never again. More often than not for guys in FWBs its not really a case of 'wow I got sooo lucky I'm having sex and its not with a gf'. Usually women date up when it comes to NSA, as much as many will deny it, and you might too (maybe not in terms of ideal total bf package but usually in physical aspect). If one attractive woman is happy to have FWB with them, other women will too. In your case you came onto the guy, so its not like he had to pull some strategy to wangle himself into one. Yes lots of guys fall for friends and complain about the friendzone, but it tends more to be guys who don't get fwbs (or at least fwbs with sexy women).
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 So you are an oddity i.e. somewhat of a unicorn. There aren't many women on dating sites earning 6 figures, with no kids and baggage. Not saying there aren't any at all, but it's a small percentage. My last two FWBs were company directors earning 6 figures and they were way older than me, and were more concerned about the age gap No, not really. I'm 28, single and make 6 figures, and all but one of the men I've dated (none older than 32) have made more than I. If you live in a major metropolitan area it's not that unusual. I don't think most people avoid relationships due to financial concerns. OP, I'm sorry this didn't work out, but it's true that it's hard to change expectations once they've been set. I'm glad that this guy was honest with you and I'm sure you'll find what you want soon. 1
Tayken Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 No, not really. I'm 28, single and make 6 figures, and all but one of the men I've dated (none older than 32) have made more than I. If you live in a major metropolitan area it's not that unusual. I don't think most people avoid relationships due to financial concerns. OP, I'm sorry this didn't work out, but it's true that it's hard to change expectations once they've been set. I'm glad that this guy was honest with you and I'm sure you'll find what you want soon. Not many live in NY, LA, Chicago, London, Toronto, Paris. Oh, and not all 6 figures are created equal. Money is the #1 reason why most couples break up. If you have never been married, I don't expect you to understand. I mean throw kids, activities, mortgage, property tax, travel...and you start to get the picture.
jcrew11 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 To be fair I work I finance and make 6 figures, don't have too many frivolous habits or any kids I also left out the most honest but cruel answer. The guy just doesn't want to get married, doesn't want the responsibility of marriage or children, doesn't want to pay for the family/wife. Also, the guy is holding out for a hotter or better girlfriend or wife. FWB often happen because the guy is in a slump and wants something casual and a one-night hookup. He wants a "slumpbuster" - an ugly or average-looking women just to have quick sex with. He views the FWB just as a sex object to get his rocks off and doesn't care or want to get to know her brains or have dinner with her or be seen in public with her. A FWB is often the "backup girlfriend" while he is out looking for Mrs Right or Mrs Perfect. Maybe he is holding out for a Playboy model. You get the picture. There are a hundred reasons, you might not be attractive as he wants, you might be too boring, you might be too annoying, the wrong religion, too old, too young, etc. etc. Girls often marry the "Average Nice Guys" who wait around for 5 years until she gets sick of the bad boys. Guys very rarely marry the "Miss Ugly Nice Girls" unless they are bored of the Player lifestyle. Just straight up ask the guy if he wants to date seriously. If he hesitates, then you know he doesn't see a future with you, and has no desire to ever marry you or be seen with you in public.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Well, here's an update to this one. It's 2.5 months later and we're basically in the same place. I ended it for a while back in November. I went online and speed-dated my way into a "relationship" that lasted a couple of weeks. Then I realized online dating was tiriang me out and only highlighting my loneliness. I missed my ex- the one I dated for almost 4 years, before the fwb. I found it hard to feel attracted to or trusting of the guys I was meeting online. So, i decided to throw in the towel and go back to banging my fwb. At least hes hot and i generally find him to be a good, honest person. So, at this point it will have been about 4 months that weve hooked up. He has been more affectionate lately and went so far as to ask me out to dinner- and pay for it - the other night. We hang out, play games, go on runs- and have lots of sex. In many ways its one of the funnest "relationships" i have been in, but I understand that its not going to last. Besides the commitment issue, hes too young for me and im conscious of how we want different things longer-term. Still - I have somehow managed to justify to myself that im ok with what this is, for now. We havent talked about the future, but im starting a new job in a week that will be a major lifestyle change for me and expect the relationship to cool down once that happens. Maybe ill meet someone new.
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